Funeral car driver with blue and green hair

[Notyouthful]

Earlier this week my parents’ NDN had her funeral. Hearse and a funeral car. My DM noticed that the driver of the funeral car- dressed professionally, but he had dyed blue and green hair in a ponytail about 6 inches long This could been seen from under his top hat.

My DM thought his hair wasn’t suitable for funeral work. She would demand an apology if that happened in any of the funerals she arranged herself

I don’t know if some still do, but funeral directors sometimes at least used to have rules about appearance. As long as they act professionally, I wouldn’t be bothered though, although I don’t like hair colours like blue and green, it’s not really important. I don’t think many people in this profession will have blue or green hair anyway.

People can have whatever hair colour they like, but if he turned up in ripped jeans he clearly wouldn’t be ‘kind and empathetic’ would he? Because it would be obvious to most people that perhaps that wasn’t respectful and grieving relatives might be offended’, particularly those of the older generation. It isn’t ‘kind’ to have such little regard for others feelings. You are being ridiculous.

How can someone’s hair be disrespectful? I honestly don’t understand this.

I’m glad that in general people are less judgemental of tattoos, piercings and dyed hair these days, it never did make sense to me.

I have worked in private and state schools and I’ve worked with teachers with a whole rainbow of hair colours. I think one school had a policy but it wasn’t enforced.

I’ve also never been questioned for wearing blue jeans! Do you teach outside of the UK or am I just getting lucky?

I think this is exactly the issue.

People can have whatever hair colour they like, but if he turned up in ripped jeans he clearly wouldn’t be ‘kind and empathetic’ would he?

Why not? Why is unconventional clothes unkind and lacking empathy, but unconventional hair colour not?

They are both social convention. You just want the social rule drawn where it makes the difference to you personally, but I don’t think that’s a workable rule becuase different people will find different things unkind/unempathetic.

I think being a hearse driver is one of a few unusual jobs where the right rule is to be extra-conservative, where anything even plausibly likely to strike the wrong tone with any mourners is out. That include anything unconventional designed to draw attention to the professional, including brightly dyed hair.

This is exactly what I was trying to say.

Several people are taking the line 'thank goodness we've moved on from that sort of thing now' but to my mind that makes it even more important. Funeral directors need to be as conservative as the most conservative of the mourners and as they're likely to be older, that means sticking with older standards.

Someone has died - surely there’s bigger things to be concerned about than someone’s hair!! What if they have bright ginger hair, or albino pure white hair? Would that be ok also? My god.

A funeral costs a fortune, and employees wear conservative, stylised attire. Lurid hair, visible tats and piercings should be covered. Funeral workers are not there to express their individuality, they’re there to look after the deceased and the mourners.

Lots of schools insist on natural coloured hair which I always think is ridiculous but the reasons given are usually "it's distracting" or "children need to learn how to dress in a professional setting". I always thought these were ridiculous reasons and displayed a total lack of imagination about the diversity of the workplace, but being part of a professional funeral party is one of the niche times where I think it does matter. Same as it would matter if one of the staff decided to ditch the black hat and go for something wild. They're not meant to be people with personality to express. They're performing a role. I can see that it's annoying as your hair is your hair, but I think he should have tried harder to hide it.

Why would having green and blue hair mean that someone couldn’t do their job professionally and with compassion?

Hair colour makes absolutely no difference to how people do their roles. Obviously their employer has deemed it suitable. And did your mother have any other complaint about him - no.

I once had bright pink hair. Loved it!!! Did it on a whim when I had just gone through a terrible break up in a mad moment of defiance that I can do anything that I want. Tbh also didn’t care about what my employer thought but he also knew I wasn’t going through a great time. Maybe this is what this person is also going through too.

And also if you go down a religious route on colours - blue symbolises hope in the Christian religion and green symbolises life, growth, hope and spiritual renewal. Maybe your mother could dye her hair too.

People have answered that. It's because part of their job is setting the tone of the funeral. Which for most people involves sombre dress as a sign of respect for mourning. It's rude to disregard these conventions unless invited to do so by the closest family members who are organising the funeral.

The person was dressed in a sombre manner though?

Does a neat and tidy ponytail, under a hat really throw off the mood of a whole funeral?

You really don’t understand how some people might find red and blue hair unprofessional in a traditionally solemn environment?

I do think brightly coloured hair can be inappropriate in some funeral settings, especially when the family has asked for a very traditional service. When my MIL died, I organised the funeral. She was absolutely clear that she wanted something classic and formal, everyone in black, very understated. If someone with bright red or blue hair had been part of the procession, it would have gone completely against the tone she wanted.

Funerals are about the person who has died and the family’s wishes, not about self-expression from staff. Most of the time coloured hair is no issue at all, but in a traditional service it can look distracting and out of place.

So in those circumstances, yes, I do think funeral homes should be mindful of matching staff appearance to the type of service requested. Obviously, it would fit in really well with someone who has requested everyone wear bright colours. I’d be happy if this person was a part of my funeral procession, not that I’m having one, put me in a box and spend the money on an actual party!

I think the point about blending into the background rather than standing out is the the key one here in terms of whether or not it is appropriate. A ponytail - sure. But brightly coloured hair in an industry where it's entirely possible the funeral party will be wearing all black - that is a different scenario.

Im sure plenty of people who have passed away also dyed their hair 🙄. I’d be judging the person who paid more attention to the drivers hair than to being respectful and mournful at a funeral procession. They don’t sound very nice.

This is obvious, surely. Is it OK for a tall person to drive a hearse? Yes of course. Does that mean it’s OK for the driver to come in on stilts because it’s how he expresses his individuality? I’d say no.

You can’t really believe that saying no to the second means you must say no to the former?

Hmm , if your mum would complain about that , I wonder who else would have your mother clutching her pearls ?

Someone's hair colour does not define how good they are at their job or how good a person they are.

I have met people with the wackiest hair colour and they have been the loveliest, Kindest and most professional people. I have met people with very ordinary hair and they have the been the rudest, cruelest people.

I'd probably smile if I saw that

Even if they are the bereaved?

One of the big reasons I think we have strong conventions around mourning is that it can be hard to know what to do or say, and because people are so different it’s very helpful to have an acknowledged common ground. Tradition says: do this and you’ve done the right thing. This is how you show respect and compassion.

In that context, saying “special rule for me” when you aren’t one of the core mourners is inherently at the minimum distracting and I’d say also disrespectful. Because the convention and the conformity is the social signal. It’s not separate from respect, it’s how respect is expressed in our society in that context.

Obviously different rules apply if the deceased or the bereaved want something very different.

What if the driver turned up in ripped jeans and a T-shirt?

Some lovely people I know dress like that.

I don’t think that helps us answer the question here.

This is Mumsnet, where some posters on threads like this will be adamant that " it 's what inside that counts", is ALL that matters, and may be derogatory about others who don't take that view.

I know many very lovely, kind, empathetic people who have visible tattoos, multiple piercings and vibrantly coloured hair. I also know many similar people who don't have these modifications.

If I was a funeral director, I would want my client facing employees to be from the second category, simply because of the formal and solemn nature of the job. Just as I would require them to be dressed appropriately for that job.

If that makes me a pearl clutcher, so be it.

Having said that, I wouldn't be inclined to complain.

Hard disagree!

What does it matter what their hair colour is, its their hair.

Ripped or torn or dirty or slutty clothing, yes you can be upset, but hair colour - dont be daft

Exactly, it was the DRIVER, with a little bit of tidy hair, which must have been pretty hard to spot. It’s not like all of the undertakers’ staff turned up in sparkly dayglo outfits doing a comedy dance routine.