Sons GF- AGHHHHHHH

[OneCheeryGoldMoose]

My son has an overseas GF (long haul flight) who he met online (they haven't met IRL yet). They facetime etc, always on the phone. My son is 18 and works full time lives at home with us.

He wants to go and visit her in the New Year.

Trouble is she is insane (I'm sorry but she is) and he won't see it. He has a great relationship with me and his dad and tells us everything.

Everytime he see's friends (even if they are at ours- my sons a gamer lad- not a go out clubbing pub lad) she doesn't speak to him for three days as she tells him he's been cheating on her. His best mate came over at the weekend with his gf and she informed him he'd clearly only bought him over for a threesome......

I asked him if he had hoovered his room whilst he was on call the other day- she then told him he allowed me to have too much control over his life. He came on holiday with us and his two sisters a month ago and she was screeching at him down the phone that he should hide in the airport toilet away from us and not get on the plane because his sisters would speak to girls whilst on holiday which would mean he would also speak to them.

I have chats with all three of my kids at the end of the week like a catch up, check in on life and any issues/advice they want, just like a little mental health check from my side- he told her he was just talking to me for ten minutes and she replied back saying I'm a strange mother and obviously a narcissist that wants to control his life, that would be the only reason I speak to them all so much.

I don't know what to do. He has his own money to go and we will advise but not stop him if he's that adamant about going. But I am terrified she's dangerous and he's in an abusive relationship.
She recently sent him a document about trigger words to avoid when he comes as it will set her off- including speaking about me and his dad, any ex relationships, his sisters and his friends. He burst into tears and spoke to me and his dad. We explained it's not normal but he's in the mindset of when she's nice it's amazing.

His dad is on the verge of hiding his passport ffs. We have said he is the prime position to just block her as we aren't even in the same country but he can't/ won't do it.

I really feel for you OP as this sounds like a nightmare and you sound like a wonderful mother.
I'm sure many people will say he’s an adult, therefore don’t get involved. However, I am positive your son at 40 years old will look back and thank you if you might be able to discourage him from going.

I was in a similar abusive relationship at 16 years old and my parents weren’t so firm - I do think back and wonder if they had been, maybe I could have spared myself 3 years of heartache - such precious formative years!!!

Call Catfish or get a PI to do a bit of digging!

Hi OP haven't read your full thread of replies but read all yours to get the jist.

You go as far as you need to on this... she is a nutter and probably a predator. I know someone who had a 16 year old lad talking to some "girl" his age in America... same shit.. turns out she was nearly 40 and a total freak!
She got in this lads head, he wanted to visit bla bla. It caused so many fights in the family. By some miracle he saw sense and got rid of her (I don't know what happened) but what a dangerous situation that was.

I hope your son sees sense because this just screams all sorts of danger!

Oh and might I say this would be domestic abuse / emotional abuse in normal circumstances - with how she talks to your son!

@OneCheeryGoldMoose There are a tonne of documentaries on meeting people online that turn out to be killers, scammers and there was even a series about online romances that went to meet the other person and mostly it didn;t work out. Or they wanted visas from marriage. He really needs to watch some of them.

Hiding passport sounds like an option. Other option: who paid for the plane ticket, can you cancel them and get a refund (or even not get refunded, at this point it's probably worth the loss to cancel the flights).
Or can you block her on all his platforms somehow, like erase her number from his phone?
I would absolutely not let him go, there is definitely something fishy here.

I can tell you that getting service from UK embassies and consulates is extremely difficult. They do the bare minimum for British citizens abroad, unless you die, and even then they ask you to fill in online forms that don't work and you have to phone up to find out what has happened. I would not assume he can just walk up to the consulate and get an emergency passport, he will need an appointment, he will need to pay in advance and then find there are no appointments for 3 weeks, they will be closed for Christmas and new year, etc etc.

