My best friend of nearly 20 years and I have fallen out

[Mondura]

a long one..

My friend and I have known each other for 17 years. We both live in the UK. We’ve had a wider friendship circle since our twenties when we met but ppl move away and their lives end up going in different directions so it's not a strong group of friends anymore. I’d say she’s been a constant, supportive presence in my life throughout these years and we’ve never fallen out until a couple of months ago. I’m not even sure how things got to this point. She is turning 40 soon (a few months before me) and together with a third friend we were trying to organise something to celebrate her birthday. We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple, like going away to a cottage, just the three of us, have a few drinks, dinner, stay a night or two and just chat, laugh relax, etc. Great, nothing complicated or so I thought. Our third friend and I suggested a country pub with rooms which we’ve both been very impressed by previously, it had other locations in the UK, great service, lovely atmosphere, we were very keen to make the most of it. Our third friend sent some links and she highlighted some of the rooms have two beds, she’ll try and find maybe a family room, but can’t see a cottage on the grounds with multiple rooms. Fine, nothing has been decided and I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general. It hasn’t always been the case, we worked hard for the money we have, run a business, take risks etc. that’s not to say, they are poor, they can both afford luxury holidays, meals out, lovely clothes etc, so none of these things have ever really been an issue. My friend, the birthday girl, didn’t reply to my suggestion to book two rooms, we were all in a rush to do things that morning anyway, we knew it wasn’t going to be finalised so just left it. She then sent another link to the chat a few days later with an Airbnb link for another, cheaper cottage. We all liked it, lovely place, location, great! I was going away a few days later but was keen to finalise something for my friend so we'd have it locked in the calendar and had this short getaway to look forward to so instead of packing and getting myself organised, I prioritised this trip and started my morning looking into booking this. I told them that I’m happy to advance the payment and they can just transfer it later, I just wanted to look through the listing again to make sure it’s all to our liking and needs and I’m ready to book it. My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month. I said ok. Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then. I didn’t reply as I sensed that she was upset. We generally text or call each other almost every day, often multiple times a day, so I can read between the lines, she was not happy. I said I can look for something else, but not until I come back from my upcoming trip a week later so we can park this for now if that’s what she wants. She then messaged again saying it’s best to cancel the whole thing, all of us have different needs, she doesn’t want to go away any more, just a simple dinner is fine. I didn’t reply, because I was busy getting myself ready, I was already short on sleep and had a lot to do, I didn’t want to engage in discussing it further. It was clear that the booking wasn’t going to go ahead then. So I didn’t respond, she then private messaged me and said the same thing that it’s best to not go ahead at all with the plans. It’s her call of course, but then I replied saying I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair to now just shut it all down when we’ve all planned so much and looked forward to this ( took forever to find dates that suited us all). We were ready to book and it sounded like the ‘everyone has different needs’ is aimed at me as if my needs were too much. I said I don’t mind looking for a bigger cottage and I’ll just pay the difference for the third room if that’s the issue as it’s no problem for me. I was very polite and I tried to come up with a solution though I didn’t really understand why she got so agitated so suddenly. She then became pretty abusive saying she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled. I was shocked and started crying. I was totally oblivious to this if it was the case and really I thought I'm just booking a trip for my best friend and doing my best to be flexible.I scrolled back in the messages to see if I was rude or what exactly I said but I genuinely just stated that I don’t mind going for an extra room for myself. She knows I’m an awful sleeper, I send her screenshots of my sleep stats often and we analyse it together, I usually need a dark, quiet room and although we have shared rooms and even bed together in the past, I’d rather pay for my comfort levels approaching our 40s if we can afford it. Clearly her main