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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

214 replies

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:11

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

OP posts:
Blablibladirladada · 21/12/2025 19:01

Smell of alcohol? A stranger…and a Baby at home?

no!!!! Please do let her lodger know that he can’t come anymore due to smelling alcohol and that she is free to go…which will be the best honestly as she might be trouble if she ever thought she could bring her 40years old boyfriend done at yours!

Blablibladirladada · 21/12/2025 19:02

Your not her…

Duchess379 · 21/12/2025 19:18

Oh no. Baby & you take precedence. You have no idea who he is. She wants to be with him, she can stay at his.
A very firm no from me

silverwrath · 21/12/2025 19:34

Breadandsticks · 20/12/2025 02:25

I agree. We feel abit protective over her as she is so young. Her family asked her to leave and find her own way - so she’s doing just that. But we are concerned about what this relationship is.

I agree with you all. We will also limit the days he can come over - and I’ll tell OH that we need to put a stop to it. When we first saw him we thought he was homeless - it was very strange.

'We will also limit the days he can come over'

Nope. If it were me he wouldn't get back in the house. Period.

You've already taken in one stray. Which is more than generous of you. If she's not happy she's free to leave.

Think of yourselves and more importantly, your baby.

PlumpHobbit · 21/12/2025 20:01

Absolutely do not allow him over/to stay

It is your house and he sounds like a CF who once hes in will be very hard to remove

The home is also your baby's, who you need to safeguard.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 21/12/2025 20:08

Jesus. You are severely unresponding to this.

You have a baby
He sounds like an opportunist and vagrant.

He would not cross.my threshold. Ever.

"Hi SarahJane,

Dh and I spoke about this. We love having you here but we arent comfortable with you inviting any guests over. That extends to visitors in the day as well as any overnight guests. We'd love you to stay but if thats something that important to you we are happy to be flexible on contract while you find somewhere else"

ShawnaMacallister · 21/12/2025 20:26

berlinbaby2025 · 20/12/2025 09:07

Because children could be at risk living with strangers or people you don’t know well? Some things are more important than money!

Show quote history

Keeping a roof over your head is pretty bloody important. I've had a lot of lodgers and none of them have ever had the opportunity to get anywhere near my child without me there, it's not that difficult to do.

berlinbaby2025 · 21/12/2025 20:59

Like I said the other day, OP and her partner could just get rid of the lodger and move into a one bedroom flat - cheaper rent and no safeguarding issues.

GreyBeeplus3 · 21/12/2025 21:19

If not careful he will become a permanent fixture
Just curious, how on earth did they meet?
You may feel responsible for her but don't let that get in the way
So, hes not allowed to visit
Cannot stay over
And fancy being so drunk you trip over the baby's pram?
Supposing baby had been in it?
Tell she can always see him elsewhere
And if she doesn't like that
She goes

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/12/2025 21:21

I would worry too, she has been kicked out by dad and his new wife (wonder who was behind that....) and has now taken up with a man who just happens to be old enough to be her father.

This young woman needs help and if the OP can do that in a "hands off" way by enforcing rules like no sleep overs, then I think thats a good thing.

bettyboo9 · 21/12/2025 21:36

Nope

TheGander · 21/12/2025 21:59

People will say I’m stereotyping but here goes. High rates of alcohol abuse and domestic violence in Eastern Europe and I’d be worried this young girl is getting into a bad cycle of accepting aberrant behaviour from men. It’s really not healthy for her to be in a relationship with san alcoholic, I hope she gets rid before he drags her down. Glad you put your foot down OP, let’s hope she does too.

smallsilvercloud · 21/12/2025 22:30

I would not allow an alcoholic to stay in my home not even to visit, he’s sounds rough. I’m surprised she’s not embarrassed by his behaviour. I’d also worry she’ll also start behaving like him.

Laurmolonlabe · 21/12/2025 23:07

Just say you don't feel comfortable with him staying over-end of.

Theslummymummy · 21/12/2025 23:09

What background check?

