DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

[GugiGi]

DH and I have 3 children, DS1 who is 19, DD1 is 16 and DD2 is 12.
DD1 is a live wire, she has such an incredibly vibrant personality, never stops, wakes up every morning and does a workout in our home gym, showers and by the time any of the rest of us make it downstairs she is already in the kitchen making an omelette or porridge, music on (not loud enough to wake anyone) dancing around. In the evening she’s always getting her homework done then doing something, she never seems to sit still, even if you check on her at 10pm she will be pacing around her room while testing herself on flash cards or FaceTiming friends, sometimes she’s being a little silly and will be balancing something on her head while she does so “for posture”. She’s got so much energy and is such an intelligent, vibrant girl. She can be hard to get a story out of as she does go off into mini stories within the story, but they are always told with such energy and are genuinely funny. She is the most active user of the family group chat, always sending little things she’s seen, silly selfies, little videos of her doing her sports or singing a song etc.

Tonight she sent a video into the family group chat, well multiple videos. She had tried to FaceTime as she was walking home but none of us answered (I was showering, no idea why DH didn’t). She was telling us a story about her day with her friends and did get distracted a lot during the story, stopped the story to show us a pigeon she passed, then said something which reminded her of a song which she then sung in the video. I appreciate it’s a long watch and hard to follow but I genuinely love that DD feels so comfortable just being her lovely, vibrant self with us. DH however went into a mood, he asked if I’d seen the videos and I said yes then said “she’s bloody annoying and needs to grow up”. DH isn’t very close to DD, they don’t have loads in common, DD is super sporty, loves a deep dive into random topics etc. DH is into his chess and history so will only bond with DD if she takes an interest in history. However this isn’t even sure fire as when DD started asking if the Nuremberg trials were ethical he got annoyed and said she was reading too far into it and would look like a “fascist sympathiser” if she said that to anyone else! He is always putting her down even when I tell him to pack it in, she’s too sporty, she needs to learn to just sit still for a minute, too high energy, too loud etc.
Its all making me quite sad as while DD doesn’t seem to mind, I just hate that she must sense her dad doesn’t particularly like her even if he does love her.

AIBU to find really sad? What do I do to stop it?

Her son is a 19 year old adolescent. Considering the general consensus on MN and in most of the population that boys reach emotional maturity younger than girls. Then it's a bit shit she would expect a young adult to process that she's telling him his Dad doesn't like his sister, no?

I mean hell I'm late 40's and I'd be gutted if my older brother divulged that my Mum had told him this. Although maybe that's just me? Do you have a sibling you'd be happy to tell you that your Dad disliked you?

The majority of posters have actually been very supportive of OP. Personally I think she's wearing rose tinted specs (as any Mum would), and can't comprehend that her favourite child (I know she claims she's not) may be less than perfect Peter.

OP's full argument was based around her DH not liking her DD (who apparently is totally unaware of this). Yet she's now explicitly told her DS that her Dad doesn't like her (even though it's turned out that he does).

The moral of the story isn't that posters don't seem determined to dislike OP... It's that's she's scored a home goal by telling her son that his dad dislikes his sister. No matter how anyone including OP wants to try to dress it up. It's shit! It's awful behaviour as a mother.

Me too - introvert married to another introvert, though I have plenty of lovely extrovert friends. But I think living with an extrovert 24/7 would often be a strain - the constant talking, relentless energy and activity, the need to be doing something specific all the time!

My husband and 6 year old son are both extroverts. Son diagnosed ADHD.

I am convinced I’m on the autistic spectrum - but I only really realised this when I started living with not just one, but two, people who get their energy from interactions with others. I need a fair bit of time to decompress as I’ve learned I’m really noise sensitive and struggle a lot with crosstalk (properly throws me into sensory overwhelm). If you lived with my son, you’d understand why that happens a lot! 😂😂😂

I know my son’s young but his zest for life, energy and cheeriness sound just like your daughter’s. It can be extremely full on for someone like me - but I remind myself of how wonderful the (many) good bits of his character are, while also gently reminding him he doesn’t need to externalise every single thought in his head! He is extremely charismatic and charming - these positive points will stand him in extremely good stead and I would never dream of shitting all over him like your husband has your DD (who, by the way, sounds like great craic actually and everyone saying she’s really annoying sounds like they’d be great fun at parties).

