Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

So your ds has spent three years living in her apartment, and then when she expressed a desire to be married, he tells her they'll discuss it when he feels ready and not before.

I'm not surprised she dumped him.

If after three years and at 30 he doesn't yet know what he wants, and she wants a family, she is quite right to look for someone more mature and financially established.

I'm sure your ds will grow up in due course and find someone else.

And as for him offering to buy her a ring now, he's too late. No-one is more loving (and less desirable) than a man who suddenly finds himself homeless.

Yes and yes!

@OneGreenPoster let’s not get it twisted, it seems the GF knows exactly what she wants - it’s your son that doesn’t blowing hot and cold - and possibly for the wrong reasons 😬.

I’m not surpised she does not want to marry him now. She knew her boundaries and what she wanted out of life, she spoke to her partner who didn’t want the same thing so she decided not to waste her time on some one who didn’t want the same thing as her.

How old are you OP, you’re sounding increasingly Victorian with every post. 27 isn’t risky, and even if it was, far better to be happily solo than stuck with someone who’s only proposed because you’d dumped him, and with and out of touch interfering MIL.

You haven’t once mentioned his inertia as a problem (but it’s ok to blame her friend 🤨).

Does he actually know what he wants? Never mind her. Or is he just lazy and suddenly scared he’s about to lose a good thing.

She tried to discuss it, but he shut it down. He belittled her and took away her agency. She wanted to get engaged because they are in love and it’s what they both want, not because he was forced into it. She has done the right thing. Also stay out of it, it’s not your business.

Good for her!!! She asked for concrete commitment on where the relationship was going. He called it silly and she said fair enough, if you think I want to.sit around and wait for you to decide...BYE BYE

Massive respect to her. Hopefully a lesson learned for your DS. She has her whole.life ahead of her and she knows what she wants

Bets are she will be engaged and married to a man who knows her worth by christmas 2027

He's coming home, OP.

And he's not the catch you think he is.

She told him how she feels re marriage. He didn't actually listen and reflect and consider it, he fobbed her off.

She dumps him, and again he didn't listen.

What woman in her right mind would make plans around someone who DOESN'T LISTEN TO HER??

If they had kids and she wanted XYZ... he won't listen unless she dumps him. That's the message he has sent.

How can she ever trust him at his word?

Good for her. It must be killing her too but she knows her own mind.

Poor girl, wasting 3 years of her 20s on a man who refuses to commit until it's a choice between that and moving back in with him Mum. I don't know what's more insulting, the fact he clearly had no intention of marrying her before or that he's willing to do it now because it's inconvenient to be broken up with.

I hope she soon finds a man who knows categorically that he wants her and is ready to commit to her, and I hope your son grows up.

OP, she knows exactly what she wants - a man who loves her and is genuinely excited about spending the rest of his life with her.
A "well now I feel forced into it as I'm getting dumped" proposal is the exact opposite of that. Your son had his chance here and he blew it - tell him to listen and take his next girlfriend seriously!

Fresh start for both of them in January without any hypocritical gift exchanging and relative-meeting first.

Starting again at 27 is risky she may now meet anyone for a few years

Don’t be ridiculous. She’s very young and has plenty of time. Time she’s now very sensibly choosing not to waste on your son.

She, like any sane woman, wants a man who actively wants to marry her. Who is excited about it. Not one who needs to be coerced or given an ultimatum. Good for her.

After three years, he refused to even entertain a discussion about "silly" timelines for marriage. She is 27 and quite reasonably is thinking of her future. If she were my daughter I'd have been advising her to do the same except I'd have been advising her to kick your loser son out of my home before Christmas. I think that contacting her would be ill advised and why shouldn't she go out to a party - was she meant to stay home and brood with a 30 year old man who wasn't prepared to step up? I think the moment has passed for your son. She has moved in and clearly has no intention of being single in her thirties with a ticking biological clock and I applaud her for that.

He is 30 for crying out loud! How long does he need?!! DH proposed when we were 26 after several years together. If he was still fannying around at 30 I would have dumped him too.

She’s 27 not 97 on what planet is it “risky” to start again?

Starting again at 27 is risky 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Your internalised misogyny is showing there.

Your son knows now. If marriage and family are what he wants, he needs to not dither for years and then be dismissive about ‘silly timelines’. He needs to meet his future partner halfway and have a discussion as a team about their future.

It is too late now. She told him what she wanted. He did nothing.

Your son FAFO.

She had a timeline, he thought it was silly and now he's been dumped.

Don't contact her unless you want to be told to mind your own business. She's an adult and you raised a son who took his gf for granted, you should talk to him and not her.

Good for her!!

"So I don't think she knows what she wants"
Of course she knows what she wants - she wants a man who commits to her enthusiastically and without being prompted, and he made it clear to her a few months back that he is NOT that man!

He's only willing to commit because otherwise he's got to grow the fuck up and put a roof over his own head, not ride on her coat-tails.

Oh, is that why you want them back together - he'll want to move back in with mummy, and you can remember what a PITA he was?

I don't think after 3 years it's unreasonable to expect some idea of future plans. The fact your son sees a discussion regarding their future as 'silly' and wouldn't entertain the idea, speaks volumes. In my humble opinion if a man genuinely loves his partner and wants to marry her, he will propose in a timely manner. If your son doesn't feel ready for marriage and babies, then that's perfectly valid but he's clearly not on the same page as his girlfriend. She's looking for commitment, and he's not, well certainly not at the moment. Her feelings are valid too, and it maybe that she thinks she's wasting time being with him. It's better to part, rather than her building up resentment for the lack of a proposal. Your son is 30, he's not going to thank you for interfering and his ex, most definitely won't. Support him emotionally the best you can, help him find somewhere else to live, but don't get involved with their relationship.

So propose to her when he wasn't ready? Great idea!

Aww
i am likely to be unreasonably over invested in my kids' relationships so I do understand how upsetting this must be, but your job is to be there for him now.

I "started again" at nearly 30!

Your son doesn't sound very nice & I might have an idea where he gets it from!

This. She knows what he really thinks. He is only saying this now because he doesn’t want his comfortable life to change. That is not true commitment.

We say to women all the time, believe him the first time when he shows you who he is.

He shut down the timeline conversation and wasn't serious about committing to her. He could say he was committed, but without action, it's hollow words.

She is wise. And saying it's risky to start again at 27 is bizarre. It would be far riskier to waste years hoping he would commit to her.

She hasn't made a mistake here. Your son has. And I know that's difficult to hear.

Keep your nose out. Sounds like the girl is better off on her own or she'd have you as a MIL