Feel a bit weird about what my cleaner did.

[DeadlyDead]

My cleaner has been with me for a few years. She’s a very nice woman, but can be a bit sensitive (if I give any feedback/ask for her to change something she does etc. she doesn’t take it well). I trust her- she has her own set of keys for my house, knows the alarm code etc. Good relationship overall- if I’m home when she’s here I’ll make us both coffee and we’ll chat.

She came on Monday for her usual cleaning appointment. I put my Christmas decorations up last weekend and she was very complimentary of them, asking where I got various bits etc. To be fair, I do go a bit OTT and love Christmas and this year’s decorations turned out especially well- I make a lot of stuff myself, and also have been collecting bits for years. We had coffee and then I needed to go out so we said our goodbyes, and I left her to it.

She lives about eight miles away from me, but we’re in the same area.

Today, I went onto Facebook and a post from a local group I’m in came up. It was a photo of someone showing off their Christmas decorations- I had to do a double take because it was my house! Pictures of my living room, hallway, landing, and sitting room, all decked out for Christmas. They were posted by my cleaner (under her own name- we’re not FB friends but both members of this group). The caption is along the lines of “not bad for a tired mum of three” and there are a few thousand likes and a several hundred comments (it’s a very big group). Lots asking where she got various items from and she’s replying, based on her asking me the same thing on Monday! In one comment she didn’t know where something was from and replied “I’ve had that for years, it was originally my Nan’s” 😮 (about a candle holder I got in Next c. 2019!!)

When I first saw it, I was a bit perplexed but didn’t dwell. Now that it’s sunk in, I’m a bit pissed off. My home isn’t instantly recognisable to strangers based on those photos, it does feel like a breach of privacy.

As I said, she can be quite sensitive so even saying this to her gently will likely result in her getting upset, and likely not coming to clean for me again. I can get another cleaner, but I don’t really want things to end this way as I’ve been happy with her until now.

In my shoes, would you be annoyed?

AIBU to be annoyed?

yes you sound really deep with your snarky response 😂

I still stand by my original assertion - many of these suggestions are absolutely ludicrous and not the type you’d hear irl in most cases. Some people just say anything online but yes I think there are some who are similar to the cleaner and this is why they’re saying “smile and take it as a compliment”

Honestly the ones excusing her and minimising these actions don’t look kind or empathetic. That may be their aim but it’s not working. They need to have more compassion for the Op if anything who is the wronged party in this.

"Compassion for what? The only person to blame for her actions is herself. If she didn't want to be fired then she didn't have to lie when trust is such an important part of her job.

She didn't do something as extreme as cooking OPs cat in a pie and feeding to her either but at the same time, simply saying that she posted a few pictures dismisses how unsettling and creepy it must've been for OP to come across the FB post, not to mention wondering if she's ever done anything like this before."

Ok @SouthLondonMum22 I will say it clearly, since you keep missing the point. The post you were replying to was a response to a different poster, not the OP, suggesting a particularly callous way of handling the situation. Neither that post nor mine was suggesting that OP wasn't being compassionate or that she was cruel.
Neither was I minimising or "dismissing" anything. The point I was making when I said that the cleaner hadn't done something extreme, was that had she done something like killing the cat, sometimes people will react on emotion, make rash or spiteful decisions or seek revenge..so in pointing out that it wasn't this sort of occasion I was saying that it's very possible for a grown woman to react in an appropriate way, that upholds OPs boundaries without the added cruelty. And that was in response to a specific posters suggestion, not the OP. Do you see now?

And yet again, nobody is saying that she isn't responsible for her own actions. That doesn't mean she should be deprived of compassion. Having compassion ≠ actions not having consequences. I hope most people have the capacity to have empathy for others, even ones they disagree with.

I would 100% be advertising for a new cleaner 😂

"yes you sound really deep with your snarky response 😂

I still stand by my original assertion - many of these suggestions are absolutely ludicrous and not the type you’d hear irl in most cases. Some people just say anything online but yes I think there are some who are similar to the cleaner and this is why they’re saying “smile and take it as a compliment”

Honestly the ones excusing her and minimising these actions don’t look kind or empathetic. That may be their aim but it’s not working. They need to have more compassion for the Op if anything who is the wronged party in this."

