Feel a bit weird about what my cleaner did.

[DeadlyDead]

My cleaner has been with me for a few years. She’s a very nice woman, but can be a bit sensitive (if I give any feedback/ask for her to change something she does etc. she doesn’t take it well). I trust her- she has her own set of keys for my house, knows the alarm code etc. Good relationship overall- if I’m home when she’s here I’ll make us both coffee and we’ll chat.

She came on Monday for her usual cleaning appointment. I put my Christmas decorations up last weekend and she was very complimentary of them, asking where I got various bits etc. To be fair, I do go a bit OTT and love Christmas and this year’s decorations turned out especially well- I make a lot of stuff myself, and also have been collecting bits for years. We had coffee and then I needed to go out so we said our goodbyes, and I left her to it.

She lives about eight miles away from me, but we’re in the same area.

Today, I went onto Facebook and a post from a local group I’m in came up. It was a photo of someone showing off their Christmas decorations- I had to do a double take because it was my house! Pictures of my living room, hallway, landing, and sitting room, all decked out for Christmas. They were posted by my cleaner (under her own name- we’re not FB friends but both members of this group). The caption is along the lines of “not bad for a tired mum of three” and there are a few thousand likes and a several hundred comments (it’s a very big group). Lots asking where she got various items from and she’s replying, based on her asking me the same thing on Monday! In one comment she didn’t know where something was from and replied “I’ve had that for years, it was originally my Nan’s” 😮 (about a candle holder I got in Next c. 2019!!)

When I first saw it, I was a bit perplexed but didn’t dwell. Now that it’s sunk in, I’m a bit pissed off. My home isn’t instantly recognisable to strangers based on those photos, it does feel like a breach of privacy.

As I said, she can be quite sensitive so even saying this to her gently will likely result in her getting upset, and likely not coming to clean for me again. I can get another cleaner, but I don’t really want things to end this way as I’ve been happy with her until now.

In my shoes, would you be annoyed?

AIBU to be annoyed?

That’s laughable. I really don’t see your
posts have been supporting OP. You have showed little empathy for her and you’ve made at least one or two snarky comments about ner as well. As well as sniping at the many commenters who have actually tried to consider Op and show consideration for her how she feels.

You may think you’re being kind by adopting this permissive stance to all
the cleaners wrongs and asking OP to be even nicer to her, despite how poorly she has been treated by the cleaner but you’re not.

This would be a huge violation of trust for me. Taking pictures of your home and sharing them on social media is an awful thing to do.

I wouldn't humiliate her with passive aggressive comments online. I would simply send her a note to ask she take the pictures down. Then I would let her know that I was terminating the cleaning job and why.

I am a bit flabbergasted that so many people think this is ok.

Well said.

Also just to say I think your proposed resolution of this is sound, she obviously can’t continue being your cleaner - but the only thing I’d add is to ask Facebook to remove it. Or better still ask the cleaner to request that they remove the post immediately before/after telling her that her services will not longer be required.

And once you’ve done that you don’t even need to spell out why you’re sacking her (although you can if you want) because it should become obvious that you’re deeply uncomfortable with her misleading / deceptive Facebook post.

Although I would probably spell it out and say exactly why - but that’s just personal preference.

For her own good she needs I know her behaviour is unacceptable or she will continue to do it. The next person might not be as kind as op and just sack her.. Especially if she ups her game.

I agree about consequences, but I suppose I was looking at it the other way: don't wind up a person who clearly has slightly desperate feelings and a lack of good judgment or it might be said it's your fault for doing something that asked for un-needed trouble. Who knows where her intense personality might lead her if provoked.

I'd just deal with her straight because shaming her publicly isn't really achieving anything tangible other than making her feel worse. That sort of revenge can feel cathartic for ten minutes, but doesn't actually achieve anything beyond that.

“you don’t need a cleaner”

This thread isn’t about that.

Some people choose to have a cleaner others don’t, some can afford it some can’t. What you choose to do in your home is completely irrelevant.

