Lodgers struggling boyfriend staying over

[Breadandsticks]

We have a female lodger, we are a couple with a baby in our mid 30s. She’s only 19. Recently she’s asked if her boyfriend can come over, we’ve said yes. But he looks about 10 years older than us, looks rough, always smells of alcohol and can barely walk straight every time he comes. He stumbled over the pram last time, and she had to walk him up the stairs. He stays for a few hours then leaves.

She’s asked if he can stay over. I honestly don’t want him over or for this to become a habit. We don’t know him and haven’t done a background check, but we wonder if we should. My OH is abit more relaxed but is finding this whole situation strange too.

AIBU to say no, he can see her but not stay over? Or ask for a background check on him?

He looks homeless. He’s drunk in your home. Why haven’t you banned him?! What on earth are you thinking?!

I'd be banning him completely and if she doesn't like it she can leave. You can't have some random drunk showing up all the time, even during the day and absolutely not with a baby in the house.

I wouldn't let him visit at all. It's your home and he's trying to move in with a much younger woman and your family by stealth.

I would simply say no to overnight guests. In doing so you are not only protecting your house and children but also her.

I would absolutely not be allowing any random man staying in the house overnight with my children. I think I would ban him altogether from your description.

Her family asked her to leave and find her own way
Unfortunately there is usually a very good reason why parents do this and it’s often done as a last resort. And no one is going to tell someone they want to move in with that they had to move out of their parents’ house because their own behaviour was appalling.

You can tell her this guy or anyone at all can’t stay overnight. She might even keep to that. But I think you can see her judgment is questionable for her to have thought it was ok to bring him into your home in the first place. Even if I didn’t have a baby, I think I would now be on edge.

As she wants to spend time with friends when she is at home I would tell her it’s time to get a room in a house share. Present it to her as being good for her, more fun and so on but that it is definitely time for her to leave.

Just say no. You wanted one person living with you and sharing your facilities, not two. You have the baby to consider. Not like you need to tell her you think he's a drunken axe murderer, just that it could disturb the baby's sleep pattern and daily routine.

Even if bf was responsible, sober, well groomed and a similar age to her it wouldn't be a good idea.

If he moves in it'll happen under your nose by stealth and you'll have a nightmare getting rid.

I know you shouldn’t judge a book - but he looks tired, but almost as if you haven’t had a shower in a while. Has mumbled speech, (he will say things like “hello” and “thanks for letting me stay”) so short speech. He has come with a suitcase a few times. We did ask her if he has somewhere to live, and she said he does - so that is cleared up. He has staggered in every time. It’s so so strange.

I wouldn’t want him dating my 19year old. It’s hard not to be judgy when your first instinct is concern

He never stays over. This was the first time she asked if he can. She always asks (which are the rules).

She’s a waitress. We have her dad as a guarantor. Apparently she met said boyfriend at work, so he will come over for an hour before their shift and they will leave together. Or sometimes he will just come over for a short while, and leave. Sometimes she is out all night (again she can do what she wants). He has never stayed the night.

She’s a young Eastern European girl and seems close to her family, I don’t know if this makes a difference. Her dad is her with new wife and everyone else is abroad.

When it comes to protecting your child, yourself and your home you absolutely need to be judgy.

Stop this man coming to your home. You are endangering your child.

our rent is very high and we had a huge dip in income this year due to ill health. It’s hopefully a short term fix.

The baby sleeps with us and except for this boyfriend situation, she keeps out of our way. Works for half the day and is either in her room or using facilities. So it was fine.

Well we are more useful to our baby if we can keep a roof over our heads. Sadly we are not all rich and her income really helps us with the rent. We’ve already been evicted once when baby was born (landlord wanted to sell). So we found a good deal but the only way we can afford it for now.

Absolutely not. Offer them a hand, next they bite your arm off.
Never.
Speaking from experience.

Er. They are clearly homeless.

Why do so many people in this country want to live devoid of any reality. Even seeing something or making deductions based on another’s account is nope. No not even doctors or science is truth either. Not the news telling truth. Not someone’s account on social media. That photo could be not real.

Seriously how do they function!

I bet you would accept the random homeless guys words as truth 😂 literally the person you should take the most pinch of salt with.

I wouldn’t be letting anyone in, day or nights if they appeared drunk. Your baby’s safety is the lost important thing here. No drunk men in the house.

I have no idea what the fuck you've just said.

The unsavoury man in the thread MIGHT be homeless.

That's it. That's all we have here, bless you.

Like others, no I would not let him be there overnight. I would also request full details and a check with police to let him be there at all.

To protect your home.
To protect you three.
To protect your child.

I would also be mindful of any time you are away - consider a ring camera - and of any time your lodger has with your child when you are not there (even when you are at the bathroom). It is rare (I work in a related field so much more cautious than most) but women have been known to send photos etc of children on their male partners request.

So you are subletting? Does the landlord know? You don’t want to be in a position where he or she damages the property and your own tenancy is then at risk.

Could not agree more. Unkempt, drunk, turning up with a suitcase and angling to stay over. Sofa surfing at best.

So many people in the UK so determined “not to judge” that they are prepared to put their children’s and their own safety at risk even when reality is staring them in the face.

There may be all sorts of reasons for this man being in this state. We might all sympathise with him on one level. But accepting a drunken stranger in your home with a small child around is dangerous and negligent.

And if the landlord gets wind of it the tenants will be in breach of contract. Landlord’s insurance will be null and void and they will be out at the first opportunity.

Subletting is usually prohibited in tenancy agreements, so if this is the case and if your landlord finds out you and your husband could be in big trouble.

Surely the answer is to kick out the lodger and find a home with one less bedroom which would be cheaper?

Does your landlord know that you have a lodger? You are subletting in a rented house. Most landlords wouldn't want to touch that with a bargepole. Whonis the lodgers contract with?

Just say no, or you’ll find he is living there to.

This is a physical safety and security issue.

You have a baby in the home and strange men shouldn't be staying over, much less drunken strange men.

You're coming across like you feel responsible for this young woman. She's your lodger, not a relative and you're going to have to quash those feelings. This is a business relationship. Lay out ground rules for her. No strange men staying over. If he damages something of yours, she has to pay for it to be replaced.

Say no. If she asks again, she has to leave.

Wait, you're renting and then subletting? Why would you risk the roof over your heads? Second job time if so.

100% this. Put your foot down now or they'll take the piss.

Don't run a check on him, because then you have nowhere to go if its clear. Just no to overnight guests, and stick with it.