Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

[1973vintage]

AIBU to find pretty much all my female friends such moaning whingers now we’re in our fifties?

I invited some friends over last night for a few drinks and easy food. I’d pulled out the stops and bought champagne and nice snacks because a couple of them have been experiencing tough life events recently (divorce, family estrangement, bereavement) so wanted them to feel looked after and special.

OMG the whole lot of them whinged all evening. I wouldn’t have minded if we’d listened to the serious personal problems but they brought up: bad backs, aching hips, who’s died recently - people we barely knew so it felt like gossip, not being able to afford a cruise next year (FFS), how our nearest city has gone downhill, bad tempered husbands, car problems, menopausal migraines…..to mention a few. I kept trying to think of ways to lighten the mood and suggest easy solutions like go to the gym, see the gp, go somewhere else on holiday etc but every one f the seven of them was intent on whinging. I felt so deflated and depressed when they left. They didn’t want answers, just wanted a whinge fest. I wish I hadn’t made the effort and just stayed on my own with telly and wine.

Is this normal now we’re this age, menopausal and early or mid fifties? Do I need to make new friends?!?

YANBU - yes I have noticed my fifty something female friends draining me much more recently
and I agree that it’s depressing
YABU - it’s just your own social circle, get a grip and make new friends who add to your life not drain you of your energy

Yes, agree with this. I’m 49 and whenever I meet up with my friends my age we certainly do end up discussing our middle-aged ailments, relationship gripes etc but usually in a way that makes us laugh. For example, one of my mates is having a menopause related gynae issue at the moment which is very annoying and horrible for her, but she was telling us about it in the context of the general absurdity and weirdness of going for a gynae examination and having a polite chat with a stranger while they’re squinting up your vag like (as my friend described it) “like someone looking for the giblets in their Christmas turkey”. We also moaned about our elderly parents and the stress of keeping an eye on them, but again, we were making jokes and laughing throughout about the odd things that somehow all our elderly mums seem to have started doing.

In general, I think I really struggle to relate to very serious, earnest people and those people also struggle with me, so I tend to gravitate to friends who use humour to deal with stress and are just naturally quite irreverent about even the darkest of subjects, so if we do talk about bad stuff, it’s in a way that doesn’t feel depressing and we’re laughing the whole time.

In my first post I made clear that:
I wouldn’t have minded if they wanted to talk about the serious things (ie - divorce, bereavement etc) but we had: bad back, achey hips etc etc…

Yes, I have suffered horrendous life experiences but it wasn’t the sad, awful issues they focused on last night, and which as I said in my first post I would have been glad to support them with, it was the mundane stuff of midlife and my goodness did some of them go on endlessly.

Thanks for the unsolicited psychoanalysis [and not reading my first post properly] 🙄

They just sound a bit boring and self obsessed. There are 3 women on my street who are of a similar age, and disposition. I avoid engaging in anything other than basic pleasantries.
All three are signed off work with stress, so they have plenty of time and are always trying to get me to go out for coffee etc. Nope

I’d have been tempted to say seriously if you’re going to be misery itself why don’t you go home as this isn’t what tonight was meant to be! You’re making everyone utterly miserable and I’ve made a huge effort tonight with food and nice wine etc and all you can do is bloody moan and whinge!

I like your style 🤣

I hadn’t had much experience with female friendships for one reason or another but now I’m 46 and have made some female friends mostly older than me (50-65) and we have such a laugh! They are clever, funny, wise and take no shit from anyone in a variety of usually hilarious ways, I wish I’d made more effort in my earlier life, our meetings are always so uplifting. Maybe your group has got stuck in a moaning rut? Maybe try doing an activity together and not just chat? Might change the vibe.

This is what I find! My friends have had their ups and downs, but my goodness we have our laughs! They're also incredibly kind and supportive. We chat about all sorts of things from current affairs and politics, books and films to fashion and style.

I’ve got one friend like this and she’s better in small doses. My other friends, no, we have a good laugh and giggle and we are in our 50s

I was out with my friends last night, there was a bit of discussion about difficult issues, a few moans about Christmas organisation complications but what bothered me was the fact that everyone else’s children have left home and are increasingly successful, one friend was obviously never taught that its crass to talk about money and so I found out that her 25 year odd about to earn more than DH which I found myself thinking about at 3 in the morning.
i don’t think they realise quite how much more money they all have than me, it’s getting increasingly awkward.

I lost both of my parents in my 20s and then my 30s. None of my friends had lost either parents by that age so noone I knew had gone through that yet. I didnt spend my entire time with my friends moaning constantly. Yes, I grieved and they supported me and I did the same for them when their time came with their parents but I didnt expect to trauma dump on them every single time I saw them. That is is not fair to anyone. They're friends, not therapists.

