Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

[1973vintage]

AIBU to find pretty much all my female friends such moaning whingers now we’re in our fifties?

I invited some friends over last night for a few drinks and easy food. I’d pulled out the stops and bought champagne and nice snacks because a couple of them have been experiencing tough life events recently (divorce, family estrangement, bereavement) so wanted them to feel looked after and special.

OMG the whole lot of them whinged all evening. I wouldn’t have minded if we’d listened to the serious personal problems but they brought up: bad backs, aching hips, who’s died recently - people we barely knew so it felt like gossip, not being able to afford a cruise next year (FFS), how our nearest city has gone downhill, bad tempered husbands, car problems, menopausal migraines…..to mention a few. I kept trying to think of ways to lighten the mood and suggest easy solutions like go to the gym, see the gp, go somewhere else on holiday etc but every one f the seven of them was intent on whinging. I felt so deflated and depressed when they left. They didn’t want answers, just wanted a whinge fest. I wish I hadn’t made the effort and just stayed on my own with telly and wine.

Is this normal now we’re this age, menopausal and early or mid fifties? Do I need to make new friends?!?

YANBU - yes I have noticed my fifty something female friends draining me much more recently
and I agree that it’s depressing
YABU - it’s just your own social circle, get a grip and make new friends who add to your life not drain you of your energy

But I didn’t invite them to have ‘a good old moan’! The gym suggestion was for the bad back and achy hips whingers.

Some problems do have a solution, what is the point of telling me your back hurts if you don’t want to make it better? Do you want to stay stuck with your bad back, migraines, achy hips and moody husband?

What a shame. But comfort yourself with the reflection that you were trying to make them feel better and getting out of the house, some company and a good moan probably made them feel better afterwards, even if you felt worse!

I don’t think what you describe is inevitable. It was probably just a perfect storm of bad luck all at once. My friends and I usually manage some good laughs too. I’ve always thought one of the few benefits of maturity is that even though life gets sadder, it also gets a lot funnier - or at least you can see more humour in the darkness.

Oh no, I find mine have cheered up a lot from the baby/kid battlefield years of our 30s and 40s, plus some of them (bastards) are now really quite rich. This is not to say stress in continence and kids failing to launch doesn't come up, but it's not the main topic of conv.

So I think you need to let some new blood into your social life OP. My lot would be delighted with a soirée.

This is what I wanted although perhaps finishing a bit earlier than 2.30am!

Maybe it was the composition of the group, perhaps just bad chemistry because it definitely felt like a game of Who Can Whinge The Most? about everyday things. And I didn’t want to play.

I hate whingers and have phased them out of my life over the years. I live in the States now and it’s incredible how much more upbeat and positive people are here compared to the UK. And let’s face it, they’ve got a lot more to feel ‘depressed’ about.

Time for some new friends, OP - best of luck, you sound lovely. 😊

I'd hate that too. You put a lot of money and time into hosting people and then they are just miserable the whole time. It's quite rude of them.

I don't think it's 'normal' as such - I'm mid 60s and I have a great group of girlfriends. We always have a great laugh when we get together. More so, I think, as we have got older because we are beginning to suffer health problems and loss (one of my friends was widowed this year) - we have come to appreciate the importance of looking for things to celebrate in life and of enjoying the small things

Yeah exactly

I had a good whinge to my dh about it this morning!!

Yeah I agree. It’s natural and human to want to offload to people you trust sometimes and not everything is roses and sunshine but I do think there’s an obligation on people in social situations not to just dump a litany of complaints. Its so draining.

For one thing I am absolutely bored shitless of talking about the menopause at every gathering of female friends. Yes it’s good that the taboo on talking about it has lifted but in some circles its the only topic of conversation. I don’t want it to define me any more than I wanted to be defined by having periods or having children.

I'm a little bit older than you, OP, and that's not been my experience at all.
I don't know anyone who is keen to discuss their ailments, even serious stuff like breast cancer.

Sounds like you are confusing friendship with life coaching …I’d feel unheard if that happened in my friendships ..maybe that’s why they circled the issues

You said they're having a bad time, it doesn't sound like you were expecting this to happen so I'm guessing it doesn't happen everytime you meet? I'd cut them some slack. Sometimes people just need to vent. Just like you have, your post and comments are negative, you said you had a whinge about it to your DH, you've said things like it's depressed you and drained the life out of you. Are you the only one who can whinge and be very negative?

