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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

417 replies

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 10:58

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 16/12/2025 20:45

I join the hide the passport camp on this one.

Lettucealone · 16/12/2025 20:46

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 16/12/2025 11:00

I’d hide his passport. Then deal with the fallout afterwards, better angry and disappointed than dead

Agree completely.

Thebeehiveflys · 16/12/2025 20:57

https://rainbowpractice.nhs.uk/wellbeing/abuse/

This sounds very concerning for you OP, I’ve just read your opening post to the thread.
I’ve added a link for you to check out with some support agencies specifically helping male victims of DA. Maybe you could see if they do any advice for him to be able to recognise the signs of control. I’m thinking that if he won’t listen to his family perhaps he’d be able to recognise and realise some of the warning signs in a relationship if it were there for him to see from the support agencies.

Abuse – Rainbow Practice

https://rainbowpractice.nhs.uk/wellbeing/abuse

Tuesdayschild50 · 16/12/2025 20:59

This is worrying I'd feel exactly the same.
I don't know what advice to give I have 2 sons I'd be concerned.
You can't do anything other than what you are already doing keep close to him it's really good he confides in you.
Hopefully something will with click with him and he will forget all about her x

bigsisteriswatchingyou · 16/12/2025 21:05

in this day and age you can do some behind the scenes research on her discreetly, find out her DOB, what area she grew up in, what schools she attended ... gonna take some time but be worth it

RainbowBagels · 16/12/2025 21:21

Tuesdayschild50 · 16/12/2025 20:59

This is worrying I'd feel exactly the same.
I don't know what advice to give I have 2 sons I'd be concerned.
You can't do anything other than what you are already doing keep close to him it's really good he confides in you.
Hopefully something will with click with him and he will forget all about her x

I have teenage 2 sons too. Im thinking of keeping their passports in a safe! 😁

FamingolosForDays · 16/12/2025 21:55

Hide the passport. Christ I'd be forgetting to pay the WIFI bill at this rate....

Glindaa · 16/12/2025 22:03

Im sure murderous psychopaths can seem amazing and nice at times ! Take his passport .

Pistachiocake · 16/12/2025 22:09

sittingonabeach · 16/12/2025 10:59

Would he listen to his sisters?

Or ask him what his advice would be if a boyfriend of one of his sisters was giving these demands etc

Edited

Yes, some people seem to act as if only men emotionally abuse their partners, by trying to isolate them or gaslight them. Not true at all, just as it's not true that all men want to play the field and all women want to marry.

PinkPanther57 · 16/12/2025 22:15

Does he facetime/zoom etc? Has he only seen photos? How old is she?

Newsenmum · 16/12/2025 22:20

Im sorry but I really dont think you can hide his passport. That would push him to her and prove her right! You need to sit down and talk to him very seriously.
how did he actually’meet’ her? Does he have quite low self esteem?

loobylou815 · 16/12/2025 22:23

This is coercive control and it’s illegal. It’s difficult since the abuse is coming from someone in a different country, but I’d still be tempted to call 101 and log your concerns (especially given that she’s making reference to her brother having a gun). Her behaviour is appalling, and no one should have to tolerate it. In these situations the person being controlled often has trauma bonding, which would explain why your son is struggling to apply his own logic to the situation. I really feel for you OP, you must be scared senseless.

HectorPlasm · 16/12/2025 22:59

Hide the passport? BURN it.

My son was in a similar situation - she was loopy but the one you describe is insane!

Your DH sounds like he is on the case!

samarrange · 16/12/2025 23:08

Hiding his passport will work as a last resort, but perhaps one thing to try before getting into that level of confrontation (which he will very much hold against you, for "ruining his life") is to point out to DS that if he turns up on his own aged 18 there is a pretty good chance that the US simply won't let him in.

The immigration officer will absolutely ask a young solo male traveller what he is there for. If he says he's coming to meet up with a girl who he met online then there will be a lot of questions about who he's staying with, who is paying for everything, etc, which he is unlikely to be able to answer convincingly. He will as a minimum need a letter of invitation with a phone number where someone who is clearly a mature adult picks up and confirms that they are indeed delighted to host DS in their home while he gets to know their daughter better. And if he tries to claim any other purpose for his visit they will pick that up immediately - lying to the immigration officer is an immediate refusal anywhere in the world.

They also probably won't just put him on the next plane back - he can look forward to a week or two sleeping on a very thin mattress in an ICE detention centre.

Mummyratbag · 16/12/2025 23:15

Can you get his friends to organise a party/get together where there are other girls and get them to take photos of him sat with girls? Friends share lots of photos on social media tagging him and she will see them? This may be enough for another period of being given the cold shoulder.

Shred his passport and turn off the WIFI.

Take him on holiday.

Show him this thread.

