My best friend of nearly 20 years and I have fallen out

[Mondura]

a long one..

My friend and I have known each other for 17 years. We both live in the UK. We’ve had a wider friendship circle since our twenties when we met but ppl move away and their lives end up going in different directions so it's not a strong group of friends anymore. I’d say she’s been a constant, supportive presence in my life throughout these years and we’ve never fallen out until a couple of months ago. I’m not even sure how things got to this point. She is turning 40 soon (a few months before me) and together with a third friend we were trying to organise something to celebrate her birthday. We all had some ideas, put them in the group chat but she decided she just wanted something simple, like going away to a cottage, just the three of us, have a few drinks, dinner, stay a night or two and just chat, laugh relax, etc. Great, nothing complicated or so I thought. Our third friend and I suggested a country pub with rooms which we’ve both been very impressed by previously, it had other locations in the UK, great service, lovely atmosphere, we were very keen to make the most of it. Our third friend sent some links and she highlighted some of the rooms have two beds, she’ll try and find maybe a family room, but can’t see a cottage on the grounds with multiple rooms. Fine, nothing has been decided and I said I’m happy to take a separate room maybe next to them and don’t mind the extra cost if they prefer sharing the two-bed one. We’ve known each other for a long time, all three of us know that I can afford a bit more in life in general. It hasn’t always been the case, we worked hard for the money we have, run a business, take risks etc. that’s not to say, they are poor, they can both afford luxury holidays, meals out, lovely clothes etc, so none of these things have ever really been an issue. My friend, the birthday girl, didn’t reply to my suggestion to book two rooms, we were all in a rush to do things that morning anyway, we knew it wasn’t going to be finalised so just left it. She then sent another link to the chat a few days later with an Airbnb link for another, cheaper cottage. We all liked it, lovely place, location, great! I was going away a few days later but was keen to finalise something for my friend so we'd have it locked in the calendar and had this short getaway to look forward to so instead of packing and getting myself organised, I prioritised this trip and started my morning looking into booking this. I told them that I’m happy to advance the payment and they can just transfer it later, I just wanted to look through the listing again to make sure it’s all to our liking and needs and I’m ready to book it. My friend messaged back that it’s fine and if it’s ok if she transfers her share the following month. I said ok. Then I was looking for the room configuration on the listing which was a bit hard to figure out, but I found it and it was a cottage with two double bedrooms and a living room with a sofa (not pull out). I sent in a screenshot with the caption “this one only has two bedrooms”. This is where things kicked off. She seemed to have gotten really upset and replied that I should just find another one then. I didn’t reply as I sensed that she was upset. We generally text or call each other almost every day, often multiple times a day, so I can read between the lines, she was not happy. I said I can look for something else, but not until I come back from my upcoming trip a week later so we can park this for now if that’s what she wants. She then messaged again saying it’s best to cancel the whole thing, all of us have different needs, she doesn’t want to go away any more, just a simple dinner is fine. I didn’t reply, because I was busy getting myself ready, I was already short on sleep and had a lot to do, I didn’t want to engage in discussing it further. It was clear that the booking wasn’t going to go ahead then. So I didn’t respond, she then private messaged me and said the same thing that it’s best to not go ahead at all with the plans. It’s her call of course, but then I replied saying I don’t understand and I don’t think it’s fair to now just shut it all down when we’ve all planned so much and looked forward to this ( took forever to find dates that suited us all). We were ready to book and it sounded like the ‘everyone has different needs’ is aimed at me as if my needs were too much. I said I don’t mind looking for a bigger cottage and I’ll just pay the difference for the third room if that’s the issue as it’s no problem for me. I was very polite and I tried to come up with a solution though I didn’t really understand why she got so agitated so suddenly. She then became pretty abusive saying she knows I can afford it, I rub this under their noses all the time. Last time when our other friend sent a link, I also told them I can afford a separate room for myself and that’s it’s not cool and I should really have a think about how I communicate because I come across entitled. I was shocked and started crying. I was totally oblivious to this if it was the case and really I thought I'm just booking a trip for my best friend and doing my best to be flexible.I scrolled back in the messages to see if I was rude or what exactly I said but I genuinely just stated that I don’t mind going for an extra room for myself. She knows I’m an awful sleeper, I send her screenshots of my sleep