To tell my sister I don’t want to see her anymore if she doesn’t discipline my nephew for biting me?

[IGrewUpInTheFallOut]

My sister is a single mum to two children - my nephew, who is 14, and my niece, who is 13. My nephew has autism and her husband left when he realised how tough things would be.

I’ve just got back from a weekend of babysitting for her which has been a bit of a nightmare. My nephew used to be quite violent and angry, but my sister put him into kickboxing when he was 7 and he’s flourished, and it has really helped him regulate himself.

When I arrived yesterday, she warned me that he was quite overstimulated and that I just needed to follow the basic routine (get him to bed at a reasonable hour). I left him to his own devices until I went into his room at about 10:30 and asked him to put his iPad down and go to sleep.

He immediately grabbed hold of me and bit my arm, it must have been about twenty seconds before he let go. He was screaming at me to leave his room by that point, so I did, and went downstairs. I told my sister when she got home today, and she said she would have a word with him.

I’ve just got home and seen how bad it is (I’ve attached a picture). I sent it to her and asked how she had dealt with it and she said she asked him, but he said he felt overwhelmed and didn’t want to go to sleep, so he lashed out. She says that in her mind, that’s the end of it and she won’t be pushing it further as he can’t help feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve said in that instance I don’t feel comfortable being around him again and I won’t attend family Christmas. Now she and my mum are telling me that I’m selfish and I will ruin the Christmas period for everyone if I don’t come.

AIBU to draw this line in the sand?

So are you suggesting that OP and her sister just let it go? Maybe they should wait until he does something to someone outside the family? Possibly when he's 16/18 and they report it to the police? Sounds like a grand idea 👍

Personally OP if your sister isn't prepared to try and tackle it then I'd suggest she tells the kickboxing instructor. I'm pretty sure they'd be willing to have a word, and it sounds more likely he'll listen to them as someone he respects.

A restriction on screen time or kickboxing at a minimum, she took him to his favourite place today and I feel like it’s just reinforcing that his behaviour is acceptable

What would have been an acceptable response or punishment to you?

I agree with PP that a punishment is intended to change future behaviour so if he truly wasn't in control there is little point and it may make his behaviour worse. Speaking to him and illiciting an apology sounds appropriate.

I absolutely agree you refuse to care for him or be alone with him and if you're scared then fine not to go to Christmas although what do you think could happen with everyone else there?

I think it's one thing to say you're not comfortable babysitting, and another to refuse to see him entirely.

If you're afraid of him, then don't go. Don't be guilt tripped.

You want her to restrict the thing that helps him regulate his behaviour?

I feel sorry for her now, you don't understand at all.

I know in the grand scheme of things it’s really not a big deal. But it’s very painful (even showering and letting water run over it hurt), and each time it hurts I’m reminded of how utterly terrified I was when he had hold of me and was doing the most he could to hurt me. It’s not as though it was a quick thing. He had a hold of me for at least twenty seconds, I was shouting at him to let me go and he wouldn’t. I was so, so scared, because it would be so easy for him to completely overpower me. I feel so shaken up and upset by it

I can understand your feelings here but please think about your sister too. She lives this daily. His Dad bailed out and left her to deal with it, I can imagine she probably feels incredibly isolated and scared at times. Can you tell I was a single parent to an autistic son …

I'm not making a suggestion?

I'm saying that if the sister gives into the OP and disciplines him, how is she going to be any less scared of him on Christmas day?

It makes no sense and just makes the OP come across as though she's refusing to go because she can't get her own way.

No I really don’t understand and I don’t understand how she can say I’m selfish and ruining Christmas for not wanting to be around someone who attacked me. I’m confident that if I reported it to the police he’d be deemed as having capacity to take part in criminal proceedings

That doesn’t look that bad?? DS (reception age) was bitten by a nursery child at playtime recently and it looked a hell of a lot worse than that. But totally fair enough if you don’t want to/feel able to babysit him anymore. Especially as he’s 14 if he were to physically lash out again it could potentially be a lot worse and you shouldn’t be put in a situation where you’re on your own and don’t feel safe. But it’s not your business to tell your sister how to discipline her child, he might need a non standard approach depending on how his autism presents, and to not go to family Christmas would be a massive overreaction.

Yes you were afraid. You're safe now. Give yourself some space to calm down.

You don't need to create family conflict today.

I think you need to calm down. Don't escalate this.

You keep saying how utterly terrified of him you are.

So his mum restricts his screen time or kickboxing and you're magically going to be able to spend Christmas with him, without feeling scared?

But I don’t see why I should calm down. It’s been twenty four hours (ish) and I still feel the same way. He’s attacked me and I’m being labelled as the one in the wrong for not feeling comfortable being around him unless his behaviour is challenged

If he has a learning disability with his autism then it's not something that can be done anything about I am afraid.

If he has autism without a learning disability, then he cannot just go around biting people because he is overwhelmed! His mother should talk to him when he is calm about redirecting his aggression and overwhelm. I'm actually concerned she isn't doing something about this. How is he going to cope in the big wide world? Does he bite his teachers?

And I say this as an ND person.

YANBU but I would go Christmas and ignore the nephew. No present, no hug, nothing.

Never babysit again.

And also your point about xmas but only of your sister bollocks him about it makes no sense. Either you don’t feel safe around him, at which point you shouldn’t go either way, or you do feel perfectly safe and you’re just being petty… I don’t get how or why he method of discipline changes things. Or am I missing something?

I'm sorry but what are you even talking about? It's not about her sister 'giving in', it's about her sister not completely ignoring physical assault (and yes it is assault) by her 14yr old on her sister.

Discipline comes in many forms. I'm not suggesting OP pops round and her sister lets him bite her son back! But he's nigh on an adult and he can't go around biting people.

I seriously doubt OP is refusing to attend because she can't 'get her own way'. It's because she's stated she is genuinely afraid she'll get assaulted again by a teenager whose Mum clearly doesn't give a fuck.

Does screen time really regulate behaviour? It appears to regulate it in the moment, but when children need to come off, screens appears to escalate behaviour, this appears the same for lots of children, lots of ability and a wide age range.

What you really want is for her to do something that means he won't do it again.

It sounds like she thinks that is impossible, that he wasn't in control of his behaviour.

It isn't acceptable and you do not ever need to see him again if you're scared of him. But you may need to accept that she can't do anything and so you're punishing them both for something they cannot control.

You don't see why you should calm down??

Because it will make you feel better. You're spiralling and it's helping no one, least of all you!

I agree.

OP I think youre mad because you feel like
she doesnt care. That’s your issue. You trying to punish a disabled child isnt actually going to help him or stop him hurting you in the future.

Bites hurt a lot. I think slaps and kicks hurt less than bites. This bite might also bruise a lot in coming days.

If nephew is genuinely mainstream ability I would definitely, definitely expect an apology. It would be a completely different thing if he was non-verbal with a severe learning disability. If he does this at school (or in larger society outside of school) he would face consequences for it.

Personally for me it’s about the fact that if they let the behaviour go totally unchallenged it just seems that I’m not that valued. That they don’t think my personal safety and wellbeing matters to them