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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel a bit weird about what my cleaner did.

858 replies

DeadlyDead · 19/12/2025 17:29

My cleaner has been with me for a few years. She’s a very nice woman, but can be a bit sensitive (if I give any feedback/ask for her to change something she does etc. she doesn’t take it well). I trust her- she has her own set of keys for my house, knows the alarm code etc. Good relationship overall- if I’m home when she’s here I’ll make us both coffee and we’ll chat.

She came on Monday for her usual cleaning appointment. I put my Christmas decorations up last weekend and she was very complimentary of them, asking where I got various bits etc. To be fair, I do go a bit OTT and love Christmas and this year’s decorations turned out especially well- I make a lot of stuff myself, and also have been collecting bits for years. We had coffee and then I needed to go out so we said our goodbyes, and I left her to it.

She lives about eight miles away from me, but we’re in the same area.

Today, I went onto Facebook and a post from a local group I’m in came up. It was a photo of someone showing off their Christmas decorations- I had to do a double take because it was my house! Pictures of my living room, hallway, landing, and sitting room, all decked out for Christmas. They were posted by my cleaner (under her own name- we’re not FB friends but both members of this group). The caption is along the lines of “not bad for a tired mum of three” and there are a few thousand likes and a several hundred comments (it’s a very big group). Lots asking where she got various items from and she’s replying, based on her asking me the same thing on Monday! In one comment she didn’t know where something was from and replied “I’ve had that for years, it was originally my Nan’s” 😮 (about a candle holder I got in Next c. 2019!!)

When I first saw it, I was a bit perplexed but didn’t dwell. Now that it’s sunk in, I’m a bit pissed off. My home isn’t instantly recognisable to strangers based on those photos, it does feel like a breach of privacy.

As I said, she can be quite sensitive so even saying this to her gently will likely result in her getting upset, and likely not coming to clean for me again. I can get another cleaner, but I don’t really want things to end this way as I’ve been happy with her until now.

In my shoes, would you be annoyed?

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
EasternEcho · 21/12/2025 11:05

Mropalsmusic · 21/12/2025 09:34

Well she’s not the cleaners psychologist or family member or friend. This is very strange and intrusive behaviour, OP doesn’t need to have a chat about why she did it.

All she needs to do IMO is get the keys back/change locks etc, say she doesn’t require her services anymore and ask her to take the post down and to delete any photos she has of her house .

Anything more could just be poking the bear unnecessarily considering this women’s mindset and her temperament.

And Op has already decided pages back on how she will handle this.

Edited
Show quote history

OP had stated in her first post that she would rather not end it this way, and if it was me, I would give someone a chance to state if there was some mitigating factors. I know the course of action the OP is settling on, but that doesn't mean I cannot post a suggestion. It is an open forum after all.

ExitViaGiftShop · 21/12/2025 11:14

Say nothing for now until you’ve got your door keys off of her. Although I’d be tempted to change the locks, she could have made copies. She might be letting herself into your house whilst you are at work to do Instagram shoots, pretending your house is hers. Do some investigating into her social media.

dontbeataboutthebush · 21/12/2025 12:10

Comment and say what a beautiful house, then ask if she has a cleaner as you are looking for a new one. The woman is unhinged

ILoveLaLaLand · 21/12/2025 12:57

dontbeataboutthebush · 21/12/2025 12:10

Comment and say what a beautiful house, then ask if she has a cleaner as you are looking for a new one. The woman is unhinged

Are you normally cruel to people who are vulnerable?

Bigcat25 · 21/12/2025 13:10

I worked with someone in similar circumstances to op's cleaner. She lied about the profession she did on facebook to impress her relatives back home. She was never malicious or caused harm to anyone, but it is bizarre.

seafoamhair · 21/12/2025 13:17

Imdunfer · 21/12/2025 08:20

You don't seem to understand that many people have doubts about their own reactions and whether they're rational or not, and can be unsure about the best way to handle the situation, so they post on here to clarify their thoughts, get support, and get different ideas of what to do next.

Confrontation is difficult for many people. The cleaner has already been described as being difficult to criticise or direct. And once the thread has been set running, the 30 or 40 pages is indicative only of how popular Mumsnet is.

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But OP has ultimately decided she is letting the cleaner go, after Christmas. But she may not tell her why... which is bizarre, given it means the FB post stays up and the cleaner does not know why she is being suddenly dumped.

I’ll get the keys back after Christmas and tell her I no longer need her. Still haven’t decided if I tell her why, or just let it go."

