Page 38 | To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

IGrewUpInTheFallOut · 2025-11-30T19:21:02+00:00

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be. I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself. When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep. He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him. I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed. I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come. AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

SleeplessInWherever · 02/12/2025 21:10

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 20:23

He appears never to attack men and OP added "It’s largely at home, around his mum, sister, and me, that this happens"

I have noticed that aggressive males, with or without cognitive challenges always seem to know who the vulnerable females/children/other vulnerable people are when push come to shove, or bite comes to arm.

His grandmother has also also acknowledged the possibility of his violence when OP noted that she babysits "Very rarely. Funnily enough she thinks it’s too much of a risk because he could overpower her!"

In my life experience (which does include spending time around males with cognitive challenges) a male with cognitive challenges, be it autism or anything else, very rarely assaults someone capable of defending themselves effectively. It also rarely happens in front of witnesses who could actually overpower him.

And be that as it may, whether the nephew was unable to prevent himself from viciously assaulting OP or chose his moment as he knew she could not defend herself, she simply and understandably does not feel safe around him anymore, and is justified in removing herself from the male who assaulted her and the relatives who don't care about her perfectly reasonable fears and feelings.

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In my experience, that’s less to gender and more to do with “quickest route to getting my own way.”

Our kid, for example, doesn’t have the capacity to be sexist.

But what he does like, and makes known he likes, is being in charge. He’s aware of his own size and strength now, unfortunately, and is far more likely to be physically defiant or even aggressive towards people who he believes he has that upper hand over, and therefore as he sees it he can make “give in.”

It’s unfortunate that is, in my case, because I’m short and female, but that’s not his driving factor. Getting what he wants is.

That’s why I don’t believe OPs sister should have left him with her if he was heightened. I know when our son is heightened, and can actually handle his aggression, but I would never expect anyone else to and certainly wouldn’t leave him overnight if I thought that’s what might happen.

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 21:15

SleeplessInWherever · 02/12/2025 21:10

In my experience, that’s less to gender and more to do with “quickest route to getting my own way.”

Our kid, for example, doesn’t have the capacity to be sexist.

But what he does like, and makes known he likes, is being in charge. He’s aware of his own size and strength now, unfortunately, and is far more likely to be physically defiant or even aggressive towards people who he believes he has that upper hand over, and therefore as he sees it he can make “give in.”

It’s unfortunate that is, in my case, because I’m short and female, but that’s not his driving factor. Getting what he wants is.

That’s why I don’t believe OPs sister should have left him with her if he was heightened. I know when our son is heightened, and can actually handle his aggression, but I would never expect anyone else to and certainly wouldn’t leave him overnight if I thought that’s what might happen.

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It has nothing to do with sexism and everything to do with a vulnerable person unable to protect and defend themselves from violence, which is why I mentioned other vulnerable people. Some men and boys calculate the risks and rarely seem to risk it when the other person can stop them or hurt them.

She doesn't want to babysit him anymore, and will not be doing so, which is fair and reasonable.

ChristinaXYZ · 02/12/2025 21:30

IGrewUpInTheFallOut · 30/11/2025 19:44

But I don’t see why I should calm down. It’s been twenty four hours (ish) and I still feel the same way. He’s attacked me and I’m being labelled as the one in the wrong for not feeling comfortable being around him unless his behaviour is challenged

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Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for your sister you were assaulted. She's damn lucky you haven't taken it to the police.

For your own sake I would still go at Christmas but don't be alone with him again. You've told her what you think. You can't make her discipline him. Don't get yourself ostracised by the wider family even if you are in the right and feel like digging your heels in. In a sense you're making a huge point by refusing to babysit. I guess that will be a big blow for her. Leave it at that. She's going to have hands even more full. Any repeat however minor with you or anyone else then you're well with in your rights to stay away till she gets him further help somehow.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 02/12/2025 22:25

ChristinaXYZ · 02/12/2025 21:30

Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for your sister you were assaulted. She's damn lucky you haven't taken it to the police.

For your own sake I would still go at Christmas but don't be alone with him again. You've told her what you think. You can't make her discipline him. Don't get yourself ostracised by the wider family even if you are in the right and feel like digging your heels in. In a sense you're making a huge point by refusing to babysit. I guess that will be a big blow for her. Leave it at that. She's going to have hands even more full. Any repeat however minor with you or anyone else then you're well with in your rights to stay away till she gets him further help somehow.

