Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

30!!!! That’s a big number for you to still be stepping in for him. I thought maybe early 20s at a push. If he’s that upset he should be approaching her (not sending his mom!!)

I wouldn’t be hanging about if my timeline didn’t match his, and I wouldn’t want a proposal under duress either. Looks like he’s missed the boat on this one.

Haven’t read Tft, this a reverse?

Was about to write something similar.

Good for her. As far as she’s concerned, he’s stringing her along. She’s getting out now whilst she’s young to start afresh with someone else. Team ex-girlfriend.

He isn't moving back in with me. He's going back to her apartment until after Christmas and then he'll have to move somewhere else unfortunately.

She's 27 not 67! 27 is young to be settling down and I don't blame her for rejecting your DS's suggestion to run out and buy a ring. She knows he'll only be doing it because he thinks that he should, rather than because he wants to.

And for the love of God, keep out of it! You contact her to tell her what a catch your DS and how lucky she is to have him, they'll never reconcile. Just comfort him while he's upset and keep your opinions to yourself.

Do people really think like that these days?

@OneGreenPoster also - like you think your son is a prize?

Most young women would sooner be alone than with the wrong man nowadays (thank goodness) - something a fairly substantial MN contingent are yet to learn.

I love this for her.

Smart girl.

Wake up to yourself. Wanting to tell her she can't get another nice man because she is 27 and there are not many nice men around is ... well.... pathetic.

She wanted to plan her life - which presumably was marriage, children. At 27, that’s very reasonable. He called a timeline silly - how was she to know whether he would be future faking / stringing her along for years to come? He shouldn’t have called a timeline silly IMO. He should have engaged with her life plans - the consequences of not doing so are for him to be dumped. By not engaging, he seriously upset her. Now he’s offering the ring/timeline, but only after having been dumped - making it seem like he’s only doing it because of the dumping.

Well I mean she could have proposed if she wanted to be engaged but YABVU to get involved! She ‘s 27 so she isn’t exactly desperate to find a new man, she can have some fun.

As for your son OP, they were together for 3 years, he is 30 and they are living together - why didn’t he want to get engaged?!

Yes because he fucked up…no one wants a bloody pity proposal…she wanted him to WANT it too!!

Team girlfriend. She wanted commitment, he wasnt ready, she is not obliged to wait and see when or if he may be ready.
Just be there for your son, leave her alone (she will think you're weird, he will be mortified).
They will both be fine.

I read your post thinking they were maybe in their early 20s - now I’ve seen their ages she’s well within her right to, after 3 years with a now 30 year old man who hasn’t proposed, want to move on.

So your son has had a gf for 3 years, they live together (in her apartment) she wants to move things forward and get married and has said ok I need a timeline. She wants to settle down and probably have children in her early 30's if she wants to be married first she'd need to get engaged about now to plan a wedding, get it all booked for 2-3 years time and then possibly have a baby after a year or 2. Her timeline is bang on.

I say good for her, she's laid her cards out on the table and said what she wants, your son has basically said he has no idea when he wants to get married or settle down, she's said "ok fine see you, I'm 27 so I have time to meet someone else who does want to settle down, I'm not wasting anymore time on you saying "I'll do it when it feels right".

I'm not really sure what you speaking to her is going to do exactly? She's hardly going to stick around waiting for your son to decide when the time feels "right", and even if he did propose tomorrow she'd be an idiot to say yes, he isn't going to marry her anytime soon, he has no intention of, he's just thinking of his housing situation.

Well OP if starting again at 27 is "risky" at 27 it's lucky she didn't wait another moment. I was in a vaguely similar situation at 26. This has got nothing to do with her close female friend becoming single. I think your son's ex knows exactly what she wants and it's not your son. Anyway, within the year, after wasting time with a man who had no intention of marrying me anytime soon, I had a substantial diamond ring on my finger and was engaged to somebody who couldn't wait to marry me and we've been married over 30 years. She is lovely you say, not quite a crone at 27 and has her own apartment. I don't imagine she'll be single for long. I do have sons and I've told them that they shouldn't waste years of a woman's time if they don't think she's the one for them because it's unreasonable callous behaviour..

Are we going to forget about the Single White Female friend who has bewitched your son's girlfriend to throw him out?! I love how that's your best rationale for how this happened - clearly it's someone's fault, and it can't possibly be your son's.

OP, you are doing exactly what your son has done, refusing to LISTEN to her or take her seriously. It's all put up and shut up, as long as you can secure her compliance who cares how she's feeling. Your son will probably tell friends he has no idea why she's gone, everything was hunkydory then she suddenly grew snakes all over her head and banished him from the kingdom.

If you MUST get involved, please help your son to respect his girlfriend's wishes, reflect on what she has told him and the part he played, and move on.

So he is a fully functional adult able to live away from home yet you think you his mother needs to talk to his ex like they are both 12?

If he wanted to marry her he would have done before it is not rocket science

If you press the other option it will change your vote

Fucking hilarious. Where do they live? The middle of a desert? Of course she will easily find a new fella if she applies herself to the task. You said yourself she dumped him and got ready to go out partying.

Why should she accept a shut up ring?

I don’t understand why you are so invested in this? Your DS doesn’t really want to marry her right now anyway. So it’s no loss either way. Their needs are incompatible. Are you just pissed off about him moving back home?

It's probably better for both of them if they split up. Then they can both find a relationship that suits them. Marriage is not important to everyone.

Sorry what out dated and ridiculous language is this?!!!

This!

I am in awe of her! Great woman who knows what she wants & knows her own worth and isn’t sitting around waiting for a man to propose!

Sorry your DS is upset but that’s life.

He knew she wanted to talk about the future and he refused to engage in a conversation and left her waiting until he decided what their future would look like. She absolutely did the right thing and your DS has had a good life lesson.

In which case she’s being very very kind and reasonable in letting him
stay while he finds himself alternate accommodation.

If you call her to upbraid her she’ll be perfectly reasonable to change her mind and throw him out.

Hold your peace.