Snotty reply from ‘friend’

[TheOpalFox]

If you asked someone what there up to and they replied what do you think I’m uoto at this time.
Would you be annoyed ? That’s a snotty reply in my eyes ?

What was your message to her?

More of a 'hi lovely, how are you? What you are up to"?

An out of the blue 'what are you up to' is very direct so a direct /sarcastic reply wouldn't surprise me.

I would have assumed it was a jokey reply, a bit of banter with you jokily implying that she's up to no good.
But only you know your friend and the relationship you normally have with her.
That's the trouble with texts when no emojis are used.

I don't know, but I do know that some people ask that kind of open ended question banally to start conversation, if you then answer 'not much', they launch into something or ask you to do something. It may be that she is very used to getting this type of message from the OP, and just finds it a really irritating way to start a conversation. I mean, if one of my friends just messaged me on a weeknight asking what I was up to I'd be a bit 🤔🙄. I wouldn't be rude back, but the answer would be something like 'sorting the washing', or 'watching saving lives at sea' or whatever. I may be a little sharper if I repeatedly got this sort of message from her.

Maybe I'm just not particularly light hearted.

Yes, this. I can't explain why it is so irritating.if it is literally just an opener, it's very childish perhaps.

It depends how close the friendship is.

I could send this reply and it not be snotty because my friends know I love my bed/sleep and I’m in it any chance I get.

I would hate this question as an adult tbh, I haven’t been asked it since I was a teen. Feels very childish.

Why were you asking what they were ‘up to’?

I’d assume this was an in to you wanting to call to chat because you were bored, or wanted to put me on the spot to do something inconvenient. I’d know this wasn’t urgent otherwise you’d have just come out and said it/called.

I’d find this irritating on a weeknight and may put something sarky back. Luckily my friends and I are similar with wind down times on weeknights so they wouldn’t text such an irritating open ended question to start with!

100% this

I don't think it's necessarily rude. Impossible to judge the tone of messages.

And if she hadn't replied, no doubt OP would be posting on MN that she'd messaged at 9pm to ask her friend what she was up to and the friend had read it but hadn't bothered to reply.
Impossible to win these days.

I don't understand why people think so little of their friends though. If she's a friend then think the best of her or accept you caught her at a bad moment and let it go. If she's not a friend, then why do you care?

You are adding a 'snotty' tone to it but it could have be said playfully/ flirty/ curiously etc? Perhaps a playful question as celebrity masterchef has just started?

Did you initiate a conversation with ‘What you up to?’ I can see she may have found it annoying. It was a Thursday night, she presumably has work in the morning, what did you imagine she would be doing.

It reminds me of people texting me ‘Hey, how’s you?’ I.e. putting all the effort of conversation on to me.

The thing with texts they may come across in a way it didn’t intend or She may be stressed, I’m getting ready for bed at 9 settle down fo read a book. Because of this I don’t text anyone other than my daughter to say good night & love you. It’s not a message I expect a reply to. I wouldn’t read to much into it. I’d ignore it & not text her that late again. If she mentions it just apologise if she thought it was a bit late. Honestly, I wouldn’t give it anymore of your time. It’s nothing more than crossed wires or you’ve texted at a bad time for her & she’s lashed out.

If one of my friends messaged me that at 9pm, I’d think they’d been hacked and it was spam. Not to be too precious about it but that’s really an annoying opening conversational gambit unless it’s someone you text very frequently or a 12 year old.

Sarcasm in my view

Bit of a strange thing to text at 9pm

I don't see that as forcing conversational effort. It's a polite conversational opener, the expectation isn't that you give a detailed answer to 'how are you?' although if it's a close friend in whom you'd normally confide issues, it's valid to reply that things aren't going well if that's the case. Otherwise, the expected response is along the lines of 'I'm well thanks, and you?'

You literally just messaged her ‘what are you up to?’

What did you want her for?

You're not very communicative OP 😁

What DO you think she was up to at 9pm?

My cousin was like this all the time. "what are you up to, what are you doing, what's up?" all the time, day and night. I have a son, she lived in the family home and never married or had kids. She worked but she had SO much free time that she'd just ring/text round to see who was free for a chat. All the time.

I found it annoying if I was busy but I never once in 30 years snapped at her. I'm nc with her now because I had a very serious illness 10 years ago to the extent the Drs told my family to start saying their goodbyes - and she never once asked my family how I was, nor visited me in hospital. She point blank stayed away. You see, it was "boring" that I was ill because it didn't entail gossiping about anyone and I realised that was the extent of our friendship - gossip.

If it’s your friend and it’s out of the ordinary you could just ask if they’re ok.

why not approach it in good faith?

or it could be tongue in cheek, tone over text is hard to gauge

Tbh, I think asking someone what they are up to is pretty rude. I’d be really irritated by that.

Your question was annoying, when I receive a message like that I always assume I'm about to be asked to do something by the sender. 'How are you?' is a much more polite opening.

But also, if she is your friend, why have you come on MN to dissect her response? A normal reaction would be to just assume you'd caught her at a bad time, apologise, and try and make contact again later.

Yes, this is the friend equivalent of when someone at work messages you on Teams saying ‘hi how are you?’ and then leaves it hanging rather than just getting to the point.

You've interrupted her evening without bringing anything to it. You want a conversation but have out the onus on her to create the content. I'd be thinking "why do you want to know?" I'm not a big telly person but might be hanging out with with my husband, having a bath, doing the ironing, wrapping presents, (not all at the same time) none of which are improved by texting someone who wants a chat but isn't prepared to do their share of the contributing. Also I'd be wary of creating an opening for you to ask me to do something. If I'm having a rest, chances are I need it!

I would have been really annoyed by your message. ‘What are you up to?’ It’s a really curt demand for information. Im not sure why you didn’t send her a nice friendly message, or tell her why you were messaging late at night.
’just thinking about you and wondering how you are? Is everything going ok’ or ‘are you busy? Are you free for a chat?’ Both would be more respectful of her time.

Her reply could have also been more flowery and wordy, but it was exactly the same as yours, basically. So don’t be in a miff about it.