Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

Women leave long before they leave. Her needs were not being met. Simple as. Goes way deeper than a proposal or marriage imho. She was able to go out partying the same night as she was done long ago. Fact he’s distraught should indicate his needs were being met but who wants to be one hand clapping?

Why are you assuming a “better offer has come along”?

What she wanted is for her live-in boyfriend of 3 years to want to marry her so much that he'd ask her without having to bring up a "silly timeline" every few weeks.

What she got was a 30-year-old man too reluctant to even set a time where they might discuss it. She didn't give him an ultimatum, but waited for him to show her he was serious. When he didn't, she broke up with him, and only now that he realizes she meant it ("Wait, you were SERIOUS about that?") has he offered to go and buy her a ring. Which wouldn't guarantee a wedding, but surely made her feel marriage to her wasn't important to him and that he was just pacifying her so he didn't have to leave.

If he couldn't propose eagerly, and with a clear heart, after she let him know she wanted to move forward, she probably doesn't want to be with him at all.

I feel so sorry for this young woman. She must be bitterly disappointed and hurt to end things so close to Christmas. But I think she has good self-esteem. Who wants a proposal they had to break up to get?

and this ^ is the right way to look at it.

Perhaps your son will now discover that it's not the fact that there aren't many nice men about after 30, but that many of the nice girls have been snapped up by that age. The pool of "perfect" partners starts to diminish dramatically, and a man with such a pathetic, entitled attitude as your son will find himself stranded with the also-rans if he's not careful.

hes saying he will ask her because hes been pushed into it-she wanted him to want to get married not because he has to

This! 😂

Oh look! There's another man who has no intention of listening to a woman and just insults her when she calls him out on his BS! Quick, everyone! Catch that rare creature before it gets away! 🤣

You know exactly how to do romance. You just don't want to bother. Because you're all hapless, you. 🤣

Why don't you buy your partner a bunch of flowers right now? You've said you're "totally hopeless" and also "hapless" when it comes to romance, so I assume that some is overdue.

So, I will help you. Here's what you do.

You go to this website: www.interflora.com.

You browse all the pretty flowers. When you see some you like and can afford, you stab the screen with your finger.

Then, you fill in all the interesting numbers on that plastic card in your wallet. It's usually primary-coloured, so that should help.

There will be a big white space where you can type a message. Copy and paste this:

Dear X,
A little something just for you, because you make me glad every day that you're mine. Can't wait to spend Christmas with you. Love, Hapless.

You said you're totally useless with romance, and I have just shown you what to do. No excuse.

Unless you're full of BS, and are not really useless but just don't want to be bothered.

Let me now when you've ordered the flowers! If you're as "totally useless" as you claim at romance, I bet you're really glad of the help!

If this isn’t a reverse, putting ’I’ in the title is a helluva Freudian slip. Keep your nose out.

"I probably would have told her to have another serious conversation with him before leaving.
He wanted to marry her he wasn't going to just string her along forever"

And if she had that conversation with him and he said he refused to give her a rough timeline and called it ridiculous and told her he'd only do it when he saw fit but with zero idea of when or if that might ever be... what then would you tell her??

Because the issue here is that your son has been incapable of having a serious conversation with his partner about their future and dismissed and belittled her attempt to have that conversation.

Seriously, I think OP should stop encouraging her son to have false hope that he can win this woman back. He should have the dignity to move out as soon as he can pack and maybe stay with his parents till he finds a place. Pandering to this self pity of his about how he loved somebody so much when he wasn't in the slightest bit motivated to marry her is doing him no favours. My now husband was prepared to marry me in a religious ceremony (and he wasn't a believer), agree to having children when he wasn't initially keen on having them, get that diamond ring on my finger and set the date. He turned out to be a great dad. My mother ran off to the other side of the world with my father and abandoned her country, faith and family to marry him. These are people who are in love and motivated.

@OneGreenPoster
You've expressed disappointment that your son's gf ended their relationship, and you seem very sincere about that. Rather than talk to her, I think it'd be wiser for you to take the time to understand that this happened because your son didn't ask when he could have at any time.

Young women want committed partners and your ds didn't display any interest in getting married anytime soon. He brushed her concerns off, making it obvious that he wasn't thinking about committing and wasn't willing to have a discussion. It won't help him to tell him she wasn't sure of what she wanted- that's not even true. He needs to accept that he got this all wrong, and that he treated her with disrespect. Only then will he be ready to intelligently discuss this with her or to make a final appeal.

Maybe you could talk with him or find some resources that will explain what happened and why. Encourage your son to come to terms with her feelings and stop blaming her. If he wants another chance he needs to show her he understands and wants to change.