issue was not me wanting a separate room, but it was deeper than that. It just seems she never expressed these to me. I stopped responding. I saw her last message later on where she says I’ve been the one person who is closest to her in the past 20 years and that she loves me, sort of like a half-assed apology where she probably realised how overboard she went. But I just couldn’t continue writing anything after all this and I had a lot to do that day anyway. I shouldn't have started the day with this booking as I had a lot on. She then tried to ring me in the afternoon and again in the evening, but I was on the school run in the afternoon, then took a sedative for the night (I don't often do this), but I had to calm down somehow and it was important that I had a good night's sleep before an early start to my flight. Over a week went past and I didn't contact her. In fact I muted her chat and the other chat too, which had all three of us in originally as I just couldn't deal with the drama plus I was away with my daughter, I didn't really have time to myself to dive into this whole 'who said what and why' saga.I also didn't want this to ruin my time away with my daughter though it definitely overshadowed it. I cried a lot at night or when she couldn't see me. I also didn't really know what to write tbh. I don't often post on social media, so whenever I snap pictures of what I do, where I am, what I eat etc, I just send a few to some selected friends and my husband. So this friend would've in normal circumstances received a lot of pics from my trip away, but I just had such a block in me. She said I rub things under her nose, so I didn't want to send her a pic of us sitting at the airport lounge. On arrival we went out of dinner to a new spot she actually specifically talked about before. I didn't want to send pics of the food. What if we spent too much? Would that be rubbing it under her nose? Suddenly everything I did felt like I was in the wrong and I was no longer able to share my life with her, because who knows what else I'd done in the past which was too much for her to handle? So I basically just parked this whole thing in my mind to deal with later and tried to enjoy my time away. A few days after getting back home, she messaged me again asking if I cared to discuss what happened at all. I replied politely and told her that I don't really know what to say and it still hasn't settled enough in me plus I'm busy catching up on life and work after returning from my trip (which she knew the length of) She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on. She became very accusatory again especially about the fact that I didn't respond at all for nearly two weeks (she said two weeks, it was a week and a half) and somehow I ended up reading more of how I did something wrong and how bad she felt during this time and that I shouldn't have just disappeared like that. I tried not to take offence, but it seemed a bit harsh from someone who was trying to mend things. So I told her I felt bad too, I just couldn't bring myself dealing with what she said as I feel like I can't be myself with her anymore. We try to text now regularly, but it's somewhat forced. It feels very awkward and I don't enjoy sharing anything with her. We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days. I reached out afterwards to meet in person finally in the hope that I'd feel differently about her or I don't really know what I expected really. We met and I don't think we discussed anything in more detail or better just because we were face to face. There was some crying, but mostly we just both tried to make the other one understand why we are hurt. We left, I texted her again the next day and we messaged since, but it's not the same. It's awful actually. I'm only texting out of some obligatory feeling. I lost a very good friend over such a stupid thing and I can't believe it's happening. We have a few things in the calendar lined up, which we haven't discussed. We take turns spending Christmas lunch at each others every year and it's their turn to host this year. We have shows booked and our children are similar ages, they are good friends and we always maintained that they see each other regularly. I think she wants the friendship to continue, but something has broken between us and I guess I can keep going like this; in a forced, uncomfortable manner but I'm looking for advice on how to get past it and feel free and comfortable again spending time with her. Right now I always just feel like any moment I can say or do something that constitutes entitled and will cross her boundaries over what is or isn't allowed. If she wasn't important to me, I could just let this all go, but I'm really struggling to let my hurt and anger, but mostly sadness go away so we can just be happy friends again planning our next adventure.

