Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

[Breadandsticks]

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

Besides the safety and security issue, if you're so hard up for money you can't pay the rent without a lodger, how can you afford the bill increases that an extra person brings in water and electric? How would you afford yet another person staying over and adding to those bills?

This is so obviously a no.

Are you subletting?
Does your landlord know?

Get her out and make sure you have changed all the locks, including windows.
Don't complain, don't explain.
You will save money by using less gas, water and electricity after she leaves.
If its still too expensive then downsize-easier to do with a baby than older children.
I would do a Clare's Law and a Sarah's Law on the bloke in any case, that way if there is anything on record she will be told (and may not share with you, but at least she will know)

An extra person uses much less in bills than the cost of the rent. Otherwise nobody would have lodgers.

Even if all you saw is word salad. It seems to have ignited some semblance of reality. So I am not going to complain about that. Blessed wishes to you too 🙏

Honestly I don’t know how we got here but it’s endemic.

Absolutely not, and frankly I would ask her not to bring him to the house again. In fact, I'd be inclined to ask her to leave and get someone nicer. This is not a business or a B&B, it is YOUR HOME. Be firm and consistent.

I’ve actually worked closely with homeless people and know people in my circle that have been affected by homelessness. I have been homeless (for a short period) myself and I am very clued up on hidden homelessness.

So I come at the subject from a place of knowledge thank you very much.

However I can understand how ignorant people might interpret it as a shallow comment.

our lodger mentioned that she was in a hostel for a short period of time - and whilst I know there are different types of hostels, and they are not all bad (again Ive known a few people placed in hostels and it wasn’t the most pleasent)

All I can do is go by gut and information, observation and some intelligence and I feel the situation isn’t right

Update- weve spoken to her about it. We’ve agreed that we don’t feel safe with him being in the house. She’s agreed and respects the rules and says they will meet outside the house.

Although a strange situation happened. Apparently they both met at work and last night he was fired on the spot - which is why he asked if he can stay. But that doesn’t make sense if you have your own home - surely you would just go to your house and wait for your girlfriend.

Anyway - it’s all a little weird. The good news is we won’t be seeing him again.

Yes - the landlord is a good friend and they are aware of everything.

Fired on the spot? That's not good and I'm really glad you told her he couldn't stay over.

Your husband needs to step up his safety game here. If this guy was coming into your space drunk or high, wasn't he worried about this stranger possibly bringing drugs into the home where his young children and wife are? Or that he could cause scenes his kids shouldn't be exposed to?

In all honesty I’ve been more strict about the situation than OH. He did actually step up yesterday when we had the conversation with the lodger. She stayed somewhere else overnight. We will take it a day at a time and trust our instincts.

We are not emotionally attached to the lodger, but I think anyone with a heart would be concerned about a 19 year old seeing a man that could be her dad and needs some help and feel abit weird about it.

the good thing about lodger contracts is that they can be terminated at any moment. She is aware of this. Seems pretty apologetic and we will take it a day at a time.

You definitely did the right thing, a baby in the house doesn’t really need a drunken stumbling strange man, especially over night when you’re asleep, you never know what’s happening and you won’t sleep well, glad he’s not coming back

If you agree to once a week you will never get rid of him.

I take in a lodger, I say from the outset to stop overs.

She sounds a vulnerable young woman who is being taken advantage of by this older, homeless, alcoholic bum.Tell her no, and perhaps help her get some self-esteem so that she doesn't attract those types in the future.

He can’t stay over. You have a young child of your own to look after. So it’s a plain no.
what happened with the young girls family?

perhaps they turfed her out because she does silly things like this….

100% this!

@Breadandsticks Is she aware that there are men who aren't alcoholics?

No.. been there! My rule was if partner stays over 1 night , they stay at partners 1 night or quite simply no overnight stays at all. Honestly the alternative is you have a non paying additional lodger who stays in bed while they go out to work!!

Hard no OP. This is your home and she’s renting a room for herself, not a plus one. You have a baby in the house - even if you didn’t it’s a risk. Tell her now so there’s no misunderstanding. He doesn’t come into the house under any circumstances. She’s not your responsibility or your priority - the safety of yourself and your family are.

Not to be alarmist but in the city i live a good few years ago a male lodger murdered the families young children. Just dont. Say NO. She can go out to see her boyfriend or she can find somewhere else to live. Nothing is worth the risks of having an known man in your house.

we will take it a day at a time.

Really?!

With a baby you are looking at the next 20 - 30 years.

Your baby is a lot more important than needing to accomodate some randoms.

NO is a complete sentence.

No he can’t stay over and I’d get rid of the lodger too or substitute for an older person, 28 yo at least