If I were you, Op, I'd insist that someone goes with him or that the girl comes to visit you.
He is being manupulated and it will end badly.
He could be far too embarrassed to accept failure unless you are there with him. (You or a solid friend.)
See that he buys a return ticket and help him set a limited amount in his account and secure the rest of his money until he arrives home again. The bank might give good advice about how not to be scammed. Can you visit the bank with DS?

This might be helpful for your son. It's not just for autistic people - I'm recommending it because it sets out the information so clearly. I like the easy read version best.

www.durham.ac.uk/news-events/latest-news/2024/04/autistic-guide-to-healthy-relationships/

Can you get him to see a counselor before he goes (and hopefully he'll see sense and cancel)? If all else fails, get in touch with her parents and be their worst nightmare till they ban her from seeing him.

Check out 90 Day Fiance-The Other Way on TLC. Your son's GF sounds like crazy Mary who had to be on video call with her boyfriend 24/7.
https://au.video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?p=90+day+fiance+brandon+and+mary&type=G210US739G91992M9609d9530177dee0b459f5d8d5bcb719#id=1&vid=59834db6719d08a97e07fb48b95e3180&action=click
Show your son, he may recognise some of the batshittery that he's living with. He deserves to be in a healthy relationship, not a controlling one. I doubt he'd want one of his mates in his position with a controlling GF. Best of luck to you and your son.

And BTW - Mary got pregnant. Please don't let your son go overseas.

I'm in the hide passport camp too! You can't let him go, he probably secretly wants an intervention here.

Thats so sad. I have a friend in this position except hes much older and she is insane. She tracks him 24 hours a day and spys on him. Hes started wearing really odd clothes lately and shaved his hair off. I think its because she has to go away for a few days and shes terrified girls will look at him. I feel so sorry for him but also irritated. Shes a grown woman and hes a grown man ffs. Its not a relationship, its abuse. I say burn his passport and block her on everything. And if shes from South America, change your identities!

[accidental double post]

That's just mad! 😱🤯😱🤯

Not sure if it’s already been posted but ‘lose’ a second or even third passport at the same time as otherwise it’s way too obvious. Hope your DS is able to get out of this - sounds worrying.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable but you should let him go. The only way that he is going to learn from this is the hard way. If you prevent him from going he will resent you, if you allow him to make his own mistakes then he may learn to listen a little bit more in the future.

NB - I am assuming that the girl is from a compatible country and not one that is renowned for scamming (in which case the above advice doesn't hold).

Well there's your answer. He said he'd end it on his sister's behalf.

You should remind him of this and stop messing around. Tell him you think he is in serious danger from this girl and try to stage some kind of intervention. Make it clear to him you think he is in an abusive relationship.

What a difficult situation, my heart goes out to you all.

Even if making his own mistakes include marrying a dangerous nutter in America and not coming home but instead living illegally in an abusive relationship - or worse.

I take it you haven't had experience of yourself or a friend being in a domestic violence/ coercive control situation? The kind of jealousy she's exhibiting is dangerous.

People lose decades of their life or worse to people like this and end up a shell of their former selves.

He's so young. He has no idea what he stands to lose here.

I suspect this is all a con trick.

The girl is not a young girl in the USA but a young person in Africa or Asia. The invite to visit will disappear and in its place will be a request (demand) for money.

The OP needs to ensure her son does not know any of the codes and passwords to any family members credit card or bank account.

This sounds like a con.

There are nutty people in America too you know.

The OP has made it clear she's checked her out and is convinced she's real.

I went to a talk by his mum at my DD’s school (we re local) the thing I took away that because the killer was a similar age (and not an adult trying to appear to be a teen) that the risk was minimised.

Hide the passport. 18 is so young and it’s so hard to manage behaviour that flips in the way his GF does and recognise what’s ok and not ok. It’s brilliant that he talks so openly with you about things. But hide the passport.

Don't hide the passport, engineer a swap / loss at the airport when it is too late to sort it out.

could you or DH go with him? Anonymously if necessary.