Try not to dwell on it. It's absolutely crass to talk about money. It shouldn't really matter who is wealthier than who, but if you find it awkward, avoid them

I do understand now why my old relatives, complained about their health, aches and pains etc.Also a lot about who had just died, there was always someone in their circle who had just cacked it.
Age catches up with us all.However maybe see them seperately or mix them with other more upbeat neighbours ,friends.
Maybe mention it to them if you are close,that they were a bit miserable and you wanted it to be a fun time.

Does this normally happen when you meet up? Or is it more a one-off, or at least unusual?

I'm 52 and my meet-ups with friends are normally much more fun and jokey. But there's been the occasional one where the conversation got into a more negative rut. It's hard to say why, exactly - just the chemistry was off that day (mix of people, or the moods that they were in, or the problems that were preoccupying them?).

Next time, maybe change the mix of people a bit, and head out somewhere for an upbeat atmosphere instead of staying at home (if their aching backs and knees and wallets will allow it!). The change of scene might put people in more of a party mood and give them something else to talk about. At the very least you won't have had to go to so much trouble with the catering!

Do you have any younger friends op?

I distanced myself from a friend from school for this. Her husband became seriously ill and there were issues with her children. We met every couple of months and would go on and on about things that were awful in her life. Initially, I felt sorry for her but when husband recovered, I realised I'd had enough. I was like an unpaid counsellor and I always felt dreadful after we'd met up. I tried steering the conversation in another direction once he was better, even said that I was trying to focus on the positives in life but she didn't pick up on it. She even said she was doing it too! Told me about a beauty treatment she'd had as an example and then it was back to the moaning.
Don't get me wrong, I have other friends with issues and have enough of my own but we have a chat but don't focus on the negative the entire night. And then I realised this had been the entire basis of our relationship since teens - my boyfriend won't commit, he doesn't want to marry me, he won't agree to the wedding I want, he doesn't want children, I hate my MIL. I wouldn't hear from her when times were good. Years and years when her sons were young. But when times were bad, she'd be in touch. Over thirty years of it. And she always give a cursory - how's your family and after my sentence of explanation, it was back to her. I never heard from her when my mother was dying or my husband was ill. Then when my dad was sick for years, total lack of interest. I just thought last year - I've had enough and became unavailable. I didn't bother to explain because I knew she would just turn it back into being my fault. She is very skilled at this and thinks because she is religious, she can't possibly do anything wrong. She is a total drain. I got a birthday card with a passive aggressive suggestion about meeting for a catch up, if that was what I wanted. Strangely enough, I don't.

What I thought were my Sophie Kinsella style humorous anecdotes others were perceiving as whinge I realised :) So there’s that too.

No one likes a moaner but these days tolerance seems much lower I’ve noticed.

Also 50s-60 notoriously ‘sniper alley’ in that serious illness can strike. Also parents dying.

They sound like a bored bunch of 90 year old 😂

You can keep those, but you also need new friends, sporty, interesting, active.

Many 50 year old still are. Many people I know have pre-teens at that age, they don't have time to be old or behave like an elderly person.

And kids start going to uni when their parents are in their 60s, and they make the most of their new freedom.

It's 40 yo who are the most exhausted because they deal with babies and toddlers, but by 50 and 60s, they're back to full energy. Honestly, pick active hobbies and add new friends to your list.

I've noticed an increase in whinging.

Last meet up I said if they didn't stop being morbid I was going to flash my tits.

One stunned silence later, laughs were restored.

There's a time and a place. Yes have a quick vent if you need it, but meet ups are to lighten the load a bit. Laughter is the best medicine.

I feel conflicted - on one hand I can’t bear superficial surface level small talk, on the other hand if one of my friends had gone to the trouble of hosting a lovely Christmas evening with champagne then it is rude to drone on about issues and not enjoy the evening for what it is.

You had a festive night in mind, and it doesn’t sound like your friends were in the best place to be lighthearted.

If they are good friends let it go - and let someone else host for a bit. It’s disappointing.

Did you have a partner and/pr other close family to support you? That makes a difference, and if they are both bereaved and alone, it's not surprising if they want to vent.

OK, I misunderstood. The moaning does sound a bit awful then.

People don’t get to really talk as much as they used to, and when you don’t get to talk the first thing that comes out is the bad stuff! I’d guess if you all met eg a second time the same week you’d talk about the more easygoing stuff!

Some people are over the top about what's going on in their life.... like my sister.
I just check out.
Have enough to deal with in my own life as a solo mum.

Maybe your friends are just very boring.