DS was actually the one who said that DH so was the only person who disliked DD. So he has already noticed which is really sad.

There’s zero evidence DD is OP’s favourite she seems equally fond of all of them. DD is the subject of the thread though.

Productive conversation but I wonder if it will be enough?

My question is - why does he have to have something in common with DD in order for him to like her? Why does he have to like her in order not to be rude to her?

And how does he get from finding her “overwhelming” to telling her he thought she’d fail her GCSEs?

Will anything actually change?

As you have told your son about this post I really would ask for it to be taken down. It is a hard lesson but it would be devastating for your poor daughter ever found it and there is a high chance she will.
Please ask for it to be removed.

I'd also posted that I thought it was a red flag that DS had noted that he thinks his Dad doesn't like his sister. There's lots of evidence that DD1 is OPs fav even though she denies it. Totally understandable if she feels DH doesn't like her though.

I'd say a glaring fact is that she told her son his Dad doesn't like his sister? Or again are we just glossing over this little snippet? As I said anyway anyone wants to dress it up. It's a total dickhead move to tell your child that. Regardless of if they're 19-90.

I have my opinion, you have yours. But to me OP's reasonings sounded like the kind of press conference blurb you'd say if a politician was pulled up for something.

Who am I to say?! Possibly her DS was totally cool with his Mum saying it?

Genuinely I don't really care! But I do think she's fucked up 🙃

Could his epilepsy be a factor in this? Consciously or subconsciously.

Stress/exhaustion is a potential trigger and if he feels 'overwhelmed' by her MO - if conversations can often tip into "lots of detail", if her FT calls are 'jumpy' if her stories jump from one thing to another?

Might it be his unconscious trying to protect him and keep his brain and nervous system calm? Just a thought.

People have been awful on this thread. OP your family sounds happy and kind. You can leave feeling glad that you have a family you can talk to and trust, thoughtful children and a husband who’s willing to discuss issues with you and work through them. From the way lots of people have reacted, it sounds like they don’t have half the trust with their family that you do.

How do you feel about your husband? Itd kill my feelings dead if my husband was mean to his own child.

Yeah, honestly I was starting to see OP's concerns and was coming more around to feeling the DH was being more unreasonable than I initially felt, but why on earth would you drag your teenage son into this. Weird.

I imagine her brother is fully aware of how differently her father treats her. You are naive to think this is some huge revelation to him.

i think she sounds lovely. How refreshing that she is so happy and positive and wants to share her life with her family. Teenagers are too quick to grow up and think it’s not cool to spend time with their parents.
I’d much rather your DD than a moody teenager!
She shouldn’t have to tone down her personality for others and I can see why you are protective of her OP. She sounds a lovely girl.

Be careful OP, you may love your daughter but your tolerance for your horrible husband could well cost your your daughter.

She may wrll judge you very harshly for allowing his emotional abuse of her.

I do believe he is emotionally abusing her and I think you know it too, that is why you posted on MN.

Take this very seriously and protect her and your relationship with her while you still have time.

You will bitterly regret not doing so.

I didn’t tell DS that his dad didn’t like his sister! People are just assuming and assuming wrong.

I told DS that I had posted on Mumsnet about something and I didn’t say what, he didn’t ask what. But people had said they had thoughts about DDs behaviour and suggested I may be blind to it. I asked if he felt that way, or since they do hobbies together and went to the same school so he is familiar with her friends, did he feel this was a way people viewed her or generally disliked her.
He said no the only person he knows who doesn’t like her is DH, I didn’t mention DH to him at all, he did that off his own accord.

Please stop making things up and assuming things when you weren’t present for the conversation.

