My best friend of nearly 20 years and I have fallen out

[Mondura]

a long one..

My friend and I have known each other for 17 years. We both live in the UK. We’ve had a wider friendship circle since our twenties when we met but ppl move away and their lives end up going in different directions so it's not a strong group of friends anymore. I’d say she’s been a constant, supportive presence in my life throughout these years and we’ve never fallen out until a couple of months ago. I’m not even sure how things got to this point. She is turning 40 soon (a few months before me) and together with a third friend we were trying to organise something to celebrate her birthday. We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple, like going away to a cottage, just the three of us, have a few drinks, dinner, stay a night or two and just chat, laugh relax, etc. Great, nothing complicated or so I thought. Our third friend and I suggested a country pub with rooms which we’ve both been very impressed by previously, it had other locations in the UK, great service, lovely atmosphere, we were very keen to make the most of it. Our third friend sent some links and she highlighted some of the rooms have two beds, she’ll try and find maybe a family room, but can’t see a cottage on the grounds with multiple rooms. Fine, nothing has been decided and I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general. It hasn’t always been the case, we worked hard for the money we have, run a business, take risks etc. that’s not to say, they are poor, they can both afford luxury holidays, meals out, lovely clothes etc, so none of these things have ever really been an issue. My friend, the birthday girl, didn’t reply to my suggestion to book two rooms, we were all in a rush to do things that morning anyway, we knew it wasn’t going to be finalised so just left it. She then sent another link to the chat a few days later with an Airbnb link for another, cheaper cottage. We all liked it, lovely place, location, great! I was going away a few days later but was keen to finalise something for my friend so we'd have it locked in the calendar and had this short getaway to look forward to so instead of packing and getting myself organised, I prioritised this trip and started my morning looking into booking this. I told them that I’m happy to advance the payment and they can just transfer it later, I just wanted to look through the listing again to make sure it’s all to our liking and needs and I’m ready to book it. My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month. I said ok. Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then. I didn’t reply as I sensed that she was upset. We generally text or call each other almost every day, often multiple times a day, so I can read between the lines, she was not happy. I said I can look for something else, but not until I come back from my upcoming trip a week later so we can park this for now if that’s what she wants. She then messaged again saying it’s best to cancel the whole thing, all of us have different needs, she doesn’t want to go away any more, just a simple dinner is fine. I didn’t reply, because I was busy getting myself ready, I was already short on sleep and had a lot to do, I didn’t want to engage in discussing it further. It was clear that the booking wasn’t going to go ahead then. So I didn’t respond, she then private messaged me and said the same thing that it’s best to not go ahead at all with the plans. It’s her call of course, but then I replied saying I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair to now just shut it all down when we’ve all planned so much and looked forward to this ( took forever to find dates that suited us all). We were ready to book and it sounded like the ‘everyone has different needs’ is aimed at me as if my needs were too much. I said I don’t mind looking for a bigger cottage and I’ll just pay the difference for the third room if that’s the issue as it’s no problem for me. I was very polite and I tried to come up with a solution though I didn’t really understand why she got so agitated so suddenly. She then became pretty abusive saying she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled. I was shocked and started crying. I was totally oblivious to this if it was the case and really I thought I'm just booking a trip for my best friend and doing my best to be flexible.I scrolled back in the messages to see if I was rude or what exactly I said but I genuinely just stated that I don’t mind going for an extra room for myself. She knows I’m an awful sleeper, I send her screenshots of my sleep stats often and we analyse it together, I usually need a dark, quiet room and although we have shared rooms and even bed together in the past, I’d rather pay for my comfort levels approaching our 40s if we can afford it. Clearly her main issue was not me wanting a separate room, but it was deeper than that. It just seems she never expressed these to me. I stopped responding. I saw her last message later on where she says I’ve been the one person who is closest to her in the past 20 years and that she loves me, sort of like a half-assed apology where she probably realised how overboard she went. But I just couldn’t continue writing anything after all this and I had a lot to do that day anyway. I shouldn't have started the day with this booking as I had a lot on. She then tried to ring me in the afternoon and again in the evening, but I was on the school run in the afternoon, then took a sedative for the night (I don't often do this), but I had to calm down somehow and it was important that I had a good night's sleep before an early start to my flight. Over a week went past and I didn't contact her. In fact I muted her chat and the other chat too, which had all three of us in originally as I just couldn't deal with the drama plus I was away with my daughter, I didn't really have time to myself to dive into this whole 'who said what and why' saga.I also didn't want this to ruin my time away with my daughter though it definitely overshadowed it. I cried a lot at night or when she couldn't see me. I also didn't really know what to write tbh. I don't often post on social media, so whenever I snap pictures of what I do, where I am, what I eat etc, I just send a few to some selected friends and my husband. So this friend would've in normal circumstances received a lot of pics from my trip away, but I just had such a block in me. She said I rub things under her nose, so I didn't want to send her a pic of us sitting at the airport lounge. On arrival we went out of dinner to a new spot she actually specifically talked about before. I didn't want to send pics of the food. What if we spent too much? Would that be rubbing it under her nose? Suddenly everything I did felt like I was in the wrong and I was no longer able to share my life with her, because who knows what else I'd done in the past which was too much for her to handle? So I basically just parked this whole thing in my mind to deal with later and tried to enjoy my time away. A few days after getting back home, she messaged me again asking if I cared to discuss what happened at all. I replied politely and told her that I don't really know what to say and it still hasn't settled enough in me plus I'm busy catching up on life and work after returning from my trip (which she knew the length of) She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on. She became very accusatory again especially about the fact that I didn't respond at all for nearly two weeks (she said two weeks, it was a week and a half) and somehow I ended up reading more of how I did something wrong and how bad she felt during this time and that I shouldn't have just disappeared like that. I tried not to take offence, but it seemed a bit harsh from someone who was trying to mend things. So I told her I felt bad too, I just couldn't bring myself dealing with what she said as I feel like I can't be myself with her anymore. We try to text now regularly, but it's somewhat forced. It feels very awkward and I don't enjoy sharing anything with her. We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days. I reached out afterwards to meet in person finally in the hope that I'd feel differently about her or I don't really know what I expected really. We met and I don't think we discussed anything in more detail or better just because we were face to face. There was some crying, but mostly we just both tried to make the other one understand why we are hurt. We left, I texted her again the next day and we messaged since, but it's not the same. It's awful actually. I'm only texting out of some obligatory feeling. I lost a very good friend over such a stupid thing and I can't believe it's happening. We have a few things in the calendar lined up, which we haven't discussed. We take turns spending Christmas lunch at each others every year and it's their turn to host this year. We have shows booked and our children are similar ages, they are good friends and we always maintained that they see each other regularly. I think she wants the friendship to continue, but something has broken between us and I guess I can keep going like this; in a forced, uncomfortable manner but I'm looking for advice on how to get past it and feel free and comfortable again spending time with her. Right now I always just feel like any moment I can say or do something that constitutes entitled and will cross her boundaries over what is or isn't allowed. If she wasn't important to me, I could just let this all go, but I'm really struggling to let my hurt and anger, but mostly sadness go away so we can just be happy friends again planning our next adventure.

