Feel a bit weird about what my cleaner did.

[DeadlyDead]

My cleaner has been with me for a few years. She’s a very nice woman, but can be a bit sensitive (if I give any feedback/ask for her to change something she does etc. she doesn’t take it well). I trust her- she has her own set of keys for my house, knows the alarm code etc. Good relationship overall- if I’m home when she’s here I’ll make us both coffee and we’ll chat.

She came on Monday for her usual cleaning appointment. I put my Christmas decorations up last weekend and she was very complimentary of them, asking where I got various bits etc. To be fair, I do go a bit OTT and love Christmas and this year’s decorations turned out especially well- I make a lot of stuff myself, and also have been collecting bits for years. We had coffee and then I needed to go out so we said our goodbyes, and I left her to it.

She lives about eight miles away from me, but we’re in the same area.

Today, I went onto Facebook and a post from a local group I’m in came up. It was a photo of someone showing off their Christmas decorations- I had to do a double take because it was my house! Pictures of my living room, hallway, landing, and sitting room, all decked out for Christmas. They were posted by my cleaner (under her own name- we’re not FB friends but both members of this group). The caption is along the lines of “not bad for a tired mum of three” and there are a few thousand likes and a several hundred comments (it’s a very big group). Lots asking where she got various items from and she’s replying, based on her asking me the same thing on Monday! In one comment she didn’t know where something was from and replied “I’ve had that for years, it was originally my Nan’s” 😮 (about a candle holder I got in Next c. 2019!!)

When I first saw it, I was a bit perplexed but didn’t dwell. Now that it’s sunk in, I’m a bit pissed off. My home isn’t instantly recognisable to strangers based on those photos, it does feel like a breach of privacy.

As I said, she can be quite sensitive so even saying this to her gently will likely result in her getting upset, and likely not coming to clean for me again. I can get another cleaner, but I don’t really want things to end this way as I’ve been happy with her until now.

In my shoes, would you be annoyed?

AIBU to be annoyed?

I think it is only fair on her that you tell her why.

Do you have someone in your life who is competent at basic DIY? or a good local handyman, changing a lock cylinder or a mortice lock is very easy, and you can get all the different types at B&Q or similar - I would just change the lock - problem with just changing the codes is she can still get in and set the alarms off.

Although if your gates are big that may keep her out.

I think you need to tell her why you are letting her go.

I think you are right to take time to think about what to do . In my experience the people who still post on FB are those who are struggling for some reason . This sounds like escapism by someone who has a pretty hard life . I don’t know what I’d do either to be honest

It might be helpful to tell her why so she doesn’t repeat her mistake.

I would be v uncomfortable with what she did. The trust would have gone.

No, not joking. The posts need removing to protect OP's privacy and information rights. The police report is to log the behaviour in case it is a precursor to stalking. Checking other sites promotes OP's right to know how their information has been misused. Changing locks etc is protection against retaliation or further abuse. The cleaner has committed gross misconduct in employment terms and should be sacked.

What will she post next from your home?

“This is me in my new outfit! Check out the shoes!!!”

If this is real which I suspect not. I would comment with a photo proving it was my house underneath. Then report the post as false information and sack her that's really not on.

Just comment on her post: 'Did you think I wouldn't see this?'

You'll never hear from her again.

I would also feel conflicted about this. On the one hand it is so dishonest, the pretence is worrying, and it suggests all sorts of deeper feelings - jealousy, rivalry, insecurity. On the other hand she is clearly unhappy with her own life, genuinely struggling and wanting some sort of ‘positive’ attention, even if based on a total lie, which is really sad.
The one thing I think is unreasonable is the cup- she washed her own cup and left it on the draining board, although in her place I would have dried it and put it back, it seems more considerate than plonking it in the dishwasher, so I do understand her feeling a bit hurt to be picked up on such a small thing.
The tiles however, it is reasonable for you to ask her to polish them to avoid marks, you are paying to get them how you want them, she obviously just finds them annoying. You sound a fair and thoughtful person.
I don’t think you could ever relax again about having her in your private space. Even if you had a heart to heart and she opened up about her feelings and reasons, there would always be an issue with the power dynamics between you. When someone is working in your home you need mutual respect and consideration. I’m guessing that she doesn’t feel respected in her life generally, hence the posts, but nor does she respect you, or she wouldn’t be posting the images. So I feel that you do have to let her go. It’s different from an office situation as our homes contain all our private information and personal lives.
I would definitely look back through her posts to see if this has happened before.

Re the keys, could you say you’ve lost yours and as you’re going away that you need her set urgently today?

It would not bother me in the slightest. Wbat is your concern assuming your address or identity can not be gleaned from the picture?

