To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

It’s a tricky one dependent on loads of things but you need to do what’s right for you.

I guess I’m wondering what part you are unhappy with - that you think he should be ‘disciplined’ more? What do you want her to do and is it effective?

I think I wouldn’t be looking after them again but as long as there is no chance of him being physically aggressive to you would go along. Otherwise what does the future look like? That you will never be anywhere your nephew is?

As I said tho a lot depends on how severe your nephews autism is and how much control he, or your sister, have over his actions.

No, you're well within your rights to refuse to be subject to possible more abuse from him. One of my young DGC is autistic, and whilst we do follow protocols surrounding how to help him navigate this. I frankly as a DGM wouldn't tolerate this kind of shit, and he's six years old.

Does he go around biting his teachers, friends, kickboxing instructor, random folk in the street? If the answer is no. Then he knows fine well he thought he could get away with it with you. Sadly life doesn't work like that, and if your Dsis isn't able to recognise she's doing her son a grand disservice by allowing this with no consequences. Then she can suck it up especially when she's next looking for free childcare.

I'd go to Xmas but no more babysitting.

in general he is usually a lot better than this. He understands what is right and wrong and what he should and shouldn’t do. I just don’t feel comfortable being around him

What level of understanding does he have? Does he have the capacity to apologise and mean it or would he just be going through the motions?

I'd stop looking after him but not attending the family Christmas just comes across as sulky, emotional blackmail.

I think he would be able to apologise and mean it. He’s usually a lot, lot better than this. Since going into kickboxing he’s been nearly at a neurotypical level of functioning. This type of event hasn’t happened for a long while. I was really, really terrified.

Not to justify his behaviour but that looks like lip/suction rather than teeth??

A 14 year old biting down for 20 seconds would leave teeth marks surely?

Its completely upto you whether you deal with him again but I don't think he attacked you viciously based on that photo?

(I am a mum of 3 autistic children)

I just really don’t feel comfortable around him at the moment. I was terrified. He’s nearly the same height as me and physically a lot stronger than I am. He could’ve really severely hurt me

If he was in meltdown then he wasn’t in control of his behaviour so punishing him won’t impact his future behaviour.

With him being verbal and able to communicate I'm assuming he's high functioning autism ( so is my DD )

I'd be annoyed too. At that age they definitely know right from wrong. My DD is 11 and if she bit me I'd be really upset / cross about it.

It's a tricky one, if you don't go you risk severing relationships forever.... BUT somthing needs to be done in regards to his behaviour. Has he apologised?

This photo is from tonight (I put a jumper on last night and didn’t really have a chance to look properly until this evening), not straight after. He bit down and when you look closer you can see a few marks from his teeth

Agree with attending Christmas but not looking after him alone if your sister is unable to make the effort to create a safer environment .

Basically, a 14 year old attacked you. Yes, he has autism but that’s pretty serious. I wouldn’t feel safe alone with him going forward. (What happens if he attacks a stranger?)

Go to Christmas if there s other people there but no more babysitting.

Yeah but he didn't and you won't be alone with him at Christmas.

Plus, if your blackmail works and your sister disciplines him to keep the peace, what difference is that going to make?

Do you think it's a guarantee it will never happen again?

Yeah this is probably the best outcome. If your sister isn't going to get him to properly apologise and put measures in place so it doesn't happen again, she's lost a babysitter.

She's lucky your a family member because if he did that to a non relative baby sitter the police would of been called

My adult daughter who has severe autism bites when overwrought. Disciplining her would have no impact as she isn’t in control of herself in the moment.

That being said you have my extreme sympathy because it hurts a lot and your bite looks very sore indeed. Has he broken the skin anywhere (even just a small puncture) as if so you must get it seen to. I know several people (parents of SEN children and teachers) who have become very ill from human bites.

Be kind to yourself while you get over the shock and pain he’s caused you and then think about what you want to do longer term and over Christmas.

Agree.

That's fair enough, but is different circumstances, I can understand not wanting to babysit and be alone with him, but surely on Christmas day there will be more people around?

You wouldn’t be alone with him at Christmas though. No more babysitting is fair enough.

At the moment I don’t think it’s broken the skin but I’m keeping an eye on it because it does feel quite warm and sore

it’s not acceptable to be attacked but also that’s also a very minor injury in the scale of things

I think you need to stop babysitting. It’s not fair on either of you. I personally dont know how she can discipline him. What do you expect her to do?

I think its a bit extreme to not do Christmas as I am assuming there will be other adults there. I would just refuse to do anymore babysitting

My issue is my mum and sister genuinely see no issue with what he’s done. They say it’s because he’s autistic and because he was “overwhelmed” at me asking him to go to bed, which caused him to flip. What if I ask him to pass me something at the dinner table and he flips again?