Friends so draining, is this how it is now aged 52?

[1973vintage]

AIBU to find pretty much all my female friends such moaning whingers now we’re in our fifties?

I invited some friends over last night for a few drinks and easy food. I’d pulled out the stops and bought champagne and nice snacks because a couple of them have been experiencing tough life events recently (divorce, family estrangement, bereavement) so wanted them to feel looked after and special.

OMG the whole lot of them whinged all evening. I wouldn’t have minded if we’d listened to the serious personal problems but they brought up: bad backs, aching hips, who’s died recently - people we barely knew so it felt like gossip, not being able to afford a cruise next year (FFS), how our nearest city has gone downhill, bad tempered husbands, car problems, menopausal migraines…..to mention a few. I kept trying to think of ways to lighten the mood and suggest easy solutions like go to the gym, see the gp, go somewhere else on holiday etc but every one f the seven of them was intent on whinging. I felt so deflated and depressed when they left. They didn’t want answers, just wanted a whinge fest. I wish I hadn’t made the effort and just stayed on my own with telly and wine.

Is this normal now we’re this age, menopausal and early or mid fifties? Do I need to make new friends?!?

YANBU - yes I have noticed my fifty something female friends draining me much more recently
and I agree that it’s depressing
YABU - it’s just your own social circle, get a grip and make new friends who add to your life not drain you of your energy

They sound very rude.

You made a very special effort and down to complete ignorance on their part they didn’t acknowledge it at all.

There’s a time and a place for moaning, and last night was not it.

What you did was wasted on them. I honestly wouldn’t invite them again.

I agree. Imagine being so self obsessed.

My nature is also to be a problem solver, so I sympathise to a certain extent.

But MN is usually full of threads about how annoying people find it when they are just offloading feelings and getting it off their chest, and someone keeps offering solutions. I hear this and understand offering fixes is not always what's needed.

It seems problem solvers are the minority. Now I know this, I have learned to restrain myself and keep most of my fixes to myself. I have got a lot better at just listening.

Maybe they thought you were the annoying one? Including the friend who kept trying to change the conversation - maybe they were trying to stop you?

I’m a pensioner, as are my friends, but I’ve got no miserable friends.

Some people, old or young, drift through life moaning and whining about everything.

Others don’t - I’d find some new friends. 😉

When people are droning on in my company and I wish to change their tune, I sometimes perform a conversational handbrake turn. It is simply introducing a new topic so adrift from their droning that they find it impossible to revert. It is satisfying and often other people scarcely notice. It’s a skill!

Exactly. So rude of them for OP to go to all that trouble to arrange a lovely evening for them and they spend it whinging.

Definitely dont bother making any effort in future. As for the people saying your friends are better off without you - well no, they arent actually because competitive whingers hate it when they have competition.

Without the OP, it will just be a circle of moaners playing the suffering olympics with each other.

I am quite direct (and 50) so would say ‘tight five more mins on the moaning then we are going to talk about something up beat’

and if they kept on say ‘Oi oi ! Time to change the subject, what was your favourite dinner / movie / event of 2025?’.

as you provided the food and drinks their behaviour was totally rude and anyone defending them better check their chat !

My friends aren’t like this. Re problems, we tend to mention them and move on. I have menopausal migraines and have regular Botox at a neurology clinic. It really ruins my quality of life. But I know nobody wants to hear about it really so I never talk about it unless someone asks me.

Your friend sound unusually moany. We talk about all sorts of stuff and laugh when we meet up. The discussions about illness, divorces and useless young adult kids don’t dominate the chat unless it’s a one to one meet-up.

Sounds like you had a couple of Colin Robinsons in the group who sucked the life out of everyone. I wouldn’t ask the main moaners next time as it seemed like they dominated. I’m a similar age and, whilst we can moan we don’t do it all the time. Some people just revel in it

Your mistake was offering solutions that, presumably, weren’t asked for. Too much whinging and no humour is a mood killer though. I have a friend like that, she used to be really bad where I felt quite down after her visits. I see her much less now and thankfully she has improved a bit. Maybe see more of the friend who felt like you and less of the others.

I'm 49, so definitely in the peri life stage. But my friends aren't like this. We may well talk about peri symptoms, but it's done more positively. Sharing tips for what's helpful and positive achievements.

We share the downs, but the ups as well. We celebrate our achievements whether that's a weight loss goal, baking an awesome birthday cake for the children, meeting a deadline for studying we share news about positive and exciting things in our life.

