Page 36 | Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

BruFord · 16/12/2025 03:15

Your son needs to learn from this. His ex partner wanted some agency in the timeline of her life, and he laughed at her. Won't make that mistake again I expect.

^^ I agree with @ShawnaMacallister. When your partner says that they want to commit and you’re not ready, fair enough, but you can’t expect them to hang around waiting for you!

InterIgnis · 16/12/2025 03:27

She may not want kids. It’s entirely possible that she’s dissatisfied in a relationship that’s just drifting.

Do not message her, OP. Not if you actually like your son, anyway. I can’t imagine he’ll want to be known as the man whose mummy tried to get his ex to un-break up with him. Fucking mortifying.

Wearealldoingourbest · 16/12/2025 03:30

They've been together 3 years and he's 30, what on earth was he waiting for?
I also highly doubt this was the first time she raised marriage as something she wants. When men say "the breakup came out nowhere" it almost always means he hasn't been listening.
And "silly timeline stuff" is a totally enraging comment and worth breaking up with him over by itself! Having a life plan is a GOOD thing, especially when it comes to starting a family and building a life together. I think if he actually wants to win her back he should sit down and plan out the next 10 years with her in it, wedding, babies, careers buying a house together etc and see if that lines up with what she wants. 100% team Girlfriend here

GhislaineDeFeligondeRose · 16/12/2025 03:37

Firefly1987 · 16/12/2025 02:37

Why is it a male attitude? It'd put me off as well and I'm a woman. No one on here would tell a 27 year old she was pushed for time marriage and kids-wise, what's the rush?

They are very lucky to have a woman who wants to make a home with him and have his babies.

She doesn't want the bloke though she wants to tick the marriage and kids box. He actually wants HER. But yeah I suppose it's much better her next relationship will probably be with a 40 year old divorced dad of three-hey at least we know he's not a commitment-phobe! Maybe the son is trying to make absolutely sure he doesn't end up as one of the above statistic and it's the right relationship to bring kids into. What a crazy concept in this day and age.

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He's had three years to decide it's the right relationship!. If he doesn't know now no point her waiting around for years on end just in case. She's in the prime of her life now. Ideal time to find someone who wants what she does. Let's hope if she marries in a couple of years he isn't looking on full of regret.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2025 03:52

Yes, YABU.

Your DS got what he deserved. Stringing a woman along with that 'when the time is right' garbage when he's living in her apartment is peak cocklodger behaviour.

She has every right to kick his sorry ass out. I hope her future will be bright, and that she'll have a very happy Christmas.

Judging by your idea of marching over there to talk sense into her, she has dodged a bullet.

mathanxiety · 16/12/2025 03:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2025 03:04

At 30, three years in, he knows.

She’s young enough to find someone new. He’s old enough to string her along and waste her time. And it’s her place he’s in, which says something too.

This.

What a prize he isn't.

pollyglot · 16/12/2025 03:56

If there's anyone you should be "having a word with", OP, it's your idiotic son. He had everything on a plate - lovely GF who loved him before he showed himself to be so foolish and indecisive, a home for life, the prospect of a settled family life, and he goes and blows it. He's 30, heading downhill from a man's best and most desirable years, and with an attitude that will only bring him unhappiness. Vacillation is a most unattractive trait. Bring him up short now with a lecture about growing up.

Thatsalineallright · 16/12/2025 04:03

DeftWasp · 15/12/2025 23:57

I'd say you were slightly deranged myself, rather than hapless.

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She's right though. Ok, you said you're hapless at romance. What are you doing to try to improve? If the answer is nothing then it's clearly a choice you've made. You are happy with the status quo.

Of course, if your significant other doesn't care about romance either then it's all fine. But if you have a partner who likes romantic gestures, then you're choosing to let them down.

Thatsalineallright · 16/12/2025 04:06

Firefly1987 · 16/12/2025 03:09

Everyone else is assuming the same that she wants kids. As well as assuming he's happy to just waste her fertile years away!

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She might just want someone who doesn't dismiss her life plans as "silly".

Bringemout · 16/12/2025 04:11

Firefly1987 · 16/12/2025 02:37

Why is it a male attitude? It'd put me off as well and I'm a woman. No one on here would tell a 27 year old she was pushed for time marriage and kids-wise, what's the rush?

They are very lucky to have a woman who wants to make a home with him and have his babies.

