Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

3 years is plenty of time to know if you want to marry that person. Even more so if you are already living together.

Most men know in the first 6 months but just wait a bit.

3 years is a long time biologically if your wanting babies. Another 3 years she’s 30. Then the clocks really getting close to counting down rather than just ticking.

And that is fine too. Your husband presumably grew up a bit quicker than OP's baby boy who hasn't worked it out at 30. It is generally true though that 'older' couples who want to marry and have kids will not hang about because they can't.

This.

If you go near her with your completely unasked for opinion, I sincerely hope she has a mother like me who tells her to block you all.

Only a low class woman would dream of intervening in this.
None of your business.
Your son doesn't sound like any prize with his response.
She has realised she can do better clearly.

Oh dear another future MIL who's raised a man child with a serious case of 'failure to launch'.

He's 30yrs old and can't give a timeline on an engagement while living in 'her' apartment, that he's going to return to.....

You must be so embarrassed OP.

Haha 7-10 years? How old were your friends when they started dating? I was 30 when I met DH and he was 40. If we’d have waited that long it would have been too late for us to have children.

He had 3 years to propose, and a nudge, but didn't. Good for her for having standards! I wouldnt want a pity proposal either. We MNers see so many posts by women saying "ive been with my partner for xx years, we discussed marriage, he said yes some day but it's not materialising" - thats what would have happened with your dear sons relationship if his ex didn't take matters into her own hands. No ring on the finger - don't linger (and I say so as an unmarried woman!)

i suspect within a year she’ll have a ring on her finger from another man!

Funnily enough, I also know someone this exact thing happened to. I would say “I wonder if we’re thinking of the same people?” But I fear this exact scenario is waaaaay more common than people realise!

Oh, but there are. There are LOADS of good men out there, and she's given herself time to get over this relationship, and then shop around for a nice bloke who's on the same page, and get to know him properly before committing and starting a family (if that's what she wants). She's a wise woman.

He is 30 and wouldnt give her a "silly timeline" so patronising. I would rather risk not meeting anyone than still not being engaged after another year with your son.

He should have gave her an idea of his intentions and future plans. Not fair to have her hanging around for 1 or 5 or 10 years as he wont share what his plans are.

what do you call 3 years and living together nowadays, casual dating?

Too little too late. He made his position clear and not in a very nice way. I wonder how he phrased the 'proposal', I hope with an apology for being an idiot and that he can't imagine life without her and please marry me. Or was it more like if that's what you want I'll buy a ring....

Thank God she doesn’t think like you then and values herself. She might not meet someone for another decade, but she’s obviously prepared to wait for someone who knows he wants her and makes it clear, and good for her! Three years is a long enough relationship to know what you want from it. If he doesn’t want to get married right now then that’s 100% his right, but she’s allowed to move on and find someone who shares her values and wants what she wants.

My jaw dropped when I saw your post that your ds is 30. 😳
THIRTY. Stay out of his personal life. Do not try and "talk sense" into the ex-gf. 🤦‍♀️
You are taking helicopter parenting to a new level, though. So, here's your medal 🥇
and please, for the love of God,
Cut. The. Cord. ✂️

She wants to get married, he doesn't feel ready yet. She's thinking if she wants children she might want her first in her early 30s, by which time he still might not be ready.

She probably doesn't want to get engaged on the back of their discussion because she made her needs very clear, she wanted to think about marriage. He made his very clear, he doesn't want it yet. If they get engaged now she'll always wonder if it was forced on her side and could store up problems later.

Leave them alone and don't get involved. If it was meant to be they will work it out.

If she's wanting to be single just because her friend is, it doesn't sound like a healthy adult dynamic anyway, but somewhat immature.

She’s obviously been thinking about it and decided he isn’t what she wants. It only requires one party to end a relationship before marriage. There’s no contract, she doesn’t need a reason or his agreement, and hurtful though it is for your son, if after 3 years she doesn’t love him then she’s doing exactly the right thing for everyone involved.

And stop with the “it’s risky starting again at 27” and “there aren’t many good men” lines. She shouldn’t settle. She shouldn’t stay with a man because she’s scared she won’t find someone else, she definitely shouldn’t bring children in to the world with someone she doesn’t love because she’s worried she won’t find someone to breed with before it’s too late. These sorts of myths are responsible for so many bad relationships, ridiculous and untrue nonsense that make women undervalue themselves and trap them with men the aren’t suited to.

What a foolish girl, OP! Sorry you’re having to deal with this. Sounds like she’s been influenced by that best pal of hers - who does sound like a bit of a slattern tbh…a bit like Louise Rednapp when she was on Strictly, these girls do get their head turned and think the grass is greener. Silly, silly girls who are gonna end up weeping each night to their cats.

@HighLadyofTheNightCourt Haha 7-10 years? How old were your friends when they started dating? I was 30 when I met DH and he was 40. If we’d have waited that long it would have been too late for us to have children.

Many of them started their relationships as teenagers.

If you intended to have children, I'm a bit confused as to why you would wait until 30 to select a partner. If you selected someone earlier, then it would not have been necessary to rush marriage.

This song comes to mind…

On the contrary, OP, she knows exactly what she wants - a man who loves her enough to want to commit to her without being put under duress; someone who puts a ring on her finger without ever having to be asked because he shares her desire to build a shared life together. Not someone who regards her priorities as some ‘silly timeline’ and refuses to engage in a grown-up discussion about the future.

You seem affronted that she’s made the choice to do this right now, but why the hell should she have to pretend to be having a lovely happy Christmas just so your son can maintain his oblivious facade of ‘everything’s fine’? She’s probably heartbroken that a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with has basically shown her exactly how important her feelings are to him.

How old are you? I ask because it's normal enough if you start dating someone at, say, 20 to wait 7 years before marrying. But if over 25 I'd think it's much more normal to only date a few years before marrying. Why wait? If at 30 and after dating for 3 years you're still not certain if you want to be with this person long term then they're clearly not the one for you (and you're not the one for them).

Proposals are a bit outdated in some ways. The man seems to get to decide when to get married. He didn’t give her a time scale and she acted. She is 27 she is ready. There’s a control element to the fact that women are expected to just wait and see which I don’t think is fair or equal.

She told him what she needs in life, he said according to you 'timeline stuff is silly' which is not only an opposite life want but literally condescending, immature and rude and so she said goodbye. He didn't want to commit to her so she called off her commitment to him... which removed all his nice perks.

Honestly sounds like you are mad at her because she has all her ducks in a row like a mature adult and he has failed at that. Now he has to move out of HER apartment and I wager you're a little worried he will likely wish to cock lodge back into your nest.

Shes not his mother, its not her job to 'put up' with him being undecided on the relationship indefinitely.

A friends’s daughter had similar, was in her early 30s, wanted commitment , but boyfriend told her he didn’t want to settle down yet.. After 5 years. She ended it, he was apparently devastated. She then met someone within the year, now married and living with him in Australia

Has your son any dignity at all? He's staying in his exs apartment over Christmas.

He should move out.