Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

i think you should stay out of it. You’re only hearing half the story. His.

I also admire her - it must have taken a lot of strength to break up with him in these circumstances. She’s 27 - she has plenty of time to move on and find someone who appreciates her.

OP your son sounds immature, insensitive and if he did truly love her then he’s also an idiot. Your posts come across as though he’s some major catch but the reality is he was happy to live in her flat, be with her for 3 years, but then belittled her and dismissed her when she raised something important to her (in a totally reasonable timeframe). It was his choice not to discuss timelines with her and now it is her choice to decide she doesn’t want to continue with the relationship.

Unlike others I don’t think there is any chance she would ever take him back - to get to this point in her own mind she will have passed the point of no return with him. He needs to reflect on the mistakes he made and learn from them - your DH is right.

Exactly. She doesn't want a knee jerk reaction. She wants someone who is equally committed to her and wants the same things as her.

She knows that if this is the only way he'll propose, she'll face the same feet dragging when it comes to planning the wedding and starting a family and she just isn't interested in that.

I'm more surprised that there are some posters who think she should have wasted her time waiting around for a man to decide to choose her, tbh.

So why is he snivelling and crying to his mummy now about the girl he loved and adored…. Oh she’s dumped him?

He now wants to buy a ring tomorrow… why?

He’s not going to get her back, he just wanted a bed in her home, that she’s has responsibilities for, why did he move in with her and not stay at his mummy’s?

But he “won’t” be pushed on timescale when he’ll commit, or presumably get a joint place, or anything really.

He wants to commit now though…. To late! She’s moved on and got what would appear to be a cocklodger out?

What do you think sounds “lovely” about him? The way he stated that he won’t discuss silly timelines? The way he’s now crying to his mummy? The way he’s now willing to back down because she’s asserted herself? Just what is lovely about any of that?

MyDaftDuck are you serious. She is the one who has '' escaped'' from a relationship that was going nowhere. He has been living in her home getting all the benefits of 'wifey' when he had no intention of putting a ring on her finger 'until he was ready'. If in fact he ever would be ready.

He could have been stringing her along all this time. As if he's going to tell his mother that although his gf was very convenient he just didnt feel that way about her. We mothers don't know everything going on in our childrens heart or their relationships. 3 years is long enough for someone to know where things are going so it's good she called quits and gave him a reality check.

This is something that he knew was important to her but took it for granted. He's probably only 'shocked and hurt' because of his ego and thinking about what people are going to say etc. And I suspect that mum is also shocked and hurt because of her ego and thinking about what people are going to say.

Most people are saying '' she's right for not wanting to be strung along''. As for doing it before Christmas, she clearly wanted to enter the new year on a clean slate. And why shouldn't she. Being a woman herself, the mum should be having strong words with her son about his part in this instead of saying she wants to' 'talk sense into his ex gf.' 'She's only 27 so she has plenty of time to meet someone else. I hope she does. It's definitely his loss.

Good for her and I don’t blame her for not saying no to him offering to buy a ring now. Nobody wants to be married to someone who they feel is half forced there against their wishes. If he was keen he’d have proposed before. She knows her worth and wants to find someone who recognises that.

Maybe he's a mummy's boy. Boy bye!! 👏

What do you think sounds “lovely” about him? The way he stated that he won’t discuss silly timelines? The way he’s now crying to his mummy? The way he’s now willing to back down because she’s asserted herself? Just what is lovely about any of that?

His mum said it so itust be true...

I really hate the "you/he/she/they sound lovely" bollocks that gets spouted on here.

It's meaningless and trite.

Yes, very unreasonable. This is not your business. If he's old enough to live with someone, he's too old to have his mother calling the girlfriend, begging her to stay. I wouldn't want to convince someone to stay with my son. If she wants to go, let her.

Exactly. This isn’t a one off, I wager she’s been trying to get him to commit for 3 years and finally she gave him an ultimatum.

I think men don’t always quite understand how important it is to women to be married, they think they have all the time in the world, which they do, but women’s fertility is limited. Your son has learned an important lesson and next time he meets someone he adores he knows not to string them along.