She doesn't want the bloke though she wants to tick the marriage and kids box. He actually wants HER. But yeah I suppose it's much better her next relationship will probably be with a 40 year old divorced dad of three-hey at least we know he's not a commitment-phobe! Maybe the son is trying to make absolutely sure he doesn't end up as one of the above statistic and it's the right relationship to bring kids into. What a crazy concept in this day and age.

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27yr olds don’t need to date 40yr old men. DH proposed quite quickly after we met, he was 35 at the time and he basically said “if you know you know”. You meet someone you believe you can build a life with you can just get on with it. We’ve been married happily for over a decade. It doesn’t take 3years to figure out if you want to be with someone long term. He didn’t want her, in my experience men will propose if they want to. He was stringing her along waiting for something “better”lets be honest. I’m not massively experienced but I’ve had 3 proposals 2 of which were panic proposals.

If she wants a family and for that family to be within a marriage (completely reasonable) she shouldn’t waste her time here. God bless her I wish more women would do this.

pollyglot · 16/12/2025 04:12

And, OP, your wording is very telling..."My ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years . JUST BECAUSE he hasn't proposed yet."

Why do you diminish her decision in such a way? So nasty.

Thatsalineallright · 16/12/2025 04:16

Firefly1987 · 16/12/2025 02:14

Doesn't the "so where are we going" chat put every man off? Regardless, this is mumsnet and if there's a man and a woman in the story the man will always be in the wrong by default. If you're a mother worried about her son's relationship it's best not to post on AIBU.

I really don't think it puts men (or women) off, it just clarifies whether the other person is interested or not.

Discussing life goals/dreams with a partner is completely normal.

The ex asked if he wanted to marry her. He said no not right now. So different goals and priorities, meaning they weren't compatible and it makes sense to break up.

In that sense he didn't do anything wrong. It's calling her ideas silly that is immature and off-putting.

AgentJohnson · 16/12/2025 04:26

He wanted to marry her he wasn't going to just string her along forever

And she knew this how? He was dismissive of her and didn’t respect her enough to address her concerns. I’m so glad she didn’t fall for his desperate last minute’Im about to lose my home’ proposal. It sounds like this wasn’t their first conversation about marriage and his brush off was probably her final straw.

I understand it must be painful watching your child’s upset but your comments suggest that you aren’t respectful of her either. Your son is 30!!!!! If he couldn’t convince or even attempt to convince his gf that they had shared ambitions then that’s on him. Funny how the end of their relationship and being homeless focussed his mind.

Im sorry your son is hurting but his ex gf has done nothing wrong, she didn’t accept his brush off and didn’t fall for his disingenuous proposal, which suggests that she has a lot of sense and is not in need of your patrimony.

Daisymay8 · 16/12/2025 04:40

Many married relationships break down when one of them has seen or met a new person that lights their fire.makes them rethink their present relationship.
Perhaps that happened. And son has missed his chance.

Iris2020 · 16/12/2025 04:48

shuggles · 15/12/2025 22:05

@Thatsalineallright How old are you?

Late 30s.

I ask because it's normal enough if you start dating someone at, say, 20 to wait 7 years before marrying. But if over 25 I'd think it's much more normal to only date a few years before marrying.

If I was to start dating someone today, I would definitely be looking to wait at least 7 - 10 years before marriage. 3 years seems extremely rushed to me.

Why wait? If at 30 and after dating for 3 years you're still not certain if you want to be with this person long term then they're clearly not the one for you (and you're not the one for them).

It's not a case of being uncertain. It's a case of allowing life to proceed and unfold to ensure that the relationship is robust and can withstand stresses before deciding to commit to a once-in-a-liftime union. This is how it's normally done.

It's not and actually mumsnet is full of posters who did what you describe with stories of separation.
Statistics are overwhelmingly in favour of short relationship / engagement periods whe n it comes to marriage durability.

Chai88 · 16/12/2025 04:55

Sounds to me like op is the son, not the mum or ex and he wants to talk some sense into her.

I have a lot of respect for your ex, op. I probably would have waited for you to eventually be ready, as I have no self respect. Good on her, she’s an inspiration.

Steeleydan · 16/12/2025 04:56

OneGreenPoster · 15/12/2025 19:23

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

I'd just keep out of it, talk sense into about what?
Hes been happy to free load off her living in her apartment but won't make a commitment, he can't keep her dangling on the 'when the time is right' rubbish.
I think you're more pissed off he's back living at home,I say good for her making a stand, so many women have been left hanging on the time is right rubbish.

JoshLymanSwagger · 16/12/2025 05:01

@OneGreenPoster Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

No. Not at all unreasonable.
For her sake you really do need to intervene and tell her she'll never find another decent man and will die barren and alone.