Well if he didn’t want to get married but living in her home. She is right.

he will recover or go creeepung back

Well it IS all his own fault!

she tried to discuss their future together, but he told her her wasn't getting into it. Sometime in the future when he felt like proposing. So she has taken control back of her future

too old/ late to start again. Don't be ridiculous. She's 27. But you think she should have let Golden Biy string her along. You say he wouldn't have & he wanted to marry her. He had the opportunity to have an adult conversation about it. But he didn't, he acted like the Golden Boy you have raised him to feel he is, and he told her it would happen sometime in the future when he was ready.

understandably she's not sitting around waiting...

She wanted to get engaged a few months ago. He didn't and said he'll decide when they get engaged not her. He didnt feel ready, maybe he never would as far as she knew. She was upset as she felt his feelings for her must be less strong than hers for him. She's come to terms with it and now wants someone who after 3 years or less will be just as keen to commit so she feels loved and wanted.

They are still young. Going against the grain, I don't think, if you aren't feeling it, it's a good idea to be pushed into proposing (that could bring up all sorts of issues further down the line). HOWEVER, he should have given her something - I doubt she felt very special to him and she probably thought he might never get round to it or not for a long time (which may have been true) and so re-evaluated their relationship. He's learnt not to take people for granted. Scrabbling around now to get a ring once the horse has bolted isn't particularly attractive IMO.

Likewise, as she isn't now feeling it, then she has every right to end it. Being near to Christmas is neither here nor there. It's not 'cruel', she doesn't want to be with him. OP did you expect her to stay with him out of pity, wanting out and putting on a brave face just because it's nearly Christmas? That's pretty grim.

editted to say: I have 2 DS and they've been through break ups and it's not nice to see them hurting, but there's nothing you can do as a parent other than be caring and supportive. Frankly, if I was you OP, I'd stay well out of it.

OP stay out of it. If you go round there blathering on theres no way she will ever reconsider. I’d run a mile if my exes mum tried to convince me to reconcile the relationship.

My ex was the same as your son. Avoidant of any real commitments. I dumped him as well. It took me a while to get to that point but I did and there was no going back.

You're unreasonable and your son is arrogant.

The girlfriend was being sensible and wasn't unreasonable re timings - Everyone knows women's fertility declines and there are no guarantees re getting pregnant quickly so if his plan was marriage in another 3-5 years she has a right to know and whether she ought to cut her losses. I say this as someone who also ended a 3 yr relationship at a similar age for the same reason . We did eventually get back together but can say for certain, had his mother contacted me to do his bidding or "talk sense into me" I'd have been apoplectic And not entertained getting back together with him.

3 years was long enough to know whether she's "the one" he wants to marry. The "silly" timeline is important at her age. Just because people can have kids later, it's not just for him to decide. In our case once we married it took 9 long years with horrific losses to gave our first child. We're older parents (just had my second at 46) and our main regret is having kids later in life.

I've lost count of the number if threads I've read on here over the years where the guy has promised for years that he did want to marry only to never actually get round to it or renege years down the line having robbed their partner of time to end things and move on.

If I were the girlfriend I also wouldn't want a ring at this stage as a reaction as I'd feel as though I'd bullied the guy into proposing and who would want that. I'd also be wary that he proposed with no real intention of marrying.

Leave the poor girl alone. If he adored her that much he'd have proposed already. He might be able to resolve things but leave them to it.

Keep out of it, you'll cause more stress.
She won't want a desperate lame "Here's a ring are you happy now"
She wanted a down on his knee proper proposal.

Maybe she didn’t want to pretend while seeing friends and relatives over festive period or share her bed with OP’s son when he is not so much into her.
i think she was very kind as she allowed him to stay in her place.

This makes no sense. When you say, yes, for sure, I am going to marry you, you are making a lifelong commitment.

He was saying he is making that commitment on the one hand, no need to worry - while also not being willing to make the commitment.

He may think he is ready to marry her but his own words and action said that he wasn't and he didn't know if he ever would be. He's a fool. And she's realised he is a fool and doesn't love him any more.

One thing I noted is you seem to have a reasonable amount of info their discussions around marriage. If you asked 'are you guys thinking of getting married' and he shared, maybe fair enough.

If he decided to share the detail about her and his views on timelines unprompted, then IMO that's a little immature for a 30 year old man.

Your ds doesn’t have to promise to marry anyone he isn’t sure of. But when his ex raised the subject he should have discussed it like the adult he is. Nobody wants a man to suddenly offer to buy a ring just because he is faced with being single and homeless. She wanted to know what their future plans were and your ds refused to discuss it. You say he wouldn’t have strung her along forever which implies you think he has been stringing her along up until now. Your ds is 30 - no place of his own? You said he can’t come home to you. What has he been doing in his 20s to leave him in such a position? I hope your ds ex reads this and holds her own and maintains her own self worth.
Your ds may well be devastated but there was something in him that stopped him discussing the future with his ex. Maybe he knew that it wasn’t a forever thing and now he is panicking about where to live hence his offer to buy a ring
Your dh is way more on the ball than you are. You should listen to him.

For all she knows, him now saying he'll get a ring is so he can stay in her house. Not very romantic.

His and he's - I can't make out what you are saying.