But your DS has not been a “good man” in this relationship. He kept a woman dangling. At 27, she may want to have started to think about having children. But he kept her on a string - oh I’ll propose to you when the time is right.

It’s the sign of either immaturity or lack of commitment. But he expected her to hang on just in case.

That is not the behaviour of a good man.

And you would be stupid to try to persuade her otherwise.

She did the right thing, and your husband is right, you’re so besotted with your son you’re unable to see the situation objectively and are behaving foolishly. I can’t believe any part of you really thought you should speak to her. If anything rhay would make her double down on it.

she wants to settle down, likely plan a family. After 3 years and in his 30s if your son isn’t willing to commit then absolutely she needs to bin him off and find a loving man who does want commitment, not give away her fertile years waiting for your son.

snd boo hoo he’s 30, he’s not entitled to live in her home. What a man baby,

And op irs not she doesn’t know what she wants. She’s very clear what she wants, and a forced proposal, a ring as he wants fo move back in as he’s homeless, is not what anyone wants.

He had the chance, he declined. she was clear. He doesn’t get to run out an buy a ring and have her gratefully accept as he’s been forced.

Like most women she probably had a plan
27/28 get engaged
29/30 get married
30/31 buy a house if possible
31/32 have first dc

thats not an unreasonable or unrealistic timeframe…your son however, is like most men, he can only see things from his point of view!

My goodness OP, I’m sorry for all the horror posts here. Everyone seems to forget that just because he’s a man it’s justified to be nasty and treat him badly. We don’t know why he didn’t propose when she asked him to but no one functions on pressure right? He was probably giving it time to prepare something nice if he loved her etc. I am so sorry this happened to him just before Christmas. Sending love and hoping that he rises above from all this and finds someone better in the future who will love him for who he is! As a mum I can totally relate to your feelings of wanting to protect him, regardless of age. Hang in there! 🫶🏼

Yeah, you shouldn’t get your hopes up. Respectfully, you need to leave it be now. She’s made her decision, respect that. Your son is thirty, he can look after himself at this age.

I think she wanted an enthusiastic proposal, not an 'I don't want to get dumped' proposal.

Alternatively, if she genuinely doesn't know what she wants then they're better off apart anyway?

Well done to your son's ex girlfriend 👏

As the saying goes, you snooze, you lose.

The world is her oyster. And realistically your ds wasn't going to marry her, which is why he didn't even want to discuss things. This must have been so frustrating for her.

I'm also 😂😂😂at the idea of you having a word with her. If the boy man can't woo her back without momma bear's help he is simply not ready for relationships, let alone, getting engaged and starting a family. This is the problem when boys get coddled. Your husband and his ex have the measure of him. He might grow up in the next few years. She had a very lucky escape.

Of course it’s the evil nasty friend who has influenced her rather than her being mature enough to know what she wants, discuss it with your DS and once she realises her DS won’t give her want she wants, take control of her own life.

She is only 27, she has plenty of time to find someone who actually wants to spend their life with her, unlike your DS who pretty much told her he has no plans to commit.

And you want to speak to her?! My goodness. She really has had a lucky escape!

I'm also team girlfriend. What was he waiting for, a woman with a better house, so he could cocklodge in more comfort?

He's a food, who needs to go out and buy a massive diamond and eat some humble pie of he wants to keep her.

I'm sure DS is upset. And I'm sure he did love her

But, after 3 years together, knowing she wanted marriage, he didn't feel ready to commit to marriage. And that's ok. No one should marry unless they're certain it's what they want

If I were OP, my approach would be (1) empathy for end of relationship, (2) encourage him to reflect that, if they really had been compatible, likely he'd have wanted to commit (3) respect her decision to move on

Of course she knows what she wants now - to be free of a man who didn't take her, her life or her feelings seriously, took her and her flat for granted, and who is only offering marriage now because he's woken up too late to what he's lost.

Good for her.

Gosh you’re nasty.

She can’t really love him if she’s dumped him over not meeting her timeline.