People have different circumstances and situations. Some have larger or harder to clean homes, others have less time because they work longer hours, some people have mobility problems and others may just feel they are not able to clean as well for various reasons (effort, energy, motivation, mental health etc)

But irrespective of the reason, it really isn’t relevant to this thread as OP isn’t asking if she is BU to have a cleaner or not.

What’s your address? Come on, show some ‘Christmas kindness’ and let me come round and take photos of your home and pass it off as my own on the internet for likes! I’d like a big bonus for invading your privacy too please!

I have no problem speaking to her. I do have a problem letting her know I plan to not use her again when she currently has a copy of my keys. To save myself the hassle and expense of calling a locksmith at the weekend, I want to get my keys back before I tell her I’m not using her anymore.

Surely you can see why I think that’s prudent?

I’m amazed that you wouldn’t tell her why. As for her being an immigrant (from the UK) with a disability (that doesn’t stop her doing the physical hard work of cleaning), that’s irrelevant. You do realise that getting your keys back, won’t mean she doesn’t have a key don’t you? You will never know whether, or not, she had another one cut.

OP I think you should at least tell her why you’re doing this. She has to realise and understand why it isn’t acceptable. You are perfectly within your rights to terminate her contract whenever you wish, but I really do think honesty is the best policy. You are in the right here so don’t be worried about seeming unreasonable!

You'll need to change your locks even if you get the keys back

I tend to think people on MN who are quick in advising others to act like doormats to those who have wronged them and to just “be kind”wouldn’t actually follow their own advice.
And would in fact act very assertively and decisively in situations like this.

Especially given the way they are speaking to posters who don’t share their opinion - they’re not these mild mannered shrinking violets.

So I take a lot of the “so what it’s not a big deal, let it go, it’s not that serious etc ” with a pinch of salt on here.

It seems to be performative kindness, but the irony is they’re actually being very unkind in minimising the harm done and lacking in empathy for the person who is the victim of these actions.

That part is prudent. This is... to me, odd.

Still haven’t decided if I tell her why, or just let it go."

OP, just let it go. Imagine the frame of mind she must be in to need to post fake pictures. It's pitiful really. Nothing to be gained from rubbing her face in it. What difference does it make to you? No need for drama. Just tell her in January that you are very sorry, but you're letting her go as you can no longer afford a cleaner. Get your keys back then. The end.

OP please change your locks, she may get a set cut with plans to use your home over Christmas for all you know. You’ll always be wondering if she’ll pop up again once she’s stopped cleaning for you, sneaking in to help herself to food etc or giving the keys to burglars for revenge. May sound far fetched but I wouldn’t want the risk.

Wtf are you on about? Compassion doesn't mean accepting someone violating your privacy.

I think you're doing the right thing. While her circumstances sounds sad and difficult that is a massive violation of your privacy and trust and, frankly, really weird. I probably would tell her why, with screenshots, in the hope that she would learn from it but I can see why you might decide it's not your responsibility to do so.

She doesn’t have a disability.

I know I’ll have the change the locks, I’d just prefer to not have to do it today.

If I tell her today that I don’t need her anymore (and why) there’s a very slight chance she might use my keys while I’m away. This way, she doesn’t know, just thinks she’s not needed on Monday as my plans have changed, and would have no reason to come here.

OP your response seems very reasonable to me. I think waiting makes sense.

I would tell her why. I'd be polite and just state the reason. No need to avoid the issue. Her fault. Her consequences.

As a tradesman I would not describe myself as an employee of anyone - I am self employed, running a business, providing a service.
It is vitally important to me that my clients are happy with the service I provide, and I have become friends with many clients down the years - that doesn't change the fact that they matter as much as any other customer, but I live in a small rural community, so I only have to piss one farmer off to loose a lot of trade.
But I'm not their employee, I have the right to work in the way I want, and to politely decline work if I don't like the job.

That sounds reasonable OP

I would approach this with empathy and understanding, asking her if she’s ok as you’d noticed her post, which you’d like her to remove. I’d put the focus on her welfare because this is definitely strange behaviour.

Comment ‘yes my Christmas decorations are amazing, glad you think so”

I would feel more than a bit weird.

This is cheeky fuckery on another level. I think your current plan is a good one, but I would definitely let her know you know what she's done