I do agree with you. Maybe your approach will work, but I suppose I would try a softly-softly approach to catch this monkey! We just seemed closer to enlightenment than I actually thought possible before the OP came back.

Fair play to you. You’ve taken on board everything everyone has said & you appreciate how you have behaved may have unintentionally hurt your friend. I didn’t get any narcissistic traits from your post at all I think you struggle with perceived disrespect. I actually did get your point. As an organiser myself it is a burden more often than not, trying to tick every box. I’ve also had my ‘privilege thrown in my face’. It’s not nice & it is hard to fit what people want to do in a tight budget. Square peg in circle comes to mind.

However, where you did lose me was the quickness your friend tried to make amends. She reacted I assume out of frustration & something that probably only mildly annoyed her came out seeming bigger than it was. Every relationship has a power imbalance & this is obviously in your favour & I think you know this & you wanted to punish her. You were hurt but I think you was more angry, hence the ghosting b/c of what you might say & the lame excuses as a reason to not meet.

To let this be a defining moment & things will never be same seem bonkers to me. You’ve both being daft. Honestly you need a good ole fashioned bashing heads together. Say you’re sorry. She will say she’s sorry & book that bloody weekend away already

You both got it a bit wrong and I think you both want to put it right op.

Have a happy catch-up!

the rewriting was 500 words less, but you didn't have to read it.

First, good on you for coming back to the thread. I do think you are still making excuses though. Your hormones were not the reason you behaved badly. The reason you have behaved badly is you are fixated only on your own perspective and unable to see how things are for your friend. When you say things like “rambling on” that sounds really unpleasant. I’m guessing you don’t mind the rambling on when you’re involved and you’re part of the chat. I mean she tolerates your sleep statistics chat but when you are upset it’s rambling on. Properly own where you went wrong No ifs, buts or whys. Just be really careful about how you phrase things or come across when you try to make amends because it sounds like a friendship too good to lose over this.

Good for you OP - you sound like you've had a think about this and seen the bigger picture. It's sad that you grew up with a narc parent, my daughter's father has NPD and I often see traits in her. I think it makes it harder for people who've grown up with that to understand that not everything revolves around them because that's what they've experienced growing up.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making sure your needs are met or your feelings are understood, but it applies to everyone! Your friend's birthday is obviously important and I hope you can all sort this out and go and have a bloody brilliant weekend away!

