To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

Yes, I think this is something a lot of people have missed. He is, for all intents and purposes, leading a “normal” life. He has moments, but he’s not non-verbal, unable to cope with any changes of routine etc.

I sometimes wonder what would’ve happened if he’d not been diagnosed and if my sister didn’t have it to fall back on every time he does something wrong.

Ok, sorry, I misunderstood you post then.

Kindly, he got that diagnosis somehow.

That doesn’t excuse his behaviour, aggression needs to be managed and he needs to be told that’s not acceptable, but autism isn’t just a means of having an excuse.

"I didn't say anywhere that the Op didn't deserve sympathy".

You said you don't even think the OP should ask for an apology let alone anything else. Your post was an absolute masterclass in blaming the victim.

I believe you honestly don't see it that way, which actually is even more depressing. A woman is attacked and yet she should have sympathy for absolutely everyone else instead of putting her own wellbeing first.

No worries.

It’s quite clear that OP is very upset, and her sister isn’t having it. I think they need some space before someone says something they regret.

It sounds like a good choice to spend Christmas with your partner.

I wonder if you read and heard anything that pp said in her post?

The OP had made her mind up. No idea why you’re trying to change HER decision.

Autistic teens can often appear "normal" because they are using all their available energy to conform, and the meltdown is often the inevitable result of that extreme effort and internal overload. Masking is extremely draining.

Just because a teenager is verbal and seemingly lives a "normal" life doesn't make them any less Autistic.

The diagnosis doesn't mean you suddenly stop all parenting and allow free access, no rules, no boundaries etc, it isn't because they were diagnosed that was the problem it's the handling of the diagnosis. It's very hard though.

This whole post is so sad and really highlights the lack of understanding.

Have I done that, or have I asked OP to think about if the relationship is currently too damaged for an apology to help?

She’s entitled to want one, what I’m saying is that at this point; it won’t make them suddenly on good terms again. I asked her what would actually make that happen, if anything.

She has MADE HER DECISION.

I'd go at Christmas as there will be others there. In fact I'd say that you expect ab apology.

And when I was there I'd bring it up with him in a quiet moment. Something like I wasn't very happy that you did X, but your mum said Y, and seeing as it'd Christmas I'm prepared to put it aside but I'd like you not to do that again, is that a deal. I'd also like to know what I can do instead in those moments.

If he flips again then there's other people there to witness it.

I don't think avoidance is the answer. He's 14, you have to be allowed to make a mistake.

But never ever budge on your intolerance to abuse.

Edited to add - don't rush into your decision. You need some time as what happened was pretty nasty.

What decision? That she wants an apology, but also that actually won’t help?

I am asking her what she actually needs, to fix that relationship, or if it’s not fixable. Some of us think it would make sense if they were able to repair things, in the long run, in a way that keeps OP safe to be clear.

They’re a family, it would be a crying shame for it to fall apart because they can’t find some sort of common ground, at some point.

Also, don’t shout at me, because frankly it’s fucking rude. Thanks.

He absolutely got the diagnosis because he's autistic, I agree there.

However, I do think that sometimes a diagnosis is used as an excuse, especially by people/parents who are worn down, hopeless or just want to take the easy route. This is across the board, not just with autism.

For example, I have PCOS and used to be obese, so sometimes read threads focused on it. Too often I see people saying things along the lines of the PCOS making it impossible to lose weight. No it doesn't. It makes it difficult, more difficult than for someone without PCOS, but not impossible.

Saying it's impossible to lose weight with PCOS or impossible to not attack your aunt when you're autistic (which basically is what the sister has claimed) is misusing a diagnosis to give an excuse instead of doing the long, hard work necessary to improve things.

If a parent does this too often with their high-functioning autistic child then perhaps the positives of a diagnosis might start being outweighed by the negatives of using it as a ready-made excuse for all bad behaviour.

If that's directed at me, I read your post very carefully in order to label every part of it in the order you wrote it.

It's confronting when somebody points out that you are specifically behaving in a manner that you would abhor in the abstract, but there we are. It's happened to all of us. Trying to prevent people from pointing it out solves nothing.

Do whatever you want with the information, of course.

why are you shouting? You're not even addressing the same point.

You misread again. I said that she shouldn't ask for punishment, I then suggest a way to discuss and for her sister to speak to nephew. I also didn't state she shouldn't have any sympathy, I infact showed her sympathy, but the nephew does deserve it too.

