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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

214 replies

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:11

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

OP posts:
PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 02:13

the plan will be for him to move by stealth…..
an absolute no!

LovesLabradors · 20/12/2025 02:16

If you're not happy about it, you're not happy about it. I think you'll regret it if you don't make a hard rule - no stay overs - now.

WaterVolePocketWatch · 20/12/2025 02:20

Do you need to ask? It would be an absolute NO from me, and I’d also tell her that the visits now must stop after him stumbling over the pram and smelling of alcohol. Be specific, be firm, be resolute.

Tell her if she doesn’t like them apples, she’s welcome to give notice and leave.

I wouldn’t want that behaviour from a flatmate let alone a lodger.

I’d also, because I’m soft, want to check how on earth this relationship came into being and if she’s all right. She’s an adult but 19 is young nevertheless.

Whywhywhyyyy · 20/12/2025 02:25

She’s half adopted a 40yo homeless man?

Er no, lay down the law. This is our house. We have a baby. You are not inviting a 40yo homeless man round willy nilly.

Tbh I would just serve notice. Anyone with that judgement cannot be trusted surely. You will go on holiday or weekend away and come back to your house emptied by crackheads.

Original poster
Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:25

I agree. We feel abit protective over her as she is so young. Her family asked her to leave and find her own way - so she’s doing just that. But we are concerned about what this relationship is.

I agree with you all. We will also limit the days he can come over - and I’ll tell OH that we need to put a stop to it. When we first saw him we thought he was homeless - it was very strange.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 20/12/2025 02:33

You want to know whether it's ok for a completely unknown drunk man to spend the night in the house with you and your child? Fuck no. No a thousand times over.

Please tell me your child at least sleeps in your room where said stranger couldn't get to them?

Have you thought that maybe this is why her family asked her to leave?

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 20/12/2025 02:35

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:25

I agree. We feel abit protective over her as she is so young. Her family asked her to leave and find her own way - so she’s doing just that. But we are concerned about what this relationship is.

I agree with you all. We will also limit the days he can come over - and I’ll tell OH that we need to put a stop to it. When we first saw him we thought he was homeless - it was very strange.

Has she told you this? What was it due to? Things like this man?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 20/12/2025 02:38

Absolutely not

I'd use the opportunity to say you are concerned over the use of alcohol particularly , and also the age gap. She's 19 so a bit of concern is reasonable

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/12/2025 02:50

DeathStare · 20/12/2025 02:33

You want to know whether it's ok for a completely unknown drunk man to spend the night in the house with you and your child? Fuck no. No a thousand times over.

Please tell me your child at least sleeps in your room where said stranger couldn't get to them?

Have you thought that maybe this is why her family asked her to leave?

I’m also thinking this is why her family asked her to leave. She sounds vulnerable. Idk if she will listen to you or just move out, however, I wouldn’t be having a drunk man in my home whatever the age and especially not a 40 year old.

I would also do the background check.

MeTooOverHere · 20/12/2025 03:21

I would also tell her I want to know his name so I can do a background check. Police check, whatever you do where you are. It's not like she is renting a granny flat which is entirely separate from your own residence. This is under your own roof with your baby etc.

NewUserName2244 · 20/12/2025 03:40

I’d actually be really worried about her. Does she have any learning difficulties or obvious trauma? Does she work? A 40 year old drunk who looks homeless isn’t most 19 year olds ideal date.

Conversely, are you sure he’s definitely a boyfriend and not someone homeless that she’s trying to help. And thinks you’ll say no to her asking if she can bring round a homeless alcoholic in the cold weather!, but yes to a boyfriend. Is she very religious or charitable or naïve generally that this could be what’s happening? Did he shower, wash clothes, eat a meal last time he was over?

I think I’d talk directly to the boyfriend and be the bad guy here. If he’s 40 then he knows that he’s being unreasonable. Next time he’s over for the day I’d explain to him that you need a check on everyone who stays overnight and ask for him to write down his details, whether he has any criminal convictions etc. I suspect that at this point he’ll back off and you’ll not see him again.

SorryNotSorry00 · 20/12/2025 03:41

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Even if you didn’t have a baby you’d be within your rights to know what kind of people are coming to visit under your roof, particularly when the girl is so young herself. Is it possible that she’s vulnerable or has grown up sheltered somehow? I understand teenagers can make very ill thought out choices at times but this seems quite odd.

WaterVolePocketWatch · 20/12/2025 03:42

What does your lodger do for money, OP? Job?

MikeRafone · 20/12/2025 04:25

If she asks again, I’d say

if you want friends staying over then you need to get a flat as this lodging situation isn’t the place for people to be coming round in a family home.

give her the choice to pay more for her own place to do what she wants, or stay put and not have people/strangers over

sesquipedalian · 20/12/2025 05:17

OP, this is your home - you absolutely must put yourselves and your baby first. No way would I let some drunken randomer stay over in my house when I had a baby to look after. I think you need to speak to your lodger about this relationship. It’s possible that if she’s been tipped out by her parents, she’s latched on to someone as a “father figure” - or alternatively, this relationship is the reason she’s been banished from home. Either way, though, you don’t need to have this person around your home or in the vicinity of your baby. There is a massive difference between being a lodger and renting in an HMO - if she wants to have visitors to stay over, suggest she needs to find a place in a shared house.

JustMyView13 · 20/12/2025 05:19

She’s your lodger, not your daughter, and you should therefore not over involve yourself in her relationship. She is an adult, free to make her own choices.
That said, I wouldn’t have a stranger in the house for the sake of your own child. It’s a safeguarding risk. I certainly wouldn’t allow him to stay over. As others have said, he’ll be moving in by stealth.

Ritual9 · 20/12/2025 05:21

To be honest I would give her notice too. I know she’s very young and lost but would worry about her poor judgement if she’s ever in the house alone especially with a baby. Presuming there’s a reason her parents asked her to leave? Do you know what it is?

Dollymylove · 20/12/2025 06:01

Oh God no dont let this man in your house. I have been a lodger when I was young and single and the rule was always no overnight guests

HowDairy · 20/12/2025 06:07

For you to even post this means you're not comfortable with it.

Trust your gut. Always.

LBFseBrom · 20/12/2025 06:07

No! He can visit occasionally but not stay over. He sounds horrible, quite unwholesome.

B1anche · 20/12/2025 06:12

Are you insane? By letting this drunk stranger into your home, you are putting the wants of this lodger over the needs of your baby. You do not know this man, he reeks of alcohol, cannot walk straight, but you are giving him access to your home. This is a massive risk. Stop worrying about disappointing your lodger, and put your family first.

Owly11 · 20/12/2025 06:15

No to staying over and no to visits. I would probably ask her to move out too. Her situation sounds sad and difficult but you need to prioritise your own family not put them at risk by allowing random people into your home. She clearly has poor judgement and so is a risk to herself and others.

Daisymay8 · 20/12/2025 06:15

She could easy meet up with this friend in a cafe or out for a walk in the park or a million other places. No need to come to her room and into your house.

Does she have a support worker or anyone?

Horses7 · 20/12/2025 06:27

NOOOOO!
I’m afraid the lodger would get the heave-ho too!

susey · 20/12/2025 06:34

No overnight guests.

Simple rule. State it like that and it's not personal.

She is a lodger not a tenant and as such, your house, your rules.