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The police wouldn't do a thing, despite what you want to believe. He's a minor with intellectual/emotional regulation issues. They would offer the mom some assistance, but would not arrest the child or anything.

sunshineday850 · 02/12/2025 22:47

Some of these replies are shocking. You've been assaulted and have what is quite clearly a bite mark. Sorry you've been through this OP, and even more sorry for the reaction of your family.

It absolutely shouldn't just be ignored by your sister because it only reinforces that the behaviour is okay. He's high functioning, goes to mainstream school and generally can regulate his emotions. So if that's the case, on the instances where he can't regulate and it leads to physical violence it needs to be addressed. It's not doing him any favours because when he's over 18 this would absolutely be police involvement, for example if this was to a friend or girlfriend.

Ignoring this will only lead to problems down the line.

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:02

ChristinaXYZ · 02/12/2025 21:30

Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for your sister you were assaulted. She's damn lucky you haven't taken it to the police.

For your own sake I would still go at Christmas but don't be alone with him again. You've told her what you think. You can't make her discipline him. Don't get yourself ostracised by the wider family even if you are in the right and feel like digging your heels in. In a sense you're making a huge point by refusing to babysit. I guess that will be a big blow for her. Leave it at that. She's going to have hands even more full. Any repeat however minor with you or anyone else then you're well with in your rights to stay away till she gets him further help somehow.

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It's for her own sake that she doesn't want to go at Christmas. She would have to sit in the room with the male who is stronger than she is and who violently assaulted her while her mother and sister pretend everything is normal.

While I could get over being physically assaulted in time, I could never, ever forget that a person I had trusted had suddenly got up from their bed and launched themselves at me, chewing on my arm and hanging on biting it while I screamed and begged them to let go.

And I would absolutely never choose to be in that person's company again, and if possible would simply avoid them forever.

That's a sensible, fair reaction to such an assault, particularly given his violent attack has been glossed over and minimised by the two other adults she would have to share Christmas with.

IPM · 02/12/2025 23:11

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:02

It's for her own sake that she doesn't want to go at Christmas. She would have to sit in the room with the male who is stronger than she is and who violently assaulted her while her mother and sister pretend everything is normal.

While I could get over being physically assaulted in time, I could never, ever forget that a person I had trusted had suddenly got up from their bed and launched themselves at me, chewing on my arm and hanging on biting it while I screamed and begged them to let go.

And I would absolutely never choose to be in that person's company again, and if possible would simply avoid them forever.

That's a sensible, fair reaction to such an assault, particularly given his violent attack has been glossed over and minimised by the two other adults she would have to share Christmas with.

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Yeah but the OP said she'll go if her sister stops a bit of screen time as a punishment.

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:15

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 02/12/2025 22:25

The police wouldn't do a thing, despite what you want to believe. He's a minor with intellectual/emotional regulation issues. They would offer the mom some assistance, but would not arrest the child or anything.

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This is untrue and appears to be wishful thinking on the part of many of commenters.

Autism UK recognises that an autistic teenager can be charged with a crime and has information in place to help carers and guardians deal with such an event.

As he is 14, he is old enough to be arrested.

www. dot autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/criminal-justice/criminal-justice/professionals

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:20

IPM · 02/12/2025 23:11

Yeah but the OP said she'll go if her sister stops a bit of screen time as a punishment.

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No, she didn't say that. As you are fully aware.

At at one point she mentioned that as a possible discipline when someone asked what she suggested - instead of what her sister did which was to have a chat, no apology, no further consequence and then take him to his favourite place the next day.

Op then stated later she did not wish to involve herself in the type of discipline and had just been thinking of ideas when asked.

OP stated repeatedly that she is frightened and that one of the reasons for that is the complete minimisation and dismissal of the savage and unprovoked attack.

OP made it clear that the violent assault frightened her and she does not feel that his mother and grandmother care about her safety or have any strategies in place if he attacks her again.

But you already know all of this too.

IPM · 02/12/2025 23:32

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:20

No, she didn't say that. As you are fully aware.

At at one point she mentioned that as a possible discipline when someone asked what she suggested - instead of what her sister did which was to have a chat, no apology, no further consequence and then take him to his favourite place the next day.

Op then stated later she did not wish to involve herself in the type of discipline and had just been thinking of ideas when asked.

OP stated repeatedly that she is frightened and that one of the reasons for that is the complete minimisation and dismissal of the savage and unprovoked attack.

