Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

Your focus is all on her, but in reality your focus should be on him. He is exhibiting very concerning behaviour, from accepting the abuse, to crying, to still wanting to go. They are both very immature obviously, but all the shit she’s saying, is really of minor concern v what your son is doing.

is this the first time, he’s exhibited poor decision making, emotional instability, and poor personal boundaries?

This happened to someone I know, they initially went for a couple of weeks but the "partner" hid their passport and it was around 6 weeks before they managed to persuade the "partner'" give it to them on the pretence of going to see about getting residency or something (Europe). They managed to slip out and get to the airport but had to leave most of their belongings behind.
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This person is older than OPs son but tends to get sucked in to relationships with seemingly needy individuals who turn out to be very manipulative.

Would one of his friends have better luck trying to reason with him?

I would also to be honest be really quite dismissive of the whole thing and I wouldn’t refer to her as his girlfriend. She is a modern day pen pal. You can’t work out if you are attracted to someone via a computer screen in a different continent.

He’s obviously immature and desperate for a girlfriend.

I’m LOLing at the posters telling you to go with him. So people really think that other people can just magic up the money/time off work for a US trip?! 🤣

OP just say “You’re not going. This girl is mental and she’s got access to a gun. If you think we’re going to let you go you’re as crazy as she is. Don’t ask again”.

No necessarily sellotaped but on his person yes why not.

I would take the passport and explain to him exactly why you are taking the passport. He may be upset and angry but once he calms down and she disappears he will see sense. Tell him there is absolutely no way he is going

Who would be most likely to end the relationship if the other cheated? If him, find some details of where she has been and when, set up a fake account and message him claiming to be the other guy. If her, do it the other way around. Don’t tell anyone else at all so that your son doesn’t fall out with you.

OP is there a family member a step removed ie an Uncle or trusted cousin that your son might listen to? Sometimes just hearing it from someone within the family realm but not parents/siblings can make more of an impact, This sounds like coercive control and is toxic. Your son needs to end it and block her on all accounts. He is so young and has his entire life ahead of him. I have an 18 year old DS and I would be very concerned and would not be happy him flying off to America to stay with a nutcase.

Takes 30 seconds to re-read the thread by the way.

”OneCheeryGoldMoose · Today 11:01
Honestly I can see her being on this level. She sent a message saying remember my brother has a gun. I am terrified.”

So no, she did not say that. She clearly meant her son received that message.

The lack of reading comprehension on here amazes me at times 😀

So say, for example, that he keeps them in his trouser pocket. He's not going to be wearing the trousers 24 hours a day, and for some of the time he will be sleeping.

Or he keeps them in his wallet/phone case. Is he going to have that about his person 24/7? Whilst he is asleep?

No, ffs, just hide his effing passport..! Once that's done you could try and block her from his devices or something, but don't go making stuff up. That'll only make things worse.

I don’t want to be melodramatic but what if she hides his passport so that he can’t get home?

Of course it is possible to hide the passport but someone did say that they tried this with a relative and they just called the police, who made them return it. I'm not sure what the legalities are for ownership of a passport that was issued to a minor (I assume it's not brand new).

Edit- I think it's his property regardless so he can demand it back.

Do not hide his passport. Or at least if you do tell him before he books flights and other transport/accommodation. Otherwise he will waste his money.

Yes I remember this 😖

I agree with this.
Maybe there is an element of a subconscious cry for help.

He sounds very immature for his age, maybe he's just in so far that he doesn't know how to get out and he'd actually welcome you sabotaging the trip.

I really hope so OP.
It sounds terrifying.

Invite her to visit him instead. Then at least you have some measure of control over the craziness

THIS!!! He needs a verbal slap down. His dad sounds brilliant, and a short sharp, "No, you are not bloody going to America and that is final. You are not having your passport either so forget that son. OK?"
Stop pussying around him!!

Maybe ask him why he thinks a nut job like her would make a suitable mother for his children?

I also agree. He probably feels helpless and out of control as she is controlling him so much. He needs you and your DH to take control now

he can’t go but I have no idea how you can stop him. He is in love with a phantasy rather than a real person. Hopefully he will find a real girlfriend soon. Maybe you need to try to speak to her parents about her gun threats etc. she definitely sounds unhinged.

Taking his passport is only a temporary solution - he can apply for a replacement passport. I think I'd be tempted to try to dig out more information by hiring a detective local to the girlfriend. And/or some kind of investigator who's good at online digging.

Agree with a PP up thread who said his behaviour is really concerning. Is there a possibility she is already blackmailing him with something?

I would honestly sit him down and say ‘if you think you’re in trouble or she has something on you, please tell us and we will help you whatever it is’

otherwise this situation as a good looking lad covered in attention at home makes no sense.