Money can be a very polarising issue in friendship groups, it's great that you're doing well and I'm sure your friends are happy for you, it's just they don't want it rammed down their throats. I have a friend like this in my friendship group. She never fails to let us all know how much money she has, it's grandiose and it's not a good look, and to be honest I've started actively avoiding her because I'm fed up with it. A little bit of humility goes a long way...at least you've realised :-)

I would add op, I have not read every post on this thread in detail as I am clicking in and out as a break and can't manage the time, (though I did read all of your long one!) but I would take the narc comments with a grain of salt. I hardly go a day these days without someone spitting out the phrase about someone else like a nervous tic. It gets rather indiscriminately applied to all sorts of perfectly normal, if inconvenient, behaviour with no apparent understanding it is a condition in the DSM/ICD that actually requires qualifications to diagnose.

I didn't read it.

I made my point.

So your best friend of 20 years gets upset over something minor, then apologises and you block her for a week?
I think you are being very unfair!

TBF i didnt read the rest of your post, its a lot of text.

Hard to read but the jist of it is … you are being unreasonable by keep saying you can afford to pay more for another room etc, that would piss me off, then instead of realising what you did you sulked and made it worse

Well done OP. I don't think this was all your fault in any way but it's good that you've reflected on how you might have contributed to the misunderstanding and the fall out. I really hope you get things sorted, you sound like a good person and friend. We're all human ❤️

Well done OP it’s not easy to look at ourselves critically but you have good insight (sometimes we just need reminded ) not sure you need a therapist as your already half way there and able to look objectively at yourself.

No, that's the whole point. It misses out all the stuff that caused hurt feelings and summarises it from the OP's point of view, implying that the friend was completely unreasonable and behaved in a shocking way, with no justification.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I did stop reading half way through as you'd listed every minute detail. Maybe learn to summarise!
However, this does give me an insight in to how you're feeling and how much this has affected you. And honestly I think it's about a lot more than your friendship. I think this is mostly about you.
You seem very, very busy and very, very stressed. I'm getting that you're spreading yourself too thinly. Trying to organise everything while not really having b the time to do it. But I also get the impression you volunteer yourself to take on the organisational role. Maybe it's time to step back a bit?
I think your friend made a flippant comment in the heat of the moment- like we all do- that stung you and instead of talking about it it either her you've done a flounce and blown it out of proportion. And to be honest, the impression I get from this is that you are hard work!
You say you think she wants to continue the friendship but you're struggling. So cut ties and move on.
But think about why you're feeling this way and why it's caused the reaction it has.
You can't help what you earn. I have friends who earn way more than me and it doesn't affect our friendship. I don't think she's jealous either.
What does/ did her friendship mean to you? Why are you holding back? Do you want your friend d to remain in your life? And why did one remark cause such a huge reaction?

Gosh it was a long read! TBH you have come across a bit snippy in your replies about your new car and I can see how she took offence. Personally I would have it out with her tell her exactly how you feel how you are frightened of saying too much for fear of bragging and see how it goes. Only you can change your mindset about how you are feeling. I would also bear in mind the wider connotations in that your children are close it’s not just you two who will be affected. In a nutshell the pair of you need to stop acting like overgrown teenagers and just get on with it

So English is not your first language @Mondura Frankly I think you’re amazing. I speak a number of languages but in none do I have the eloquence you show. Wonderful.
If only so many of these mean posters could demonstrate such prowess. Jealousy maybe.

Hi OP, I just wanted to respond to your last post as I had posted on your thread with some quite direct thoughts. I think you have taken the suggestions here really well and already reflect on your behaviour (and yes, you are of course also entitled to feel upset about what happened). So many people post on Mumsnet wanting advice and then shut down all suggestions, so kudos to you for being so open with the feedback! Wishing you and the friendship all the best.

Just bc you would be happy to sleep on a sofa, does not mean that OP would be. I certainly wouldn't.

Who in their right mind suggests a 2 bed place for 3 people without saying where everyone is going to sleep?

@Mondurasounds like you’ve done some worthwhile reflection, which is really positive.

I think if you work on mending things, there is no reason why you and your friend can’t repair things and continue to enjoy your friendship. Sometimes it can feel like real damage has been done, but actually it’s just a scratch and it heals without leaving much of a scar. I don’t think you can know at this stage. Give yourself more time. Get some of those birthday celebrations under your belt and hopefully time will prove a healer.

You've got some good feedback here OP, I just wanted to add that wording your messages a bit differently would have made a hell lot of a difference.

