Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

No he does not adore her or if that is what you think adoration is - you are deranged.

After years of being in a committed adult relationship- she as an adult asked this man child to come up with a timeline with her as joint equal partners. The man ‘doesn’t’ need to propose it’s not something men control it a mutual thing. She wanted equality.
She wanted to have an input into her life and joint life - where is this going? Let’s make some plans eg engaged 12 months, married 12 months, kids in 3 years. So she can plan her life, joint life and maternity and work etc

He responded - ha ha ha 🤣 when I’m ready little girl. You don’t get to decide when me -the big man -decides to get married. You will do it when I’m ready and that could be whenever I choose, meanwhile you will dangle on the end of a string waiting for ME to propose and ME to decide all the big decisions. I’m 30 year old man, a fully fledged adult and I have been dating you for THREE years and I’m not sure I want a commitment to you for the rest of my life. So you wait, I can’t even tell you how long, maybe a year, maybe 5 years, maybe 10 years or maybe 20 years. Maybe we will have children before marriage and you take all the risk effecting your fertility, finances and pension and career and we will see.

He seems himself as the big prize and she will want it.

She said up yours. Right out into the pond, wasted 3 years on you and I don’t need this shit.

The fact that you think your son is right and even considered interfering is baffling. The fact you think you should be coercing her is baffling.

Good for her. You should be saying to him - you didn’t treat her as an equal partner or someone to make joint decisions with or treat her as ‘someone he adores’. Eg when she said what he could of said is:

I adore you, of course I want to marry you. What time frame do you want? Do you want to choose a ring together or me to choose it? I love you, and I’m so glad you chose me.

takes one to know one

She gave her warning months ago and he did nothing with that information. He's had months to propose. He clearly didn't want to until he's realised the consequences. He's been riding along as a cocklodger calling all the shots. Good on her for having standards and principles, I hope she finds her happy ever after.

This is epic. I hope there's a part 2 coming, the dafter the better.

This hits the nail on the head

YABU. Don’t contact your son’s ex. That will only make things worse and will absolutely confirm to her that she’s made the right decision.

Telling her she’s “risky to be single at 27” or that there “aren’t many good men out there” will just reinforce that she’s escaped a situation where commitment was endlessly kicked down the road. Based on all your post your son doesn’t come across as a great catch either.

This wasn’t out of the blue. She asked for a timeline, he refused to give one, and she waited. Three years is not nothing. He’s been living in her flat and clearly reached her limit.

And breaking up before Christmas isn’t cruel, it gives her a clean slate for the new year. New start, new chapter, possibly with someone who knows what they want and doesn’t dismiss a timeline as “silly”.

You're spot on, this story is wild.

His dad is correct. His ex dodged a bullet in you. Every time something went wrong on their marriage he'd go running to mummy to make it all better. Your son is a man baby and you are his enabler.

It's not because he is a man.

People are pointing out that she, his ex, decided what she wanted for herself. She gave him the opportunity to say that he wanted the same thing and he didn't.

She has made a choice for her own life and has decided not to sit on a shelf hoping that this manw I'll take her off it.

I'm also the mother of an adult son and, of course I'd be sad to see him hurt. But I'd also be honest with him and not seek to criticise a woman for taking decisive action. Even if it meant him being hurt.

Because I'm also the mother of an adult daughter and I would advise her to do the same if she'd been in the ex girlfriend's shoes. She's worth more than being demeaned by a man who doesn't take her seriously.

Eta - the point is that, if it were what he wanted, he wouldn't have felt pressured because it would have been a conversation between two equal adults. His response showed that it either isn't what he wanted or that he doesn't see her as an equal adult with agency in her own life. They're either on different pages in terms of life plans/goals or see relationships wildly differently.

In either case, she wasn't happy even if he was.

They weren't on the same page. She wanted to get married, he didn't. The fact he told her he wouldn't set a 'silly timeline' tells me he hadn't even thought about marriage. He basically dismissed her and she acted accordingly.

If he proposed now, he would only be doing so under pressure, not because he wanted to. I wouldn't be happy with that.

This. This young woman has had excellent advice. and will sooner or later meet a man mature enough to respect her and give her what she wants.

Well put.

We do know why, OP told us! He (his highness) would not discuss “silly timelines”!

She was upset.

He had three months to ensure she wasn’t upset and make her feel loved etc.

She wasn’t asking for a proposal but just a timeline of likely events? Is she not allowed to know about that? Just had to wait for his lord and master to decide when the time was right? So why you’re saying she asked for a proposal I’m not sure!

He “was probably“ going to do something nice? What on earth gives you that impression?

She is now fed up with him cocklodging in her apartment!

He now loves her and adores her and wants to buy a ring tomorrow 🤮! Too late his not even wanting to discuss it three months ago was the true him, not the one panicking because he’s losing everything.

It’s nothing to do with him being “male”, it’s to do with him dismissing her want to talk about the future.

And you think she should stick around at Christmas playing happy families, for him to bleat about after Christmas all “the effort” he made at Christmas, assuming he makes it?

Maybe she just has enough self respect to recognise when a man has no intention of marrying her and to leave a man who undermines her by calling her initiating an adult conversation ‘silly’.

I think the woman has had a lucky escape. She won’t have you for a MIL.

..

This.

What a silly boy who didn’t want a silly timeline. Either you want to marry or you don’t, and if you do, you don’t refuse to get engaged or discuss a timeline. She doesn’t believe he wants what she wants, she doesn’t believe the timeline she has in mind remotely resembles his plans, and she doesn’t want to be strung along with an engagement ring when she doesn’t believe the marriage will be forthcoming, even if he does buy a ring. He doesn’t want a firm commitment, so now he hasn’t got a firm commitment, or indeed any commitment.

Except he wasn’t planning a nice proposal was he? And he called her wanting to plan their future silly.

Ending a relationship doesn’t mean you are being nasty. He made it clear he wasn’t ready to commit and she has every right to leave a relationship which no longer works for her.

I've been here. I actually applaud her confidence. She set down her expectations, he couldn't meet them so she's walked away.

I think she didn't want to go into christmas expecting it to happen and be disappointed when it didn't. She is sensible to walk away at 27 - she still had good years in her to find someone else.

Also - if he's living in her apartment - what is he bringing to the table.

In the kindest way- you need to keep out of it.
IF he loved her and she was his forever person, he would have put a ring on it! 3 years is enough time to know this!

Jesus F#cking Christ, no, don't contact your son's ex. How to humiliate him in one fell swoop. It's a life lesson he's learned. A painful one, yes, but one that's worth going through. You cruise, you lose.

He wanted the wife experience without actually having to commit himself.

after 3 years and living together I think you know whether it’s long term or not. She wanted to get married and is free to find someone who has similar values.

he will learn from this actually.

This response is as mature as "who smelt it, dealt it" 😄

I think the OP is full of shit but absolutely yes, Christmas is often a trigger for this kind of thing. MN frequently sees posts in the new year from posters who had hoped to be engaged over the festive season.

Personally I think OP should go round and propose on her son's behalf, set us up nicely for an exciting new thread.

Im with your husband i wouldnt get your hopes up..she wanted effort and he didnt do it...