A lot of the suggestions on BOTH sides are ludicrous. It's an issue of trust for the OP and that's fine, she's within her rights to protect her boundaries, particularly in her own home. But a lot of the responses trying to whip OP up are just spiteful and unnecessary.
Yes, the suggestion to buy the cleaner a gift was also silly, but just having empathy or simply not finding it a big deal, isn't ludicrous at all. Perhaps you're just unable to accept that other people might feel differently about things.
To be clear, because lots on here will take the sentence about some people not finding it a big deal and twist it into a jibe at the OP, I'm not telling OP that she should disregard her personal boundaries.
But I'll also be clear that having empathy for the cleaner ≠ "excusing and minimising" her actions. Maybe you lack the capacity to show compassion to those who've done wrong and that's why you read empathetic comments in that way...but that's your interpretation. That's you. And those are your words. I know that I'm able to feel empathy whilst also acknowledging someone is wrong, so perhaps you could try to expand your outlook instead of imposing your narrow world view on other peoples opinions @Mropalsmusic

Where was the cleaners compassion and empathy? She clearly didn't give those things a second thought so why should OP do so?

I would've fired her instantly and no, I don't think that's callous. If you don't want to be fired just before Christmas, don't do something untrustworthy in a job that requires a lot of trust. It isn't hard.

Okay I won’t even go into all that but as briefly as I can - no it’s not about lack of empathy or a limited worldview! Just because someone thinks differently from YOU it also doesn’t mean their worldview is narrow, and it’s maybe you who needs to reflect and expand your mind?

My point is it is about compassion for the Op to realise saying to her “just buy her a gift or nice bonus or don’t mention it” etc are ludicrous and insensitive and unrealistic. They are not suggestions which really consider the OP’s safety.

There have been posters who have said yes she may be going through something, but equally you are right to end the contact and change the locks.

And that to me is more measured - but I was talking more about the ones specifically who have just steamed in and disregarded OPs understandable discomfort and focused on minimising the cleaners actions and even insulting the OP.

My goodness @SouthLondonMum22, I don't really know how else I can phrase it to help you understand. I wasn't saying that it's callous to fire someone who's overstepped your boundaries in your home. It isn't hard.
We are talking about a different poster's suggested handling of the situation. I am saying it was unnecessary and there is no need to handle it in a way like that. "Why should someone have compassion and empathy"? What a question to ask. Fucking hell. Why not? How about, without the shock of something terrible clouding your judgement, there's not really an excuse for treating people badly? and again I'm not saying OP is treating anyone badly. That is purely a response to your question.

I don't think the cleaner is automatically lacking compassion or empathy either. She overstepped, I doubt she did it through lack of empathy for OP..what??

Eh? @Mropalsmusic My point was that YOU are imposing your interpretation of other people's empathy on them. I was trying to figure out why you couldn't understand that their empathy could be genuine. I can accept that other people might react differently or have a different perspective, what I don't agree with is telling other people that their empathy is a facade.

Yes, I said that telling OP to buy a gift and give her a bonus was silly but a lot of the posts calling for more compassion are in response to the exaggerated and, a lot of the time, just spiteful suggestions.

I agree there have been lots of measured posts too, but even if a poster expressed that they wouldn't have fired the cleaner, that's a perfectly acceptable opinion to share and doesn't equate to minimising OPs feelings, it's just sharing a different perspective.
It's possible that reading posts from people who wouldn't be raging and fuming, might have helped OP too. Maybe her initial feelings of discomfort would soften, she'd have a conversation with the cleaner and trust could be rebuilt, or maybe not. Whatever. But it's not unreasonable to think have empathy for someone, even if they've wronged you.

Too many posters are quick to get whipped up and resort to spite for the sake of it, and that's why it's good to have other posters balancing it out.

The comment implied that because she was vulnerable she should get a free pass - and there’s no evidence that she’s actually vulnerable. Maybe the cleaner didn’t cook OP’s cat or whatever. But what she did was post photos of the inside of OP’s home online without her permission, in order to pass it off as her own. If OP hadn’t seen the posts she’d be none the wiser, and this brings up the question of trust, honesty and responsibility - what else is she up to that OP doesn’t know about ?

Well, she clearly wasn't thinking about how it would make OP feel if she saw those pictures or she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

I just don't think OP has to feel compassion or empathy for someone who now has her worrying about having to change the locks, other things she may have done that OP doesn't know about etc.

"The comment implied that because she was vulnerable she should get a free pass"
@Rosscameasdoody

No it didn't imply that.
It's not even my post, but it's clearly in response to one particular posters suggestion.