I met up with a group of 50 something friends last night. apparently her partner could hear us laughing from the end of the road. we are a group who have had life's fair share of ups and downs , but usually when we are together we have a mix of laughter, sharing and caring .

I do think there is a time and a place for everything and these two friends got it wrong this time. I have gone through some tough shit the last couple of years and I have definitely confided in my friends and they know the ins and outs of all of it, but I do that if we go on a walk together or if we go out for a coffee just the two or three of us. I don't go to someones house who has put on this beautiful evening and keep pushing my issues on everyone else who is there to have a fun evening. Sometimes you just have to put your shit aside and let everyone enjoy their evening.

It's not clear whether you invited these people as friends or entertainment. Some people enjoy a good whinge and feel better, it sounds like you were taking it far more seriously than they were. Presumably they aren't always like this or they wouldn't be friends. I could understand wanting to find new friends if this was a pattern but that seems a bit extreme if it's a one off. You said some of them have been having a tough time so maybe they just needed to get things off their chest.

Trying to find solutions and feeling down to the point of tearfulness today suggests you have some codependent tendancies.

Hopefully your husband was more tolerant of your whinge than you were of your friends.

Urgh, no, sounds like they’ve forgotten how to be good guests. Of course you should be able to share things with your friends but social life is a bit of an art and needs a little skill and attention.

Divide and conquer. Find the positive node people. The friend who spotted that you wanted to change the mood - next time invite her, plus whichever of the others was least depressing, plus maybe one other different person. Go out and do something different, see a comedian or try a new bar. Look for people who will swing the mood upwards.

This is the same with my friends. There has been loss and there have been health problems. However, we have a good laugh, and they're interesting people. We talk about all sorts of stuff.
OP, it just sounds as if these women are a bit dull and self obsessed.

OMG YES!

I am so glad it's not just me. I am not yet 50 but some of my friends are and my God, they could win gold in the whinging olympics.

I have no problem supporting friends going through a genuinely hard time but this is not what is happening in my group- it's just negative marinating in utterly pointless complaints 24/7 and it's so fucking draining. Yes, life can be hard at times but whining about it constantly isnt helping, it's just making me less likely to want to hang out with you. I dont want to hear the same complaint 50 times in a row.

I have had to start fading a 53 year old friend for doing this. We used to have so much fun together and since she turned 52 it's like she's aged 20 years into this joyless fun sponge.

I dont mind a good moan now and then but it has to be balanced with some good bits otherwise it's just chronic misery.

I would give them a few more chances but without investing the time and effort to host. Maybe have some strategies for when you've reached your limit of moaning/feeling like you're in a doctor's surgery. I think any meetup with a friend has the potential to leave you feeling, "Just how much am I enjoying this?" But then the next time is brilliant. So it depends if it's a pattern.

Older than you OP and have found it so liberating to have let these friendships slide. I honestly used to dread meet ups. I'm overly cautious about developing new pals now , I'm afraid I have found that the ones with the least to moan about do! Some I know have so much to deal with that I feel humbled by their outlook and TBH make me all the more irritated by the moaners.

That just sounds draining. I don’t mind a bit of a moan but then move on. You want to feel better after seeing friends, not depressed…

Have any of those typical mid-life events happened to you, OP? Bereavement, divorce, estrangement? If not, maybe don't judge. I have had all three, including the deaths of both my parents after long illnesses, and my husband leaving me. I understand your friends. It sounds like they needed to vent.

I meant this ironically by the way for those who have helpfully pointed out that I whinge too!

@1973vintage I think it's rude to turn up to someone's house, for what's basically a little party, and then just moan.

It should be best face forward and trying to have fun and talk about interesting things

but increasingly, I think people with this view are in a minority.

There’s a time and a place though. Most people at mid-life have had things go wrong.

I’ve been through a horrible divorce, now going through horrible shit at work. My best friend is a cancer survivor. We talk about this stuff, of course we do.

But I wouldn’t tip up at a social event and expect to talk about these things all night to the exclusion of other topics and expecting them to dominate other people’s conversations as well. Its just bad manners.