Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

[Breadandsticks]

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

It's safety. Drunk dude likely won't listen to her when she tells him to leave and might get physical when he's told to do something he doesn't want to do, like leave the home he's hoping to stay in. This laid back husband with zero sense needs to be handling that, not OP.

Husband really seems to lack the instinct to protect his wife and baby from the danger a drunk stranger in their space can be. That is really odd and off. Even my dog got super protective when I was pregnant and when my baby was little.

Your DH is really not helping here. Tell him how it's going to be and get them both out before it gets worse.

I think you'd be out of your minds to head away again for a few days around NYE, and am stunned you left for Christmas, leaving the house in the charge of an easily led teenager you do not trust one bit!
You said from the beginning that you'd be guided by your instincts, yet you felt things were very off indeed a good bit before Christmas, and she still hasn’t been heaved out even after breaking a solemn promise about serious transgression.

I think that unless you both find your anger, as they say these days, you’ll be condemning yourselves to gawd knows what problems she’ll import in coming months.
I know I couldn’t tolerate such an uncertain, unpredictable vibe in my house.

I would definitely cancel the New Year plans. I wouldn't enjoy being away under these circumstances.

I can’t believe this is going on and, worse, your idiot partner is thinking of letting him stay permanently…just for extra money?

I get the feeling you’re surprised he started over when you were away over Christmas?!

I would have kicked her out ages ago and if it means using an overdraft or credit card to get by until the new lodger arrives then so be it.

You’re not the most important person here, and neither is your partner.

You think she is young and vulnerable, but more likely she is young and manipulative. If you think she is vulnerable, you will give her more leeway regarding her behaviour. She admits he has been staying there for two days, but more likely he has been there the whole time you were away.

She deliberately deceived you, had him to stay thinking you would never know. You can't trust her. Why would you allow her to stay for another month? So you can feel on edge in your own home? So your child might be put in harm's way? Get rid now.

Tbh I would just serve notice. Anyone with that judgement cannot be trusted surely. You will go on holiday or weekend away and come back to your house emptied by crackheads.

This was from a post on page 1 of the thread. And whilst your house hasn't been emptied by crackheads, you can absolutely be sure things will get worse until she leaves. No massive explanation beyond "We can't trust you in our home". Your baby is your primary responsibility. I expect you are feeling very alone given what a massive wet lettuce your DH is being about this situation. You'll have to get another lodger for sure, but not this one.

Oh no, you gave her the benefit of the doubt and trusted her to stay in your home with clear boundaries, but she did not stick to them at all. She’s broken her word and will not hestitate to do it again. I would ask her to leave before you go away, or cancel your plans. What a nightmare, just tell her you’re very sorry but it’s very important to you who is coming into your home, and you can see she doesn’t understand that, even when you’ve been really clear. This is not the right situation for her, she needs a more flexible lodging, whatever that is, and you need a single lodger who sticks to the very basic rules.
It doesn’t really matter what his problems are, he’s a grown up (unlike the baby) and can sort himself out.

I’d serve her notice now and tell him to leave today. She is untrustworthy. I’d stay NYE and change the locks the day she leaves.

I would be seriously pissed off with OH. While he’s entitled to have separate views on this to you, it’s absolutely stupid behaviour to consider letting this man stay when you both made it clear to the lodger he was NOT allowed to sleep over. She’s broken the house rules and therefore cannot be trusted. Anything less than ‘here’s your notice’ makes it clear she (and he by extension) can walk all over you. Very dodgy ground. I think you need a serious talk with your husband.

Edited.

For goodness sake - it’s not nonsense to have protective instinct for your family or anyone really.

As I said I ( a woman) would have protective instinct for a child in that situation, as an aunty/ sister/ family friend etc, so it’s not necessarily gender specific. If my brother was putting my niece and SIL as well as himself in that situation I’d be alarmed for sure.

Who said she needs her husband to sort it all out? Obviously the reason I called out her husband is because he’s the one who is enthusiastic about the idea of them staying and unlike Op isn’t exhibiting much of a protective instinct for his family. He needs to get on board with the idea of them leaving or at least pipe down.