I think it was a mistake to ignore her, letting your hurt feelings fester and causing her anxiety that you weren’t going to speak to her again. If you haven’t already, it might be helpful to acknowledge that and give a genuine apology. Hopefully the dust will all settle.

honestly between AI bullshit/drivel and the absolute garbage site consistently crashing and non returning bot posters I am wondering what the hell am I doing here!

You’ve caused all this. Sorry but you have. You’re the reason your friendship is doa

Oh is that was it was! I've never come across a post quite like it!

Here, I’ve ChatGPTed it to 120 words:

You’ve been close friends for 17 years, but a recent attempt to organise her 40th birthday trip unexpectedly caused a major fallout. A simple cottage break turned tense when room arrangements were discussed, and your friend suddenly reacted as though you were flaunting your finances, accusing you of being entitled. Shocked and hurt, you stepped back while travelling with your daughter, unsure how to respond and afraid to share anything in case it was misinterpreted. Attempts to reconnect since have felt forced, with both of you emotional but unable to resolve the underlying issue. Although you both seem to want the friendship to continue, something feels broken, leaving you anxious, sad, and unsure how to regain comfort and trust.

Is that about right?

And you quoted the whole sodding thing for everyone else to have to scroll through for about the tenth time.

That’s you on my festive shit-list, @Calliopespa

Just. Don't. Fucking. AI. It.

Sorry 😬

You should have made time in your very very busy life to meet up with her and talk about in person. Thats what normal people do when there are problems in relationships. But no.

I read the whole thing. I admit it was heavy going and it just kept coming, but I don't understand the posters who write just to criticize the lack of paragraphs or length, poor attention span, is hardly a badge of honour. Why do some people need a gap between every four lines of text, do you go for a kit-kat or something?

OP it is a shame that this has blown up, it won't fix itself you need to really listen to each other if you want to fix it. And you can only control your own behaviour so you must be the first to actively listen to your friend and accept her feelings (even if you feel like she isn't paying you the same courtesy), hopefully this will lead to her eventually listening to you and accepting your feelings. It may take some time.

Yeah you do come across as though you see yourself as ‘superior’ to them, no matter how you dress it up.

What has happened to MN?

Why do so many posters seem to feel the need to go out of their way to be nasty or bitchy, especially when someone is clearly upset?

You don't have to read it. Just scroll past without replying rather than writing a catty reply.

@Mondura it sounds hurtful. You need to decide if you can move past it or not. If you can, you need to stop making snide remarks. I get that you were hurt, but take the high road. Good luck.

Sorry everyone! It was me who ChatGPT’d it in the first place. I thought it was quite interesting.

MN went through a nasty phase then it calmed down and I noticed people are suddenly really nasty again. I think it’s Christmas stress.

@Mondura it was your response to her unreasonableness that has caused the relationship breakdown im afraid. Leaving her hanging after she tried multiple times to contact you will have left a really sour taste for her, especially on top of whatever was underlying the original problem

And you quoted the whole sodding thing for everyone else to have to scroll through for about the tenth time.
That’s you on my festive shit-list,

Yes, but so did you @TheAutumnCrow. Do you go on your own festive shit-list 😁😇

If she would have written that, people would have said she was being deliberately vague on exactly what was said.

OP, I think your friend was being really oversensitive. You might be able to get over it, but I think with friendships, when something like this happens, it never really goes back to how it was. You can’t be the same when you know what she thinks of you and you can’t constantly watch what you say do r fear of her blowing up. I think you can either be friends but it’ll be very different to how it was or you just let it drift. I’d be inclined to do the latter.

OP paraphrases "War and Peace" in 1 para - the original is still shorter.

Doesn't like the 19 pages of advice, all saying the same thing, so ghosts MN.

Recognise anything?

So many things you could have done differently yet everything you chose to do was about you and around what suited you.

You could have pointed out the lack of a third bedroom, but suggested you book it if cancellable and see if you could find somewhere with three bedrooms instead before the cancellation date.

It reads as though you feel you can call the shots then leave everyone waiting for the right time for you to sort out what you want, never mind what anyone else wants or putting the feelings of your friend whose birthday trip it is supposed to be ahead of your own.

You've prioritised your own hurt over your friend's hurt and failed to respond to her. You don't seem very self-aware. Your friend is prepared get past your, frankly, awful high-handed behaviour. I think you need to look at yourself and think where you went wrong.

