Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

[Breadandsticks]

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

I enjoyed the flexibility of being a lodger in case things didn’t work out in the flatshare,
no one is saying there are no benefits for sure. However the risk of being turfed out that struck me during the early weeks of the pandemic definitely outweighed those benefits and made me rethink it.

It might suit some but for me as someone who didn’t have family in the city I was living in to fall back on, security of tenancy ended up being more important.

Although I did have some lovely stays as a lodger and still keep in touch with some landlords so I don’t regret it, but I am glad to be no longer a lodger.

Why was he fired?

All very odd.

Agree that she needs safeguarding here.

Oh, just seen your last post. I’d give her notice now.

You can’t trust her.

She had gone against your very clear wishes.

She’s leaving at the end of this month.

She said she wants to find a place with her boyfriend. When we came back it’s as if he pretty much moved in, they had their food in our fridge (we have separate fridges) and he had a large bag.

She knew she messed up and was very embarrassed.

I think it’s a shame to see a 19 year old girl follow an almost 40 year old man that clearly needs help, when she could have had a roof over her head and has a job. He isn’t working at the moment, she did send us his passport - maybe to show he is a person - but she seems to be supporting him - despite saying they’ve only been dating a month or so!

Anyway - hopefully this is the end of that.

So even the ‘embarrassment’ of Christmas didn’t stop them. End of the month probably can’t come quickly enough for you. Do you think he is manipulating her?

She’s a fool, but a lot of 19yo are. It’s a good reason to bring your child up better than this, with more self respect and family support so they don’t end up being used.
Silly girl, I hope it’s all quiet until she leaves, she’s absolutely shameless.

Well , you couldnt make it up! Fired on the spot?.. from what work. Load of nonsense, he is homeless , as was she but now trying to get back on her feet, with some thanks to you. No to the 'boyfriend'- you did right. He needs a seperate 'you'

Oops i am clearly nit up to date here. Good luck

You're not in anyway obliged to honour her staying until the end of month, as you know, @Breadandsticks . I would install ring doorbells, if you don't already have them and tell her that if her boyfriend steps foot in your home, she will be asked to leave immediately. And stick to that.

I'm reminded of the saying "No good deed goes unpunished". I hope you don't catch a cold by allowing her to stay on til the end of the month. Your kindness may not be perceived as such but demonstrative of a lack of self respect and care for your own family in which case don't be surprised if things get a lot worse.

She is on holiday for half of the month anyway. And she hasn't been around much since. S @HomeTheatreSystem I hope not.

@Surgz honestly, it is not a good look. She starts a new job when she is back from holidays - but she was defending him a bit too much.

How is she managing to have a holiday when she's a 19 year old who's not currently working?

Watch your place carefully before she leaves.

"steps foot" 🤯 - sets foot OR steps. otherwise agree.

Is this a case of, 'no one falls in love as fast as a man who needs somewhere to live' and he's using her to live in your place for free.