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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
whistlesandbells · 16/12/2025 17:47

The route to “settling down” is not found through someone long distance online that you have never met. It’s highly unlikely. He’s looking in the wrong place.

Power26 · 16/12/2025 17:47

Sorry OP but I don’t think this is your battle to fight. You take his passport and then what - his GF will be in his ear and use it as evidence, “see, look how controlling she is”.

i actually think his dad needs to be the one to lead this and give your son the steer. Some parents are better placed to deal with certain aspects of parenting and I think you can shout until you’re blue in the face and you’ll still end up in the same cycle. Whereas I think your husband may make more progress given everything that’s happened so far.

Trueloveneverdies · 16/12/2025 17:47

OP there was a thread started by a Mother who was at her wits end with her Son’s controlling girlfriend and her Mother. It was heartbreaking to hear her updates and descriptions of her son becoming a shell of himself as the girlfriend isolated him. Please don’t let your son travel to the USA. If they are both desperate to meet in real life they should plan a holiday together somewhere in between. I bet she’d be less keen and your son may see her for what she is. Best of luck.

ChessorBuckaroo · 16/12/2025 17:49

CantBreathe90 · 16/12/2025 15:37

Of course she's in the states!

I wouldn't worry overly OP. We all kiss a few frogs. He'll eventually break up with her and be a bit more guarded from here on. I can't see that her brother is actually going to shoot him 🙄It's just stupid, immature pisturing. Still really difficult to watch your son in the situation though I'm sure x

Would not be downplaying (or eyerolling) that. Our norms are not their norms.

To give a bit of background just how batshit that place is as it is pertinent to understanding the potential danger OP's is in if he doesn't come to his senses.

Circa 30,000 die via firearms in america every year, over 80 per day (UK its around 50 per year, thus "there are more deaths via firearm in a day in america than the UK in a year").

Drug deaths, especially opioids (fentanyl being the worst), there are over 72,000 opioid deaths in america every year, 200 every day, last figure in the UK it was 60 in a year (so three times more per day that the UK in a year). Again an enormous difference.

They have slave owners (jefferson, washington etc.) on currency. Imagine holding a banknote with the face of jefferson, a racist ("blacks are inferior to whites in the endowments of body and mind"), rapist (raped at least one of his 600 slaves), pedo (his slave being 15 when he did) in your hand? Yet they do, and they have no qualms with it. This tyrant dehumanized the Native PEOPLE as "savages" in that white, imperialist document the "declaration of independence' (that as a result comes with a warning, as does the racist constitution).

No other civilised country in the world would have elected Trump, a racist, narcissistic, sociopathic con man, yet tens of millions of an exceptionally idiotic population, the gun toting, bible jumping folk (that whole area in between the two coasts, where homosexuality being illegal (sodomy laws) is still on the books (see image below with the states in yellow), where slavery (the ownership of human beings, Africans who were dragged over to work the now emptied land with the Native people massacred and the remainder ethnically cleansed and forced into reservations) would still be in place but for a war to stop them.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodomy_laws_in_the_United_States

There are sane people there, but it's a very split population where nutters number close to 100 million (a figure which also correlates with 45% of adults being young Earth creationists, ie. the Earth is 6000 years old and man walked with dinosaurs). The political figure Mike Johnson, he is one such young Earth creationist. Link on him below:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mike_Johnson#Evolution

"Johnson rejects the scientific consensus on evolution in favor of creationism. He helped the Creation Museum secure millions of dollars in tax subsidies to build a life-sized Ark Encounter, which teaches the discredited claim that dinosaurs accompanied Noah on his Ark and that the earth is 6,000 years old. In 2016, Johnson delivered a sermon that called the teaching of evolution one of the causes of mass shootings: "People say, 'How can a young person go into their schoolhouse and open fire on their classmates?' Because we've taught a whole generation—a couple generations now—of Americans: that there's no right or wrong, that it's about survival of the fittest, and you evolve from the primordial slime. Why is that life of any sacred value? Because there's nobody sacred to whom it's owed."

That nutcase is the speaker of the House of Representatives.

It's basically red or black on a roulette wheel whether you will meet someone with sanity there or someone lacking in it.

So I'd be worried for OP's son as this girl appears to be among that circa 100 million. The culture she is surrounded by she is capable of anything.

Sodomy laws in the United States - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sodomy_laws_in_the_United_States

Sundazie · 16/12/2025 17:49

I would tell him no. I know he’s an adult but it’s not safe. Get him to look at coercive relationships and give these a call mankind.org.uk/contact-us/

ThisTaupeZebra · 16/12/2025 17:50

Nothing to add to what has already been said, but I do think that young people today and the apps, have made it more 'normal' to have a girlfriend/boyfriend they haven't met in person yet. Bonkers as it may sound to people who met their partners 10+ years ago...

I know, as in actually know, one person who was in a relationship with somebody she had never met for at least 6 months, and simply couldn't see how weird it was to invite him on holiday with her family and be both surprised, but unquestioning, when he failed to turn up for that. (He had repeatedly failed to turn up for other family events she had told everybody he was invited to, which led to an intervention, and then he disappeared).

We suspect this person was actually a jilted ex who was playing her, but we will actually never know despite it eventually being escalated to the police. When all this is sorted out you all need to listen to the Sweet Bobby podcast.

She could be a weird woman, a deranged woman, a catfisher, a blackmailer, a scammer or a very bored teenager, you might never know. But you really do need to hammer home the idea that if you haven't met them in person you don't really know who they are.

Beachtastic · 16/12/2025 17:55

RaininSummer · 16/12/2025 11:09

She is a lunatic. Maybe show him this thread too. Many years ago I had a friend who was chased out of the Phillipines by a girl's brother's with machetes.

