To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

thats the right decision

Regardless of any lack of consequences, there’s been no apology and no conversation with DS that biting anyone is not ok and what they need to do to regulate these feelings in future.

Agree..
Go to Christmas but keep a distance from him.

It just feels as though there’s been no consideration for how this has made me feel. I don’t expect her to put me before him, and I now recognise that my wish for her to punish him was incorrect, but while I’ve apologised for saying that to her she’s maintained that there’s nothing to apologise for. I feel like she’s one message away from blaming me and saying it’s because I dared to do what she had told me.

I'm not surprised that you don't understand the analogy that post draws and why it still stands - it's to highlight victim-blaming - which is precisely what your tone-deaf post does i.e. blaming OP for being assaulted by her DN.

Christmas is a really emotive subject in our family, it carries a lot of weight. I think if any of us outright refused to attend because of the others children, it could be a relationship ruiner.

As I said before, we’re self excluding this year. But had my sister refused to come and named my son as the reason, the protective side of me would be equal parts furious and devastated.

I also have to say, if the incident happened at the weekend, I’d be looking for a resolution and moving on by now. Life moves fast in SENd parenting.

A few years ago our son threw something and broke grandparents TV, and the same evening threw his iPad out the window. I don’t have time to dwell on everything he does, because there’s something else going on while I’m doing so.

4/5 days in I’d be asking what you needed to make this go away, and either doing it or candidly saying I can’t.

she has openly said she will not do what I need to make it go away. All I want is an apology from her, and my nephew, at this point. She’s said she doesn’t think there’s any reason for him to apologise as in her eyes he’s done nothing wrong.

If that’s how little she values me and my safety, despite years of physical, emotional and financial support, fine. But I’m not going to put myself in a position where I’m not valued.

Exactly this!

Right decision.

Have a lovely time!

She’s shifting responsibility on you because it’s easier than admitting the bite was wrong . You are not responsible for what happened.

I agree with you that it isn’t about sexism, or not necessarily so. (I wouldn’t want to rule it out as obviously we can’t know that.) As I’ve said before, it’s the same with ND girls; my DD1 is like that. When she used to be violent, it was always towards me (or occasionally DD2), never my DH.

You are making a completely reasonable decision, OP. Wishing you a wonderful, relaxing Xmas!

Read the thread.

Honestly - if you already feel like you’re not valued, I don’t think an apology would be enough. It might smooth over the cracks, but based on how hurt you are, I don’t think it would fix it.

It would go some way to helping and in any event I don’t think I’m wrong to feel that way?

I didn’t say you were. Just it sounds like it’s grown bigger than it was at the weekend now.

If the apology doesn’t arrive, what does that mean for your relationship with your sister/nephew?

I think you've made the right choice.

It's up to you to protect yourself where your DN is concerned, I will also add in all this I suspect your Dsis and DM will be more angry that they have lost someone to babysit your DN than you not attending attending Christmas dinner.

I hope you enjoy Christmas with your DP and if you also choose to go non contact with your Dsis and DM it really will be their loss.

I don’t know. At the moment I’d be happy not to see her for a long time, and to be honest? Him as well.

I think that’s really sad. Not wrong, or any other kind of loaded statement. Just really deeply sad, for all parties.

It’s entirely her doing. She has allowed him to get away with assaulting me. She has told me she sees nothing wrong in his behaviour.

Are you trying to imply that there is therefore no point in an apology? So if you hurt someone you should only apologise if you think it will fix everything. If there will still be hurt feelings then there's no point saying sorry?

What a strange approach to apologies.

I’m not surprised you feel that way. An apology is the least you should expect. I’m not surprised you feel undervalued, especially with her trying to guilt trip you when you said you wouldn’t ‘babysit’ your nephew again.

I’m sorry you’ve been treated that way by your family, OP.

If he is leading a typically normal life & has understanding of what’s right or wrong then I agree with you. He may find it harder to control his emotions but he must try. Sometimes a diagnosis isn’t always best handled.

My nephew is Asperger’s. When getting tested (I saw him daily) he had a few traits & my SIL would try & teach him he couldn’t behave in certain ways & he maybe being over sensitive to certain things. Fast forward the day he got his diagnosis. Everyone had to
change how we treated him. We had to walk round eggshells, she stopped regulating his time on the pc because it gave him the sanctuary he needed. Well, what an absolute mistake that was. He’s now a 25 yo loner who doesn’t work, doesn’t socialise, doesn’t exercise & doesn’t come out his room all day having meals delivered to him. He is so disconnected from life that when we do see him there’s nothing to talk about. He has no relatable topics. I end up listening about the latest game he’s playing etc. it’s so sad as I do think he would of stumbled through & have had a normal life if he had the opportunity to meet some understanding people. (They do exist, we all know someone who’s married to someone who suspect is on the spectrum).

with your nephew it imperative she nips this in the bud because he sounds like he could have a typically normal life (albeit he will find it harder) but no one is going to tolerate being abused to facilitate one

I understand the analogy completely, I just believe it was distasteful to use it in this situation. I didn't need you to explain, but thanks.

The perpetrator in this case is an autistic child, who yes, does deserve consideration and sympathy.

I didn't say anywhere that the Op didn't deserve sympathy. I acknowledged that it must have been scary and needs to be discussed further.

I said that I didn't think she should seek a punishment but I didn't say she should suck it up, as you are implying. My post clearly states to give it a few days for both parties to calm and think and then discuss it again, explaining her hurt, with an aim for her sister to discuss with her nephew.

You have read a lot into my post that wasn't said.

It's like you so wanted to defend the analogy you didn't fully listen to my post.

My post was intended to help resolve things between the family moving forward but you carry on.

No?

I have said previously I personally don’t see the value in receiving an apology the person doesn’t mean. It wouldn’t be helpful for me. I’d be looking for a meaningful apology, or don’t bother.

But in terms of OP, what I was actually getting at is that, at this point, an apology actually wouldn’t help as it’s gone too far.

What, if anything, would actually repair their relationship. I do have a feeling the answer is nothing as it’s actually now too big for OP to come back from in any real way.

It's escalated since the original incident. Op, I really think it would help if you both leave it for a week or so, both calm and have time to reflect. Then both discuss from a softer position.