To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

OP was/is your sister the golden child generally in the eyes of your parents, is that the start point of the family dynamic?

I think you are kind of asking the wrong question - discipline may or may not alter his behaviour but the problem is that he has reached a point where he is stronger than you are and cannot regulate his behaviour towards you.

The questions are, under what circumstances are you safe with him? So - not alone, so no babysitting. Christmas might be fine, but question 2 is why should your family use emotional blackmail to make you deny your feelings? I think if you want a quiet low stress option, they should not be undermining that.

Agree start standing up.to family. They are often the people who treat you the worst too.
Sod xmas as well.

This. It doesn’t look like a bite . 🤷‍♀️

But, no one has to babysit.

Do you get bitten often? It looks exactly like a bite.

I’m going to assume you’ve never had a hickey in your life because it’s very clearly not a suction mark

Why would I have an opinion on that? That's entirely between the sisters. Not some internet rando.

Sorry for the hard time you are getting on here OP. I just wanted to say there are a lot of posters who do understand where you are coming from! I think there is quite a lot of projection and personal sensitivities coming in. You don't need to apologize to anyone and this isn't your fault. I would make it clear babysitting is off the table - maybe point out that this is for the same reason as your mum. There are other respite possibilities around that your sister should look into rather than guilt trip you. And if you don't feel comfortable about Xmas in the circumstances you are completely within your rights to not go.

🤣

Love the sass, OP

I do not understand why people are sleuthing about the image.

She was bitten through a thick jumper? I think? So that does look exactly like a bad bite thru a jumper.

Also people's bodies react differently. I have strong bones but I bruise very easily. I often have people saying "jeez, what did you DO?" And I haven't even realised there is a mark.

I can't imagine looking at another woman's injuries and scoffing that she isn't "injured enough". That is just a really warped starting point IMO.

OP hope you are okay x The misogyny on this thread is sickening, like something I'd expect on Reddit or Twitter

@nomas
no one can guarantee anyone’s safety.

but taking away screen time or attending kickboxing as the OP suggested feels would be appropriate punishments isn’t going to do that either.

the only way to guarantee safety is to stay away from her nephew permanently if that’s the case. However it sounds as though her sister, and mum won’t side with OP on this, so doing so means staying away from all family events.

OP said herself her nephew is normally much better than this and it was a 1 off. It doesn’t sound like it will be repeated and I think avoiding babysitting in the future and situations where she may have to enforce boundaries is likely to yield a better outcome for her safety than banning him from screens for a day.

he should be asked to apologise to his aunt, it be explained why this is not acceptable and will not be repeated, and they can work on some better regulation strategies for him.

OP seemed happy initially to be alone with him and babysitting which would suggest this wasn’t something that was predictable otherwise she would t have put herself in that situation. In future if she is there with parents they can enforce the boundaries and discipline and OP doesn’t have to. It is unlikely to repeat itself.

I don’t think OP is being unreasonable not wanting to be bitten, or be in that situation again. However realistically the punishment suggestions given aren’t going to change anything other than isolate OP from the family.

Whereas you are happy blaming a CHILD with a disability? A child with a disability is not the same as a controlling fist violent grown man, if you CAN’T see that, you need to take a step back and think a bit more. Tell me you aren’t a parent of a child with disabilities without telling me etc…. @Thatsalineallright you should spend some time on the SEND boards, walk a mile in the shoes. I am not victim blaming, but tbh, the hyperbole from the OP does need some reality checking, some gently critical challenge to see other perspectives and not justmindless reinforcing. Asking her sister to ‘have her back’ at the cost of her disabled son? C’mon!!!

Where do you get that from? Certainly not what I said.

Are bedtimes often a contentious issue with him OP? Or does he have a certain bed time plan? If so your sis really was very negligent in just leaving you to it. It was also unfair on her ds if she knows things need to be handled in a certain way and didn't brief you beforehand. It sounds like he might be quite demand avoidant and if that's the case she really should have told you to let him go to sleep whenever he likes - especially knowing he can get very angry.

While this might all have been avoided if your sister had explained things clearly the worst has happened. It sounds as though he can understand his behaviour and so even if he wasn't in control at the time, you were still hurt and now that he is calm he should be encouraged to make amends in one way or another.

Saying sorry might not work for him, but I would be getting him to write a card apologising for hurting you. TBH I have an autistic 19 year old and I'd be furious/mortified if he did this, I'd also be having the conversation about whether he'd do this to a man, because I think that is an important point to make. Maybe he would but I still think it's worth raising. I don't think punishing him is going to help though and it's not a route I'd probably go down at this age.

I think your sister is letting both of you down here OP.

It isn’t just a quick „bite“. It is @IGrewUpInTheFallOut being overpowered and held against her will, with a sustained bite part of that.

