Funeral car driver with blue and green hair

[Notyouthful]

Earlier this week my parents’ NDN had her funeral. Hearse and a funeral car. My DM noticed that the driver of the funeral car- dressed professionally, but he had dyed blue and green hair in a ponytail about 6 inches long This could been seen from under his top hat.

My DM thought his hair wasn’t suitable for funeral work. She would demand an apology if that happened in any of the funerals she arranged herself

Why the difference between hair and clothes? They are both social convention. It’s their hair. It’s their clothes.

Because hair is more permanent and part of you.

Same reason we have a uniform for certain jobs - the FD uniform is respectful CLOTHES. Hair colour is part of you, clothes for work are not. Where next, no dreds?

I think that’s an interesting answer, but I still disagree because brightly coloured hair is inherently a choice to stand out, to express personality, in one of the few unusual jobs where not doing that is core to the job description.

Dreads I wouldn’t read in the same way. The test to me is ‘is this about drawing attention and expressing personality?’

Wearing a bow tie to a funeral, OK. Wearing a spinny-round novelty bow tie, not OK.

Clothes are something you put on daily. Someone can wear whatever they want in their own time. Hair is something that, while obviously not completely permanent, is not something you just can just change for work on a daily basis.

Their employer obviously doesn't have an issue with their hair colour and I imagine the vast majority of people wouldn't care (or even notice). My 90 year old grandmother was a very traditional and conservative woman, but i can't imagine she would care as long as rhe person was doing their job and was a kind, caring person.

I reallt can't imagine being hung up at a funeral on someone's choice of hair colour, especially if it was mostly covered by a hat. I'm more disappointed that in 2025 it is still even a discussion point.

Your DM needs to chill out.
I'm sure there was more important things to be upset about on the day.

I’m actually a fan of brightly coloured hair generally, doesn’t bother me with Nurses/teachers etc. but this somehow feels really off to me! Although I can’t put my finger on why, so maybe I am unreasonable. I wouldn’t like it though.

Anything can draw attention and express personality though.

Jewellery, if someone has a big shiny engagement ring for example. What about if a woman is pregnant, that's pretty attention grabbing. What about medical devices?

Would it be an issue if someone wore green socks that you happened to catch a glimpse of?

Red hair is pretty attention grabbing as well, should redheads not be allowed to be part of a funeral just in case someone happens to see their hair, maybe icy blondes as well, that's pretty bright too.

Give the undertaker firm a candid review online.

Many bereaved people will not like this rainbow-headed goon one little bit.

We are no longer in the Victorian era of funeral dress. Modern funerals are generally more of a 'celebration of life' and all that goes with a life lived well, I have had (very sadly) to attend many biker funerals over the years, it includes the roaring of Harley engines, black leather, long hair, tattoos, vast amounts of alcohol and by the end a proper party, something our friends would most certainly have enjoyed. I have seen funerals with brightly coloured coffins, or all the mourners asked to dress in pink, or carry daffodils etc, A bit of hair dye on the driver would not even register.

These are all interesting examples, though they are making me more sure that my test ('is this about intentionally standing out') is the right one. I think there's a slightly different threshold between a professional funeral worker and a mourner, but it's the same basic principle at play.

Jewellery: wearing normal jewellery, fine. Wearing very ostentatious jewellery, such that it would be a general distraction not OK. (Similarly, I wouldn't wear any political or cause colours to a funeral, unless they were clearly welcome such as the football colours of a die-hard football fan).

Wearing an engagement ring, fine. Announcing your engagement at the funeral, not OK.

Being pregnant, fine. Announcing your pregnancy at the funeral, not OK.

Having natural red hair or natural ice blonde, fine. Dying your hair an unnatural bright colour, not OK. Dying your hair a 'natural' colour: normally absolutely fine (not distracting or attention seeking). But if you have always had a certain colour hair and decide the funeral is the right day to dye your hair some strikingly different colour because you want to stand out in the crowd, not OK.

Yes this is a fair point thank you. I guess I just can’t get my head around anyone caring or noticing that at a funeral. The funerals I’ve been to, the priest himself could have worn a tutu and belted out a piano version of Agadoo and I wouldnt have noticed as I was so locked in on the mourning and holding it together. The thought of having the time and headspace to think about another persons hair colour seems insane to me. But yes, I see your point for people who that is important to.