ClairDeLaLune · 21/12/2025 13:31

You’ve gone from this:

"As I said, she can be quite sensitive so even saying this to her gently will likely result in her getting upset, and likely not coming to clean for me again. I can get another cleaner, but I don’t really want things to end this way as I’ve been happy with her until now."

to this:

"I’ve texted her this morning to say that plans for next week have changed and I don’t need her Monday. I’ve also changed the alarm and gate codes, and will put the security system on on the off-chance she does decide to call on Monday. I can’t imagine she would at all, but at least I’m covered. I’ll get the keys back after Christmas and tell her I no longer need her. Still haven’t decided if I tell her why, or just let it go."

Why?

Is it because Mumsnetters have been egging you on on this thread? If you otherwise value her and want to keep her as a cleaner, why not just talk to her? Say you’ve seen what she’s done and would appreciate it if she took the post down and didn’t take any further photos.

pinkyredrose · 21/12/2025 13:37

ILoveLaLaLand · 21/12/2025 12:57

Are you normally cruel to people who are vulnerable?

Show quote history

What makes you think she's vulnerable?

StrikeForever · 21/12/2025 13:51

ILoveLaLaLand · 21/12/2025 12:57

Are you normally cruel to people who are vulnerable?

Show quote history

There is evidence that she could be unhinged. No real evidence that she is vulnerable. Even if she is, it doesn’t justify what she did.

GameOfJones · 21/12/2025 14:32

Indeed. Clearly something isn't right with her if she's done this and whether you should feel sorry for her or scared of her doesn't really change that the trust has gone and you can no longer have her in the house.

We had a cleaner steal an item of jewellery from us. She would have had to open a drawer in our bedroom, rummage around and take the rings out of a box. It turned out we weren't the first people it had happened to once I reported it. So really you no Inger know what she is capable of.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/12/2025 14:42

ILoveLaLaLand · 21/12/2025 12:57

Are you normally cruel to people who are vulnerable?

Show quote history

You can't do whatever you like just because you may be 'vulnerable'.

Actions have consequences.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 14:44

ILoveLaLaLand · 21/12/2025 12:57

Are you normally cruel to people who are vulnerable?

Show quote history

What makes you think she’s vulnerable ? This is a matter of trust and she’s breached it. She’s posted photos of the interior of someone else’s home without their permission and has passed it off as her own - going to some lengths to do it. It gives off creepy vibes and I’m not sure I would want someone like this to have the keys to my home and the run of the place. Vulnerability doesn’t come into it.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2025 14:52

ClairDeLaLune · 21/12/2025 13:31

You’ve gone from this:

"As I said, she can be quite sensitive so even saying this to her gently will likely result in her getting upset, and likely not coming to clean for me again. I can get another cleaner, but I don’t really want things to end this way as I’ve been happy with her until now."

to this:

"I’ve texted her this morning to say that plans for next week have changed and I don’t need her Monday. I’ve also changed the alarm and gate codes, and will put the security system on on the off-chance she does decide to call on Monday. I can’t imagine she would at all, but at least I’m covered. I’ll get the keys back after Christmas and tell her I no longer need her. Still haven’t decided if I tell her why, or just let it go."

Why?

Is it because Mumsnetters have been egging you on on this thread? If you otherwise value her and want to keep her as a cleaner, why not just talk to her? Say you’ve seen what she’s done and would appreciate it if she took the post down and didn’t take any further photos.

I think this is the most sensible solution. I would be honest that I’d seen the posts, recognised my home in the photos and ask why she did it. OP needs to explain that it’s a breach of trust and an invasion of privacy which has made her very uncomfortable given that the cleaner has keys, and free access when OP is not home.

If she’s been found out doing this, what else is she up to that OP doesn’t know about ? This would be my problem and for that reason I do think that in addition to asking her to take down the posts and delete the photos, I would frame it as a verbal warning, and make it clear that any similar incidents will result in dismissal.

WhyAreYouIkeThis · 21/12/2025 15:24

"Exactly there have been a few posters in particular who have filled this thread with posts saying the most absurd things to minimise this and excuse her. They are either like this themselves or they think they look good by saying they would let it go."

Oh yes. Absolutely. It couldn't possibly be that they simply have a different opinion or thought process to you, they're just saying things to look kind.
And they couldn't possibly have formed an opinion unless they are "like this themselves". I know I can't empathise with anybody unless I have the exact same experience as them. If I disagree with someone, even slightly, all my humanity and empathy goes out the window.

Deep as the ocean @Mropalsmusic aren't you? 😂

Milkbloo · 21/12/2025 15:36

I would report the posts to FB, as well as getting the keys back and not using her again. What an extremely sad thing to happen. Depressing. Sorry this happened to you, op.

Radiator981 · 21/12/2025 15:41

When my cleaner regularly started leaving 15 mins early I spoke to her about some extra tasks she could do and she took huge offence to that saying I don’t think she can clean well. She was an excellent cleaner but over the month that was an hour and the jobs I had were still cleaning.