Why are you intent on misdirection the intention in my post? You clearly want to push my post to suit your own narrative re victim blaming etc but that isn't what I stated.

Masterclass on missing the whole point and intention of a post and then digging in with your misunderstanding. As I said, carry on.

Well it does mean their autism isn’t as severe of that of a teen who cant communicate. he can self regulate. What happened here was he was engrossed in the iPad, possibly playing games. Most teens kick off when they’re told to come off with or without autism especially when their behaviour goes unchecked. He wasn’t in a particular different situation to that he usually in apart from it being his aunt & not his mom. He lost control. He goes kick boxing where he must have some level of control, he has to listen, he has to be respectful , he has to be corrected & he has to have self control. She took the device off him at 10pm (abit late in my book) he had plenty of down time to regulate. This is a punishable offence. He should be disciplined because he has the cognitive ability to understand what he did was wrong & there are consequences to that. Try & bite a random person for upsetting you & see what happens. Because i guarantee you he wouldn’t do that to some random person.

I agree, autism isn’t an excuse for poor behaviour - even if your child is more complex than you should be teaching them key lessons.

I’ve made myself quite known on other threads saying that even as the parent of a child with limited communication, we have very firm boundaries and do not accept aggressive behaviour in any form. You can expect better, and teach better - it just takes time.

I do think however that some people think we can just teach those lessons in the same way NT parents can, and we should just fix it or anything else is an excuse. It’s banded around, a lot. “Poor parenting” etc etc.

OP’s sister shouldn’t be excusing violent behaviour, but similarly, I don’t take advice on how to deal with that aggression from people who don’t have to live with it. I also don’t expose them to it. That’s a fairer deal IMO.

I didn't state that he shouldn't have this addressed with him. I clearly said to leave it a few days for the situation to calm and then they should talk again.

I haven't said it is ok for him to bite her anywhere.

The difference of it being his Aunt and not his Mum is massive.

In kickboxing there will be strict rules and he knows exactly where he is in the situation and what is expected of him. It makes sense that he thrives with this.

Being non verbal or verbal isn't a measure of the level of autism alone.

Perhaps she hasn’t realised how severe the incident was? The bite doesn’t look terrible - no skin breakage - but I can imagine it was very scary. She deals with him all the time, so perhaps doesn’t get it?
Talk to her about how you felt in the moment and how it has rocked your confidence to be around him.

Don’t swear at me. Thanks.

But why would you want an ongoing relationship with someone who bites you with no consequences, and a sister who thinks this is fine, and your feelings don’t matter?

Some people really seem to think that this behaviour should be excused as it’s just how it is. That’s fine, but you can’t then demand people still want to be around it.

Ok, I'll bite. Your post stated:

"Op, transitions are really hard for most ND kids. Especially around tech. I would never simply ask for them to turn the iPad off. There would be a pre-warning of 10 or so minutes, the a countdown closer to the time. They need much longer than you imagine to process." This implies that the OP provoked the attack, blaming the victim.

"I am sorry but the bite does not look like a 20 second hard held bite. The skin isn't broken and there is no bruising. I am sure that is was scary and painful however. His size is also understandably a factor." This implies that the OP was exaggerating the harm done, another victim-blaming move.

"Your sister lives with this everyday. She needs support. It is lovely you offered to babysit, but I think far more knowledge of autism and how to speak to ND children and your nephew should have been in place. I agree that you shouldn't babysit again." This outright says that OP should have sympathy for her sister, despite that sister having called her selfish and minimised the attack.

"I can't imagine the rejection and hurt your sister feels with your threat about Christmas. That shouldn't have been brought into it. I know you are hurt too. Give yourself both a couple of days and maybe try and explain your hurt, but remember this is her baby, your nephew, who is already facing a world full of challenges, misunderstanding and fears of rejection. Your sister is too." Here you label a reasonable move by the OP to enjoy Xmas and keep herself emotionally safe (e.g. spend it with her partner instead) as a threat and say it shouldn't even be an option. You also seem to be giving a false equivalence between OP's hurt (from being physically attacked) to the sister's hurt (from being asked to put in boundaries?). More minimising and victim-blaming.

"I don't think you should demand a punishment. Maybe ask that she can discuss it with him though". The OP has done exactly this and yet the sister has flatly refused.

"I hope you both manage to navigate through this." Implying that the OP should put just as much effort into fixing the situation as the sister, even though she is the victim.

So yes, I stand by my description of your post as being a masterclass in victim blaming.

👏👏