Dying your hair a 'natural' colour: normally absolutely fine (not distracting or attention seeking). But if you have always had a certain colour hair and decide the funeral is the right day to dye your hair some strikingly different colour because you want to stand out in the crowd, not OK.

i have been dying my hair pink and red for around 12 years now - this is my normal look, not fancy dress. I'm not 'dying it on the day' I'm doing it because I like it and think its pretty. I'm not doing it for anyone else, so I dont really care if you like it.

If a funeral worker was pregnant she would stand out though, regardless if she announced it or not.

If a funeral worker had bright ginger hair they would stand out. You wouldn't know if it was dyed or not so wouldn't know whether to be offended or not.

Who is defining what 'normal' jewellery is? Surely all jewellery is an expression of personality which is forbidden apparently.

I believe in some kind of connection between blue hair and emotional
problems. Purely from my own lived experience.

Yes, so the test is whether this has been done for that purpose. Being pregnant is clearly not in that category.

Surely all jewellery is an expression of personality which is forbidden apparently.

You've not really read the post you are replying to.

But yes, there is a question of 'who defines'. That's cultural. It's hard to write down every instance, but that doesn't mean it's entirely arbitrary. In a society where wearing bright dyed hair is how one conventionally expresses respect and empathy, that would be the right thing to do. In societies where you express respect by putting the deceased on a mountain to be eaten by birds, that is the right thing to do. That doesn't mean that a UK funeral director who decided to leave open a coffin so the birds can have a nibble hasn't done something wrong.

It looks out of place for his job (might raise an eyebrow) but it's not "disrespectful" or something to apologise for. He is dressed for the occasion with a tophat to match! What more do you want? YABU

Dying hair blue isn't in that category either then since it's clearly not been done just for this, or any other, funeral.

I think you've got the right test, for a mourner: is this you, or is this done specially for effect.

I also think "I don't really care if you like it" is fair enough from a mourner when 'it' is simply coming to the funeral with the hair you always have.

I don't think "I don't really care if you like it" is ever OK from a funeral professional. Everyone has different ideas of what they personally like, and we have a social technology to deal with that problem, which is convention.

To be honest, it's a job that would attract eccentric and unconventional young people.
I do think natural hair colour and no piercings look more professional but the times have changed and younger people care less about formalities and conformity. Certainly wouldn't demand an apology.

apart from the skin she might think....

I think when your job is funerals it's different. I think it's one of the few jobs where not standing out, not being a distraction, is core to the job.

Ultimately, this all comes down to judgment of social norms. There will pass a point where it's no longer important, if we lose that convention entirely.

For example, I don't think it's wrong to fail to wear a mourning band, whereas it might have been wrong a hundred years ago.

However, the fact that this has distracted and upset a mourner shows to me that we aren't at that point yet. The fact that this thread is not (quite) unanimous also.

The thing I don't agree with is the: "professional's self-expression is more important than the mourner's feelings". I think there are balances to be struck always in every situation. I think being a funeral professional at a funeral is one of the most extreme cases of where deference to tradition in the service of avoiding any possible distress or upset is the right thing.

I really wouldn't care and would have bigger things to deal with, like the lost of a loved one who had died.

You can't police someone's personal life like that, not like he turned up with music blaring, massive mohican and headbanged the way to the service. He was dressed appropriately and did his job with due care and attention.

On the other hand they could have had a company like that in Hull who dressed appropriately and carried out the services but didn't have the correct bodies in coffins or give the correct remains back and years later people are having to deal with the fact they had buried/cremated someone else (or could have done and will never know for definite). I know which I'd prefer!

There are a lot of work places where you cannot show up with blue and green hair.

I am not sure it's great for a funeral driver. That some of us don't care at all is irrelevant, it will obviously affect a lot of families - ie clients, who will find it highly disrespectful.

It's ok for businesses to have rules, and to take their clients into consideration. If you feel a place of business is too "traditional" for you, go elsewhere. If you feel they are too "excentric", then go elsewhere too.

Businesses need to be allowed to present themselves in any way they want.

Here the client can complain, there's not much else they can do. If the guy is employed, nothing will happen anyway. People would just not think about checking the appearance of the funeral employees when they book a funeral.

I'm all for a professional appearance and being appropriately dressed and multi-coloured hair is a bit unusual for a funeral director, but as it was neatly in a pony-tail I'd be OK with that.

FWIW, before retiring I worked for a number of years in end of life care at home and so met a quite a few funeral guys - they were without exception efficient, kind and polite.

However, the fact that this has distracted and upset a mourner shows to me that we aren't at that point yet

It was the NDN, OP's mother, who was upset!

Presumably the direct family had met the funeral staff at some time prior to the event, and likely to have seen the coloured hair then.