Can‘t believe there is a pile-on. I would not be alone with him again. Would probably do Christmas minimally. Would not have DC alone with him and minimal contact.

Edit to add: What happens in four years time if a friend causes him to melt down in this way. He badly needs help, though it sounds like his mother has done a lot.

His poor sister if she is at risk.

I wouldn’t babysit again and I totally get it. Your sister attitude towards it is why you don’t want to go to Christmas. You don’t feel that she will react suitably if he attacks again.

Because she is very oh well he was disregulated. Not omg sis I’m so sorry, I can’t believe his done it’s been so long since anything like that happened. I’m so so sorry I’ll speak to him about self calming and such again.

If she had been the oh shit sorry sister though scared and hurt you’d feel like she took it seriously where as right now she comes across and oh well shit happens he can’t help it so I can’t do anything about it.

Also the fact he was restrained in his bite is scary because a proper bite would have broken the skin for that long and his age. So that was a look what I could do bite. So he wasn’t completely disregulated either.

But the nephew hasn't got the sort of disability that means he's globally delayed and isn't really aware of what's going on. There's a huge huge difference.

My daughter is high functioning autistic like the OP's nephew. My friends DS is autistic and he is globally delayed, couldn't tell you what day it is and is non verbal, he also uses a mobility chair as he cannot walk around safely. They are both autistic and both at completely different ends of the scale.

If my friends globally delayed child hurt me or my children I would expect an apology off my friend and that's it. It would be a waste of everyone's time trying to get her DS to understand what he did was wrong. He doesn't understand. My DD would rightfully be expected to apolgose herself if she hurt someone and she would have consequences for that just like any other child because shes aware of what shes doing and knows right from wrong. They have to learn consequences

The OP's nephew is fully aware of his surroundings, is verbal, can go to mainstream school ext. His disability doesn't affect him in such a way that he can't apologise and have some repercussions for his actions. His mum is using his disability as a way to not parent him and that's what the problem is

A 14 year old boy should not be biting anyone no matter how frustrated or angry he gets. He is in mainstream school so has understanding of what is acceptable behaviour. If he bit another pupil I'm quite sure he would be excluded for it.

There is a difference between telling somebody a behaviour is unacceptable and determining what needs to be done about it.

You appear to be conflating the two.

The OP has done the former and the mother can decide what to do about the later.

I’ve already said though that I was wrong to say how she should punish him.

It's gone well past that though, the OP said upthread in not so many words that she's hurt that they don't care about how she feels in all of this rather than the actual repercussion of his actions. All she actually wanted was an apology and an acknoweldgment that it wasn't okay

I just wanted to drop in again to say, OP, I'm not surprised you're upset by the thread - I am, a bit, as some randomer reading it from probably hundreds of miles away!

I don't think you've anything to apologise for at all - up to and including suggesting a few hypothetical "punishments" to explain what you mean on an anonymous message board (I mean, what kind of awful person are you? 😉)

Please don't feel bad about yourself. I honestly reckon this thread says more about our society than it does about you or your family!

We're at the uncomfortably high-end of a pendulum-swing reaction to a limited understanding of neurodiversity - and associated prejudices - in the 80s and before. That's where this focus on legitimising the kid's immediate feelings comes from (cos that's what's been disregarded until far too recently). But some PPs are taking it to the point of being pretty unkind to a woman who's just legitimately shaken after being overpowered - while, ironically, showing little attention to the boy's long-term prospects as a functioning member of society.

I think that what this actually shows is that we've a heck of a long way to go in understanding how to handle neurodiversity in society (and attitudes to women). All this rather volatile defensiveness and smug moralising belies an ongoing unease. How do we show empathy to and discipline these kids? How do we embrace "inclusion" (which is Good and Noble and Shalt Not Be Challenged) while still acknowledging others' needs? I think it's pretty clear that we're not at all sure yet! I don't know, either.

I think it can be a lot easier to wax lyrical about the difficulty of parenting a neurodiverse child and blame the childless woman (women's rights being so not on a pendulum upswing right now) than to face up to this. I reckon it's a defence mechanism of sorts, in the face of a lot of uncertainty right now.

"At the cost of her disabled son?" Aren't you the one being hyperbolic? Expecting a 14 year old boy to apologise for biting his aunt is not unreasonable.

In any case, I honestly don't understand your post. What you quoted was me focusing mainly on OP's mum and sister. They've dismissed her feelings, called her selfish, and are trying to guilt her into continuing to babysit.

If I say that the OP is perfectly reasonable to decide to spend Christmas elsewhere as a result, how is that "blaming a child with a disability"?

He's 14. That's a child by any definition. Mentally and emotionally he's even younger.

He's 14!!!! Wtf do you mean he's an adult?!