For context, I have friends who have had major health things this year as well e.g. major surgery and also diagnosis of a progressive condition. They still are really positive and inspirational

Thanks for interesting responses although just to make clear to posters who didn’t read my first post properly, I wasn’t giving solutions to bereavements and divorce but to the achey backs and hips moaners!

I’m relieved that I’m not the only one and will think twice before meeting up with the dead-end whingers again.

I getcha! I recently spent a couple of days with two friends. They didn’t whinge, but they didn’t speak much either. One’s face was permanently lit by her phone… we’re almost 60 ffs.

Afterwards they both said what a great time they’d had 🤪.

I’d actually prefer to spend time alone!

Then I am not "most people" and do not wish to be friends with "most people".

Yes I’d rather be on my own as well frankly

I also want to reiterate, for the people who've been scared off providing solutions - when I complain about anything I am definitely, definitely angling for someone to give me a solution!

There’s a lady in my walking group like this - she’s such an energy vampire. Always the doom and gloom over everything. No solutions but I do try and avoid her x

Energy vampire Brilliant!!!

I'm the same. It's not just you.

One of the reasons I never tell friends if something is troubling me is because I could honestly kill those who've spent the evening asking me why I'm a bit quiet and not the usual life and soul of it, wheedling out of me what's wrong, I've finally given in and told them, only to be met with "that sounds difficult" or "what are you going to do about it?". No shit Sherlock! And if I knew the answer to that I'd be bloody well getting on with doing it, instead of moaning about it! Aaaaarrrgh! It really brings me down, when all I wanted was a break from thinking about whatever-it-is and a bit of fun with my mates 😭 . It's just an incompatibility. There's some friends I only hang out with now if I'm on top form. I stay away from them if there's something gone wrong in my life. They obviously can't handle me being a bit quiet.

On the rare occasion I choose to talk about something with someone close, I'm absolutely wanting to hear their thoughts or ideas for potential solutions.

As for all those saying, "but maybe they just need to talk and be listened to if they're going through a tough time"... yeh, ok, I get that - but that's what counsellors, therapists and helplines are for. I'm not interested, willing or able to listen to an incessant litany of woes every time we meet up or talk through the exact same problem endlessly, just because they've got no partner or family to complain at and I'm too polite to tell them to STFU. I expect their next complaint would be that I appear to be ghosting them and they've got no idea why, haven't done anything wrong etc 🤨

I'm single, estranged from toxic family and live too far away from the others to have developed any close relationship with them. So with those in that situation, their situation is no different from mine. I'm busy dealing with my own life, including my problems when they occur and I don't have emotional energy to spare to be someone's unpaid counsellor.

I got sucked into that too often when I was younger, because contrary to what some of you are probably thinking, I am empathetic and a good listener. But I didn't particularly want to do it then and I definitely don't want to do it now. I feel I've done my time being everyone's shoulder to cry on. I seemed to attract that type unfortunately, lacking boundaries myself I suppose and because they needed someone I felt obliged to be there, even if I barely knew them - I'm not heartless and I do care if people are suffering.

I've put a lot of effort into myself and improving my life, I didn't do that so I could be dragged back down by the miseries. With age and life experience I've come to realise that with a lot of them it's almost a choice, to focus on a negative mindset like that and to not take any action, preferring to offload on others every chance they get as a way of lightening their own load. In the second half of my life I want to focus on doing the things that brings me joy and the people that wants to do it with me. I also found that the worst moaners were the people least likely to be there for me if I had a problem of any kind or needed a small favour. So the argument about friendships being reciprocal never really applied to them.

I wonder if it's because life is so online now that those who want a whine don't get those small daily interactions any more, so instead of moaning to ten people briefly who they bumped into in a day, they're now moaning at one friend at length when they meet up every two weeks 🤷

I've just turned 50 and that's depressing. I would be peed off too. Thank god this hasn't happened in my friend group yet.

I didn’t notice friends in their 50’s being like that but I have noticed friends in their 60’s being like that. Maybe your friends are just old before their time.

Actually, I'm torn. I'm a fixer, and I also get wrong for seeing the bright side of situations. My DP will often say "before you start there is no bloody bright side".
However, I also think groups of older women go through phases like this, and we shouldn't be "fair weather friends".
I bet your friends really appreciated your efforts and saw the evening very differently to you.
I wouldn't ditch this group, I would approach things differently - play a game for instance, or some other sort of activity that will distract them from their woes.