MangerThings · 21/12/2025 23:13

I am very tired and not up for reading the whole thread (although have read all the OP’s posts).

How sure are you that she is not a sex worker?

OkWinifred · 21/12/2025 23:16

I wouldn’t let my own DD bring someone like that into the house, let alone a lodger.

Perhaps you are beginning to see why her parents asked her to leave, if she was carrying on like this in their home.

PlumpHobbit · 22/12/2025 00:09

I also wouldn't want drunk people in my house

No is a complete sentence. Tell her no, he is not allowed in the house, if she wants to meet him, she can go out to do so. If she has a problem with it, she can move out

Definitely as other people have said makes you wonder if hes the reason her parents have kicked her out, he sounds awful

If he was sober and respectful, I could understand MAYBE allowing him for the odd NON OVERNIGHT visit, but he isnt.

You also have a young baby and if he causes damage e.g. by falling over into something, the cost will probably end up being yours to cover

I wouldn't feel safe in my own home with him there, you then have your baby's safety to consider

BAN HIM.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/12/2025 00:35

OkWinifred · 21/12/2025 23:16

I wouldn’t let my own DD bring someone like that into the house, let alone a lodger.

Perhaps you are beginning to see why her parents asked her to leave, if she was carrying on like this in their home.

Or perhaps she is "carrying on" like this because her own family have abandoned her and this guy showed her some attention and affection (or at least she sees it as affection).

Troubling behaviour in young people is rarely the cause of family issues, its more usually a consequence of neglectful and/or abusive parenting.

Original poster
Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:42

berlinbaby2025 · 21/12/2025 20:59

Like I said the other day, OP and her partner could just get rid of the lodger and move into a one bedroom flat - cheaper rent and no safeguarding issues.

@berlinbaby2025 a 1 bed is actually more expensive than the 2 bed we have now. We have a 2 bed because we got a good deal from a family friend that became a landlord.

Although I’m job hunting at the moment to increase our joint income - so wish me luck - then we won’t need a lodger. (I do work but had my hours sliced).

OP posts:
Original poster
Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:43

shuggles · 21/12/2025 18:14

@Breadandsticks Is she aware that there are men who aren't alcoholics?

I hope so.

It’s such a shame - she really could do better. Or just focus on herself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:46

ShawnaMacallister · 21/12/2025 20:26

Keeping a roof over your head is pretty bloody important. I've had a lot of lodgers and none of them have ever had the opportunity to get anywhere near my child without me there, it's not that difficult to do.

Show quote history

Thanks for this. The house is big enough for us not to notice the lodger and me or DH are always with the baby.

We are hoping this is a short fix whilst we bring our income back up as the ideal is to have a 2 bed for when baby grows up - I do have friends that have had lodgers whilst raising kids and it’s worked out. We don’t want this to be a long term thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:48

Update - today is day 1 since the big talk. She came back without the boyfriend (she stayed overnight somewhere last night) . She went to her room. Then went out again.

Although she told us she also got fired and it’s a long story. But she has another job lined up (she mentioned she was job hunting last week and had an interview).

She gets the memo about the boyfriend. But she is giving me unstable - and we all consider ending her contract if we don’t feel safe.

OP posts:
Blizzardofleaves · 22/12/2025 07:21

Breadandsticks · 22/12/2025 00:48

Update - today is day 1 since the big talk. She came back without the boyfriend (she stayed overnight somewhere last night) . She went to her room. Then went out again.

Although she told us she also got fired and it’s a long story. But she has another job lined up (she mentioned she was job hunting last week and had an interview).

She gets the memo about the boyfriend. But she is giving me unstable - and we all consider ending her contract if we don’t feel safe.

Edited

I think it’s time to say you don’t feel the arrangement is working out, unless she approaches you to talk through the issues constructively.
If your instincts are saying she unstable, then she needs to leave. The safe guarding of your baby is more important than her feelings or situation.

GAJLY · 22/12/2025 07:53

So they both got fired?! That's a bit strange isn't it? How is she going to pay the rent if she doesn't get another job? I can see this going wrong and you'll end up serving her notice.