Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

[1973vintage]

AIBU to find pretty much all my female friends such moaning whingers now we’re in our fifties?

I invited some friends over last night for a few drinks and easy food. I’d pulled out the stops and bought champagne and nice snacks because a couple of them have been experiencing tough life events recently (divorce, family estrangement, bereavement) so wanted them to feel looked after and special.

OMG the whole lot of them whinged all evening. I wouldn’t have minded if we’d listened to the serious personal problems but they brought up: bad backs, aching hips, who’s died recently - people we barely knew so it felt like gossip, not being able to afford a cruise next year (FFS), how our nearest city has gone downhill, bad tempered husbands, car problems, menopausal migraines…..to mention a few. I kept trying to think of ways to lighten the mood and suggest easy solutions like go to the gym, see the gp, go somewhere else on holiday etc but every one f the seven of them was intent on whinging. I felt so deflated and depressed when they left. They didn’t want answers, just wanted a whinge fest. I wish I hadn’t made the effort and just stayed on my own with telly and wine.

Is this normal now we’re this age, menopausal and early or mid fifties? Do I need to make new friends?!?

YANBU - yes I have noticed my fifty something female friends draining me much more recently
and I agree that it’s depressing
YABU - it’s just your own social circle, get a grip and make new friends who add to your life not drain you of your energy

I'd change things up a little in future then. It sounds like an incompatibility, to me. I use meetups with friends as a distraction from any rubbish going on in my life. I might mention it briefly but I don't really want to talk about it in depth or at length and I don't particularly want to listen to everyone else's tales of woe either. Occasionally, when something major has happened, fine. I'll indulge a pity fest under those circumstances. But I'm guessing this isn't a one off and they're always moaning about something? So that's what my advice is based on. IMO life's too short to listen to people whinging all the time. Like you, I find it draining and it doesn't help me when I talk things through either, so I prefer to just be practical about it and change something about the situation to make it better.

I'd invite the nice one, who knows how to read the room, to meet up one to one. She's not the problem so there's no need to lose her as a friend, unless she chooses it. I'd not invite the moaners.

With group invites to things, I'd tolerate the so-so ones and avoid like the plague the two worst ones. So if it's not an activity where you can walk off and talk to someone else, away from the two miseries, then don't go.

Maybe you could invent some kind of health issue or personal weakness that means you hate "crowds" now and suck up them thinking you're pathetic to consider ten people, or whatever number your friends are, a "crowd". So as not to cause offence by making it about them. They might guess the real reason in time though. Or, I was once sort-of part of a friend group where the one I was most friends with (and who was lovely) would be avoided by a couple of the others. My friend would invite them all each time because they were part of the friendship group. These two that didn't like her much for some reason would always ask who was coming and if their favourite people weren't coming, they'd decline the invitation. Seemed rude to me and I'd never do it, but they obviously had no problems with it and there was never any consequences for being this way, so IDK, maybe it is socially acceptable? If I wanted to know who was coming I'd say I'll think about it and get back to you, then try to find out from others who's coming. I'd not ask the person who invited me outright before giving them an answer. To me, that's equivalent to telling them they aren't enough of a reason for you to attend.

I hope you can find some way round it all. There's just no point being friends with people who bring you down.

Agreed. And I even say this as a generally positive and upbeat person!

You say these are people who have had seriously difficult life events - bereavements, divorces - these things are not easy to deal with.

Just because they weren't talking about those things doesn't mean those things weren't the cause of low mood.

Plus lots of people ARE finding life harder than in the past. Disposable income is low, public services are not supportive.

You don't have to spend your time with these people, but I think YABU to expect others to be fake cheerful for your benefit.

Some women become very difficult to cope with when perimenopausal.

Bet he feels like you did last night. Maybe he's thinking he should get a new wife.
Btw; a gym isn't a cure for aching hips and a bad back.

Your approach is unhelpful here @1973vintage

They're telling you because they want to connect about the universal, unavoidable process of aging.

You're treating an emotional conversation as if it were a practical one.

Yoga helps back and hips Find one online beginner level. I use Charlie Follows

No, I didn't at the time. I am an only child and so were both my parents. Zero family.

I met my partner after they had died so my parents never got to meet their grandchildren which has been the sadness of my life.

It still doesn't make an evening of constant moaning attractive to me. When you have experienced losses it makes you realise every moment should be cherished, not spent complaining.

Being constantly negative is just as draining and unhealthy as being constantly fake positive. There is a balance here which is important

I'm with you OP. Can't stand those people who moan and then look put out when you come up with a solution. When I moan it's because I can't think of a solution and am hoping someone else can!

I agree. My children have grown up without grandparents, too. I never had parents into adulthood and had to pretty much cope by myself. Other bumps in the road have made me appreciate what I have, and how precious it is.

Do your friends have very narrow, small worlds, OP? Or are they the types to be out and about trying new things often?

YANBU. I have radically reduced my social life because I was SO bored of meeting one set of friends for coffee only to hear about all their minor ailments, then another set of friends, out for dinner, same whinges, then walks with friends on lovely sunny days marred by long moany monologues.

There's always space to discuss the low points but they need to be balanced with the good stuff too.