It's saying "don't be unnecessarily cruel" not "OP should give the cleaner free rein to do whatever she likes".

109% agree here. If she's making up a lie about that, what else is she doing?

"Well, she clearly wasn't thinking about how it would make OP feel if she saw those pictures or she wouldn't have done it in the first place.

I just don't think OP has to feel compassion or empathy for someone who now has her worrying about having to change the locks, other things she may have done that OP doesn't know about etc."

What she did was unthinking, inconsiderate, rude, whatever. It wasn't deliberately spiteful. OP came on her considering what her next step should be. Taking some of these suggestions would be a deliberate choice to disregard compassion. I don't know what else to tell you. Unbelievable that it needs spelling out for you ffs.

Nobody has to feel compassion or empathy. But this disagreement was triggered by someone advocating for a deliberate act of callousness. Yes, nobody can stop people from being deliberately and unnecessarily nasty, no one is going to force others to show empathy. But other people will have opinions on that.
And perhaps if people had been more reasoned and didn't whip themselves up into a frenzy, OP might not have been as worried as she is. Maybe she could've smoothed things over and rebuilt the trust. After all, she has had a good relationship up until now.

Of course it was deliberate, counting on OP not finding out doesn't make it any less so.

If OP chooses to confront her on social media, again, that would be a case of actions having consequences and she would only have herself to blame.

I'd certainly be worried but as I said, I would've fired her already by now because I wouldn't be able to trust her in my home again.

Bloody hell @SouthLondonMum22 😂 yes, I have no doubt that the cleaner deliberately posted the photos. I was countering your comment about the cleaners lack of empathy.

It's so easy to slip into tangents and add a load of extra information when you get into it with someone, and it's just descending into pointless bickering. So I'll just remind you of the quote that I was disagreeing with because I'm not interested in doing that. It wasn't an abstract idea I was trying to debate, it wasn't OPs decision, it was very specifically this:

"You can't do whatever you like just because you may be 'vulnerable'.

Actions have consequences."

The post wasn't saying that vulnerable people should be able to do what they want. It wasn't saying that actions shouldn't have consequences. That's it.

Personally, my compassion and empathy isn't conditional (bar something unthinkable), especially if I had a good relationship with them as OP said she did. So the question of "why should I show empathy?" felt like an odd thing to throw into the conversation. But it's really irrelevant to what I was trying to say and I don't really want to continue to widen this conversation on someone else's thread.

This!

Taking pictures inside a client’s house and posting them online is justification to end the contract immediately. Did the cleaner sign an NDA ?

The fakery about it being her house is secondary but worrying. The trust is gone now, tell her she’ll not be required again.

There’s not a nice way to sack someone. Not much point being overly nice about it, she’ll hate you either way.

I would be annoyed! And I know I'd be unable to just let it go
It's a breach of privacy and confidentiality. And I'd she's posted this on Facebook, what's she doing that you're unaware of?
I wouldn't want her back in my home again .

I've only ever had to do deal with a carer/cleaner through a care company as I mentioned in previous posts.

A relative hired a cleaner through a cleaning company. They were very pleased with her and very sympathetic to an immigrant making her way in a new country. (Some members of our family have an immigrant background.)

The relative couldn't find some of her clothes...Then she saw pics of the cleaner wearing them, on social media. A crazy thing for the cleaner to do, but...

The family also lost money and a piece of jewellery. It was reported to the police, but nothing was recovered.

i suppose I'm projecting my own family's experiences, but I'm thinking 'thin end of the wedge' with regard to the OP's cleaner.

Not sure what European country you are in, OP, but you need to change the locks to avoid her going into your home and "squatting" as it may then be impossible to get her out if she has been given a key by you.

If this is true this is really weird.
Plus she is not super bright - would she not have checked you were not in the group, if thought about the possibility of someone who knows you well recognising the stuff.

Also don't understand the "dilemma" - there can't be any other option than to confront her about it surely?

I’m trying to think that you’re having a bit of a laugh on the thread rather than being utterly insane - “Christmas kindness” and a bonus WTF?!

OP obviously needs to get rid of her.

Oh wow,This is so bad! I would send screenshot and ask her to delete immediately if she doesn't want to then that's it she is not coming back!

Servant??? It's 2025 amd as far as I know OP does not reside in Downton Abbey!

I can understand why you don’t want her back but I think I’d also feel a lot of empathy for her to be honest; how sad she’s showing off your life and not her own.