Bizarrely, I know someone who had the same experience in Thailand!

Mothers, lock up your sons!!!!!!

Genevieva · 16/12/2025 17:56

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:17

He keeps saying all the girls on there are just looking for hookups and he wants a proper relationship. He's very much old school like his dad, he wants to find someone and settle down and have kids. We have gone blue in the face telling him there are 100 PERCENT girls like that. He goes to the gym and is conventionally good looking and 6ft and gets lots of attention so we really don't understand.

Edited

In which case he needs to go really old school and stop online dating. He needs to meet a young women locally by going to things, instead of sitting at home on a computer.

Festivespirit85 · 16/12/2025 17:58

Trueloveneverdies · 16/12/2025 17:47

OP there was a thread started by a Mother who was at her wits end with her Son’s controlling girlfriend and her Mother. It was heartbreaking to hear her updates and descriptions of her son becoming a shell of himself as the girlfriend isolated him. Please don’t let your son travel to the USA. If they are both desperate to meet in real life they should plan a holiday together somewhere in between. I bet she’d be less keen and your son may see her for what she is. Best of luck.

I remember that thread, it was quite frightening how far they were going.

Festivespirit85 · 16/12/2025 18:00

Don't let your son go over or her. Alarm bells are ringing at what you have posted. She'll find away to end up trapping him there. He needs to tell her it's over and block her on everything.

whimbrelcalling · 16/12/2025 18:00

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:36

I genuinely also got to this point of thinking.

This. My caution for cannabis thirty years ago made my US visa application lengthy, (denied initially) expensive, and difficult.

WonderingWanda · 16/12/2025 18:03

Does he have social media? Post some negative things about Trump and they won't let him in.

CanINapNow · 16/12/2025 18:06

If he insists on going, you or your husband need to go with him.

Vaguelyclassical · 16/12/2025 18:07

Mrsknowitall · 16/12/2025 13:58

We have Claire’s law in this country, is there anything over there where you can check up the background of her or her family? I’d look into it if I was you. Please stop him from going especially after the brother and gun come t she sounds unhinged.

One can easily, just as a private individual, run a criminal background check for a US person using a US based firm if you have a name, address, telephone number.

Tadpolesinponds · 16/12/2025 18:08

@ChessorBuckaroo You say that no other civilised country in the world would have elected Trump. On what basis? Nigel Farage is on course to win the next UK election, and he's a big Trump supporter. And there are plenty of similar types in charge of various countries around the world.

Lamentingalways · 16/12/2025 18:13

This is next level crazy. Most lads this age would run a mile! Has he had any other GF’s? Maybe he thinks no one else will fancy him and it’s very important to them at that age. I know it sounds awful but could you do some match making? My son at that age was madly in love with someone a bit crackers but as soon as someone else showed interest he was off! (A relief but not an attractive trait which I did point out) I think I would hide the passport but you could actually get in trouble for that because he’s 18, it sounds like you have a good relationship, I’m surprised he isn’t listening to you tbh.

Pedallleur · 16/12/2025 18:14

Is he Simon from The Inbetweeners?

NortyElf · 16/12/2025 18:18

Homegrownberries · 16/12/2025 13:18

"My son has an overseas GF "

He doesn't. He's being catfished.

It might even be a bloke dressed up - or an AI of a girl.

Lamentingalways · 16/12/2025 18:18

I also think he might find the idea of travelling to / living in the states quite exciting - I used to! Can you show him how bad it is in some places? Their laws are quite archaic and obviously there’s the guns. Has he Google map’d her area of residence? It could be really rough and not very exciting - might put him off?

Coffeesoon · 16/12/2025 18:23

You can't let him go, I know he is 18 but hes a kid really with little life experience.
I presume you have sat him down and showed him similar cases where people have been scammed or abused?
He needs to see it for himself but you will have to hide his passport for now.
Can she come to you instead?
Obviously you dont want her to but at least you could see her for yourself.
I mean what if he gets there and its a man, or shes part of some sort of gang that scam people? I really think he could be in danger and whatever it takes i wouldn't let my son board that plane

Treatssweets · 16/12/2025 18:32

This seems like a ridiculous scenario and I'd be telling him that! Never even met? She's abusing him and being disrespectful about his family? He's intending on travelling to another country to meet her for the first time?
He needs to get a grip.
Is he enjoying the attention and drama?
Id certainly not to saying she could come over and you'd pick her up from airport etc. why on earth would you facilitate this nonsense.
Tell him to block her, grow up and not mention the whole fiasco ever again.

NortyElf · 16/12/2025 18:33

Truthfinder.com mentioned up thread is really good

TruthFinder website

Bonsatater · 16/12/2025 18:33

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 11:01

Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.

Hide the passport definitely

141mum · 16/12/2025 18:47

What country is she from
hide the passport

Treatssweets · 16/12/2025 18:49

Daisywhatsyouranswer · 16/12/2025 16:47

Your focus is all on her, but in reality your focus should be on him. He is exhibiting very concerning behaviour, from accepting the abuse, to crying, to still wanting to go. They are both very immature obviously, but all the shit she’s saying, is really of minor concern v what your son is doing.

is this the first time, he’s exhibited poor decision making, emotional instability, and poor personal boundaries?

Yes this.
He is either totally arrogant and thinks he knows more about this sort of situation than everyone else (the comment about ending his sister's relationship on her behalf and about women here in general only looking for hookups makes me think this). Also that he isn't listening or taking anyone's advice (but wants to talk about it / enjoying the attention and drama and everyone being wound up)
Or
He's incredibly immature and vulnerable.
Im leaning towards the first one.