Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

[Breadandsticks]

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

This is such a bad idea!
OP you should have said no from the very beginning. Say no to visits, let alone sleepovers. This is your home. You have a tiny baby!

"homeless"?

Why the need to add your own information to this situation? It makes you look weird and unintelligent.

OP, it'd be a flat no from me (and I break loads of MN rules).

God no, he wouldnt be allowed in my home. Your house, your rules if she doesnt like it she needs to find a new place to rent!

No no no ! I would bet money that letting him stay over will be him moving in ! You will then have trouble evicting him. Trust your gut you would never forgive yourself if anything untoward happened

@heightcomparison

Can you explain the relevance of that thing you just linked to please.

Where does it say he’s homeless?

Protect your baby. I wouldn't have the lodger either tbh. You just don't know what their intentions are and your baby can't speak up for herself.

Absolutely not, it’s your home and it’s not at all unreasonable to only want people you know and trust in it with your baby. I wouldn’t sleep a wink and would have horrors of bumping into him on the way to the bathroom in the night.

Also, it might create a safe space for your lodger to have someone else enforce the rules. It is easier to say ‘I’m not allowed to’ rather than ‘I don’t want to’. It might be helpful for her.

Have you asked her why he tripped over the pram and whether he was drunk and has alcohol problems? For a start he shouldn’t be coming over in a drunken state to a family home.

YANBU.

And I’d be counting the silver (metaphorically) after he’s visited.

The OP says he looks 10 years older than them. They are mid 30s. This would suggest he is in his 40s. OP says he looks rough and smells of alcohol, which is why previous posters might have made the assumption that he is homeless. Plus if he had a place to live, surely the lodger could go and stay with him rather than him with her.

No he can't stay. This is our family home and it's not appropriate. We are concerned about your relationship with this person, but if you want to have him in your home, then maybe a house share would work better for you than lodging with a family. Do you want to take a week to find somewhere more suitable? In the meantime, he's not welcome here at all.

This. If she doesn’t have the judgement to realise how inappropriate it is to ask for a regularly drunken man to come and stay at your house, she will be sneaking him (and other people) in when you are out. Let her go.

Your only priority here is to safeguard your child, yourself and your husband.

Allowing an unknown man into your home fails on all of those counts. This would be the case even if he behaved normally.

The fact that he has been drunk and incapable in your home and around your baby tells you everything you need to know. Be an adult. Tell your lodger he is not to come into your home again ever and that if he does she will have to leave.

If your relationship with your lodger is good enough you can also tell her that hooking up with a drunk twice her age will end in tears. But she probably will not listen.

OP says 10 years older than them not 10 years older than the lodger
No need to be rude

Was going to say something similar to @Coatsoff42 - this teenager might be hoping you’ll say she’s not allowed to bring him inside anymore

This needs to be a limit of zero, no other limit will work.

I hope you aren't planning on going away on holiday.

I agree 👆

100% no.
You don't know anything about this man. Your gut instinct is that somethings not right. You have a vulnerable young child in your midst, I honestly wouldn't have him anywhere in the vicinity of your house.

You're being too nice. Firstly, him staying overnight is a huge safeguarding risk for your baby unless you're planning to stay awake all night to watch over the baby.

Secondly, it is perfectly reasonable for you to say he cannot now come round at all because he appears to be an alcoholic. You are doing the lodger no favours by accepting this as normal. If you want to help her, gently explain that this does not look like a healthy relationship and encourage her to set healthy boundaries for herself.

As others have said, her judgement clearly isn’t what it should be. Do you know her well? Generally speaking, having lodgers living with babies or older kids isn’t a god idea.

I would give her notice but presumably you need help paying your mortgage and I wonder if this is skewing your own judgment regarding you thinking of limiting his stays, when to be really blunt about it someone like him shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near your child.

Definitely no to staying over, but you need to have a conversation with her as to what and what isn’t allowed. If you say yes to occasional stay overs before you know it, he may want to move in permanently.

No to staying over. When my children were young I wouldn’t have wanted another man in my home. I didn’t even allow my babysitter to bring her boyfriend.

Absolutely not.
Theres no way id want him in tbe house never mind stopping over