Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

[1973vintage]

AIBU to find pretty much all my female friends such moaning whingers now we’re in our fifties?

I invited some friends over last night for a few drinks and easy food. I’d pulled out the stops and bought champagne and nice snacks because a couple of them have been experiencing tough life events recently (divorce, family estrangement, bereavement) so wanted them to feel looked after and special.

OMG the whole lot of them whinged all evening. I wouldn’t have minded if we’d listened to the serious personal problems but they brought up: bad backs, aching hips, who’s died recently - people we barely knew so it felt like gossip, not being able to afford a cruise next year (FFS), how our nearest city has gone downhill, bad tempered husbands, car problems, menopausal migraines…..to mention a few. I kept trying to think of ways to lighten the mood and suggest easy solutions like go to the gym, see the gp, go somewhere else on holiday etc but every one f the seven of them was intent on whinging. I felt so deflated and depressed when they left. They didn’t want answers, just wanted a whinge fest. I wish I hadn’t made the effort and just stayed on my own with telly and wine.

Is this normal now we’re this age, menopausal and early or mid fifties? Do I need to make new friends?!?

YANBU - yes I have noticed my fifty something female friends draining me much more recently
and I agree that it’s depressing
YABU - it’s just your own social circle, get a grip and make new friends who add to your life not drain you of your energy

i think, as you say, they are a group with serious problems which makes it hard to look on the bright side.

on the other hand I do agree that people are miserable as hell nowadays and do have a tendency to moan in a generalised way about things people literally never used to talk about because they had more interesting lives when we were more prosperous

Yes maybe it’s a reflection of general unhappiness in wider world but it’s put me off doing anything like that again.

Urgh. What a grim bunch, I'd give them a swerve and I'm a pensioner knocking 70.

I know we do talk more about our health, or rather our health problems - when bits start to wear out it's not something that's easy to be breezy about - but if that's all they can talk about then definitely move on.

This is not normal to have a whole night of whinging! Usually meet ups have a bit of folk getting stuff off their chest but interspersed with laughter and jokes . If it's all doom and gloom then what's the point of meeting up.

Not 50 yet, bit menopausal. We'd discuss those things but there would be an edge of amusement to the conversation. A little wry.

My friends and I cover these topics and laugh a lot while doing so. Maybe not the bereavement, but my mum died last year and the conversations were uplifting and heart-warming.

Yes it’s had a knock on effect on my mood today. I feel a bit tearful actually but it’s also been a bit of a wake-up call to change things in my life.

No no amusement to be had anywhere! We hadn’t even been drinking gin. I could feel the life being sucked out of me.

Possibly change your friends op, they do sound emotionally draining. Not everyone is like that.

Agree with this - moaning is fine in my 40-something social group but (unless really serious, and sometimes even then) it is generally amusing moaning. Your friends sound quite dull and I'm not surprised you're not keen to host again soon.

I've got a friend like this. The older we get, the more she dramatically moans about nothing. I've very much distanced her because it made me miserable and irritable.

We do talk about these kinds of things when I meet up with other friends, but it's more like stupid related stories about putting something daft in the fridge, then we'll laugh and be "god we're so old". These are the things in our lives but it's about the way you say it I guess.

Just back with spending time with a friend we're both in our fifties and it was a mix between serious things and light-hearted chat. I think if you and your friends only talk about serious stuff and problems without any light-hearted joking around at all that would be draining and depressing.

I tried hard, as did another friend who cottoned on to me not enjoying the mood, to lighten things but a couple of them in particular kept dragging the mood back to doom and gloom 😠

It does feel depressing lately, I’ve found I don’t want to talk to people much because apart from counting my blessings, (there’s always someone worse off) there’s not much to be positive about. Things just seem to be getting worse and we are all aching and tired which doesn’t help. I miss the fun conversations where everyone had a laugh and things weren’t so serious.

I don’t think you necessarily need new friends.

Sometimes, you just need a damn good whinge. I bet they all had a great night! It sucks that it wasn’t the vibe you were looking for, but presumably they aren’t always like this, or you would have dropped them ages ago?
I’d give it a few more meet-ups before ditching them. Don’t be a fair-weather friend.

Don't worry, OP. You just didn't understand 'the game'.

The game last night was Look How Terrible My Life Is.

You were not playing it right by trying to give solutions to the problems.

I’m a bit like this. I just find that day to day I plaster on a smile and get on with things but when I get a chance to see my friends I use the opportunity to let it all out 😆 most of them do the same so we are good company for each other. I’d find it really irritating if one kept dismissing me or giving me ways they think I could improve things.. if there were easy solutions I have already tried them and they don’t work!

I'm early 50s, and yes I whinge a fair bit with my friends but we do it in a funny, self-deprecating way - it's never depressing. And then by the end of the night we're usually dancing around the kitchen to 80s indie pop!

I think with really good friends, there needs to be a balance. Of course you talk about serious stuff but I couldn't hack constant doom and gloom.

Over the past few years I have experienced the loss of all the people who had a parental role in my life, estrangement from one of my children and my husband has had a life changing medical event from which he will never fully recover.

My friends and I share the good times and the bad. One always tries to find a positive slant. "At least you've been able to..." But if you think that it is helpful to "suggest easy solutions like go to the gym", you are really invalidating how people feel.

what did you want to talk about?

But I agree with pps that the last thing you need when you want a good old moan is someone 'helpfully' coming up with 'solutions'.

Not normal at all in my circle. We have such a laugh socially !!!

Sometimes we get together and whinge, sometimes we get together and laugh. Surely that's just normal in friendships? I can't believe people are suggesting dumping them because of it.

I'm a few years younger but had my friends over for dinner last weekend and it was nothing at all like that. We range from 46-52 and we laughed, drank, ate, even played a game. We lost track of time and they ended up staying until 2.30am. The day after I was tired but happy and energised. I think it's your friends who are the problem, well at least 2 of them.

Are you my friend :) This is exactly how it should be.