Genuinely? I don't really care. I'm opting out of the thread now as OP has consistently strongly defended any kind of alternate comments towards her DD being anything less than perfect (as obviously is her right). She has however shit all over her son by telling him his Dad doesn't like his sister as much, and then telling him adverse comments made on this thread.

Frankly I don't really care! It very much seems a family issue. OP has stated she's talked it all though with her DH which is great!

Bottom line... Do I think it's shite for a Mum to tell her son his Dad dislikes his sister, and then obviously not to tell her? Yes, I do think that pathetic and disgusting. Is it my family? No it's not. So OP can continue to be OP and gaslight that she's just looking out for her DD's welfare...

Merry Christmas to them all 👍

"I posted on Mumsnet but didn't tell DS what I'd posted about"

"And he didn't ask what? But then I said maybe people saw his sister wrong"

"And then I said do you feel like that?"

" And then he volunteered no, but said but our Dad doesn't like her!"...

And then everyone clapped and cheered that you weren't just a crap Mum who told your Son his Dad doesn't like his Daughter because you were fuming 🎉

• You can also ask admin to delete this because I'm "nasty". But maybe think what you've put on your own son first.

Why was your daughter walking home late & in the dark anyway??
Why wasn’t she picked up ?
With regard to your husband, he needs to cop the fuck on being honest .
Saying she’s too sporty !! , what parent complains their child is too sporty ???🙄 .
Always up early before everyone, always in good form & nice to you guys , good in school , a nice bright , cheerful girl.
So what if she sends videos into family group chat & goes on a bit explaining stories .
Suck it fucking up !!!
You already have said she is not up in anyone’s face all the time .
He should be in awe of her zest for life & be proud to call her his daughter .
She’s wasted on him I’m afraid ..

If I got "are these urgent?" I'd feel the person was outright calling me irritating and saying they didn't care about what I had to say so I'd say it's better he didn't do that!

To be honest, your DD sounds an absolute delight compared to the arsehole teen you could have got lumbered with aged 16 and your DH sounds like a grumpy old git who needs to lighten up a bit! I’m just glad she doesn’t seem to notice! It’s very damaging to a girls self esteem if her father doesn’t show love and respect for her. I’m glad she has you OP. I’d be really heartbroken with my DH if he felt this way about our child. My dad pretty much ignored me as a teen and isn’t very interested in my life, and once told me the needier I was, the less likely he was to want to speak to me (on the phone, during my first term at uni when I asked my mum if I could speak to him as well, he just said no in future occasions) Now if he says stuff like that I just say back “Well, I’ll be the one choosing your old folks home!” And he seems to enjoy this type of non-needy banter a lot more, but it has taken me 20 years of therapy to get there.

so yeh, I’m on team DD all the way. Protect her from DH. Maybe he’s jealous of her energy and zest for life.

It sounds like your husband is making it very clear how much he dislikes your poor daughter 😢 You say some lovely things about her in your posts, and you clearly adore her. Hopefully you are already, but I think you need to be telling her very explicitly how brilliant she is, and how proud of her you are. I think she needs to here those things very clearly, even more than your other children do, to try and mitigate some of the harm her dad will be doing to her. She needs to know that you know how completely unacceptable her dads behaviour is, and that you don't excuse it in any way.

There are a lot of posters like this on every thread now. Frantically grasping at any excuse to bully the OP, and no matter what they post, accusing them of lying. I'm not quite sure what they get out of it, but it's all rather sad.

Wow Poppyseeds79 you really are something aren’t you? Maybe read OP’s posts before pushing your own narrative eh? OP is not a crap Mum, in fact the opposite so just give it a rest.

OP I agree with another PP as in I am not hopeful your H can turn this around. I feel so sorry for your DD as she will definitely have picked up on her ‘D’ F’s feelings towards her. Maybe he can salvage this or maybe she won’t return once she’s older and moved out but will have a lot of lasting trauma to work through. Poor wee soul she sounds absolutely amazing. I really wish her and you all the best.