Anyway she had my keys but she fell out with me and then I just asked for my keys back.

carkerpartridge · 21/12/2025 15:47

I would be concerned that she was planning to use your house for a party while you were away.

WhyAreYouIkeThis · 21/12/2025 15:54

"You can't do whatever you like just because you may be 'vulnerable'.

Actions have consequences."

Err where did that poster suggest that vulnerable should be allowed to do whatever they like or that actions don't have consequences @SouthLondonMum22?

You're arguing against an imaginary comment.

All they were saying is that the post they were replying to was cruel and unnecessary. Just because somebody wrongs you doesn't give you free rein to do whatever you like in return and it doesn't mean you're barred from having any compassion. Even if you need to cut ties or whatever. The woman posted a few pictures, she didn't cook OPs cat in a pie and feed it to her, there's no need to go overboard.
Don't forget AcTiOnS hAvE cOnSeqUeNCeS 😁

xxSusanMxx · 21/12/2025 16:13

I would have 100% hearted the post and left it at that. Imagine her seeing that notification from you and now knowing that you know what she has done 😅🤣

dontbeataboutthebush · 21/12/2025 16:50

ILoveLaLaLand · 21/12/2025 12:57

Are you normally cruel to people who are vulnerable?

Show quote history

What is it that gives you the impression this person is vulnerable? And yes I am always to the point to blatant liars which is what this person is

Imdunfer · 21/12/2025 16:51

seafoamhair · 21/12/2025 13:17

But OP has ultimately decided she is letting the cleaner go, after Christmas. But she may not tell her why... which is bizarre, given it means the FB post stays up and the cleaner does not know why she is being suddenly dumped.

I’ll get the keys back after Christmas and tell her I no longer need her. Still haven’t decided if I tell her why, or just let it go."

Show quote history

As I've already explained some people find confronting issues like this extremely difficult and would prefer just to avoid explaining our discussing it. It isn't bizarre, it's actually quite normal to avoid confrontation like this.

SouthLondonMum22 · 21/12/2025 16:59

WhyAreYouIkeThis · 21/12/2025 15:54

"You can't do whatever you like just because you may be 'vulnerable'.

Actions have consequences."

Err where did that poster suggest that vulnerable should be allowed to do whatever they like or that actions don't have consequences @SouthLondonMum22?

You're arguing against an imaginary comment.

All they were saying is that the post they were replying to was cruel and unnecessary. Just because somebody wrongs you doesn't give you free rein to do whatever you like in return and it doesn't mean you're barred from having any compassion. Even if you need to cut ties or whatever. The woman posted a few pictures, she didn't cook OPs cat in a pie and feed it to her, there's no need to go overboard.
Don't forget AcTiOnS hAvE cOnSeqUeNCeS 😁

Compassion for what? The only person to blame for her actions is herself. If she didn't want to be fired then she didn't have to lie when trust is such an important part of her job.

She didn't do something as extreme as cooking OPs cat in a pie and feeding to her either but at the same time, simply saying that she posted a few pictures dismisses how unsettling and creepy it must've been for OP to come across the FB post, not to mention wondering if she's ever done anything like this before.

Kazm63 · 21/12/2025 17:14

CaptainMyCaptain · 20/12/2025 19:00

Eh?

Show quote history

It’s a similar scenario to what happened but without directly saying to the cleaner that you know, this gives the maid the opportunity to mention what she’s done and also what the result is likely to be

Justthethingsthatyoudointhisgarden · 21/12/2025 17:28

Major invasion of privacy. I absolutely would sack her.

Mropalsmusic · 21/12/2025 17:35

EasternEcho · 21/12/2025 11:05

OP had stated in her first post that she would rather not end it this way, and if it was me, I would give someone a chance to state if there was some mitigating factors. I know the course of action the OP is settling on, but that doesn't mean I cannot post a suggestion. It is an open forum after all.

Show quote history

Well Op obviously had some time to consider and changed her mind when she woke up and was thinking about checking the cctv which showed that she was unsettled by it and had no trust left in the cleaner.

I don't understand why it takes 30 or 40 pages of strangers commenting on situations where a direct question and conversation between the two people concerned can settle most things.

Exactly, it is fine to post a suggestion as it as an open forum, but you were the one saying why does it take 30-40 pages of comments when a chat could have settled things. That is why I stated she has already made up her minds before “30 pages of comments”

And ultimately it doesn’t really matter how many pages of comments were posted before she made her decision. It’s absolutely fine to seek advice on MN hence the point of these threads. As a pp said the amount of posts only tells you how popular a thread is on MN it doesn’t necessarily mean you needed “40 pages of comments”

The course of action may have seemed obvious or easy to you but it wasn’t to OP initially. Hence she posted. Everyone’s different. Not sure why that’s difficult to understand.