I also wonder if you need to find some techniques to deal with stress instead of parking things until you are ready and stewing on them in the meantime. You chose not to spend what, a few minutes?, responding to your friend because you were away with your daughter. You can't sensibly compartmentalise different aspects of your life and find the perfect time to deal with everything without potentially causing bigger issues. As you've found out. This is the major cause of the problems.

So more self awareness and stop making friends wait for you to deign the time is right to discuss things or that accommodation is only suitable when you've rubber stamped it. And learn some compromise.

Your friend has an empty “child free” life,where she has time to throw juvenile tantrums over her birthday,.not counting hereelf lucky she has 2 people who are happy to five up family time and pay for it on her behalf, you have a family and you are doing ok- shes envious. Move on, you are on different paths.

Thought it’s just me who cannot finish the text. Can you summarize it?

It’s difficult to know where you’ve come up with this from, other than your own prejudices. The OP specifically says the friend has a child the same age as one of hers.

From an outside point of view, and I read the whole thing, you were being unreasonable first. It's your friends birthday, ultimately she should decide where she wants to go for her birthday. You shut down all her choices and offered to pay more for other options. She didn't want other options she wanted the cottage. If the cottage only had two rooms, couldn't third friend share with birthday friend? Or you have the pull down bed? Or, don't prioritise sleep on your friends birthday trip, share with her and catch up on sleep another day? It would have been a couple of nights, not forever. The reason she probably cancelled was because she had enough of the negative responses towards her suggestions on her birthday. You should have just said yes to the cottage and all would have been fine. Instead she got frustrated.
Your reaction to being called self entitled and this situation was very over the top, and honestly it sounds like you know you were being too much and trying to change to the victim.. If anything your friend should be feeling this way as her plans for a very special birthday went up the spout because you had to keep trying to change it to fit YOUR needs. Yes, she's right, your needs were too much for a simple trip away.
You probably should have apologised first and said sorry for coming across as difficult booking her birthday.. she shouldn't have called yourself entitled however, she's going to call you out on how you were behaving at the time.

If you want this friendship to go back to how it was then take some humble pie and say sorry, you should have just booked the cottage and swallowed your needs. If it's not too late, rearrange and book something for her birthday, go for the time away. It feels tense because you both think you haven't done anything wrong and are being stubborn. In reality, I think it is you in the wrong.
Life's too short to be arguing. Make it right and go back to your friendship. If you feel you really can't move on from it then don't force it. It's uncomfortable for the kids knowing there is an atmosphere. They can still be friends if you aren't as close with their parents..

I do feel that YABU. Your friend told you clearly what she wanted and on more than one occasion you said that wasn’t suitable or sent a different suggestion. It’s her birthday. You said the one she sent was cheaper, maybe she feels you’re being snobby and pushing the price up to suggest the other ones - hard to know without seeing them but it could explain her annoyance. Perhaps this has happened before and it’s hit a nerve with her. Perhaps she doesn’t have the funds available you think she does.

Yes, she probably went a bit far, but you’ve been friends a long time and she should be able to be honest with you. I am the worst at responding to messages but it’s often when it’s something I don’t want to respond to and it seems as though you’ve done the same. I certainly wouldn’t have left this the way you did. You had plenty of time to respond with at least something to try to salvage a long and steady friendship but you’ve been childish and pig-headed and made it into a much bigger deal than it needed to be. She’s reached out multiple times (which although the issue was caused initially by her, takes courage to do) and you’ve pied her in the face each time. You have caused this to go sour in the way that it has.

Imagine if you were on the other end - having made a mistake, you tried to apologise multiple times and were met with a brick wall. I’d expect more from such a good friend.

If you genuinely want this friendship to continue you really need to meet up and discuss it properly. Be honest with the way her comment made you feel, and she needs to explain why she said it. You should be open to what she says - not immediately go on the defence. She’s known you a long time and is saying it for a reason.

This. Just this. ⬆️🤷‍♀️