stats often and we analyse it together, I usually need a dark, quiet room and although we have shared rooms and even bed together in the past, I’d rather pay for my comfort levels approaching our 40s if we can afford it. Clearly her main issue was not me wanting a separate room, but it was deeper than that. It just seems she never expressed these to me. I stopped responding. I saw her last message later on where she says I’ve been the one person who is closest to her in the past 20 years and that she loves me, sort of like a half-assed apology where she probably realised how overboard she went. But I just couldn’t continue writing anything after all this and I had a lot to do that day anyway. I shouldn't have started the day with this booking as I had a lot on. She then tried to ring me in the afternoon and again in the evening, but I was on the school run in the afternoon, then took a sedative for the night (I don't often do this), but I had to calm down somehow and it was important that I had a good night's sleep before an early start to my flight. Over a week went past and I didn't contact her. In fact I muted her chat and the other chat too, which had all three of us in originally as I just couldn't deal with the drama plus I was away with my daughter, I didn't really have time to myself to dive into this whole 'who said what and why' saga.I also didn't want this to ruin my time away with my daughter though it definitely overshadowed it. I cried a lot at night or when she couldn't see me. I also didn't really know what to write tbh. I don't often post on social media, so whenever I snap pictures of what I do, where I am, what I eat etc, I just send a few to some selected friends and my husband. So this friend would've in normal circumstances received a lot of pics from my trip away, but I just had such a block in me. She said I rub things under her nose, so I didn't want to send her a pic of us sitting at the airport lounge. On arrival we went out of dinner to a new spot she actually specifically talked about before. I didn't want to send pics of the food. What if we spent too much? Would that be rubbing it under her nose? Suddenly everything I did felt like I was in the wrong and I was no longer able to share my life with her, because who knows what else I'd done in the past which was too much for her to handle? So I basically just parked this whole thing in my mind to deal with later and tried to enjoy my time away. A few days after getting back home, she messaged me again asking if I cared to discuss what happened at all. I replied politely and told her that I don't really know what to say and it still hasn't settled enough in me plus I'm busy catching up on life and work after returning from my trip (which she knew the length of) She said we should meet in person to discuss, but I told her I genuinely don't have time to know go out in the evening for this as I've only just got back and my other daughter terribly missed me and I just generally have a lot on. She became very accusatory again especially about the fact that I didn't respond at all for nearly two weeks (she said two weeks, it was a week and a half) and somehow I ended up reading more of how I did something wrong and how bad she felt during this time and that I shouldn't have just disappeared like that. I tried not to take offence, but it seemed a bit harsh from someone who was trying to mend things. So I told her I felt bad too, I just couldn't bring myself dealing with what she said as I feel like I can't be myself with her anymore. We try to text now regularly, but it's somewhat forced. It feels very awkward and I don't enjoy sharing anything with her. We got our car stolen a few months back and we recently got a brand new, better car and she was very interested in it previously. The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose. She then stopped replying for a few days. I reached out afterwards to meet in person finally in the hope that I'd feel differently about her or I don't really know what I expected really. We met and I don't think we discussed anything in more detail or better just because we were face to face. There was some crying, but mostly we just both tried to make the other one understand why we are hurt. We left, I texted her again the next day and we messaged since, but it's not the same. It's awful actually. I'm only texting out of some obligatory feeling. I lost a very good friend over such a stupid thing and I can't believe it's happening. We have a few things in the calendar lined up, which we haven't discussed. We take turns spending Christmas lunch at each others every year and it's their turn to host this year. We have shows booked and our children are similar ages, they are good friends and we always maintained that they see each other regularly. I think she wants the friendship to continue, but something has broken between us and I guess I can keep going like this; in a forced, uncomfortable manner but I'm looking for advice on how to get past it and feel free and comfortable again spending time with her. Right now I always just feel like any moment I can say or do something that constitutes entitled and will cross her boundaries over what is or isn't allowed. If she wasn't important to me, I could just let this all go, but I'm really struggling to let my hurt and anger, but mostly sadness go away so we can just be happy friends again planning our next adventure.

