Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

Probably a man in his 50s catfishing him.

I would go to great lengths to point out how dangerous and controlling this situation is. Find news stories and documentaries to make your point. Look up the adverts by Police around coercive control DV.

If it was my brother or friend putting himself at risk I think I would set up a fake account to convince her he had another relationship. Awful and OP you are in a better position to judge how this would go down. But it would be great if she blocked him.

I know this may sound ever so simple @OneCheeryGoldMoose but have you and your H just said to him,

'We're very worried about her, we don't want you to go and as far as we're concerned, you are not going because we think it's a dangerous situation.'

End of?

He may be 18 but does he ignore everything you ask of him ?
Will he simply not accept a loud 'No' from you?
Is he a rebel?

It seems there are very loose boundaries. If at 18 my parents had expressed real concerns for a very good reason I think I'd have listened, especially as I was living at home .

Actually, all it takes is showing up to an appointment at the visa office, and leaving without a visa (because, as it turns out, it's not an advisory session to discuss the appropriate visa avenue for trip intentions). That'll get you denied on entry, an 8 hour wait, thoroughly searched, treated like a criminal, and returned back with your own return flight... ask me how I know 😏 So that's an idea.

But seriously, OP this sounds horrific. Definitely hide the passport, and do more due diligence with checking it's not one big hoax! I bet we'd be surprised at how convincing they are these days!!

Also you have no idea if she is real.

Sending post to her doesn't prove she is real.
Seeing the house or road she lives in doesn't make her real.
There could be a 50 year old many typing away .
This is how paedophiles catch young kids- pretending to be someone else. It's even possible to create a fake AI image and a voice and pretend it's a real person.

You all need to wise up.

If she is real, just say he can't go.
And if he insists say it's his choice and you will be moving his stuff out of your house so he has to move out.

Practical steps: If you are intent on hiding his passport

He can get a new passport if he claims his current one is lost. You can also hide his birth certificate but he can claim a new one of those too.

So it's better to have the discussion with him about how unsafe it is to travel knowing very little about this girl and having never met her in person or seen where she lives. He doesn't know her family very well other than the threat that they have guns.

If she does try to prevent him leaving, he may lose his job. His medical insurance will expire. If he needs any kind of medical treatment after that (shot gun wounds needing attention, etc) he will have to pay for it himself and it will be thousands of $$$$$$

My DS went to visit his GF in the states (genuine relationship, they met in the UK at uni and are now married) and wanted to extend his stay but his insurance company would not extend his cover. They don't do that.

So, get him to agree that it's not a sensible option. If he really, really wants to go he will go. You can't stop him.

Sorry no. You cannot let him go. Deal with the fallout afterwards.

Sympathy OP what an awful situation. It is encouraging that his friends are telling him she is unhinged
He may listen to them more than you.

OP, if you have (or can get hold of) her photo, can you do a reverse-image search on it? That should show if it’s been used elsewhere - and hence possibly stolen.

I would feel the same OP. I know the 'good parent' guide would say he needs to make his own decisions and make his own mistakes but put it this way, if it was my daughter I would probably take her passport or I would literally follow her there. Not a chance in hell would I let her travel that distance alone to visit someone already shown to be abusive. And this is an abusive situation. Its no different just because he's male. Absolutely nobody with any sense would judge you for trying to stop him going. Stop him going however you can, he's so young and has his whole life to go, he doesn't need to get tied down to someone who is already trying to make his life smaller.

Tell your son to run she is crazy and will never change. Is your son desperate?

She's probably cheating on him I wouldn't be surprised. Her brother has a gun are they rednecks. He knows how to pick them.

Do you know any coppers or lawyers who could talk to him about the gun threat, how that's a sign she could have violent tendencies? This is wild OP

He can’t go. She sounds so insecure she’s dangerous. I think you should make him watch a documentary to help him see clearly.

This is extremely worrying OP but if he’s anything like my DDs ‘gamer/gym’ male friends he’s incredibly unlikely be going to meet her. They only leave their rooms to go to work. Travel? No chance.

Fingers crossed he’ll come to his senses but failing that I’d definitely hide his passport. 18 is ‘adult’ only in the eyes of the law these days isn’t it? Certainly not in maturity.

Ask him if he thinks she would be a nice, kind mum to a child. Something to think about.

If she’s as disturbed as she’s coming across, she’s liable to hide his passport once he’s over there too. What a mess. I hope you can find a resolution X

I agree. He is living under their roof at their expense.

Not wishing to worry you further but my cousin came to my country for his 21st. He then went with another cousin from here to the USA - think boys trip. He met a girl at a bar in the USA who turned his head, he came back here then flew back out and got married to her in the space of about 6 weeks from when they met. Girl lived with her mother. Girl and mother then hid his passport and effectively kept him trapped in the country so he couldn't get back to either his home country or here. Complete with accusations of cheating while he was at work or phoning his family (before mobiles were a thing) while girl and mother lounged about at home having their lifestyle funded by my cousin. It took a significant period of time for his immediate family to get him out and divorced. He has never left his home country since. While I would normally say the responsibility for poor decision making is with your son, in this case, it looks like this girl is a bunny boiler and your son doesnt have the life experience to see it. Who threatens their supposedly significant other with remember my brother has a gun? Good luck mama bear

This might be a good point to make to drive to finally get through to him and male him think about the long term practicalities

Have you told him that you’re terrified for him in as many words.
It’s one thing for a teenager to hear that you disapprove and think he’s making poor choices and another that you are actually genuinely scared for him.

I would also ask if he’s scared to break up with her for any reason?

"Home Page - Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3)" https://www.ic3.gov

@OneCheeryGoldMoose have a read of this advice the FBI provides

He needs to learn this lesson otherwise it will be another mad lady in some other logistic nightmare. The best thing you can do is safety net. If any family or friend could go over with him, that would be the answer. I'd jump at the chance to go to America but I get that might not be financially viable for everyone or tricky with work/ dependents. I would ask around tho, as even if I had a cousin I didn't know that well, I'd be happy to fligh over and check in with them every 12 hours while enjoying a solo vacation. At 18 it is a long way if s*it turns crazy.

So when she was screaming at him down the phone to hide in the airport toilet and not go on a holiday in case he talked to a girl, doesn't he see how ridiculous and controlling that is? if anyone did that to me I'd never talk to them again, I really hope he went on that holiday and enjoyed it.

Im another one in the hide his passport camp. My friend's cousin was in the exact same situation over a decade ago. He ended up moving over to the US where she then proceeded to cut him off from all friend's and family, would not allow him to do anything other than work and even then kept tabs on him constantly. She was verbally and emotionally abusive. He eventually committed suicide. It was awful for the whole family. They knew she wasn't right and were constantly worried for him being with her but after his death the full extent of the abuse came out as a result of a police investigation. I won't go into their personal details of it but the things she was doing and saying to him were horrendous.

Do anything possible to stop your son going there.