Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

[1973vintage]

AIBU to find pretty much all my female friends such moaning whingers now we’re in our fifties?

I invited some friends over last night for a few drinks and easy food. I’d pulled out the stops and bought champagne and nice snacks because a couple of them have been experiencing tough life events recently (divorce, family estrangement, bereavement) so wanted them to feel looked after and special.

OMG the whole lot of them whinged all evening. I wouldn’t have minded if we’d listened to the serious personal problems but they brought up: bad backs, aching hips, who’s died recently - people we barely knew so it felt like gossip, not being able to afford a cruise next year (FFS), how our nearest city has gone downhill, bad tempered husbands, car problems, menopausal migraines…..to mention a few. I kept trying to think of ways to lighten the mood and suggest easy solutions like go to the gym, see the gp, go somewhere else on holiday etc but every one f the seven of them was intent on whinging. I felt so deflated and depressed when they left. They didn’t want answers, just wanted a whinge fest. I wish I hadn’t made the effort and just stayed on my own with telly and wine.

Is this normal now we’re this age, menopausal and early or mid fifties? Do I need to make new friends?!?

YANBU - yes I have noticed my fifty something female friends draining me much more recently
and I agree that it’s depressing
YABU - it’s just your own social circle, get a grip and make new friends who add to your life not drain you of your energy

The funny thing is that the cheery optimistic party people on this thread seem a bit sneery and not very nice!

Some “ life events aren’t nice. I’ve been diagnosed with 2 incurable cancers. Whilst I try to be positive and cheery most days, gruelling treatment and having no hair, lashes or brows, gets me down. I would probably drain the life from you too OP, sorry!

I think I agree.

I think there’s a place for real honesty amongst friends. A ‘stop being a moaning minnie’ is fine. Tonight we forget!

I'm 50 and had a SCA 6months ago, was dead, coma, ICU and intensive recovery for 3months and wont be fully recovered for at least 2 years.

But i avoid all my female friends now because i dont want to talk it about and dont want to hear about everyone elses health probs, especially menopause!!

Find new friends, we arent all moaners i promise!!

We don't upvote or downvote on here.

Oh dear @Santahol I don’t think you read my first post properly. Never mind, carry on ranting inappropriately.

🙄 Reddit is that way 👉

....that's not an upvote or downvote though?

It's just...a vote.

Yes or No. YABU/YANBU on the OP's q only.

Upvote/downvote is like on reddit as a way of indicating how many people agree with each individual response not the overall query posted by the OP. 'up'votes usually then appear higher in the thread. Think about it logically, there can't be up/down votes on MN because there's no up or down for them to go! The term wouldn't/doesn't make any sense without the specific context.

Remembering alcohol is a depressant I wouldn't serve any without food to accompany it.

Different venues have different expectations - at home with friends could easily look like an opportunity to bond by whining about everyday life stuff especially if the group doesn't (yet) feel close enough to go to the big stuff.

Going for dinner in a restaurant might be better re less whining with that group (and obviously easier for you to leave than if you're hosting).

We can set events up and have an idea of how we'd like them to go but all the other people involved are autonomous people with their own ideas /expectations/ stuff going on not pawns to be fitted into a master plan (you could try being more explicit about the atmosphere you're trying to create if you organise something similar with a different group in the future and you may find people decide not to come to avoid messing up the atmosphere - which might be good unless you're left with only a couple of attendees).

I’m in my 50s and I dint have this with my friendship group. They are great fun and rarely moan.
They occasionally gossip about people in our village but when we get together it’s good fun.

It’s easy to say this isn’t it when your life is going great but that’s not the case for everyone. Life isn’t all sunshine and sparkly things, people are having a tough time and time with friends is your time to feel safe to speak and share. It’s a shame you didn’t get this OP.

I'm in two minds. Happy to listen and help if someone having hard times. But utterly fed up of some who aren't just being a miserable whinge bag. My middle sister is one. "That was rubbish, I wouldn't pay for that again! ". Nice to see you too you miserable old goat.

Personally I get together with my mates to have a break from the misery of life. People that complain endlessly, end up getting swerved a fair bit.

When life isnt going great is the exact time you need to be in uplifting company and have a laugh or a giggle - its literally therapeutic.

When I feel low and heavily burdened by the world the last thing I want to hear is other people moaning for hours on end about minor complaints.

I get that and a good balance is needed for sure. The post left me wondering if OP was irritated because it wasn’t all about her 🤔

Life gets more complex often as we get older, aging parents, issues with the kids, marriage issues, menopause or other serious health issues. If you can't talk to your friend about these things then who can you? I agree that it can't all be doom and gloom but also you can't micromanage people to get the vibe you want.

But she clarified this:

In my first post I made clear that:
I wouldn’t have minded if they wanted to talk about the serious things (ie - divorce, bereavement etc) but we had: bad back, achey hips etc etc…
Yes, I have suffered horrendous life experiences but it wasn’t the sad, awful issues they focused on last night, and which as I said in my first post I would have been glad to support them with, it was the mundane stuff of midlife and my goodness did some of them go on endlessly

Sounds like she is there to support her friends with serious issues but they spent the entire evening whining about mundane things. Thats really rude considering she tried to make a lovely evening for them all. Therefore, it wasnt balanced at all - just complaints

Not sure I would be able to fill a night with moaning about a bad back so goodness knows what was going on. Sounds like everyone was on a downer.

This. Everyone needs to vent without being shut down.