I read the whole thing and sorry OP your in the wrong. You do rub your wealth into your friends faces and your friend has every right to be pissed off. You should apologise and repair the relationship as she is trying to do. Its your friends birthday and she chose a nice little cottage that she could afford and was very happy with and all you should have done was booked the cottage without saying another word and either shared a bed or slept on the couch and sucked it up for 2 nights. And then you come back after ghosting for nearly 2 weeks with a smart remark about your brand new car . You are very entitled and shame your friends who have less and when they confronted you, you had a fit. My husband makes more money then our friends hes always had good income and we have never gone without and can afford the things we want but would never ever say that to our friends, I would never tell them I can afford bigger and better just for extra comfort. Always pointing that out must be frustrating for your friends.

Were we reading the same post?

Interesting you think a childfree life must be empty. How unimaginative.

it Is post under AIBU on a mainly anonymous group. You are going to get a very honest & direct responses from people. It doesn’t excuse nastiness but even if you consider the comments about being richer than you etc. it’s just people expressing how they think the poster maybe like. Sometimes people need to hear this because those closest to them would never dare point this out. (Because this is the kind of thing that happens).

not related to this post but my gosh there are people that post on this forum who do not want to hear another view. They want validation that their feelings/behaviour & opinions are correct. They actively after people to applaud or feel
sorry for them & are shocked, offended & feel bullied when people don’t. This topic isn’t for the easily offended.

STOP IT

I think she blew up because it’s just getting too messy and complicated , also sorting things never works when some people take hours / days to respond . I don’t blame her for just wanting a simple meal tbh .

First friends fall out and make up that's what a good friend is..second you do go on a lot about how your better off so that will definitely come across in real life. Third you sound totally childish tbh big apology small apology the friend did it...were all allowed bad off days you know without it becoming a scene

Please can people stop quoting the OP when they make a comment! Generally it’s silly but huge amounts of scrolling required in this case!

Not the point of the read but why do so many posters insist on quoting the (extremely long) OP?? 🤦‍♀️

They probably think it will be automatically minimised to the first line.

Seems to be a fault if it's not working.

All of this. Your only hope for sorting this out is is meeting up and having a proper conversation about it. Be prepared to acknowledge that ghosting your friend was not a great response. If that doesn't work, at least you will have tried.

No offence but you sound very entitled and self centred. You ghosted your friend for weeks because you had “no time/too busy”, “couldn’t face it”, “didn’t want the drama” (which you added to, btw) yet you cried all the time because of it?!
You do rub it in her nose that you’re better off, you didn’t have to say you didn’t mind paying for own room so many times! Also your reply re the car was … off the scale bad!
It was your friend’s birthday and you should have sucked it up and go with her suggestion - it was supposed to be about her not about you.

Sorry OP, but you don’t sound like a friend that I would like to have, she will be better off without you!

I have a friend who has much more money than me, we went away for a few days and she booked the accommodation. It was so expensive! She didn’t offer to pay more than half. Ok….. but she also didn’t buy me even a lunch while we were away, and was in fact a bit nit picky about everything being 50/50.. she didn’t even buy me a coffee. Why is it that people believe they can be friends, yet not be generous. I don’t actually understand.

You sound a bit mean and grabby. Why does your friend need to spend money on you in order for you to feel well treated in this friendship? Why did you have/agree for her to book it without telling her your budget, that’s your own fault not hers.

OP:
IF you had wanted to fix this or were genuinely upset ,/ interested and concerned to know how she feels your response would have been something like this:

”oh bloody hell, Friend, I am so sorry, I had no idea you felt like this or I was coming across like this. Please, let’s talk, you know I am dashing off on trip but you mean everything to me as a friend. Can we talk when I am back? Love XXX”

Instead you blocked it out, searched messages for proof that you had not been ‘rude’, (missing the point, which was not rudeness but something you didn’t understand was happening so needed to know more of), just didn’t address it at all.

