Son dumped by girlfriend because I hadn't proposed

[OneGreenPoster]

Out of the blue on Saturday my ds was dumped by his girlfriend of 3 years.
Just because he hasn't proposed yet.
He's absolutely devastated, as far as he was concerned they were very happy together

A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged.
He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right.
She was upset at the time, but it was left at that.
Then on Saturday she sits him down and tells him it's over! Just before Christmas which I think is very cruel
He said she ended it and then went to get ready for a Christmas party! I wouldn't have thought she could be so cold.
I know her best friend is newly single so we suspect she may have pushed her to do this
I now have a devastated son at my house not knowing what to do

It's her apartment they live in so he also got to find somewhere to live after Christmas on top of this

Am I being unreasonable if I contact her and talk some sense into her?

Sounds like she knows what she wants, he wasn't willing to have a discussion about it or indicate he is serious about committing to her and she has taken him at his word and ended things because she doesn't want to play at happy families over Christmas with someone who doesn't want what she wants.

It's easy for your son to say he'llpropose now she's gone, but in her shoes would you eally accept a proposal from someone who is only proposing as a knee jerk reaction, right after a conversation where he confirmed he wasn't willing to talk about a timeline? I wouldn't.

@OneGreenPoster Don't speak to her OP. You're not impartial in this and it's literally none of your business - at 27 and 30 they're adults.
And it's totally unfair of you to claim she's been "cruel" to dump him just before Christmas - she gave him fair warning judging by your first post: "A few months ago she did ask him if he wanted to marry her and he said of course he does in the future, but she asked him for a rough timeline of when he might want to get engaged. He told her he wasn't doing any of that silly timeline stuff and he would do it when the time was right. She was upset at the time, but it was left at that."
They'd been together long enough to have an adult conversation about future plans, but he dismissed her with his "silly timeline" comment and saying he "would do it when the time was right" - yeah, for him - he didn't even consider when the time was right for her despite her raising the topic and being upset when he was so non-committal.
So, now she's dumped him all of a sudden he can go out and buy a ring tomorrow? Do you know how that will make her feel OP? Clue: like she had to blackmail him into getting engaged. If I were her, I wouldn't want that either.
Sorry OP, but your DS blew it. He took her for granted and forgot that she has choices too. The best thing you can do now is support him emotionally through the break-up (and maybe allow him to move back in with you for a short time while he looks for alternative accommodation).

And 'no', she didn't end the relationship because she has a friend who is newly single!
She knows what she wants. She wanted her partner of 3 years to show that he actually wanted a future with her, and wasn't planning to drift along with no real plan for their future. She wanted someone who doesn't view discussing a time for when they might get engaged or married, as 'silly', and she doesn't want someone who suddenly says he'll buy a ring the minute she walks away.
If you must talk sense into someone, perhaps have a conversation with your son, about why he felt unable to commit to the woman he was apparently committed to.

I can see her point.

He is taking about the time is right....for who?

They've lived together for 3 years. Whats stopping him

Ot sounds as though she knows exactly what she wants - a sensible man who respects her as his equal partner - not a misogynistic commitment phobic man child who calls her silly and tells her that he'll be the one to decide what happens in the relationship and when and her role is to wait and hope and not expect an equal role in planning her own life...

She's quite right that a man like that who then offers to buy a ring under duress probably won't want to actually commit to a wedding date nor change the fundamental attitude he revealed in the conversation about "silly timelines" and her not getting any say in planning their joint future...

He obviously needs tome to grow up despite being 30 - hopefully he'll treat any future girlfriend as an equal unless he wants to be living with you, in his childhood bedroom, in ten years time.

She's sensible
She's mature enough to have her own flat
Boyfriend moved in.

3 years into relationship he can't commit to saying when he'll be ready for marriage
She's waited long enough so she's moved on.
Can't say I blame her

Hope she meets someone at the works party.

Poor her having him still in her place till after Christmas.

Everyone's covered it, team girlfriend, and I hope he realises how stupid he was to dismiss her feelings on the future of their relationship. The pity engagement plan only cements what she already knew, that he was a waster. I would buy her a pint!

Women leave relationships emotionally well before we leave physically.
She made her choice when he described her wants as silly.
Good for her.

Oh and good for her not accepting the desperation ring!

I can see her point.

He is taking about the time is right....for who?

They've lived together for 3 years. Whats stopping him

I do .

My husband and I got married after one year and been married 35 years.

Prize turnip?

Good for her and yes of course the needs and wants of both parties matter in a relationship.

If he actually wants to marry her, he will need to win her back, and convince her that he actually wants to marry her.

I am sure it’s not beyond him to do that if he so wishes.

I could have been this woman. Except we’d lived together for 5 years. He did actually propose eventually but I was mentally preparing to leave. She did the right thing.

I think it is fair enough to expect your partner to want to marry you not just say it to keep you. It sounds like you have heard half the story, I wonder how many times the conversation was had about marriage, it’s obviously something she wants more than him and rather than force him to marry her she has ended it. Good for her.

Remind her there aren't many good men out there?

Bloody hell.

She is 27 so has to settle for him because she is Quaziimodo and she has an evil friend who is to blame because he cant get off his backside and get married, ok then

"A shut up ring" – that's exactly it!

I suspect these comments didn’t go the way you expected, OP

Good for her for knowing her worth and standing firm on what she wants for the future.

Can't say I blame her

She's 27 ffs. Not 37.

Your son wouldn't even have a discussion with her whilst living in her apartment after 3 years. He is another entitled male who didn't appreciate or respect his partner at all.

So she asked her long term boyfriend who is in his 30s what his plans are. And he said that basically..none of her business what his plans are?

Sorry... he only had 3 years...

I'm really confused about how everyone on this thread is expecting this man to have proposed on an extremely short and accelerated timeline. They were only in a relationship for 3 years.

Why does it need to be so rushed? Normally when relationships are that rushed, they do not last.

It would be typical for people to be in a relationship for much longer before getting married. Most people I know who are married were in a relationship for at least 7 - 10 years, or for even longer, before proposing.

She does know what she wants... And it isn't a pity proposal.

I don't think a meddling MIL high on her list either.

Your son is lucky she's willing to let him stay through Christmas tbh.

He's FA and now he's FO