Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

The exact advice countless women are given on threads here. I doubt OP would tell her daughter, if she has one, to sit around and wait for a proposal, or just to be happy with what she had - uncertainty and all.

Well… she clearly doesn’t want to feel strung along and has decided this is how long she is willing to stay. That’s her right.

He was also insensitive calling it ‘silly timeline stuff’ as it makes her desire for marriage seem small and pathetic when it’s very sensible especially if they want children. She was trying to manage her expectations and life plans and he insulted that and sounded wishy washy.

She didn’t leave him because her friend is single, she left because he wasn’t willing to match her plans in life and they have different values.

Three years is long enough to know if you want to be married. She wants to be engaged after 3 years, your son wants to be engaged at an unknown, random point in the possibly distant future. Those two facts to not work together.

The poster must have missed the select your life partner event when she was 18, have a heart.
I really jsut posted to remind others that shuggles frequently has a very misogynistic take, where women should know their place.

OP, supposing your DS did go out and get a ring tomorrow? How much do you want to bet that he would spend the rest of their married lives holding it over her every time there was an argument. He's behaved like an idiot. And if you intervene, so will you be.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

"Remind her that there isn't that many good men out there"
"Risky to be starting again"

Fuck me these are awful things to be thinking let alone saying to anybody but especially to your son's ex girlfriend!!!

Keep your nose out.

I admire on the face of your first post - good for her

I hear so many males saying when I feel ready..why do they get to decide!!

and NO it’s not your business

Thank goodness you've confirmed it - I thought I'd picked up on the sarcasm (I think it was your use of the word "slattern" that did it for me! 😂 )

She’s good enough for him to shag and live in her house but not worthy of a respectful conversation about a timeline for actual commitment.

Good for her for locating her standards.

Exactly. The ring is just to shut her up, and string her along for several more years it’s not coming from a genuine place and any idiot can see that. The OP then has the audacity to say the now ex doesn’t know what she wants.

The op is saying her son is a good man, but she could also be a good woman that knows her worth, it seems the OP son isn’t the catch SHE thinks he is so why this is all about her son being fantastic and the woman not knowing a good thing as if she can’t ever find another man is beyond me.

She is very clear on what she wants, and she’s not prepared to entertain nonsense as her actions have proven. I actually applaud her, too many women waste their time and best years on useless men
as if we all want to wait until we are late 30s/40 odd to have children and wanting to raise a toddler or teenager in our menopause phase which is hell in itself without the added joys of parenting young/school age children 🙄

I did wonder. But you were very straight faced 😉

If I were her I'd throw him out.

Good for her. She knows exactly what she wants. He's refused to engage in any serious conversation about their future and is quite happy to string her along and then dismissed her valid attempts to discuss future planning, and then he begrudgingly offers to propose when essentially forced and she has had enough self esteem to tell him where to go and has been able to recognise that she deserves someone who actively wants to marry her and who won't string her along. And in all of that she's had the grace and empathy to allow this drain on her life the chance to sort himself out with housing instead of just kicking him out. I'm 110% on her side all day long in this.

As a mother of a son, to a mother of a son I'm going to ask you why tf are you enabling your son at 30 to act like a man child and treat a great partner badly and think it's ok for him to waste her fertile years? Why you think it's remotely acceptable for him to make a unilateral decision as to when THEY get married and have kids etc with no communication with his partner? And why you think she's the one you need to talk sense into? I hope this is a serious life lesson for your son as to how mature relationships work.

May that type of love never find me.

It sounds like there was not much love in the relationship on her part.

So she has to put up with an engagement being a second thought? He’s only decided to buy a ring when he’s realised she’s leaving him and he’d be all alone and is trying to make her stay.
She knows exactly what she wants and it’s not your flaky son who has only decided he wants to marry when he’s realised he’s going to be alone. She didn’t want to wait around for good knows how long before he decided she was good enough to marry. He gambled and lost

she might not or she might meet someone who actually gives a cares more about her than your perfect son

the marriage is a red herring, she's just not that into him

Good for her. She's not confused at all. It's not risky 😂

Me too so she’s nicer than us. 😅

It’s probably for the best in the long run. They’re both still young. He will be okay once the shock passes.

OP, I haven’t read all the posts but have read all of yours so I don’t know if this has been asked before but you don't seem to have addressed this.

Can you, hand on heart, tell us what you would have said to her if she was your daughter, not your son ? If a man had strung her along telling her that he wanted to marry but getting engaged and setting a timeline was silly and he’d do it when it suited him. Really, would you have told her to stick in there with someone who wasn’t prepared to commit ? You’re the one saying her time is short so why would she waste it on him ?Seriously, if that was your daughter ?????

I had to chuckle about this response of yours; addressing only the practicality of him not moving back in with you, not any of the other issues. To be honest I think she’s being a bit soft to allow him to stay until after Christmas.

She's 27, it's been 3 years and she's told him that she wants to be married. He's had long enough to think about it. I was married at 27. I think when you're in a long relationship with no plan of engagement in sight, it becomes meaningless. It also feels embarrassing when your friends are all engaged except you. If your son loves her and wants her back, he should reach out to her.

maybe the Ex has been influenced in some way by her friend. Maybe she sees her friend meeting decent men & thinks I dont have to
stick with Mr living in my apartment, dismissive of my wants & dreams , scornful, unkind golden balls. I'm only 27 I have other options

Oh, she knows what she wants.

It just isn't a man who refuses to discuss commitment after 3 years, and then panic-guilty proposes engagement after he's been dumped.

She deserves better than that.

I think she’s really clear - it’s good - she has t done anything wrong - how long is he gonna wait if he’s 30

shes completely right to take hold of her future

you don’t need to tell her how much he loves her - that’s his job and I’m sure he’s said it

maybe that they are in her apartment too
too was all a bit where is this going? Is he committed?

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

How fucking patronising. Why do you think she needs to hear what you have to say?