OP made it clear that the violent assault frightened her and she does not feel that his mother and grandmother care about her safety or have any strategies in place if he attacks her again.

But you already know all of this too.

Edited

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She said she'd go if the boy gets a punishment because she'll feel more 'supported'.

So I'm not sure she's as terrified as you made out in your previous post, otherwise a punishment would make no difference.

And it in no way guarantees that her sister would stop an attack anyway just because she agreed to do what the OP wants.

Tourmalines · 02/12/2025 23:37

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 02/12/2025 22:25

The police wouldn't do a thing, despite what you want to believe. He's a minor with intellectual/emotional regulation issues. They would offer the mom some assistance, but would not arrest the child or anything.

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Yes , he can certainly be charged. Although they probably won’t . He is at the age of criminal responsibility and is legally responsible. The fact he’s autistic does not prevent the police from charging . Biting is legally considered an assault and it’s taken very seriously. Being autistic does change how things proceed though but he could possibly even end up with a caution.

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:42

IPM · 02/12/2025 23:32

She said she'd go if the boy gets a punishment because she'll feel more 'supported'.

So I'm not sure she's as terrified as you made out in your previous post, otherwise a punishment would make no difference.

And it in no way guarantees that her sister would stop an attack anyway just because she agreed to do what the OP wants.

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Nope. You have been harassing the OP all throughout this thread. You have had every possible query asked and answered repeatedly.

Time for you to stop now.

As you know she made many statements before being asked what discipline she thought would be appropriate and making that one suggestion which she later recanted. And many after.

You fully understand the situation, I will be reporting any further attempts to continue this nonsense as trolling, goading, harassing.

"She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed. I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come."

"I just really don’t feel comfortable around him at the moment. I was terrified. He’s nearly the same height as me and physically a lot stronger than I am. He could’ve really severely hurt me"

"My issue is my mum and sister genuinely see no issue with what he’s done. They say it’s because he’s autistic and because he was “overwhelmed” at me asking him to go to bed, which caused him to flip. What if I ask him to pass me something at the dinner table and he flips again?"

And after that she said:

"Personally for me it’s about the fact that if they let the behaviour go totally unchallenged it just seems that I’m not that valued. That they don’t think my personal safety and wellbeing matters to them"

"But at least if they challenge it, it signifies some degree of caring for my safety?"

"Maybe I am very silly, but maybe as a 5 foot 4 woman having a 5 foot 6 teenager who has been training regularly for the last seven years grab hold of me and not let go despite me begging him to has really shaken me up and I don’t particularly want to be around him or anyone who defends it at the moment"

"Because it’ll make me feel as though my sister does actually see what’s happened as serious and I’d believe she’d be willing to step in if something else happened, not just let it go because he’s “overstimulated”

"I just expected her to do something that made me feel as though my concerns have been listened to."

I could go on.

OP is perfectly within her rights and perfectly reasonable.

But you already know this.

IPM · 02/12/2025 23:48

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:42

Nope. You have been harassing the OP all throughout this thread. You have had every possible query asked and answered repeatedly.

Time for you to stop now.

As you know she made many statements before being asked what discipline she thought would be appropriate and making that one suggestion which she later recanted. And many after.

You fully understand the situation, I will be reporting any further attempts to continue this nonsense as trolling, goading, harassing.

"She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed. I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come."

"I just really don’t feel comfortable around him at the moment. I was terrified. He’s nearly the same height as me and physically a lot stronger than I am. He could’ve really severely hurt me"

"My issue is my mum and sister genuinely see no issue with what he’s done. They say it’s because he’s autistic and because he was “overwhelmed” at me asking him to go to bed, which caused him to flip. What if I ask him to pass me something at the dinner table and he flips again?"

And after that she said:

"Personally for me it’s about the fact that if they let the behaviour go totally unchallenged it just seems that I’m not that valued. That they don’t think my personal safety and wellbeing matters to them"

"But at least if they challenge it, it signifies some degree of caring for my safety?"

"Maybe I am very silly, but maybe as a 5 foot 4 woman having a 5 foot 6 teenager who has been training regularly for the last seven years grab hold of me and not let go despite me begging him to has really shaken me up and I don’t particularly want to be around him or anyone who defends it at the moment"

"Because it’ll make me feel as though my sister does actually see what’s happened as serious and I’d believe she’d be willing to step in if something else happened, not just let it go because he’s “overstimulated”

"I just expected her to do something that made me feel as though my concerns have been listened to."

