Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

[Breadandsticks]

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

What does your lodger agreement say about overnight guests? A typical clause might say words to the effect of “Lodger to give 24 hours notice of any overnight guests and landlord has the right to refuse at their discretion”

You have to prioritise the safety of your baby. I would be honest with your lodger that you feel worried about the state he is in, and she will have to meet him elsewhere going forward. She is too young to fully comprehend the danger she is putting everyone in.

It's perfectly reasonable to have ground rules with a lodger. Just say no overnights, or that he can't visit at all. You could just say you've decided it's no to any visitors. You can get a draft lodgers agreement from Spare Room in which you can stipulate no visitors, which she can sign if you want to make it formal. This man could have a criminal record for all you know. What if he comes when you're out and rifles through your belongings? Better to be firm now and maintain a civil relationship with her.

Just say no. Not with the baby here and no DBS check. Although why you’ve got a lodger when you have a baby is crazy to me.

Having been in situation it’s a hard no YANBU
we had our young lodger for 18 months and it went well for the first 12. Things started to go downhill once she started to act like a family member. A lodger is not a housemate, very different to a flat share. Tell her you have thought it over and decided you want to stick to the definition of lodger - no houseguests day or night whatever. This is your home and they can get a hotel room for the night if they choose. Alternatively she can search for a flatshare arrangement that might have more flexibility. Try not to feel motherly towards her because she is young. Stick to your boundaries and you can both have a respectful cohabiting experience.

Nope. She’s a lodger, not a housemate, suggest she stays at his. Or better yet, rent their own flat.

Drunk stranger stumbling around your house? Just no, blanket no to overnight guests.

Crazy? It’s a 7.5k tax free decent income for a young family and I don’t know why more people don’t consider it

Because knowing who is in the house with your baby is worth more than 7.5k tax free income to most people, surely.

I assume you need the income or you wouldn’t have taken on a lodger.
If she has been with you for a while and everything else is mostly ok then tell her that this man is not welcome in your home. If he’s drunk enough to stumble he could cause damage to your home, even if you keep your baby well away from him.
It is probably safest to ask her to leave. How do you know she will not let him in when you are not home? She might not feel she can refuse.
It’s not that I don’t feel sympathy for your lodger, but there must have been a reason that her own family decided she couldn’t remain in their home.

Because children could be at risk living with strangers or people you don’t know well? Some things are more important than money!

I would say a firm no.
I have had lodgers for 10 years and have always allowed guests but my lodgers have never put me in this situation, they have only ever brought home people who we would be happy to have in the house.
If she wants to hang out with walking red flags that’s up to her but then she will need to find accommodation that is more appropriate to high risk living. A room in someone else’s house is not.

Say no, unless you want two lodgers for the price of one. And I might say the visiting can only be occasionally not a regular thing, or you will find him there all hours of the day even if technically he doesn't stay over.

Definite no. Just say no overnight guests allowed. And that you're not comfortable with any of her guests being drunk in the house.

I would sit her down and say ok Lodger, you are an adult, but haven’t been one for long so let me give you some guidance along with explaining the house rule. When you asked if your boyfriend could come over, I wasn’t expecting a drunken man who doesn’t take care of himself or consider others. This is not an appropriate person to have in this family home, and to be honest it’s beyond me what he is adding to your life. You are an independent woman, you don’t need to be taking care of someone else.

No to the man and also, if the lodger is not your responsibility, ie a family member or best friends child, then I would be reconsidering the whole lodger situation with a young baby in the house. Your lifestyle is vastly different to a 19 year old with no kids, I don't think it's compatible. If she was your own child or a family member you could have more say in elwhat she did and how she behaves but as a paying lodger I think you become unstuck and it could end badly anyway.

No, and stand your ground. He may have clean background check but it means nothing frankly if your instincts are off.

Why are you asking random strangers on the internet, obviously you just say no. If you agree you are likely to find you have two lodgers before long. You will be doing the girl a favour saying no, since he is obviously not good for her. In your position I would not even allow him in your house at all, he is not a suitable person to be anywhere near a baby.

It would be a firm no from me. She is your lodger, not him. He sounds like he could become a risk to you and possibly your child. Nip it on the bud now before it becomes a regular thing. If they want to move in together then she needs to give her notice and find somewhere else.

Good point! OP would definitely be doing her a favour by refusing. He sounds like bad news.

Probably because of situations like the OPs, which are quite common? I’ve had three lodgers before having my family, one was fine and a friend, the other two were a nightmare - one was violent and one stole from me when she left - I wouldn’t risk it now I have DCs unless I was 100% certain they were not a risk. Even then I would be asking them to leave at the first sign of trouble.

OP is it difficult to find a lodger where you are? Sounds like a professional in their 20s/30s would be a better fit if you need the income.

I don’t know, maybe she’s asking random strangers on the internet because she has never been in this position before, she wants to do the right thing and her dh disagrees with her?

She needs a flat share if she wants overnight guests.

"I'm sorry but no. This is a family home and weve rented the room to you as we felt you were the best fit and the maximum capacity we want is three adults in the home. Sleepovers will need to be at his home."

You have a baby!! Absolutely not!! This is highly inappropriate. He should not be in your house and quite frankly neither should she!!

What on earth are you thinking?!