Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

[Breadandsticks]

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

I'd be saying no to visits too. I am sorry but your home and safety come first. She is not your responsibility.

while I hope it works out for her, she is not your responsibility and you have to do what is best for your family

Firstly, it does sound as if she is attempting to move him by stealth and as a landlord you have every right to say that he is not welcome to stay unless adding to the rental agreement (and therefore subject to background checks).

Secondly, you mention concerns as regards his background. Please do consider making a Clare's Law application to your local police- Request information under Clare's Law: Make a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS) application | Police.uk this can help your lodger find out more about someone who you are concerned may be taking advantage of her.

Finally, you mention that the lodger stumbled over a pram. If there are children in your home and you do not feel a complete stranger stumbling about the house is safe for adults then consider your child(ren)'s safety and remember that is she has asked then you can answer no.

For context, years ago my SIL was renting a room and actively encouraged my B to stay over because the landlady didn't state 'No', but tried to do a qualified (only 1 night, not in communal areas, etc) refusal. He stayed over several nights in a row and ultimately as his sister when I was made aware of this I told him to stop being a disrespectful dick (appreciate that landlords can't say this so a firm no is good).

Because the lodger could bring strange alcoholic men into the home who then do nefarious thing to/around the baby or who take or harm or tell people about the baby. Addicts will do all kinds of things to feed a habit.

Obviously you need to be very fussy when considering sharing your home!

If it was to go wrong a lodger does not have any legal rights to stay so you can essentially lock them out but that’s very extreme. When I rented my room I had 200 enquiries within 48 hours of advertising (london madness). Picked my favourites and interviewed them

It may be different without your baby in the mix but their safety must come first. It’s noble to feel protective of this woman but she is ultimately a stranger who sounds quite unstable right now. This man shouldn’t be in your home and she is increasingly sounding like an unsuitable lodger.

Sorry what? He's unstable and now she's unstable? What are you basing this on?

I'm going to say this quite plainly and I am saying this as someone who worked with homeless people for a long time. There are many people who are homeless who struggle with addiction as I'm sure you know. Homeless people aren't automatically dangers - addicts or not.

You wanted a background check - your default position was that he had to have a criminal record? Wow.

There are plenty of people who aren't homeless who have criminal records - would you have suggested this if he didn't look scruffy and didn't drink?

Now you are commenting that she's unstable - you didn't say that in previous posts - you said you were concerned about her

You have the right to have whoever you want or not in your own home - I hope if you are going to ask her to leave - that she's not made homeless by your actions. You've been happy enough to take rent from her to help your own financial situation out

BTW. I have been sacked from a job - it didn't make me unstable. My employer was dreadful. People get sacked daily - doesn't always make them bad people

I did t she say was a bad person. But all you can do in life when it comes to your family and home, is act on evidence and instinct.

She has another job lined up - she’s told us this. But obviously if she stops paying rent, then we cannot let her stay in our house for free.

However, she is young and clearly has a lot to learn about relationships and people, but letting a man into our home who comes in smelling of alcohol and can barely string a sentence together, isn’t great. She is in our family home as a lodger. This is not a shared house situation whereby you have that touch bit more freedom.

We actually told her that if she wants to continue seeing this guy, then it might make sense for her to find a houseshare. But we have to keep our family safe. We also asked her if he has a home and told her our concerns, she said he does. She always ushers him hurriedly into her room when he used to come over, as if she is hiding him or something. So even that behaviour from her is strange.

Sadly, in this situation we have to put our family first. As would anyone else.

And the homeless crisis is horrific in the coty where we are. I’ve even bought it up with our Mayor on a few occasions - but let’s face it, until the cost of rent goes down, we will continue to see working people suffering and becoming unnecessarily homeless.

You've got the right to keep your family safe - of course you do. But she's not done anything to make you feel unsafe has she? He's the issue - if you evict her - which you have the right to do - I hope you try and sign post her to somewhere she might get help. Because no one wants to be homeless particularly at this time of year.

I spoke about it on another thread so I don't mind saying it here. I was arrested and charged a few years ago - for something I didn't do. It almost completely ruined my entire life

If someone was to look at me, no one would be able to tell that that happened to me. I don't have a criminal record - it went nowhere.

There are plenty of people with alcohol issues including homeless people - who don't have criminal records or aren't a danger to anyone.

You absolutely have the right not to have him in your home - but in your first post you said he was obviously struggling - that doesn't mean he's a criminal or is a danger to your family. You can also insist that he doesn't come into your home - but if she's seeing him elsewhere really that's her issue

I worked with young people and addicts for a long time - some of them had criminal records - but not all.

As someone said earlier in the thread - you have the right to do Clares law but that's probably about it
Of course you have to do what you feel comfortable with - but I do hope if you ask her to move on - you give her a couple of weeks to find other accommodation

Update.

We’ve just come home after spending Christmas away with family. The door is locked. So we message the lodger to open it.

Her boyfriend has been staying over! She didn’t expect us back. Admits he has been there for 2 days and has begged us to let him stay because he doesn’t have a job. She said that they want to live together and has asked us to consider him sharing her room. I can’t believe this.

