Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

You can’t understand 1 typo? That must make life hard for you. Sympathies.

She wanted a timeline, completely understandable. He needs to step up and sort it out, YOU do NOTHING.

Lol of course she'll find someone else at 27 how old fashioned.

He spoke to her yesterday and told her he'd go out tomorrow and buy a ring and they could start planning
She said no that isn't what she wants now!
So I don't think she knows what she wants

I guess she doesn't want a man to propose as a last resort?

Surely a reverse of some description?

Are you for real? It’s really none of your business! The phrase “cut the pinny strings” springs to mind.

Doesn't the "so where are we going" chat put every man off? Regardless, this is mumsnet and if there's a man and a woman in the story the man will always be in the wrong by default. If you're a mother worried about her son's relationship it's best not to post on AIBU.

This was also me. We’d been together 6 years and were about the same age as your ds and his now ex. I told dh how I was feeling and wanted to be married and we were married 6 months later. Some men can be a little commitment phobe and don’t consider the fertility issue. The difference is your ds didn't pick up on the cues.

He'd had 3 years. No point her sitting around hoping he might one day grace her with a proposal. Not sure why you'd think that better than her ending it and finding someone who wants the same as her

We used to accept that crappy male attitude, but we no longer do. If the idea of commitment puts him off, he can jog on. Women don't beg these days and nor do we consider a male commitment as some kind of elusive prize. They are very lucky to have a woman who wants to make a home with him and have his babies. If he can't see that, it's not our job to make him see it.

Next!

It's really best that he doesn't. They want totally different things, they're on different pages, and he has issues with poor communication and partner-respect.

I hope she finds someone who wants the same things as her and that he gives himself some time to mature before getting into another serious relationship.

Surely you can though, if you apply just a tiny tiny bit of thinking.

Why is it a male attitude? It'd put me off as well and I'm a woman. No one on here would tell a 27 year old she was pushed for time marriage and kids-wise, what's the rush?

They are very lucky to have a woman who wants to make a home with him and have his babies.

She doesn't want the bloke though she wants to tick the marriage and kids box. He actually wants HER. But yeah I suppose it's much better her next relationship will probably be with a 40 year old divorced dad of three-hey at least we know he's not a commitment-phobe! Maybe the son is trying to make absolutely sure he doesn't end up as one of the above statistic and it's the right relationship to bring kids into. What a crazy concept in this day and age.

I was with my husband for five years before we got engaged/married. It was longer than I wanted to wait, and it did cause some strain in the relationship, but he was always willing to talk and listen to me, which is why I waited.

I was with my husband for five years before we got engaged/married. It was longer than I wanted to wait, and it did cause some strain in the relationship, but he was always willing to talk and listen to me, which is why I waited.

She let him live at her place for 3 years. Of course she wanted him. And she ran out of patience with him.

I've just remembered how Kate and William went through something very similar. It was different, though, because when he said he wasn't ready for marriage, they were both only 25. He wasn't 30. So that's fair enough really, but the press piled on so much pressure to propose on her 25th birthday that he pulled the plug. Also, when they got back together a few months later, he stuck to the fact that he wasn't ready, but he did make a commitment and assure her that she was the one and that they would marry when they were thirty-ish latest. All of that is a lot more sustainable and real than going from "I have no idea when I'll be ready for marriage and I refuse to discuss it" to wanting to buy a ring the next day just because they broke up.

William was lucky, really, that she trusted him and waited. She was even more gorgeous when young than she is now, and everyone knew who she was. I bet she could have found some amazing famous guy who was better looking than Wills, with his own money, who didn't come with a lifetime of public obligations.

You literally said "Doesn't the chat about where the relationship is going put every man off?" That's why I responded about male attitudes. And it is a stereotype.

I'm not sure how you can possibly know that he wants her whilst she doesn't want him, just marriage and babies. I'd say it's the opposite.

Also, if you are 27 and you don't want to have children after your mid-thirties, you don't want to be wasting time. Yes, it's still young, but not so much that you can afford to risk just throwing the next few years away. Female fertility waits for no man.

She's didn't want a "shut up ring"
She wants a proposal, because that's what he wants.. not being forced into it by her leaving him.

After 3 years what is he waiting for?

I don't blame hey and I'd advise my daughter to do what she did on that position.

Women don't have the luxury of time to be waiting on men who can't make their mind up.

Good on her.

We don't know whether she wants kids, or that she is with him to fill in a slot, regardless of love. That's an awful lot of assumptions for someone you haven't met.

I'm sure he loved/loves her.. but like many men he's comfortable with the situation they had. He was in no rush to get married.

She didn't want to issue an ultimatum.. so she put her position forward and his response showed that she'd be waiting for an undefined time.

He didn't even give her a timeline because he felt it was silly. They're not on the same page.

If he's not ready for marriage.. that's okay... but she's not hanging about for his unknown timeline and no woman wants a proposal only after fear of losing the relationship.

Maybe talk some sense into your son instead of her...

He is 30, had a lovely girlfriend who wanted to create a family. Refused to commit and give her security, and got himself dumped. It sounds like he is the one who needs a bit of a wake-up call.

She is 27, she is probably looking ahead and thinking "hmm, well if he doesn't propose int he next 2-3 years.. then we have to have an engagement, then get married, maybe then look at houses etc. and then I can start to think about kids. That means she won't be having children until into her 30s, which is ok - if she is ok with it. But clearly she wasn't and wanted the marriage (and next steps).

Your son had a chance to step up, be responsible and start a family - and he swerved it. Good on her for leaving him to find someone else who she can start a family with.

Perhaps it isn't too late to fix it, if he realizes all of this.

At 30, three years in, he knows.

She’s young enough to find someone new. He’s old enough to string her along and waste her time. And it’s her place he’s in, which says something too.

Everyone else is assuming the same that she wants kids. As well as assuming he's happy to just waste her fertile years away!

As someone 7.5 years in who has been waiting for her boyfriend to propose who has said he will be doing it soon for 3 years. I very much respect her walking away from someone she wanted to spend her life with. Your son will know whether he wants to and will go and propose, or he will know he doesn’t and will lose her. If it gives any consolation, family friend very happily married with kids had similar situation. She broke it off and came home. She had a great time. He realised he was about to lose the love of his life and it felt awful. He proposed on her door step a month after she walked away. They got married, two children and very happy. He was also a much better husband as knew what it was like to lose her. Op it’s horrible to see your son upset, but he is who to talk to not her.