Honestly from your very first post I wanted to say tell her to go and give her notice. Not because she brought this loser home, but because she made such a bad judgment in doing so. But off course posters would have flamed me for being so heartless to this ‘poor little vulnerable girl’.
I just knew that wasn’t the end of it.
why is your OH allowing this? He has a baby in the house. I would have been furious and kicked them both out. You even said she is giving you unstable vibes before you went away- always trust your gut!
they could have also let who knows what types in your home over the 2 days! She isn’t your problem. You should get them out asap

Exactly! I don’t have any sympathy or protective nonsense for young women just because they are women. A lot of young people are incredibly manipulative. She told you what you wanted to hear and fooled you. Kick them both out. You can’t have them around your baby.

I’d honestly tell them they need to leave now. She’s broken her promise, and I wouldn’t feel comfortable going away. Make sure you change the locks once they’ve left.

I’d also be quite pissed off with your other half for not backing you and for suggesting they can stay.

When I was a lodger in a young couples home they had a rule that all guests must be out of the house by 10PM. Which was great, I was in a relationship with a much older man at the time and I didn't want him sleeping over. I'd have made up that rule if it didn't already exist.

If it's really about the money for your husband, he would be asking how are 2 people with no jobs going to pay the rent?

They're not. They've spotted you as easy marks and she's trying to move him in and then she'll cry to your husband because he's the chump. And they'll be staying and he'll have money for his substances but you'll get excuses for rent.

You want to pay for a manipulative woman with no job and now her drunk BF? They would be taking money from your baby.

Your husband is a prize dumbass.

I think this lodger has bad news written all over her and did from the start. Just because she’s female doesn’t mean she won’t cause trouble, and she has proven she can’t be trusted. I have had a female lodger before thinking she would be more trustworthy than a male and she was awful; she didn’t pay on time and when she left after I asked her to go, she stole from me.

Have they gone?

Ban him from YOUR house and end her lodging agreement while youre in the process

Firstly id be doing g a VERY indepth search of the place to see if hes nicked anything

He sounds an absolute CF, and at this point so does she. Bin both, and if you need a lodger, id be wanting a single professional business person

Your husband at this point is not supporting you, your house, or your baby why is this utter CF taking priority over you (his wife) and his baby's safety?

There's no way id want a drunk in my home, never mind living there

Definitely makes you wonder if she took the piss in her parents home too, hence why they gave her the boot

Id also absolutely not be going away over new years, as you just know she will have this waste of space over

Also how's he supposed to bring the extra rent in if hes unemployed (as is she)

Youre being very nice giving her a months notice, but during this time, you risk her bringing him in again

Id want both gone immediately, and then change the locks

Get him, and her, out of YOUR house, away from your baby. You both need to safeguard your baby, you dont owe this CF man a single thing, he shouldn't even be in your house, and the girl is taking the piss having him there despite you saying you didnt want him, because she knew you weren't there so went behind your back while you were away

How can you feel safe even leaving the house for some shopping or work at this point

Throw them out, especially him. Its their problem where to go after that, she broke the rules youd set, so its her own fault

Shes also now unemployed, so im sure the next thing she will CF around is that she cant afford her lodging payment this month etc

I wouldn't be at all shocked if you find stuff missing, you need to search ASAP and get the police involved if needed

GET RID

This was my original answer on the 20th Dec and it still holds now.

Why do you think your OH has caught the weird??

I have been a lodger and had absolutely zero rights moved out after a month due to absolutely ridiculous rules but I never ever invited anyone over or had over night guests and in this case you have a child so I would be making it clear you aren't happy and let her stay alone until her time is up for payment due again and then say she has to move on if you choose to rent a room again I would suggest you pick someone older and do background checks

Yeah I know the lodger is the “villain” in this scenario but generally speaking I would never be a lodger again or recommend it .

I remember during Covid there were rules protecting tenants from eviction and to my shock I wasn’t covered as a lodger.

I had an argument with my roommate who was (legally) subletting to me and was worried I’d be turfed out with nowhere to go in spring 2020. Thankfully she wasn’t heartless and/or probably still badly wanted my help with the rent 😂 and we smoothed things over and remained civil until I left.

I moved out into my own flat in July 2020 as soon as the restrictions were dropped thankfully and have been there ever since.

I used to like being a lodger because it often involved living with the landlord or a long term tenant who tended to keep nicer homes than the ones without the landlords in them or a string of short term tenants. But on that occasion it struck me how precarious it is.

Obviously the up side of being a lodger is that you also don't make any long term or legally binding commitment - it works both ways. A lodger knows what will happen if they flout the rules and expectations. It's just the OP's partner who's done some kind of weird 180.