And then this, which was actually passive aggressive and nasty : The car arrived after our fall out and she casually asked what it's like to drive it. I told her I think it's best not to analyse it as the new car is too expensive and I don't want to rub anything under her nose

OK , your friend’s initial outburst was not good, but have a look at your refusal to listen to criticism or feedback, your concern with yourself rather than get upset and your constant avoidance and refusal to have discussed it with her face to face.

What to do now?

Meet her. Say “look Friend, I am so sorry, I never did give you the chance to talk about your reaction to the cottage booking thing, and I didn’t address it when it happened. It’s on my conscience. Could we talk the whole thing through?” And then LISTEN. Don’t deflect, or argue, just listen to how she came to see it like that from her pov. Accept that that is how she came to that feeling, and then calmly explain from your pov. . Not in a manner designed to ‘prove her wrong’ , just how it is from your pov.

Worth a go?

Gosh, you sound harsh and judgmental!

I think you were thoughtless continually finding issues with an airbnb that was for her birthday - she got tired of it and felt you were just getting in the way of something supposed to be easy

you sound like a massive drama llama

I'm afraid I couldn't get through all that, but I do think you're being unreasonable.

You say you're good friends, she's been a major emotional support in your life, but you're willing to risk that friendship by not going along with her birthday plans?

Sometimes you have to put your own wants and needs aside and go with the flow. Money might not be such an issue for you, but the fact that booking individual rooms in a nice hotel isn't part of the plan does show that money may be an issue for your two friends.

It's her 40th birthday and there's every chance you have made her feel that your needs are more important than her birthday, or that her plans aren't good enough for you.

Maybe it's time to look at the bigger picture here, this isn't about you, it's about three friends celebrating a milestone birthday and ensuring that the birthday girl has a wonderful time.

I would apologise to your friend, tell her you just want her to enjoy her birthday and spend the time with her. Just say you got a bit panicky about sharing a room and that you made a far bigger issue of it than it needed to be. I hope she'll understand, but really be honest with yourself about your behaviour, if you regularly put your own needs before everyone else's and try and control things to suit yourself then they, quite rightly, might have had enough and you will need to do some damage limitation.

I have a friend who's probably similar to you in this situation, I love her to bits and we're always there for each other, but because she's (by her own admission) quite neurotic she always has to control accommodation, where people eat, where they go, what they do etc. She finds it very hard to relinquish control and I know she's lost other friends and fallen out with family because of it. I'm not saying you're neurotic btw, just that maybe you need to look at the bigger picture and work out why you're finding it so difficult to go along with your friends' plans.

You’re both being twats but you have been a bit of a cow with some barbed remarks and stuff. Bit abrupt.

if I were you, I would call her, say you’ve both been idiots, really want to outhit behind you and start again. Sounds like a valuable friendship which is rare.

People seem to be looking for an outlet so they jump on an op or poster even over trivial or irrelevant points. There is a thread about an op who is alone for Christmas and a poster banging on derisively about use of the word twixmas.

And opinions can't just be expressed as one in a series of opinions: they have to shame and belittle alternative views. It is getting tedious.

yup.

Brilliant, and with the problem stated succinctly, it seems easily solvable.

Totally agree. I have within the last 10 mins written a full response to your post…only for this site to crash and lost the lot.

Your comment about the car was really not cool.

There has been a falling out, your friend is trying to move past it, you are the one carrying this bullshit on. Grow up and decide if you really do want to lose a 20 year friendship over this.

I do think you sound hard work. All this… oh god can is end her pictures of the food… oh my daughter missed me terribly so I couldn’t speak to you. I do think it was a major error to ignore her when she reached out. Sounds like you lean on her for a lot of basic elements of self management, if she doesn’t mind this then perhaps you needed to treasure her a little more. Or even if you are so well off, say it’s my treat I am paying for everyone for the weekend.

Yeah not reading all that, assume it was a "i want to do things my way, they want to do thing their way" falling out.