I’ve said no to OH, he says he can stay the night. We are arguing over this now. We won’t be spending new years at home either and lodger is travelling for the first half of January so he wants to wait it out and make a decision for when she is back.

OH is being nice for whatever reason, but this man has made both me and OH feel uncomfortable. She has forwarded us his passport - I don’t know what we are meant to do with that.

Very annoyed.

Well of course your OH is being nice - he doesn't want to lose the extra income does he?

Absolutely not! You were clear about your boundary and she disrespected that. The trust is gone. If you don't follow through, you'll have no end of trouble. Kick them out tomorrow (or whatever is reasonable) and change the locks immediately.

Nah get her out asap. She doesn’t respect your rules and boundaries. Imagine if he’d stolen something valuable or broke something in his drunken stupor ?

And I’m saying that based on the fact he’s going drunk into other people’s home, middle aged dating a vulnerable 19 year old and probably has an unstable work history. The latter doesn’t mean someone is a bad person, and I’ve been fired before too,but when you put it altogether it paints a picture of someone who might be a bit sketchy.

Honestly I’m careful with all strangers in my house as when I was younger my mum was so careless and we had tradesmen (who obviously earned decent money)nick things.

She needs to go.

She moved the guy in when you were away against your explicit conversation and is trying to get you to let him stay.

No fucking way. Pack those bags and out with them.

Your husband is being foolish. You've got someone trying to move their much older BF who's got an alcohol and who knows what other substance abuse issue in.

You do not want people with alcohol issues in your home around your baby. And these people aren't even relatives. They're strangers who think they can flout your rules in your home.

I would be raging. They both need to go. First thing in the morning if not tonight. And the locks need to be changed once you get them out Immediately and definitely before you go away for New Year. Your OH is not thinking properly.

OH is being nice for whatever reason

Either he wants to keep the income or he is suffering from white knight syndrome and thinks he can save her from herself (and men like the bf) or he has a bit of a thing for her.

As she has badly broken your trust there is absolutely no reason why she should stay. You're going to be away at New Year, BF isn't travelling until January. Guess where he'll be spending NYE.

I think you have to give her notice. This is not a stable/ safe living position. When she goes, change the locks.

I agree with you all. I feel so so so uneasy about the situation. To the point where I want to cancel NYE plans and stay in the house. She clearly can’t be trusted. Apprently she’s met this man recently at work - so I don’t get why she wants to move him in - it’s so weird.

I’ve said we should give her notice. She can stay for Jan and we can work on getting in another lodger. But we will speak to her in the morning.

Im annoyed with OH right now as he was considering raising their rent so they could both stay - I’ve told him that we are a family home, not a shared house for singles/couples.

No no no

She was told not to let him stay over
the minute you go away he stayed over
he is out now tonight
and she gets a weeks notice !

she broke the rules/agreement

and your dh does not want a strange older man staying in his home ! no matter what he currently says/thinks

soon your home will be overrun with lodgers !
as she could get pregnant any minute

Your landlord / friend may allow you one lodger but does that include more than one lodger, unemployed ones at that !

Your landlord would be within their rights to wonder just who is sleeping in their house...

adding

she has told you he has a home
so she can go and live there with him !

Tell her absolutely not and your uncomfortable with him visiting again as he’s always drunk it’s not behaviour you want your baby around.
He could be anyone I could never sleep with a stranger in my home with my baby there. Have you done a background check on him he could be a pedofile she’s very young herself It’s absolutely unreasonable of her to bring a drunk strange man into your family home. Give her notice and get a decent lodger.

Does your DH not have a shred of protective instinct in him as a father and husband? Is he usually like this?!
I’m not even a parent but I instinctively want to protect a baby from sharing a living space from that kind of man.

You would think he would be worried about the safety of all you. It seems he’s just thinking about the “easy money” but it won’t be easy in the long term. It’s not as if she’s the only potential lodger in the world.

OP she probably wants to move him in because she’s young and smitten. I had mates who did stuff like that at her age and he’s probably love bombing her as an older man with way more experience trying to weasel himself into her room and eventualy lock her down with a baby unfortunately . So it’s not “weird” as such, although it’s definitely unwise and massively inconsiderate and disrespectful .

I agree you should ask why she doesn’t move in with him, considering she’s claiming he has his own place. I suspect she can’t keep up with her/their own lies and will get herself into a muddle trying to explain.

I was a lodger with a married couple who had a toddler, for a few months but I was close friends with the woman before hand and had spent long weekends there before so they knew how i was like. I don’t drink/smoke and I didn’t bring over any guests let alone men. They barely knew I was there due to working hours, we got along grand.

Maybe look within your social circle and see if anyone needs a room so it’s not a complete stranger. Either way next time do make sure you lay clear ground rules about visitors and other expectations.

They need to leave but what on earth is the 'protective instinct' nonsense why is the op being an adult needing a man to sort this, they have a voice they can use it!

I’ve had several lodgers in the past and still have one currently. She is taking the piss. You made your wishes clear and she’s deliberately gone against them behind your back. This would be a dealbreaker for me, the trust would be gone.