Edited to say obviously holiday will need to be in this country with shredded passport!

shuggles · 16/12/2025 23:21

@OneCheeryGoldMoose Is this an extremely attractive and charming Chinese woman who wants your son to invest in her cryptocurrency scheme?

Fuckitydoodah · 16/12/2025 23:23

Definitely hide his passport. I have a feeling he'll ruin his life if he goes to meet her in person. Look at how much she's been able to manipulate him without ever meeting.

Becausemymumtoldmeso · 16/12/2025 23:24

There was a post on her a few years back- the mums son was in a similar sort of situation/relationship and it was awful! Social services, police, the schools etc all got involved but to no avail! The mum and family got pushed out and the son went off to live with the crazy gf and it went on for years tbe abuse- I cannot remember what happened in the end but it was so sad- similar to your situation. Realistically speaking all you can do is advise, but speaking as a mum- I’d be tempted to destroy the passport, and keep your son hostage until this is over! No way is some mentally challenged girl going to ruin my son’s chance at life at the first hurdle! The fact that her mum isn’t worried or stopping her shows that this is normal behaviour for them al!

Thunderpants88 · 16/12/2025 23:30

If he goes believe me, the GF will likely destroy his passport so he can’t return home

DO NOT LET HIM GO

Blimeylookatthetime · 16/12/2025 23:34

OneCheeryGoldMoose · 16/12/2025 12:31

She's also posted three times on this same thread to try and illicit a response, so I am choosing to ignore.

Show quote history

I think that’s the best way. Surely she can see that the general vibe on here is that she’s the unreasonable one and is most definitely unhinged and dangerous?
Lock away the passport. Distracted your son and get him some therapy and block her. Is there anywhere she can be reported in the US? I’d be contacting her parents/step dad’s company. She’s dangerous.

wish you all the best OP 💐

Tadpolesinponds · 16/12/2025 23:37

1 more time: A lost or destroyed passport can be replaced. The son won't be stuck in the UK for a long period just because his mum hides or destroys his passport. That would only work as a short term measure (and it could turn the son against his family). Similarly, he won't be stranded in the US for life if his girlfriend destroys his passport. He can travel on a letter from a British embassy or consulate. People lose their passports all the time.

MrsOverthinker25 · 16/12/2025 23:43

Do you have any nieces/cousins etc who can do some background work on her? Unless she is really clever, I Imagine her social media will reveal a lot. I have a gut feeling there’s an ulterior motive with her. It just screams bad news.

Blimeylookatthetime · 16/12/2025 23:52

I’m hoping that given she’s posted on here three times already, she’s likely got the gist that there’s zero support for her.

Wonder if she will ease off a bit now OP or ramp things up? Keep an eye on your DS after this thread. I wouldn’t put it passed her to ramp up….she needs him, she’s missing him, she can’t wait to meet him, etc.

Glitchymn1 · 17/12/2025 00:02

Hiding the passport is ridiculous, he’s 18. Passports can be replaced very quickly. You could actually push him into her arms.

He’s already in an abusive online relationship by the sounds of it, he needs help recognising that.

GellerYeller · 17/12/2025 00:10

samarrange · 16/12/2025 23:08

Hiding his passport will work as a last resort, but perhaps one thing to try before getting into that level of confrontation (which he will very much hold against you, for "ruining his life") is to point out to DS that if he turns up on his own aged 18 there is a pretty good chance that the US simply won't let him in.

The immigration officer will absolutely ask a young solo male traveller what he is there for. If he says he's coming to meet up with a girl who he met online then there will be a lot of questions about who he's staying with, who is paying for everything, etc, which he is unlikely to be able to answer convincingly. He will as a minimum need a letter of invitation with a phone number where someone who is clearly a mature adult picks up and confirms that they are indeed delighted to host DS in their home while he gets to know their daughter better. And if he tries to claim any other purpose for his visit they will pick that up immediately - lying to the immigration officer is an immediate refusal anywhere in the world.

They also probably won't just put him on the next plane back - he can look forward to a week or two sleeping on a very thin mattress in an ICE detention centre.

Edited

Maybe worth warning him that if he is selected for additional questioning, they will be entitled to search his bags and him, and go through his phone to check that what’s in there matches the details he’s given about the relationship. They may also want to interview the girlfriend to corroborate his story.
If they’ve discussed anything you wouldn’t like to know, this could make him think twice.
If there is anything they don’t like on his social media, say he’s liked or commented on a post that isn’t kind to the current government, or has connections that smoke weed, that could preclude his entry.
They will need to be certain he doesn’t intend to extend his stay beyond the date on his return ticket.
Even if admitted after investigations, there will be a record of him being questioned, which could hamper future visits or visas.
She can expect the same treatment if she comes to the UK. Any hint of this being an established relationship, with risk of them overstaying their visa conditions, and they could be denied entry.