Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

[1973vintage]

AIBU to find pretty much all my female friends such moaning whingers now we’re in our fifties?

I invited some friends over last night for a few drinks and easy food. I’d pulled out the stops and bought champagne and nice snacks because a couple of them have been experiencing tough life events recently (divorce, family estrangement, bereavement) so wanted them to feel looked after and special.

OMG the whole lot of them whinged all evening. I wouldn’t have minded if we’d listened to the serious personal problems but they brought up: bad backs, aching hips, who’s died recently - people we barely knew so it felt like gossip, not being able to afford a cruise next year (FFS), how our nearest city has gone downhill, bad tempered husbands, car problems, menopausal migraines…..to mention a few. I kept trying to think of ways to lighten the mood and suggest easy solutions like go to the gym, see the gp, go somewhere else on holiday etc but every one f the seven of them was intent on whinging. I felt so deflated and depressed when they left. They didn’t want answers, just wanted a whinge fest. I wish I hadn’t made the effort and just stayed on my own with telly and wine.

Is this normal now we’re this age, menopausal and early or mid fifties? Do I need to make new friends?!?

YANBU - yes I have noticed my fifty something female friends draining me much more recently
and I agree that it’s depressing
YABU - it’s just your own social circle, get a grip and make new friends who add to your life not drain you of your energy

Bless you, hope tomorrow is a better day.

Definitely not normal.
You perhaps need to move on from them.
Girls nights tend to be great company, food, drinks and I always feel buzzed after them.
Some people have had challenges but none would drag the night down with them.

I would be a lot more selective in future with max 3 guests. 4 tends to be a nice sized group I think.

A friend having a vent is one thing.
The whole evening being a whinge fest about petty annoyances and general negativity is wearing and a buzz kill.
Empathising with a friend having a really difficult time is a whole other thing.

Mmm…I am slightly older than you and with good friends who I saw yesterday we do all feel comfortable enough to talk to one another about what is going on in our lives including health issues including meno our own health partners and close family members health etc. Also ok to talk about concerns about a child, young adult, parents, ILs or siblings, problems with work, work colleagues or house renovations, downsizing to a bungalow lol, political issues etc. I wouldn’t look upon it as whingeing more getting together and all feeling comfortable talking, listening and supporting others about what is going on in our lives, showing an interest in others lives and putting the world to rights. But this is also interspersed with funny anecdotes, nice things that have happened (holidays, grand childrens lives for those that have them, nights out with other friends). We we do still have a laugh although often admittedly less so than we did when much younger.

I should add with some groups of friends the dynamics are different, we see each other less and we are more jokey, more fun less intense but then this is at much more of a superficial level and the friendships are less close and more surface level.

My god mum and partner 79 has a lot of much younger friends they are both young at heart and she says she prefers this as they are more fun don’t talk about health all the time. So maybe get younger or different friends if its all doom and gloom.

@1973vintage im a similar age to you and recently started going to the gym and classes at my local leisure centre. I’ve met a wonderful group of women, all in their sixties and they are a real boost. Their lives are so busy and they have so many hobbies, some are still working too. I think that maybe it’s a combination of age related issues like menopause and family changes that many deal with in their fifties, the realisation that you’re definitely on the down slope of life but with some pma and maybe HRT it can be a fantastic time too. Hope you find some more positive aspects to your friends hips and don’t let it drag you down.

Exactly. You can vent to close friends at appropriate moments. There’s no need to do it at a social gathering.

I get drained hearing about what funeral music some of my friends want . Ffs! In our fifties!
I limit time spent together now with certain old established friendship groups and when I do, I get board games going, to lighten the mood and change the miserable focus !!

Yep good old gallows humour. I’ve a friend who has two old dogs, one whom she adopted and has undoubtedly extended its life by years with her absolutely fantastic care for it. These dogs want for nothing However when asked what she is looking forward to in the next five years by quite an earnest person at a dinner recently she said for her teenager to have left home and the dogs to have died. This whilst putting chunks of steak in paper napkins to take home for them! That’s the kind of chat I want!

I'm 54 and evenings with my 50 something friends are not like that, sorry! I don't think anyone really "moans" all the time though obviously I will sometimes spend one on one time with close friends talking about worries and problems.

My minor gripe about meeting up with small groups of friends these days is that it sometimes feels like we spend the whole time working through the list of our older teen/young adult children and giving an update on how each one is doing with uni/job hunt etc. At the end I want to see "what about US", how are WE doing? What are WE planning or enjoying? Again, obviously if my friend's main worry at the moment is her child's struggles, or indeed if she wants to share some good news, then I'm all ears. But as a routine conversation every time it is quite tedious...

in our 50s and every one has lost someone, worries about their kids, has illness etc it’s so normal to not be that interesting.

I think some people do get a little frisson talking about other peoples woes and that is the worst when it’s not even their own woes

I love it when friends find other things to talk about - gigs, theatre, travel anything - surely we should bring our best social selves to a lovely party like this.

You sound like a lovely person who is generous and thoughtful. Listening to other people's problems and trying to find solutions can be a thankless task. Take time for yourself and think about your needs. Next time, don't offer any solutions just listen and leave it there, often people just want to express and nothing more.

I don’t have friends close by , they live an hour away and some live in other parts of the country so don’t see them often at all .
When we do meet ( ages are from 50-70 ) we are usually crying laughing 🤣
of course we might discuss the odd serious thing but mostly it’s fun

Fortunately my main group of friends love a laugh and fun but other groups can be more whingey and serious.

Blimey. This is not normal. I am 52 but my two best friends are in their mid 60s and we have a little whinge and moan occasionally but we soon stop. I honestly hear nothing but grateful comments. We tend to go places - NT properties, country walks, Christmas markets. We aren't without our troubles but we don't dwell on them because we cheer each other up in difficult times.

Well no - while when my friends and I get together (we are 50s-60s) there’s a bit of moaning but generally a cheerful bunch.

Urgh. What a grim bunch, I'd give them a swerve and I'm a pensioner knocking 70.

Me too.

Again, I got fucked off by someone who is a supposed friend who I wanted to give her her yearly Christmas present.....

Even had a lovelier surprise from a local here from Sudan going about his work and giving me a lovely chat and a mini Mars bar.

Life is wonderful.

If you hang around drug users eventually you will do drugs……this moment is a clarity event and it’s telling you something…..you are seeking something new, time to change things.

Oh dear. Just wait until they are in their seventies. They really will moan and whinge all the time then! It makes it very difficult to continue the friendships. I am certain I have almost as many health problems as they, but I do not consider these suitable topics for conversation when there is so much going on in the world and so much to talk about.

When I am in my 70s, if this is what my friends are going to become then I will make younger friends. I'd actually rather be alone with my dog than in the company of misery mongers.

Having friends is meant to enrich your life, if all they are doing is making you feel more depressed, then I'd rather be alone.

Did you ever watch a tv series called Grumpy Old Men (and another called Grummpy Old Women)? Sometimes people just enjoy a good moan. Its possible your friends went home without any sense of having dragged you down; they possibly just thought they'd had a good venting session, and went home feeling lighthearted and refreshed!

Such a shame. Are they better individually? Were some worse than others? I hope they thanked you for a lovely evening.

My mum is in her 70s and she now has a lot of friends in her 50s as a lot of her older friends have become this way!