I think the run up to Xmas can be a really difficult time for a lot of people.

You’re expected to be jolly and fun and out three times a week, but I’ve got twice the amount of work to do (absences due to flu for me and DC), twice the amount to organise (presents, cards, decorations, Xmas Jumper day at school, meet-ups etc), money flying out the door (heating bills, warm coats, presents, socialising, donations to the school for different events), and emotionally it’s tough when you’re doing it alone (I’m widowed) and bereaved (both DH and mum 😢).

I’m constantly juggling, mostly with a smile on my face, whilst surrounded by people who are either with their husbands or going home to them, and who are often moaning about said husbands or their elderly parents, when I’m stifling a scream of “you don’t know how lucky you are!!”

With good friends I have definitely had a moan over this season, even a cry and some of them have cried on me too.

I think other times of year there is less pressure to be happy and jolly, which often makes it easier to be so.

In short, I don’t think it’s a 50-something woman thing, I think it’s a time of year thing.

I have definitely gravitated towards friends who are more optimistic now I’m in my 50s. Of course we have certain moans and worries but it’s the way we deal with them that works. I too feel totally drained by friends that moan and don’t listen to advice or try and help themselves.

^ this

I’ve had a dreadful couple of years. My sister doesn’t know the half of it but does this to me, shuts me down, changes the subject, tells me it could be worse. I don’t tell her anything anymore and barely see her.

These are not your party people friends so find some new ones if you’re not interested in the ups and downs of their life. Don’t expect the party people to want to discuss your parents when their elderly and infirm and you’re suffering from carer burnout though.

I’ve got friends who really need counselors and I can’t / won’t be one. As someone said upthread, it’s not an easy time , people are struggling, have their own issues.
its when this is a pattern, repeated all the time, it becomes so draining.

YANBU.

More than happy to help my friends through troubled times and they reciprocate when I need it but constantly negative people can do one.

To spend an entire evening of whining sounds bloody awful and if it's leaving you feeling low and tearful you need to stop doing it. I cant stand people who complain about stuff, you listen for ages and suggest ways to help and they shoot down everything you suggest. OK then, what do you want- me to confirm your life is shit then? how is that going to do anything but make you feel worse.

Such people are emotional vampires and I really think you should reduce the time you spend with them. Friends should leave you feeling not necessarily "happy", but you should feel listened to, understood, supported and valued. It should be overall a positive experience and bring something to your life. If all they want is a sounding board for their chronic misery then I would fade them out pronto.

If you look up the psychology on this, most people just want to be heard when they have a moan. They’re not looking for solutions.

I think for me its about having a fundamental sense of optimism.

Everyone experiences crises and setbacks, life can be brutal and painful.

But you have to pick yourself up and try to move past it.

I have one friend who will respond to every complaint with “well that’s what its like at our age, its downhill all the way”. Its so fucking miserable.

I am early 50s and I genuinely don’t think its all downhill. Obviously there are some things from my 20s and 30s which I won’t do again: I will never have dewy skin. I will never be able to go clubbing until the small hours and not feel it in the morning.

But there is a lot to love about getting older too and I want to be with people who are capable of growth and optimism, not with people with one foot prematurely in the grave.

It's not you it's them.

I'd try to find some other friends to spend time with. Maybe try an evening with the one who noticed you weren't enjoying it, just the two of you. She might be better company away from the group dynamic.

I get this. But sometimes it goes on for hours and hours every time you see them.

What is the point of telling someone the same problem over and over and over again if you arent willing to change anything or do anything about it?

There comes a point where its just pointless surely and friends will get justifiably upset

Most likely all menopausal, give them some slack, mid life can be a challenging time. If you only want upbeat company, arrange an upbeat activity. Then only the upbeat ones will go.

Has it not occurred to you that they might have been focusing on trivial stuff to avoid getting too deep into their major issues? I know when I'm dealing with something big I want to be distracted, but I also might not be in the mood for belly laughs all night long.

You don't sound a particularly empathetic in fact, so yes, maybe it is time do your friends a favour and find a new group to chat fluff with and leave them to support each other through the good and bad.

Absolutely this for me.

I am 50 and I have a friend also in her 50s that does this and I no longer want to spend any time with her.

Yes, I am aware I am aging thanks, yes, I am also going through peri menopause currently and it kinda sucks balls at times but what is the alternative?- death, basically.

We have a choice here- we either spend the next phase of our lives wallowing in misery and complaining how awful and rubbish everything is, or we acknowledge the difficult parts, process them, and try to enjoy the rest the best we can.

I dont want to look back on my life when I am elderly and regret not enjoying the time I had. There is nothing worse than regret and wasted time. If people want to look at their glass half empty thats their choice, but they dont get to make me do the same.

Sometimes people need a good whine, or maybe it was the first opportunity they had to let their feelings out in what they thought was a supportive environment?

If you don't want to hear people's troubles maybe you need to steer the conversation into more lightweight areas? Like "did you see x film yet, it was brilliant" rather than the dreaded open "how are you.....?"

I dread that question. It immediately makes me focus on my health issues and brings me right down.

Don't ask!