Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

How's it going today @OneCheeryGoldMoose ?

You've not been back since yesterday afternoon.

I think it's very simple, having had teens including a son.

You just tell him he can't go, it's too dangerous, the girl has mentioned a gun, so you've taken away his passport as he won't see sense.

He might throw a tantrum and there be a big fall out for a few weeks but at least he won't be able to go to the States.

Basically you're the parents and need to take control.

Meanwhile, he needs to learn to spot red flags and abusive behaviour online. Some kind of of learning to enable him to spot risky online behaviour is needed and I'm sure that's out there.

Today's R4 Women's Hour first piece very relevant, insightful and definitely worth a listen on the BBC sounds app @OneCheeryGoldMoose

What does he see in her, though?

I feel for you OP. I have a DS of similar age and I’d definitely not want him to go.

I hope you can change his mind and make him see sense.

He's getting attention from a girl.

Ask your daughters to bring their friends around a lot and any class-mates / students they know. The best way to deal with this is to find a local girl he likes.

@OneCheeryGoldMoose I feel for you. It's such a hard time when the child you've been used to fixing things for all their life is starting to find their feet as an adult and no longer your legal responsibility. Obviously that doesn't mean you stop worrying for them, far from it and in your shoes, I would be very concerned.

I have quite a thing about teens who spend so much 'social time' alone in their bedrooms, gaming, or chatting with online friends only. I think it makes them extra vulnerable and less worldly and it seems your son is definitely in this category and yes, I would class him as having being groomed. Whether with malice aforethought, or simply an equally immature girl who is just what she says she is, is very hard to know. Regardless, I certainly wouldn't want him being spoken to as she speaks to him, or be happy for him to travel to see her.

What to do for the best is the $100m question.

I hear all the calls for you to hide or destroy his passport. Two problems with that, the first being that it's replaceable, so you only defer the inevitable and secondly, it plays into her hands and affirms her accusations of you being controlling.

I would sit with him and your 15yo daughter and say you need to have a facts of life chat with them, not specifically about sex, but about adult things like self respect, self worth and how to judge relationships. I always taught mine that they shouldn't judge the success of a relationship on the good times, on the partner's good and decent qualities, or how happy they are when everything's rosy, they judge on the hard times, the arguments and the negative qualities. How comfortable are they in those situations, do they really think they should put up with them and do they want any potential future children to either witness, or inherit similar qualities? The potential future children is a part of the conversation too and the whole scenario of legal consent in different jurisdictions. I'd mention the gun at that point too.

You then ask if he's really content or just going on when things are nice as pie? and if that's the case, why wouldn't he stand for his sister being treated the same?

I'd also be pointing out that despite his girlfriend wanting to be a kept woman, staying at home, he's unlikely to be granted a work permit, or if he was, his qualifications and experience could well amount to nothing in a different country. He would be without a support network in a country with different values and potentially a massive financial strain if he wasn't able to provide to her satisfaction.

Incidentally, has he spoken to her about the government over there? Does he know how her family lean?

But the attention is horrible. Surely he can’t feel good when she’s going off on one; telling him he can’t see friends. There are plenty of gamer girls in the UK. I don’t understand why you would limit yourself to someone from the USA who puts such stringent standards on a
young man.

Neither do I but I'm not an 18 yr old boy.

If he's shy or scared of RL women she's a 'safe' outlet. At least online.

What I suspect is going on here is this the messaging for teens is weirdly bi-modal.

On one hand you have the “sexual freedom” “promiscuity is great” “hook-up culture is what you want to be in until you are in your 30s.” All the way from the mainstream media narrative to the extremes of content. For young men creators who appeal to 12 year old boys being “edgy” talking about abusing women. For young women you have creators saying their choices are somehow the right ones for all women.

On the other you have the weird “trad” content. There seems to be much more which is targeted at young women (or perhaps it is the quality if it is better) but has a little for young men. The young women have the fantasy of Ballerina Farms, young men have some US conservative Christians.

I think the issue here is that OPs DS isn’t interested in the first type of pro-sexual freedom ideas as he wants a long term relationship, pro hook-up content has UK personalities who make it seem relatable. The second type of content seems dominated by US material. So he may be seeing the UK as highly skewed towards hook-up culture and the US being the place where there are some people into long term relationships.

If he is struggling to see that there are loads of young women in the UK who don’t want to be involved in hook up culture and just want normal relationships he needs a reference point to make that clear.

I have heard that the members of Louise Perry’s Substack (not directly involving her) have set up events that are people who are looking to “date with intent” and establish long term relationships. I hear of church communities where the young women complain of lack of young men who looking to “date with intent.”

Perhaps the issue here is visibility of what options exist in the UK? Once he is out of the grips of the abuse he needs to address what made him vulnerable, but then he needs to reset his beliefs about what most young women are looking for (hook-up apps are not going to show this).

He's got rl friends, thats good thing. Do you know them well enough to talk to?(eg, I would my sons' mates as they all went to school together and live local) Can you suggest they stage a subtle intervention, showing what positive healthy relationships look like? Or have a sit down and, in their own words, say Mate, she's a nutter.
Lightheartedly-good thing that may come of Trumps proposal to look at sm posts of visitors for him is they could see that they are "in a relationship" and he may be be denied entry as he'd be an overstayer risk. In fact ten years ago when my son was going to visit his then gf, they were worried then that he wouldn't be allowed in as they had talked about marriage.

Just wondering if you've had any progress on this, OP?

You can’t just steal the passport of an adult and have any moral leg to stand on.

I get that but it could go missing for a while and turn up later. What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

However we need an update to know the current state of the races, could all be over now.

Yes you can

But OP says he gets RL attention from girls.

OP has updated on this thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5462169-sons-gf-aghhhhhhh-part-2-christmas-miracle