She really does need to know exactly how much potential interference from her NOTMIL she's just managed to avoid.

As for your son rushing to a jeweller, panic-buying a ring and then begging her to marry him, I doubt that's going to work.

If only your son hadn't mocked her silly timeline and upset her...oh well.
🙏🏻 I hope in time she finds a man that really does love her and doesn't need to be poked with a big stick to get him to propose.

Steeleydan · 16/12/2025 05:01

notatinydancer · 15/12/2025 21:50

Too little too late. She’ll never know if he only proposed because she dumped him. Also 27 is plenty of time to find someone else.

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Yep agree too little too late, when she had the time line discussion he wasn't keen, now all of a sudden he's going to buy a ring....er probably because its cheaper than having to buy his own place!

Firefly1987 · 16/12/2025 05:09

Bringemout · 16/12/2025 04:11

27yr olds don’t need to date 40yr old men. DH proposed quite quickly after we met, he was 35 at the time and he basically said “if you know you know”. You meet someone you believe you can build a life with you can just get on with it. We’ve been married happily for over a decade. It doesn’t take 3years to figure out if you want to be with someone long term. He didn’t want her, in my experience men will propose if they want to. He was stringing her along waiting for something “better”lets be honest. I’m not massively experienced but I’ve had 3 proposals 2 of which were panic proposals.

If she wants a family and for that family to be within a marriage (completely reasonable) she shouldn’t waste her time here. God bless her I wish more women would do this.

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I don't think loads of men are rushing to marry in their late 20s-hence the 40 year old comment-could be wrong though. It seems pretty young nowadays.

DH proposed quite quickly after we met, he was 35 at the time and he basically said “if you know you know”. You meet someone you believe you can build a life with you can just get on with it. We’ve been married happily for over a decade.

So your DH was a fair bit older than this man and probably at an age where he KNOWS women are starting to panic about commitment (unless you were a decade younger) and he'll have to get a move on. So not sure it proves your point! I expect the difference in those few years between men committing is huge. You could've been in exactly the same situation as this woman if you'd met your DH when you were both young. I guess no one in their twenties together for 3 years really loves their partner then by your logic...

He was stringing her along waiting for something “better”lets be honest.

I'd agree if he didn't seem so upset according to the OP.

AngelicKaty · 16/12/2025 05:11

MyRubyPanda · 15/12/2025 23:26

The problem is your son was acting like a stringer. To not propose after 3 years is a sign, as others have said, when men know they know (my DH took 6 months to propose). But to dismiss her request to know about timelines as 'silly' is a far bigger one.

I'm sorry he's so upset, but this is the price he has to pay for taking her for granted. She's a women and she doesn't get to delay having children the way men do. This was the obvious outcome when he didn't take her seriously.

Edit: sorry its stuck a weird gif in and I can't get rid of it, blame my phone

Edited

But, weirdly, that weird gif is entirely appropriate! 😂

AngelicKaty · 16/12/2025 05:17

MNLurker1345 · 15/12/2025 23:43

Exactly, my DH proposed after 6 months. OP for both your DS and his ex, maybe they weren’t the ‘ones’ and of course it is going to be painful. Maybe they will get back together. Time will tell. But don’t have a word with her. If that is to be let her come to you.

But at 30, is your DS, thinking it is time to get married and start a family. So many PPs saying 27 is so young. Young yes, SO young no! I do understand that in the 21st century the idea of having a child at 27 is weird but it’s not to young to settle down, get married and start a family.

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Yup, it's also not to young to make plans to settle down, marry and start a family, but OP's DS couldn't even be arsed to do that. 🙄
My DH and I knew after just three weeks that we wanted to spend our lives together - 18 months later we were married and we celebrated our 43rd anniversary this year. As so many PPs have said, "When you know, you know".

HoppingPavlova · 16/12/2025 05:17

Starting again at 27 is risky she may now meet anyone for a few years

WTF. She is 27yo. It is in no way risky. I don’t know anyone (women) who married before early 30’s.

G5000 · 16/12/2025 05:22

what's with the 'I hadn't proposed' in the title? Were you planning to post as the son but then realised this is mumsnet and the future MIL is a more believable site user?

SatsumaDog · 16/12/2025 05:22

Stay well out of it op. Like others have said, you don’t know the full story, just what he has chosen to tell you. If this relationship is the one, then they may well find their way back together. If not, then they both move on. Either way, it’s not for you to interfere. All you can do is support your son from a neutral standpoint and let things run their course.