DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

I was thinking that too. Why the hell would you tell your son that you had been posting about his sister and dad on the Internet like this? This is messed up all round.

Agree.

tThis was a strange thing to do op. Not fair to your Dd or your DS.

What a lovely girl. Her father sounds awful.

She sounds like a nice girl. I would probably think you were in denial if her teachers were complaining about her but they are full of praise and never say a bad word about her.
It sounds like he's scapegoating her, which happens sometimes and is very damaging.
Some of the responses you've had will be from people who automatically take the man's side over the woman or girl's no matter what.

Well it's not covered OP in glory either that she's told her DS about the post on here. That she thinks his Dad doesn't like his sister, and presumably asked him to keep that a secret 🫠

Telling your son about this thread is exceptionally weird. Just why in the world would you do that?

Messed up.

I hope OP is no longer reading. Another example of the mumsnet hive mind taking a weird turn and literally doing damage.

My niece does the long video thing, she has ADHD and is generally someone I think is a bit emotionally vulnerable. I make a big effort to listen to every video in case it has something important and then at the end I feel robbed of time. Extremely hard to listen to 10 mins about Birmingham airport. Maybe he feels like that.

if she wasn’t emotionally vulnerable I would tell her. Generally in life i think you help your children if you politely explain and guide them. I don’t think you should embrace every drop of their character if it is actually annoying because you are setting them up to fail in life.

Just an update

First of all I told DS as after many many many comments of being told my DD was insufferable, annoying, would struggle in life even narcissistic was thrown out, I did feel really upset and I started to doubt in my mind if I just had rose tinted glasses on and wasn’t seeing her for who she really is. I wanted to verify with someone who actually knew her that I wasn’t going crazy and I trust my relationship with DS enough to know he would be understanding and honest. The fact people think many people being at times horrible about my DD would have no effect on me, shows how much empathy dies on this website. Perhaps wasn’t the smartest decision and maybe I should have been better prepared but I genuinely just didn’t think this thread would turn into a character assassination of my teenage daughter.

I also spoke to DH, it was a productive chat and he admitted that he struggles to like DD as the majority of the time they have nothing in common and he finds her very overwhelming. He reassured that he does love her and I pointed out he really needs to work on the way he speaks to and about her. He did say he can see many of her qualities and understands she’s not going out of her way to annoy him so will do better at acknowledging all the positive parts of her and trying to connect with her over her interests. He seemed quite upset when I pointed out how it came across and said he does feel closer to DS and DD2 but doesn’t ever want DD1 to think he doesn’t love her.

Great update. Glad you’ve got your feet back on the ground.

Sorry, OP, I actually think your daughter sounds lovely. Only found the sharing with your son a bit odd. But sort of get it more now after your update.

Telling your son about this thread is inexcusable.

What on earth were you expecting to happen? If you don’t like what people are saying take the thread down

I would ask to take this thread down, OP, I'd request that now you have outed yourself to your son, he might show your daughter and that would be awful. Glad your chat with your DH went well and hopefully there's a starting point for warmer relations.

I appreciate it probably wasn’t the smartest choice and I probably could have found a better way of reassuring myself, but in the moment it felt right and DS didn’t seem upset or put out by the conversation. He’s no longer a child and I like think I can treat him with the same respect I would anyone else who was an adult close to DD.
He was very reassuring, and I don’t for a second think he would even consider telling DD as he is an emotionally intelligent person who knows you don’t go running to tell someone, something that will hurt them.
It was unfair of me to put the weight of that on him
though and I do understand that.

In the moment I was feeling very upset, even if it was a minority of comments over all, there were enough people being really harsh about DD that I started to worry DH was in the right, I was in the wrong and everyone else was seeing the true DD that my motherly love was preventing me from seeing.

Alas alls well that ends well and it’s Mumsnet so I’m sure people will find a reason to be upset no matter what I do.

💐

Sounds like a total backpedaling cop out on your part that you told your DS still OP. But whatever makes you feel better I suppose...

Personally I'd ask to get the thread pulled and pray that DS never brings the subject up with DD1. As much as you're sure that he's an adult and mature, and you were only wanting another opinion. You've still opened that can of worms, and you really can't take back the fact you've told him his Dad doesn't like his sister.

I think you have really given your husband something to think about. His default position is to be critical of your daughter and he will find himself going to that default and will probably be surprised ( and I hope shocked) to see how often he has done so in the past. I really hope this is a turning point for him but you need to keep on top of this going forward OP.

Exactly, I am gob smacked that the Op has done this. It’s beyond the pale

She does sound really annoying to be honest, and he can't be the only person in her life who thinks so. But you're supposed to have rose-tinted glasses about your own kids' idiosyncrasies, so I'm surprised he seems to have such contempt for her.

My son is in his 20s. I would never share something like this with him. It’s unbelievable

And what if the daughter finds out????

Sounds like a positive conversation with dh. Sorry you've been upset by people being rude about your dd.

Then I'm absolutely sure OP will minimise her part in it and blame it on her DH. She's already used the excuse of total randoms on the Internet answering the question that she posted, as being so traumatic that she felt the need to spill the beans to her son.

It's more a shame that the actual outcome was that her DH was upset (although again minimised as 'he actually seemed quite upset.. shock!). That yes, although he does find her annoying. He obviously doesn't want her to feel that he doesn't love her...

By comparison OP has massively overreacted due to a few comments from folk she doesn't know, and totally torpedoed any respect her son might have for his Dad, and now he gets to live to live with that secret for the next 50+yrs 🫠

This. Is it triangulation is called, needing to create an enemy to fight against to further your cause? So ops cause is DD is faultless and fabulous, DH needs to be seen as evil?

Her son is a 19 year old man. You are overreacting.

Posters seem to determined to dislike OP.