I could go on.

OP is perfectly within her rights and perfectly reasonable.

But you already know this.

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Unless you've suddenly bought Mumsnet and Justine forgot to tell us all, you don't get to tell anyone to stop anything.

This is the OP's thread, she started it to get MNetters opinions, thoughts and advice.

No-one is harassing her.

You however, appear to be harassing anyone who doesn't agree with you and the OP like you've bought her as well.

Yet none of us have asked for your opinions, thoughts or advice on our replies.

So back in your box you go.

notallwhowanderare · 02/12/2025 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sweetnessandbite · 03/12/2025 00:13

The post mentioning the question of what were you wearing to a victim of a sexual assault should be removed. Awful trying to link any comparison! A sexual predator is a monster, an autistic child having a meltdown is not. Stunned that the post still stands.

Op, transitions are really hard for most ND kids. Especially around tech. I would never simply ask for them to turn the iPad off. There would be a pre-warning of 10 or so minutes, the a countdown closer to the time. They need much longer than you imagine to process.

I am sorry but the bite does not look like a 20 second hard held bite. The skin isn't broken and there is no bruising. I am sure that is was scary and painful however. His size is also understandably a factor.

Your sister lives with this everyday. She needs support. It is lovely you offered to babysit, but I think far more knowledge of autism and how to speak to ND children and your nephew should have been in place. I agree that you shouldn't babysit again.

I can't imagine the rejection and hurt your sister feels with your threat about Christmas. That shouldn't have been brought into it. I know you are hurt too. Give yourself both a couple of days and maybe try and explain your hurt, but remember this is her baby, your nephew, who is already facing a world full of challenges, misunderstanding and fears of rejection. Your sister is too. I don't think you should demand a punishment. Maybe ask that she can discuss it with him though.

I hope you both manage to navigate through this.

Original poster

IGrewUpInTheFallOut · 03/12/2025 06:20

IPM · 02/12/2025 23:11

Yeah but the OP said she'll go if her sister stops a bit of screen time as a punishment.

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I actually don’t know how many more times I need to explain myself to you for you to leave me alone

OP posts:

Original poster

IGrewUpInTheFallOut · 03/12/2025 06:22

Sweetnessandbite · 03/12/2025 00:13

The post mentioning the question of what were you wearing to a victim of a sexual assault should be removed. Awful trying to link any comparison! A sexual predator is a monster, an autistic child having a meltdown is not. Stunned that the post still stands.

Op, transitions are really hard for most ND kids. Especially around tech. I would never simply ask for them to turn the iPad off. There would be a pre-warning of 10 or so minutes, the a countdown closer to the time. They need much longer than you imagine to process.

I am sorry but the bite does not look like a 20 second hard held bite. The skin isn't broken and there is no bruising. I am sure that is was scary and painful however. His size is also understandably a factor.

Your sister lives with this everyday. She needs support. It is lovely you offered to babysit, but I think far more knowledge of autism and how to speak to ND children and your nephew should have been in place. I agree that you shouldn't babysit again.

I can't imagine the rejection and hurt your sister feels with your threat about Christmas. That shouldn't have been brought into it. I know you are hurt too. Give yourself both a couple of days and maybe try and explain your hurt, but remember this is her baby, your nephew, who is already facing a world full of challenges, misunderstanding and fears of rejection. Your sister is too. I don't think you should demand a punishment. Maybe ask that she can discuss it with him though.

I hope you both manage to navigate through this.

Edited

I’ve decided that I’m going to be spending Christmas with my partner. My family haven’t let up on saying that what has happened is no big deal, and that I should just move on. My nephew would be fully capable of apologising, but my sister has said it’s not necessary. She thinks he was fine to do what he did

OP posts:

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 03/12/2025 06:37

IGrewUpInTheFallOut · 03/12/2025 06:22

I’ve decided that I’m going to be spending Christmas with my partner. My family haven’t let up on saying that what has happened is no big deal, and that I should just move on. My nephew would be fully capable of apologising, but my sister has said it’s not necessary. She thinks he was fine to do what he did

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Then it’s fine for you to spend Christmas elsewhere.

Francestein · 03/12/2025 06:40

I have seen bites through jumpers and sweaters look exactly like this. I don’t blame you for not hanging out with your family after this incident. Wondering how long it will take until they ask you to babysit again.