I think with the first accommodation option you were all in agreement about the fact that you can't all stay in a room with 2 single beds. If you wanted to help, you could have said "happy for you ladies to get that room and I can get my own, you know I'm a terrible sleeper so it works for me". Or simply state "well we will need two rooms to stay there" - then split the cost equally and maybe even offer the single room to the birthday girl to treat her.

With the cottage, again, you could have just said "you know I suffer with insomnia so unfortunately sharing a double bed or sleeping on the sofa will make things worse for me, are you two ok sharing, if not, I can look for a 3 bed and cover the difference in price since it's me who needs a bigger place".

No need to say "you know I can afford to get my own room". As your friend pointed out, she knows you can. So maybe instead of repeating it, focus on WHY you need bigger/better accomodation next time.

I did read it all

And tbh, I think you're right she acted poorly.
And then I think you also reacted badly.
She clearly tried to reach out to you and sort out the row/argument/unkind words.

You held off for 10 days and then when she highlighted that as being hurtful, you seem to think that's her being unreasonable. If you ignored my attempts to patch things up for nearly two weeks and then expected me to be still contrite, I might have feelings about that too. I find it odd you were so upset you cried most nights but didn't prioritize a phone call to try and sort it out for everyone's sake. You seemed to wallow in this a bit, just from what you have said. Appreciate it's not necessarily everything.

Sometimes things do break in relationships. And you both seem to not want to give up on this friendship, time might heal it but I honestly feel like you are holding yourself the injured party and not really admitting to anything that might have contributed to the problem. You said I shouldn't have tried to sort it in a rush...but don't acknowledge perhaps letting someone stew for 10 days was excessive?

If the worst has already happened, can it hurt to sit down with her and say, without any distractions - how do we fix this? I want to feel like I can be me with you and I want you to feel the same

Perhaps you do have more money and are a braggard. Perhaps you aren't and she was just being a snippy cow that day.
You don't seem to have been willing to find out. But again you give lots of details of why she's wrong but brush over the f2f conversation without much info.. why were there tears if nothing got addressed? I'm not asking because I want to know. You obviously know the answers - just wondering if you are minimising that conversation to yourself because you seem intent on remaining the injured party.

Sorry OP but lots of gaps so based on what's in your post I think you probably are being a bit precious and need to perhaps decide if you want this friendship or not. The spiked comments about what you can or can't say won't be helping. If you love your friend, clear the air and forgive her. One fraught conversation shouldn't kill a lifelong friendship but are you being honest it was just one little spat, and there's more too it you've just been avoiding facing x

I wouldn't be happy sleeping on a sofa, but I would assume if the person who wanted to book the 2 bedroom place for 3 people would be the one taking the hit on the sleeping arrangements.. otherwise why would they have even suggested it? I'd check with them before going any further with the booking.

It's the fact that OP didn't even ask, she just refused to book it because it was only 2 bedrooms and therefore, no good enough for her when she can afford to pay more for the three bedroom place she wanted.. but couldn't be arsed to look for apparently, which was the actual problem.

Seriously, all you had to do was put up with a couple of nights in a nice cottage that your friend had chosen, maybe on the sofa bed or maybe sharing a room, but come on, you’re all friends it’s not a big deal? That bit did come across as princessy and entitled. And why did you take over the booking of it? It was your friend’s choice as it was her birthday and I’m sure she was more than capable of booking it?

It wasn’t about how much a bigger cottage with an extra room cost it was about your demands. That cottage was your friend’s choice. Sending a message just with ‘it’s got two bedrooms’ was rude. It wasn’t your birthday gig, your choices are to smile and go along with whatever lovely cottage your friend picks or make your polite excuses and don’t go.

I really don’t think this is about money, that’s your explanation for it - presumably because you can’t understand why someone would be upset if it wasn’t about the money. Maybe your friends have even let you think that that’s what it’s about because saying “you’re hard work” is too blunt and rude for most people. The truth is from what you said, you sound quite controlling and demanding and incredibly judgemental about your friends income.

Then you’ve gone and dug the hole deeper and deeper. You buy a new car the friend makes polite inquiry about the new car- you refuse to talk about it and tell her you won’t talk about it because it’s an expensive thing and you think they might be upset that you buy expensive things?? I mean wow 🤯 I’ll say again, it is not about money.

I mean this kindly when I ask if you’ve ever been tested for a Neurodivergence because this level of being unable to ‘read the room’ goes a bit beyond the average faux pas. To save this friendship you’ve got to stop making ‘being rich’ your entire personality.

Ask your friends what they’ve been up to and don’t mention anything about your life and what car you’ve purchased or not purchased. Just have a bit of time together where you don’t talk about you. Maybe organise low-steaks get together at a coffee shop or similar, let them organise it. Let them tell you which coffee shop. When you are there don’t offer to order or pay for anything but your own drink, just treat other adult as adults.