The cleaner could get an extra set of keys cut before returning hers to OP. It makes more sense for OP to change the locks, even though it will be more expensive.

We've had more than one thread about cleaners pushing (or even trampling) boundaries before. It really does seem like it's people who treat their cleaners (or other people doing jobs at their homes) like 'friends' who get shat on.

I've had to tell my partner more than once to stop making big pals with tradespeople we've employed to do jobs, because it's often ended badly (job not done well enough, job being left half-done for weeks, etc).

I recomment treating 'employees' more professionally.

Clearly I'm in a very small minority but I don't think I'd be overly upset by this. Unless the pictures showed Faberge eggs and bundles of cash lying about I think all the stuff re it being a security risk is well overdone. I would have a word to let her know she's been rumbled and tell her to not do it again but that's about it. It can't come as a staggering surprise that people who clean nice houses may be quite envious of the lives of their owners. It's a daft thing to do but that's about as excited as I can get about it.

So you've gone from this:

"As I said, she can be quite sensitive so even saying this to her gently will likely result in her getting upset, and likely not coming to clean for me again. I can get another cleaner, but I don’t really want things to end this way as I’ve been happy with her until now."

To this:

"I’ve texted her this morning to say that plans for next week have changed and I don’t need her Monday. I’ve also changed the alarm and gate codes, and will put the security system on on the off-chance she does decide to call on Monday. I can’t imagine she would at all, but at least I’m covered. I’ll get the keys back after Christmas and tell her I no longer need her. Still haven’t decided if I tell her why, or just let it go."

Why can't hardly anyone on MN actually speak to the person they have a problem with, like an adult?

I sometimes think I’m in a parallel universe on Mumsnet. OP’s cleaner is paid to carry out a service in her home, and that will include a level of trust and expectation of confidentiality from OP to the cleaner as a service provider.
While being paid to provide a service to OP the cleaner has taken time to snap photographs of OPs home and then post them on public social media pages for random strangers, and claimed the home is her own. Its not only a breach of OPs trust, the cleaner is also deceptive to others in claiming its her home.
In response lots of posters suggest OP should be giving the cleaner presents and a bonus for this behaviour??
substitute cleaner with plumber, roofer, dog walker etc and ask if you would have the same response? OP is not responsible for the cleaner’s emotional wellbeing and while it is of course possible she is struggling as a busy mum, this really isnt acceptable conduct. I would not want this lady in my house again

Even if the cleaner is envious, isn’t as well off etc, that doesn’t justify what she has done.

I feel quite strongly that whilst her behaviour would unnerve me in your shoes, OP - I would feel very uncomfortable - her intention is probably from a psychologically complex place, rather than from a great criminal mind!

She's a single mother to three, an immigrant, a child with special needs. Her life sounds really hard. Maybe it was a moment of fantasy for her, taking on the beauty of your life as if it was her own. Maybe she just needed that escapism. To feel envied, to feel part of something gorgeous and not connected to the drudgery of her life. Maybe for a moment she wanted to be someone else.

I'm not condoning it, but I think compassion is hugely underrated and there are lots of people struggling.

I think I’d want the keys back before you go away.
Before your update, I was going to say that I would comment on the post and say, ‘That looks so much like my house, how bizarre ……’
It’s a very odd thing to do and a total breach of trust.

None of that is an excuse

You don't have to sack her (yet) but you do have to put a stop to all this

I agree. I saw tradesmen treat my single mother immigrant mum very poorly growing up and she would never learn. Kept trying to be all matey with them. One even stole jewellery of sentimental value from my bedroom when I was away in Uni. I was fuming and still resent her/them for that.

As a result I keep a close eye on people doing services in my house and keep a professional distance. As I’m renting in a new build I haven’t needed to find plumbers etc but for jobs like hanging curtains and assembling furniture I’ve got one specific guy I’ve used for 2 years. We do chat now that I know him and he does do the job but I’m more reserved with the cleaners I have used over the years as some have taken the piss a bit or tried to.

There is this weird infantilising of cleaners on MN and it’s actually very patronising.
My college friend who later went on to be a cleaning professional earned very good money - enough to buy her first apartment after running her very popular business for a few years. She was also from a well to do middle class family. People on here act like we should all feel sorry for them or something and it’s weird and annoying.

Agree with this. They're not your friends. Keep some distance.

My DH did this with a builder, lent him money etc. never got it back. The builder got banned from driving for drink driving and was still driving around town. He had loads of problems but he was not one of ours.

Exactly there have been a few posters in particular who have filled this thread with posts saying the most absurd things to minimise this and excuse her. They are either like this themselves or they think they look good by saying they would let it go.

I think you can both empathise with the cleaner AND recognise that it’s completely inappropriate behaviour.