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/12/2025 06:44

I’m sorry your wellbeing isn’t more important to your family op, enjoy Christmas with your partner.

bakebeans · 03/12/2025 06:52

BlondeBonBon · 30/11/2025 19:29

What level of understanding does he have? Does he have the capacity to apologise and mean it or would he just be going through the motions?

He clearly has understanding not to bite anyone else.

FailMeOnce · 03/12/2025 07:00

Sweetnessandbite · 03/12/2025 00:13

The post mentioning the question of what were you wearing to a victim of a sexual assault should be removed. Awful trying to link any comparison! A sexual predator is a monster, an autistic child having a meltdown is not. Stunned that the post still stands.

Op, transitions are really hard for most ND kids. Especially around tech. I would never simply ask for them to turn the iPad off. There would be a pre-warning of 10 or so minutes, the a countdown closer to the time. They need much longer than you imagine to process.

I am sorry but the bite does not look like a 20 second hard held bite. The skin isn't broken and there is no bruising. I am sure that is was scary and painful however. His size is also understandably a factor.

Your sister lives with this everyday. She needs support. It is lovely you offered to babysit, but I think far more knowledge of autism and how to speak to ND children and your nephew should have been in place. I agree that you shouldn't babysit again.

I can't imagine the rejection and hurt your sister feels with your threat about Christmas. That shouldn't have been brought into it. I know you are hurt too. Give yourself both a couple of days and maybe try and explain your hurt, but remember this is her baby, your nephew, who is already facing a world full of challenges, misunderstanding and fears of rejection. Your sister is too. I don't think you should demand a punishment. Maybe ask that she can discuss it with him though.

I hope you both manage to navigate through this.

Edited

The post(s) you refer to are drawing a completely legitimate comparison between (1) people who choose to focus on nitpicking the actions and choices of a raped woman in order to (a) blame her for what was done to her and/or (b) pick apart her subsequent actions for the purpose of discrediting her account and denying her basic empathy (bonus points for redirecting empathy to the perpetrator and his family); and
(2) people who are choosing to nitpick the actions and choices of the OP in order to (a) blame her for what happened to her and/or (b) pick apart her subsequent actions for the purpose of denying and discrediting her account and denying her basic empathy (same bonus points).

You either legitimately don't understand the analogy or object to people pointing it out, because you've done quite a lot of it in your own post.

The structure of your post, in order, is:

It's not his fault;
your actions are to blame;
you're exaggerating what happened;
your injury is not that bad;
think of your poor, struggling sister, not yourself;
your ignorance contributed to this happening to you;
your reaction is hurtful;
your reaction was wrong;
the perpetrator deserves sympathy;

10. your sister deserves sympathy; 11. you are wrong to seek redress or correction of the perpetrator; 12. bland well-wishes for everyone.

I expect this will fall on deaf ears if you are invested in not seeing the point being made, but maybe reflect on it if you can.

LAMPS1 · 03/12/2025 07:18

I’ve decided that I’m going to be spending Christmas with my partner. My family haven’t let up on saying that what has happened is no big deal, and that I should just move on. My nephew would be fully capable of apologising, but my sister has said it’s not necessary. She thinks he was fine to do what he did

Wise decision OP.
Your sister is misguided in being so lenient after his assault on you. It serves him poorly for his future.

AngelicKaty · 03/12/2025 07:25

IGrewUpInTheFallOut · 03/12/2025 06:22

I’ve decided that I’m going to be spending Christmas with my partner. My family haven’t let up on saying that what has happened is no big deal, and that I should just move on. My nephew would be fully capable of apologising, but my sister has said it’s not necessary. She thinks he was fine to do what he did

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You've made the right decision OP. I'm staggered that none of them think that the very least your DN should do is apologise to you. I find their entire attitude to what he did to you and how they're subsequently treating you absolutely inexplicable.
I hope you have the lovely, relaxing Christmas you deserve. 😊

Tourmalines · 03/12/2025 07:25

IGrewUpInTheFallOut · 03/12/2025 06:22

I’ve decided that I’m going to be spending Christmas with my partner. My family haven’t let up on saying that what has happened is no big deal, and that I should just move on. My nephew would be fully capable of apologising, but my sister has said it’s not necessary. She thinks he was fine to do what he did

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Wow , stay firm with your decision. Being stimulated or autistic does not make it acceptable. An apology is about repair not punishment . She’s sending signals to him that if was ok . She is the one that is escalating the conflict . I hope you enjoy your Christmas.